The second cycle of the 2012 season begins today. Today begins the road to the Wheezleton Memoriale, so it's only fitting that the show should involve some of the biggest names of fantasy wrestling's rich history. Case in point: 4-time World's Heavyweight Champion The Scissorwolf was seen backstage chatting up The Phantom Dandy.
As the winner of the previous Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix, Scissorwolf is recognized as the last man to hold the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Heavyweight Championship of the World. Today, he passed the Hungarian Championship belt to The Phantom Dandy, this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner. In the world of professional fantasy wrestling, there is no price that can be put on such an honor. But today, The Phantom Dandy seeks to increase his cache' just a little bit more by challenging The Thrillionaire, currently the World's Heavyweight Champion. Honoring the wishes of Opulence Unlimited International, the match will be a "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match", with the loser being forced to don the Assman's mesh tights for the duration of the month - a most humiliating fate.
But enough with the talk! Let's get to the action!
1) Our opening bout pitted Danny Divine (OUI) against JC Superstar (Millioniare) in a steel cage! Never let it be said that FUCR doesn't start things off with a bang! The action was tight and the moves were right, and it was a battle most brutal. In the end...
It was a sloppy mistake and a fast rollup that led to victory for the Superstar.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 5:22
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) and Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) did battle in a submission-only match... but Huang was nowhere to be found! FUCR officials searched high and low for him backstage, but he was unreachable, even by cell phone. Finally, the timekeeper could wait no more and started the match.
The sheer power of Von Zeus seemed as though it would overpower the Stallion, but it was not the case. The Duke fought back until it seemed he could fight no more. No quarter was asked and none was given as these two future legends put it all on the line in a battle of wills. Finally, after 45 minutes of battle with no winner determined, the match was declared a draw and each man was granted 2 points.
2pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
2pts = Maximus Von Zeus
*** Just then, CPS showed up! State officials entered the ring with briefcases full of contracts and legal documents and Tommy Huang in tow! They stated that according to federal and state law, "the Child Predator" Tommy Huang would be forced to abscond from the world of fantasy wrestling! What flies in Singapore doesn't fly in the United States - as such, Huang must give his contracts to a parent or legal guardian. Despite his strict adherence to protocol and insistence on showing no emotion, Tommy Huang seemed near tears at the prospect... until he announced his legal guardian, who would be assuming control of his affairs in the realms of fantasy wrestling.
Entering the ring wearing a plaid jacket and a shit-eating grin, it was none other than Professor Infierno! And hanging on his arm like a cheap piece of jewelry one might buy at Claire's in the local mall after getting their ears pierced was... Jenny Glorpp?!? But how could this be? Wrestling fans were dumbfounded, remembering that when Infierno was last seen, he had been unmasked as Jenny Glorpp!
The truth was revealed when Jenny took the microphone and told the crowd that the woman who was unmasked as Professor Infierno was actually her cousin, PENNY Glorpp, who had kidnapped Jenny and Professor Infierno and held them captive. The two wasted no time attempting to clear their names and tarnished reputations and instead sought to bring Penny to justice (she had fled to San Salvador). Now, with Penny locked up in a Guatemalan jail, the good professor has returned to guide the life of young Tommy Huang and take control of his financial assets, including his stable of wrestlers. ***
3) Appropriately enough, the next match pitted Tokyo Torres (Professor Infierno) against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) ... the former Marine Corps drill sergeant was no match for the quickness of Torres (or the sack of doorknobs Infierno struck him with when the referee wasn't looking) and he lost the match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 4:28
4) Without their manager, the Brown Hornet, to guide them, Lassiter Arcade and Dr. Matsumoto have been engaging in a series of poor career choices. Tonight, they accepted a handicap match against three returning superstars: The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right and Danger Daigoro - collectively known as The Deadly Friends!
The match ended in a DQ for Matsumoto and Arcade when a brawl erupted. No points were awarded and the crowd cheered their old favorites, remembering their glory days in the sport and hoping they'll return for more than just one night. And who knows? Maybe someday they will.
