Welcome back, rasslin' fans, to the greatest show on the interwebs! The official start of the 2012 season begins NOW! Let's get down to the ring to check out the action...
(1) The show kicked off in style as Jim and Carol Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International led Danny Divine to the ring for his match with Tokyo Torres (managed by Tommy "the Child Predator" Huang).
We couldn't have booked a more appropriate match to start the show and you couldn't find two more evenly matched combatants. Divine and Torres went at it tooth and nail, with Divine showcasing his flamboyant catch-as-catch-can style and Torres taking flight from the top turnbuckle on numerous occasions. In the end, it was Tokyo Torres who scored a pinfall with a Northern Lights Suplex.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 7:03
(2) Next up was the masked man known as Warlock Star, managed by longtime fantasy wrestling enthusiast and participant, "The Millionaire" Matt Welz. Warlock Star claims not to have been born by woman, but rather forged in the heart of a black hole. Does that make him a better wrestler? It did tonight when he took on The Negotiator, managed by the Brown Hornet. It was over with a schoolboy rollup at 4:22.
3pts = Warlock Star via pinfall @ 4.22
(3) Next up was Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Tommy Huang). These two grapplers tried to do their best to outdo each other when it came to style and panache', but after an intense bout that went just shy of the 4-minute mark, it was the Duke who outdid his opponent in wrestling ability
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via pinfall @ 3:57
(4) While we would hesitate to call the match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) a squash, we will say this: St. Cloud got plenty of offense. Only problem was, the man they call Superstar shrugged it off as though it was the pestering of a bothersome toddler. St. Cloud certainly doesn't suck, but he did in this match. Of course, what is a mere saint when compared to the son of the fucking LORD? Superstar won, appropriately enough, with a crucifix pin.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 4:13
(5) The main event featured Lassiter Arcade (Brown Hornet) squaring off against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Both of these seasoned pros are well-versed in the wrestling arts. Their bodies bear the scars of many a hard fought battle. Lean and supple, these men came greased and ready for combat.
And combat was exactly what they treated the fans to! Armbars, wristlocks and suplexes abounded. Many a submission hold was applied and countered. Countless reversals were had and there were nearfalls aplenty. Finally, after over NINE MINUTES of grappling, in which no quarter was asked and none was given, we had a victor. It could've been either man on any given day, but on this day, it was the former Marine Corps drill sergeant known as Sgt. Octopus who took home the victory.
Giving a heartfelt salute to the group of Desert Storm veterans in the front row, Sgt. Octopus exited the area as Lassiter Arcade hit the showers.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @ 9:03
*** All was said and done... or was it? With mere minutes left to go in the show, the VGWA Board of Directors appeared on the entrance ramp. Making their way to the ring with the characteristic lack of speed that is the trademark of old men, the Board of Directors entered the squared circle with an announcement. Wheezing and coughing, they kept their statments brief.
Old men can run a boardroom. They can fanagle stocks and bonds and even perpetrate various forms of sexual harrassment against their nubile secretaries, despite lacking the ability to fornicate without the assistance of FDA approved chemicals. They can bitch and complain and tell you to get off their lawn. They can offer commentary on "the way things used to be" and how much better it was in their day, but the one thing that old men cannot give is the day-to-day supervision that a wrestling promotion needs. As such, the Video Game Wrestling Alliance Board of Directors, in conjunction with Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin, has appointed a new General Manager to oversee the league. That man's identity can be discovered by watching this video...
Now is the time to get your challenges in ! And if you're angry enough to issue a rematch, let's hear it!
The 2012 season has begun!!!!!!
And remember, NO ONE is on the injured list for next week. That means that EVERY wrestler on the roster is fair game for challenges!
ReplyDeleteFirst, congratulations to the winners and Mr. Thunderhammer, good to see you back. It's time to get right down to business and do what I came here for ... supremecy in FUCR! Jim and Cheryl, you have won me over with your showmanship! I must admit, I am a big fan. Perhaps your ego's are a bit much, though. Conrad Wolfsbane is hungy ... like the wolf - he was listening to too much Duran Duran, but oh well - and he is willing to give your Pierre St. Cloud a chance to redeem himself. he really just wants a warm up for next week. HAHAHAHAHA!It will be like 'The Spectre of Edgar Allen Poe,' which I starred in in 1974. If there are no hard feelings afterwards, perhaps you, Cheryl, and myself can talk about a production of our own ...
ReplyDeleteLittle Tommy boy. You need to learn some manners! Duke Alexander Stallion would like to make an example out of Tokyo Torres and give him a lashig he would like to give you, if only the law permitted! Let's see if that dirty mouth of yours can accept the challenge. However, you are a boy in a man's game so I won't hold against you if you don't accept.
And Millionaire ... J.C. Superstar may have survved the cross, but I highly doubt he would survive against a man who has been to hell and back again on more than a few occasion's - Sgt. Octopus! I have no doubt Mr. Superstar is willing to try, but can he handle a second crucifixion? It will take more than Charlies Angels - which I appeared on in 1976 - to save this 'messiah.'
