We're halfway to the Annual Wheezleton Memoriale and the action is heating up to such a firey intensity, not even the combined efforts of Paula Deen, Gordon Ramsay and Mario Batali could stay in the FUCR kitchen for any length of time, lest they burst into flames and die on the spot. Over the past two weeks, fans have been rocked by the returns of both Profesor Infierno and Mick "Truck" Drivor, as well as the revelation that Profesor Infierno and Jenny Glorpp are not the same person (though OUI has been a bit skeptical of even that!). What type of news will rock you today? Just the same amazing in-ring action that you've come to expect from Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
1) Our first match featured this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner Phantom Dandy (OUI) taking on the submission skills of former Marine Corps Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Fans will recall that the Dandy fell short in his bid to defeat The Thrillionaire for the World's Heavyweight Championship earlier this month and per the match stipulation, is forced to wear a pair of neon short shorts and a mesh tank top. One wonders if OUI actually intended him to lose?
At any rate, he took the fight to the Octopus who, as is his tradition, saluted the servicemen and women serving around the world as well as the ones seated in the front row who probably don't even like wrestling but get free tickets so FUCR can put them in the front row as part of a PR thing to appeal to our redneck fans.
The match was a form of measured brutality which saw momentum shift often and fortitudes pushed to the limit. Sgt. Octopus stuck to his usual style of mat tacticianship (which probably isn't even a word) while the Dandy took it to the top rope far more often than you would expect from a man of his height. Here's how the match wrapped up...
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @7:41
2) Next was the long awaited match between Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno) and JC Superstar ("Millionaire" Matt Welz) - the GODWAR that fans have been clamoring for since the first week of our current season. With similar backgrounds and wrestling styles, we knew this match would be a barnburner - and it was. Not only did it set fire to the area barns, destroying livestock and crops, likely leaving the neighboring towns hungry and destitute for the next few years, it also set the very heavens aflame with its awesomeness.
One question remains... can any war, especially one waged between gods, truly be finished after just one match? Or is this simply the first volley in what is to be a long, drawn out conflict? The only way to know is to ask JC Superstar's manager, the Millionaire, if he wishes to schedule a rematch next week to avenge his loss.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:52
3) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) expected the Negotiator (Mick "Truck" Drivor) to be an easy opponent. Honestly, we all did. The Negotiator has been on a losing streak since day one and has yet to prove himself as anything but a total joke in the world of fantasy professional wrestling. Until tonight.
The match raged both outside and in and saw a new kind of passion burning in the heart of the Negotiator. Perhaps it was the fact that with a new manager, the 'Gotiator has had a fire lit under him and has been reminded of what the Eye of the Tiger is all about? We may never know the reasons, but we do know that this is how it turned out...
3pts = the Negotiator via submission @5:30 - the upset of the season!
4) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) were as evenly matched as they are mustachioed. The match was a wrestling clinic, albeit a short one. Spectacular lived up to his name in a match that most people missed as they went to the bathroom, had a smoke or bought another beer in preparation for the main event.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @3:23
5) Next was the match that fans have been clamoring for all month. Dr. Matsumoto, currently undefeated in FUCR, won the World's Heavyweight Championship at the dawn of the season but due was forced to forfeit the title when his former manager, the Brown Hornet, failed to buy him a plane ticket for last month's Title Wave free-for-view event. Tonight, guided by fantasy wrestling legend Mick "Truck" Drivor, Matsumoto hopes to regain the richest prize in the sport - a prize he never truly lost - by taking on the very man he defeated to win the belt in the first place: The Thrillionaire!
Matsumoto made his way to the ring in traditional sumo gear while the Thrillionaire wore his familiar orange tights and Kangol hat. The two men could not have had more different styles and they lit up the ring, each other and the crowd like the fucking 4th of goddamn July.
Briefly.
Dr. Matsumoto was clearly on a mission and he defeated the Thrillionaire in under four minutes to become the World's Heavyweight Champion for a second time! He did so by utilizing his signature submission move, the deadly Kajamajateho - a move that is banned in seven countries!
3pts for victory, 1 point for winning a rematch and a 1 point title bonus add up to ...
5pts = Dr. Matsumoto
*** The Thrillionaire was then carried out of the arena on a stretcher while Mick "Truck" Drivor and his motley crew of henchmen and thugs cavorted about the ring in a merry fashion as if to say "Come and get us, come and get us, come and get us... assholes."