5) Finally, the main event. The 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy, squares off against the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire in a Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match for the gold! It was a seesaw affair with both men giving it their all for the richest prize in the sport. But in the end...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 6:00 exactly!
*** Now is the time to get your challenges in for next week's show! ***
Horsefeathers! Horsefeathers, I say! That paper champ may have proved that he's got claws, but that just makes him a paper tiger in my book!
ReplyDeleteSo you beat a guy you beat earlier in the season... PHOOEY! What kind of challenge is that? What does that prove? The Thrillionaire is only a *slightly* more deserving champ than he was last week! What a tarnish, what a STAIN upon the gold strap! HORSEFEATHERS!
And Phantom Dandy, you're a blight on the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix as well as the legacy of the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World for which it is named!
ReplyDeleteNice panties. Please don't disgrace that title by using it to hold them up, you no-count maroon!
Such disappointment ... Almost as disappointing as the reviews for my role in 'A Talent For Loving' in 1969.
ReplyDeleteConrad Wolfsbane has let me know he feels that I have been like an unloving father to him. He wants to prove his worth and told me to stop playing favorites within the stable. So ... I will grant him his wish. He wants the top stable in the biz! Millionaire, get that Warlock of yours ready for a fight! Wolfsbane wants to show that NO Warlock deserves to be a star. He would like to do so in a TLC match! Don't be scared. We will keep the lesson short. Much like I did in 'Sergeant Dead Head' in 1965!
On a side note ... Little Huang, I now see why you have such poor manners. Being guinded by a young lady of questionable morals and a 'professor' that I doubt even has a diploma! Since my Stallion and your Mr. Torres ended in a draw and my challenge has been made, perhaps, if you are not afraid, Von Zeus should man up and challenge my Stallion in a rematch. No tricks. Just a good old fashioned brawl to see who if Maximus really has what it takes to be a god. I doubt it, but time will tell.
Next week, thus far...
ReplyDelete1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Warlock Star ($$$)
... and ANOTHER THING! Professor Infierno? Really? That stinks worse than Cesar Romero's performance in Captain from Castille.
ReplyDeleteYou're a dropout, Huang! "Child labor laws" my foot! Every child who has ever done a day's work in America knows damn well that every law can be circumvented with a little know-how and ingenuity. I thought you had it, kid. But you went and let those legal eagles walk all over you and strip you of your dignity and pride. I thought you were tough enough to follow in my footsteps as the most famous child in the woooorld, but you let me down.
As for you, Infierno... you may not be Jenny Glorpp, but as far as the Roons is concerned, you're still a bitch!
WHOOOT WHOOOOOOTT!!! Look out, FUCR, This MILLIONAIRE Train is destroying everybody getting in its way!!
ReplyDelete1. Paper Champ... try FIGHTING champ!! or maybe KICKASS Champ!! or maybe even UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP!! Anyway you cut it, Thrillionaire has the target on his back and all of these competitors' spit wads are falling very short. Maybe if all the competitors grew some guns it would be a different story.
2. Professor Inferno and Jenny Glorp, it has been a while! Last time I saw you, Jenny, I remember you gave syphilis to my entire roster costing me the Manager of the Year. But that was a long time ago and I have a new crop of badasses that hate white trash... well, aside from Warlock Star.
But the moral of this story is thank JC that Wang is long gone. That kid didn't know english, math or wrestling for that matter. GOOD RIDDANCE!!
And while I'm here, let's keep this TRAIN rollin! Thrillionaire, you're ability for the last 3 weeks has been amazing so you may rest. JC Superstar has a hankering for beating the crap out of Dr. Spooktacular. We all know Zeus is scared of JC so we'll let his lilly white ass run away for at least one more week.
ReplyDeleteFUCR, Draw up the contracts!!
Next Week thus far...
ReplyDelete1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Warlock Star ($$$)
2) JC Superstar ($$$) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Infierno)
Yeah right. Sorry Jenny...but we don't believe that cocamamie story for a minute. The Prof. and Jen-Jen are one in the same. This week, Oui challenge anyone in jenny Glorp's stable with Danny Divine. Bring it you twisted transvestite hooker...no matter what you call that pink slime walking...