Criminy! How many dadgum challenges are you plannin' on issuing, Romero? Just trying to cover your bases, eh? Sorta like how you tried to cover the bases of a young, glittery-eyed child superstar back in 1936 on the set of "My Dandy Fop". You're rotten to the core, Romero! To the core!
ReplyDeleteNext week's OFFICIAL card:
ReplyDelete1) Conrad Wolfsbane vs. Pierre St. Cloud
It seems as though we've slipped on the proverbial fantasy wrasslin' banana peel, but this week, the ship gets righted. Cesar, The Cloud shall reign down on you this week, and soak your chances of victory in the wet envelope of loss. After that we shall uncork the finest of wrasslin wines in The Phantom Dandy, as he challenges the Thrillionaire. But it will be Oui who will experience the Thrill of victory, and The Thrillionaire who tastes the agony of defeat. As for this general manager who-ha...we await the old pathetic ramblings of yet another old corpse in Bronson Thunderhammer. Maybe Cesar, Mickey, and Thunderhambone can shoot another Three Stooges remake...there's a market for everything these days...even geriatric gay pornography. Bronson couldn't manage to pull his dick out of a zipper to take a piss, let alone manage a wrasslin company. We shall see how goofy this punch drunk fool really is. Now...back to the bearskin to dig in and dig out some fine foxes. See you in the ring, young lions. Grrrrrr!
ReplyDeleteI think the action needs to be kicked up a notch up in this piece. The fans are demanding it in all the cards and letters we recieve. So...We challenge This Wolfsbane fellow to put up his fur and make the challenge an inferno match. Or is that too hot for you to handle, Cesar? You see, you may be into the Duran Duran...but we really dig the side project they did with Robert Palmer...The Power Station...but then, of course...some like it hot, and some sweat when the heat is on...
ReplyDeleteHere's what we're looking at for April 9 -
ReplyDelete1) Phantom Dandy vs. The Thrillionaire
2) Conrad Wolfsbane vs. Pierre St. Cloud... and will Romero accept the counter-challenge of OUI to make the match an INFERNO MATCH?!?!
Oh man, I gotta read all this old man bullshit again? At least the office is giving us summaries of the challenges so I can skim the metamucil and viagra paragraphs upon fucking paragraphs. Maximus von Zeus will take a swing at Warlock Star to see who the true supernatural being is! You hear that, Millionaire? Penis in mouth is your MO. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteAnd just so I'm clear, did that Romero creeper make a challenge to Tokyo Torres? If he did, Tokyo accepts!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drop a Brown Hornet in the old loo, too much Taco Bell last night makes Tommy a poopy young man.
Welcome, Bronson Thunderhammer. I remember you from when you were The Stonewall's red headed step-BITCH!
ReplyDeleteCesar, That Viagra your popping is causing your boner to stab your brain! You may be acting royalty, but here you're only a wannabe manager. You can't throw your Hollywood clout around FUCR cuz it'll get you NOWHERE fast... two challenges!?! AS IF!
Phantom Dandy, good luck with the Thrillionaire. I paid great money to have this protegee of mine grown in a test tube sing only the finest herbs and spices of my loins. Think of the amazing things Colonel Harland Sanders can do to a chicken, my labs did just this to The Thrillionaire....not make a chicken, but create the flashiest, badassiest rassler out there that encompasses the will and all of the other good traits of his manager.
Well, JC can finally demand the match he's been waiting for. He already cast the faux-saint Pierre out of his kingdumb. Now it's time to cast the other faux-Gods out as well. Zeus, you are NOT lineage of the Greek God Zeus and JC will prove it. YOU SUCK, Zeus... and JC will show you how much!!
JESUS CHRIST, When will JC get his chance to rid this FED of fake saints and gods? He's like a goddamn religious vigilante here!! Doesn't FUCR want to see this!?!
ReplyDeleteMr. Huang,
ReplyDeleteMr. Romero did indeed issue a challenge to Tokyo Torres. Unfortunately, the rulebook clearly states that a manager is allowed only one challenge per week; not the three which Mr. Romero has issued. As such, the Stallion/Torres match will be kept under consideration until we hear from our final manager, the Brown Hornet. Provided the Hornet does not include wrestler in his challenge, the match will be booked.
NEXT WEEK'S MATCHES (so far)
(1) Conrad Wolfsbane vs. Pierre St. Cloud (possible Inferno Match)
(2) Phantom Dandy vs. Thrillionaire
(3) Maximus Von Zeus vs. Warlock Star
*** Will the world ever see JC Superstar lock horns with Maximus Von Zeus? Not next week - but maybe soon! ***
The Millionaire totally has a cloaca. Walking around without pants, shiz dropping from his cloaca. That's gross, dude.