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got just one week to go before the Wheezleton Memoriale and it's anybody's game. Make your challenges and make them count! ***
Managers, take note:
ReplyDelete* The Thrillionaire and Duke Alexander Stallion are on the injured list and can not be challenged *
World's Heavyweight Championship Top 10 Contenders:
1) JC Superstar - 6pts
2) Maximus Von Zeus - 5pts
3) Duke Alexander Stallion - 5pts
4) The Thrillionaire - 3pts
5) Sgt. Octopus - 3pts
6) The Negotiator - 3pts
7) Danny Divine - 3pts
8) The Phantom Dandy - 3pts
9) Tokyo Torres - 3pts
10) Conrad Wolfsbane - 3pts
For three weeks now, I've been saying that the Thrillionaire is a paper champ and do you know what tonight proved? HE WAS A PAPER CHAMP! Just like I said he was.
ReplyDeleteBut do you know what beating a paper champ makes you? A DADGUM PAPER CHAMP! I'm still not convinced.
As far as Romero goes, Dr. Octomom might've gotten lucky, but Duke Alexander Stallion got what was comin' to him - just like you got what was coming to you when you tried to come on to Burt Lancaster back in '56 on the set of "Darling, Darlings". He walloped you but good!
Mr. Rooney, we were ALL having reefer's, drinking bathtub gin, and sniffing the white lady back in '56. It was a crazy time. Truth be told, Lancaster wanted a threesome with Angie Dickinson and myself. I approached Burt in a haze and tried to get him to approach old Angie with me, but he took it wrong. He insists I'm a bit lavender to this day because of it. In the end it was Norman Fell and Red Skelton who got the threesome with her! Anyway, on to more pressing matters ...
ReplyDeleteA shame my precious Stallion is on the shelf. No, no - this horse will not have to be put down. Like a true blue ribbon steed he will come back to claim his place at the top. A true shame. It's only right that The Duke be in the mix for the #1 contenders spot, but sometimes life isn't fair. Like when I was forced to to 'The Betty Hutton Show' in 1959! Since The Duke will not be seen next week, Sgt. Octopus is looking to keep his momentum going. We just love having a good romp with Oui! It is impossible not to want a piece of their pie! So, Mr. Divine, let's get it on. Sgt. O hears you were in the army reserves at one time. He'll give you a real boot camp beating that will have you begging for mercy!
Next Week Thus Far...
ReplyDelete1) Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. Danny Divine (OUI)
Let's see Superstar/Von Zeus II . . . I didn't get enough the first time!
ReplyDeleteI must be quick, I have a date with the Duck's mother, so let's say that as an appetizer before the Wheezleton Memorial, his Holy Maximus, True Son of GOD (and thereby his own God-Father), challenges DR. MATSUMOTO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
ReplyDeleteThe longest journey begins with the first mile, and the Truck and his boys just started rollin. paper champ Rooney? Bullshit, and I got a new gold plated hood ornament to prove it. Nobody is gettin in my way. So to keep on trucking as they say Lassiter Arcade is gonna run right over Warlock Star this week. like a Mack truck smashing a raccon that ran out in the road you won't know what hit you. Roll on down the highway...
ReplyDelete*** While Dr. Matsumoto is under no obligation to put his title on the line against Maximus Von Zeus, the FUCR Board of Directors has determined Von Zeus to be a worthy contender. Therefore, should Mick "Truck" Drivor choose to put the belt up for grabs, we will sanction the match and draw up the contract. ***
ReplyDeleteOh fiddlesticks! Of COURSE Matsumoto won't put the World's Championship on the line. He's a PAPER CHAMP! And paper champs don't put their money where their mouths are. They only write checks their asses can't cash.
ReplyDeleteAnd besides, Von Zeus isn't a worthy contender. He may have beaten JC Superstar, but you know who else beat him? The Romans... for a few days. Next thing you know, WHAM! JC is back in the mix, healing wounds and taking souls to heaven. Maximus Von Zeus challenged Dr. Matsumoto because he is SCARED of a rematch with our Lord and Savior.
NEXT WEEK's LINEUP:
ReplyDelete1) Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. Danny Divine (OUI)
2) Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) vs. Warlock Star (Millionaire)
3) Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) vs. Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno)
4) JC Superstar vs.
*** Still available for challenge: Conrad Wolfsbane, Phantom Dandy, Pierre St. Cloud, Dr. Spectacular, Tokyo Torres
*** Challenges will be accepted until 9pm Monday evening!
Damn! With all of those BULLSHIT victories flying around last week, you'd think Weirdbeard was cajoling around. I sure hope not!
ReplyDeleteNEXT WEEK's LINEUP:
ReplyDelete1) Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. Danny Divine (OUI)
2) Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) vs. Warlock Star (Millionaire)
3) Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) vs. Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno)
4) JC Superstar vs. (Millionaire) Tokyo Torres (Infierno)
5) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. either Phantom Dandy or Pierre St. Cloud - it's up to you, OUI!
*** Challenges will be accepted until 9pm Monday evening, at which time we will just assume OUI would rather see the Phantom Dandy in action ***
Between the Millionaire, Truck Drivor and Mickey Rooney there's more pussy in this site than an Usher afterparty!
ReplyDelete