ReplyDeleteI've arrived late to this game and am unfamiliar with the Inferno and Glorpp scandal. Apparently they are one in the same? If indeed this Glorpp woman has male genitalia, perhaps a more appropriate name would be "Benny Glorpp"?
ReplyDeleteAhahahahaaha! It truly is good to be back, and I see my fans are already flocking!
ReplyDeleteLet me address my foes individually, for it is thus that they shall fall under my weighty hand!
Mr. Romero, your offer is politely refused. It is the habit of my people not to let a fly bite twice in the same place, and I respectfully turn down your offer of allowing Torres to humiliate your man again.
Mr. Duck, I find it highly entertaining that a barely literate hack such as yourself would criticize young Mr. Huang's capacity for learned discussion. In fact, if I may use the parlance of our time, that's fucking hilarious. Ah never mind, it's never been my policy to poke fun at the illiterate and intellectually challenged, especially one who sports so much dull plumage as your common variety of barnyard fowl, despite all delusions of wealth.
Oui, you are barely more legitimate a management team than that miserable failure the Brown Hornet. As such, your opinion on my gender is laughable. Considering your choices of personal grooming one could hardly believe that you are even capable of determining the sexuality of a large-testacled moose bull, let alone my physiognomy. Considering that your gender is up in the air (seeing as how your enormous bush may conceal either a penis or an enlarged clitoris), I beg your leave to laugh at your pathetic attempts at living in the past. Feel free to continue to suckle at the teat of failure, as you have been doing so all season. Ahahahahaha! bottom line, we don't see many folks lining up to purchase Oui t-shirts at the concession stand. Perhaps if you offered bikini wax services it would be more appropriate, or perhaps you could write a self-help book for brooding failures?
Mr. Neubuling, is it your custom to simply parrot the last thing you've seen or heard? I don't usually make it a practice to address absolute nobody's, but I will make an exception for you, as your previous comments suggest you are a man of no mean intellect, despite the stupidity and ignorance of your most recent excrescence of laughable ignobility.
Irregardless, since the Duck is fully booked, and Mr. Romero feels it appropriate to revisit past failures, I believe that Oui has it coming. As such, the abominable Tokyo Torres will deal out his particular brand of megalopolis destroying fury by visiting his wrath upon that symbol of Oui's ineffectual and laughable form of "management", Pierre St. Cloud.
Infierno has spoken, ahahahahahahaha!
Irregardless isn't a word.
ReplyDeleteOur fans are quite loyal and vocal! And we wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for your time, Mr. Neubuling.
ReplyDeleteRE: the OUI/Infierno challenge debacle.
It is true that we at FUCR feel that the "open challenge" is the province of the timid. However, it is also true that Profesor Infierno seems to care little for the rules and even less for the actual reading of previously posted comments.
We at FUCR often find ourselves juggling several positions at once and fully understand the challenges that multitasking present. However, if you are unable to divide your time between schoolteaching and managerial duties, we strongly advise you to choose between one career or the other.
With that in mind, here is the card for next week...
1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Warlock Star ($$$)
2) JC Superstar ($$$) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Infierno)
3) Danny Divine (OUI) vs. Tokyo Torres (Infierno)
The rest of the card will be determined either by us or by The Brown Hornet, should he choose to participate.
HEADLINE: A "THUNDEROUS" STING IN PERU!
ReplyDeleteLima - Following a lead, I can now confirm that The longtime absent Brown Hornet and Bronson Thunderhammer were seen coming out of Mama Africa's Disco together in downtown Lima. They were quick to notice I was trailing them and managed to evade me. I retuned to the disco to get the scoop.
Fern Velasco, a disco regular had this to say: "The brown one I have seen for two months. Then this large man shows up and they start taking all of our women! No good playboy's! They have become invested in Lima's largest underground cock fighting ring known as 'El Chopo Dos.' We all want these two to go back north, but they are flourishng here! The law enforcement here won't stop them! They are to big!"
This is all highly illegal activity no matter the country. It appears these two FUCR legends have found a new game to play. A most deadly game.
Hm. It would seem Profesor Infierno "got served" to use the parlance of our times.
ReplyDeleteAlso, who are Bronson Thunderhammer and the Brown Hornet?
This is bullshit! How fucked up is the law in this country that I can't run a stable but a fucking duck can?! Even that bullshit excuse for a management team Oui shouldn't be allowed to work before I can! What the fuck is Oui? I don't even know if it's a guy and a woman, a couple guys, a plate of beef jerky or an enormous bush. What the fuck is Oui, it's totally retarded that this bullshit stands in this league. At least the Professor is taking over my rasslers and they didn't get divied up among those other pathetic fucks in the league.
ReplyDeleteNeubuling, who the fuck cares what you think? You're really picking on typing mistakes? Jesus Christ, with fans like this pud, who the fuck cares if the league goes under? It's a sign of a weak mind to pick on bullshit.
Shit man, looking at bullshit like Neubuling as the only fucking fan, and managers like a fucking duck, some random people that who the fuck knows who or what they even are, and some old actor dude, this is the most retarded season of FUCR fucking EVER. At least the professor can bring some class to this shit. Christ, what a fucking joke.
Now now, young Huang! Let's not lose our cool, there's always next year. I understand your frustration my fine young man, but let's not let the pathetic likes of Nubbletongue, and the others get you down! When the fly bites it is swat to the ground. Let these pathetic fans and "managers" cluster around their corn-encrusted shit, it is all they have to look forward to! We can't all be incredibly good looking and wealthy. Some of us have to settle in life. After all, the Millionaire seems to be doing fine, and he is an aquatic water fowl. And Oui, well, like you said, nobody knows what the fuck Oui is, so it's hard to shit talk with some amorphous, disembodied vulva bush, or whatever the fuck they are! Ahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteBut I must say, it IS an honor to be on the receiving end of no less than two "bitch challenges" this week, as I like to call them! It's good to see that both Romero and Oui understand that it matters not whom they send up against Profesor Infierno's stable of demigods, they will undoubtedly be slaughtered like lambs! Come to think of it, I bet you could get as much wool off of Oui's nasty buckwheat bush as you could off of a lamb! HA! Perhaps in this next match there should be a bet? Loser shaves their genitals! Perhaps THEN we'll be able to tell whether Oui's mega-bush hides a penis or a distended clitoris?
ReplyDeleteMr. Infierno, you are hiding behind a sharp tonguem and fanciful words! I do admire your manners, however. Shelley Winters spoke much like you do. Much like when I starred with her in 'A House is not a Home' in 1964! I believe you are afraid of my contender. Perhaps your fear will be your demise! Good luck in your matches next week. A shame Mr. Von Zeus is not competing ... Perhaps we will run into each other anyway ...
ReplyDeleteLook at all the little dogs yappin' away in the yard while the big dog aint around...
ReplyDeleteYou're dead on, Mick. I'm playing it cool.
ReplyDeleteAll these dumbasses yappin like the little puppies they are. Well, to get on this championship porch, you gotta mess with the BIG DOGS!!! (That's me and my stable.)
Mr. Huang,
ReplyDeleteI understand there is a language barrier, but are you seriously so fucking retarded that you do not understand the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black"?
You see, my comments regarding the Professor's grammatical errors are actually very appropriate as he initiated the verbal sparring with his insults directed toward what he perceives as a lack of intelligence from the managers and myself.
You claim to be some sort of child genius, yet you do not understand the meaning of a simple phrase such as this? Clearly your infatuation with your caregiver has clouded your mind.
Perhaps this will help.
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pot_calling_the_kettle_black
I have returned. This is of note.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that a man dressed in a Halloween costume as a humorously cartoonish skeleton would choose to poke fun at another manager who uses an animated duck as his avatar.
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... oh, I am sorry. I guess your simplistic, childlike mind wouldn't understand that, would it, Mr. Huang?
Mr. Neubuling,
ReplyDeleteConsidering the fact that you have felt it necessary to display your ignorance of rasslin', and rasslin' accoutrement, I would ask you, in all earnestness, as to the reason why a personage such as yourself would bother appearing (so disconcertingly frequently) within a rasslin' forum? In point of fact, my fine fellow, I am quite perplexed as to who you are, why you are here, and why your opinion should have bearing on any matter. Let me perhaps put this in a more straightforward manner...
Ahem...
Are you stupid, sir? Do you seriously wish to compare my professional, hand crafted gear with a childish cartoon image of a duck? Are you, sir, so lacking in the arena of mental capacity that you are unable to discern the difference between a photographic image of an actual person with a hand drawn image of waterfowl?
You sir, are a buffoon, a charlatan, and a fool.
Haw haw haw! You two are madder than a couple a wet hens!
ReplyDeleteInfierno, if you put half as much effort into fightin' as you do into comin' up with them fancy words, you'll do alright this season! Still a little dissapointed to see my boy Tommy give up so easy, but hey - not every child star can have the staying power that I've had over the years!
Nubey (can I call you Nuby?) has a point though. You do look a bit like a cartoon skeleton! Haw haw... you're alright though. That old sod looks as though he hasn't seen a day's fun in his life!
And Romero, if you thought Shelly Winters' tongue was sharp, you shoulda seen what that tongue could do! But ol' Roons never kisses and tells.
Nubey, for being a complete piece of shit... you're starting to grow on me.
ReplyDeletePresumably because I play it fair. To coin a phrase that Mr. Huang will undoubtedly be unable to comprehend, Karl Neubuling "calls a spade a spade". Which is to speak honestly and directly about a topic, specifically topics that others may avoid due to their sensitivity.
ReplyDeleteFACT: the phrase "call a spade a spade" predates the use of the term "spade" as a slur toward African-Americans. So do not attempt to paint me as racist.
POINT: I have no ego and no agenda. I simply point out the idiocy of managers and the state of this organization. In the past, I have not hesitated to call you a fool, Mr. Welz, when I felt you deserved it. Perhaps this has garnered me some level of respect from you? I do not care, as I am not out to please; simply to comment as I see fit.
It is a free country, last time I checked, and I am allowed to do so no matter what Profesor Infierno nor Mr. Thomas Huang have to say about it.
ALSO: Mr. Rooney, I assure you that I have, in fact, had more than a day's worth of fun in my lifetime.
ReplyDeleteYou make up lies. Lies about Mr. Romero and lies about the starlets whom you claim to have bedded. However, you are likely senile so I let it slide more often than I probably should.
Fuck you too.
DAMN, Nubes! You need a hug or a friend or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to give it to you, but I'm sure Jenny Glorp will hug every inch of your body with her lips, both sets. Sleezy slime ain't my thang. Godspeed, Inferno.
Senor Duck, it is not Jenny you should be concerned with, but her vile cousin Penny! Word on the street is she has a thing for cloacas!
ReplyDeleteAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Listen, I ain't got no problem with the lavenders, 'cept when they steal a role meant for me, which would describe pretty much every role Rock Hudson ever got. Hell, I made him a star! I should still be getting royalty checks. But I digress. Roons ain't got a problem with confirmed bachelors, but I ... wait... what was I talking about again?
ReplyDeleteNEXT WEEK'S CARD (FINAL)
ReplyDelete1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Warlock Star ($$$)
2) JC Superstar ($$$) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Infierno)
3) Danny Divine (OUI) vs. Tokyo Torres (Infierno)
4) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) & the Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Lassiter Arcade & the Negotiator (Brown Hornet)
I remember! Nubey needs a hug and the duck is lavender. Fuck a cloaca... Romero too. Trust me, this was all going somewhere and it had something to do with you all being a bunch of fruits in funny tights. Ahhhh... I lost all my money on the ponies. On the ponies and Maximus Von Zeus. I'm ruined... ruined... (sob)
ReplyDeletePathetic.
ReplyDeleteAll of this heated trash talk is reminding me of being on the set of 'Don't Push, I'll Charge When I'm Ready' in 1977. Sue Lyon was such a whipper-snapper. She had everyone slinging metaphorical shit at everyone in the cast!
ReplyDeleteThere was a young man about 12 years ago who was a good talker too. He was part of the early growing pains of this federation. J.T. Lash. Whatever happened to that young man?