ReplyDeleteYes, ladies and gentlemen, yes. There's no point in pointing out the moment of brilliance that was reached when the Board of Directors asked for my assistance; that would be pointless. Suffice to say, this league needed leadership and they chose wisely with the only choice they had...
ReplyDeleteThe most dynamatical dude to ever dominate every deal: Me
Say my name.
New blood is good blood. It spills the same when it's given up for glory and this crop shows potential. I like what I see so far and all I demand of you is one simple thing. Bring everything you've got to the ring, each and every week. I ain't playing no favorites and I ain't playing no bullshit either. You keep it within the rules and I'll back you. You find a way to pimp the rules to make things even more phenomenal to the audience and I might even salute you.
You're all like my pack of condoms. I want you flexible, durable, able to survive all night action, and be ribbed for her pleasure. Just know that I'm the one that'll pinch the tip of you condoms before it's game time and make sure you're being applied properly, cuz I ain't having any of you spill-holes be that 1% chance of failing. An unexpected bun in the oven of F.U.C.R. ain't where this is going, got it?
Say my name...
Mr. Welz,
ReplyDeleteWe'd love to accept JC Superstar's challenge to Lassiter Arcade, but as the manager of Warlock Star and The Thrillionaire - both of whom are already booked in matches - you cannot issue a challenge this week.
Please refer to the rulebook if you have further questions.
Thank you
NEXT WEEK'S MATCHES:
(1) Conrad Wolfsbane vs. Pierre St. Cloud (possible Inferno Match)
(2) Phantom Dandy vs. Thrillionaire
(3) Maximus Von Zeus vs. Warlock Star
I will accept the Bords ruling. I wanted there to be no doubt I was ready to take everyone on. This may have sparked a rumor about me being senile. I am most assuredly not! My synapses are firing perfectly! Much like they were when I appeared on 'Chico and the Man' in 1974.
ReplyDeleteAnd Mr. St. Cloud, we will see you in that ring that not only cheap pyrotechnics will set ablaze, but Conrad Wolfsbane will as well at your expense! Reminds me of I game I played with the cast of 'The Mod Squad' after my appearance on the show in 1968 ...
Alright, Bronson... maybe you can answer my question. Why or how did FUCR allow some backsync degrees piece of shit like Tommy Huang to enter our glorious fed? How did he pass the strict rules of entry? He wasn't even born when Fantasy Video Game Wrestling was invented. He has more respect for shitty boy bands than he does for our prestigious sport!
ReplyDeleteCriminey! Is there any question as to whether or not Romero will accept the stipulation of an Inferno Match? That sorry sack of shit is the very definition of "flaming". If I had a nickle for every time he "accidentally" walked into my dressing room during the filming of "Andy Hardy's Big Adventure", I'd be even more of a millionaire than I am. And I'd STILL be the biggest and most well known child star the world has ever witnessed.
ReplyDeleteHuang, you got moxie and I respect that. Your people built this country, laying the railroads and whatnot, and don't you ever let anybody ever tell you different. Best of luck to you.
Consarnit Welz, I think you and Romero both have a case of senioritis. You call me old, but you two coots can't even issue a dadgum challenge the right way! Get your heads out of each others asses and give this fan what he wants - action! (and no, not the kind of action you two are interested in) If you had your business together, we'd see JC Superstar rid this league of the blasphemy of false idols. But no, you gotta sleep in late and the only worm your early bird is getting is the limp noodle in Romero's pants. Kids these days!
I like IKE!
...man, I never get to make challenges :(
ReplyDeleteI guess I shouldn't make my stable of rasslers so awesome!
"Backsync degrees"?!?! What's a backsync degrees? Who's the boy band fan? Don't speak until you're spoken to!
ReplyDeleteAs a child star myself (biggest in recorded history), I can speak with authority when I tell you that little yellow Huang kid has more chutzpuh in his left nut than Welz has in his entire body!
Thank you Mr. Rooney, I was raised well and taught to respect my elders. Speaking of which, I think that this season might count towards my high school service learning credits. Considering all the really old people I'm hanging out with here, it should count basically the same as working at an assisted living home.
ReplyDeleteOn that note, it's a privilege to be working with you Mr. Thunderhammer! It would be an honor if you could spice up von Zeus' match with a theme creatively violent from your glory days. Perhaps fire, barbed wire, broken glass, or even a piranha tank? Maybe something with tits?
It's called "demographics", Millionaire. It's also called "Don't you fucking worry about who made the cut or why". You don't like the kid being here then show it in the ring. You want to prove he doesn't belong here until the other nut drops? Whip his wrestlers' asses up and down the arena all season long.
ReplyDeleteYou have an opinion that the fans ignore or you have one that you force everyone to respect.
This goes for all of you. I wasn't hired to pamper your dainty little bottoms, and I sure as hell ain't your fucking bartender, so keep your problems to yourself. You're here to build dynasties and cement champions. As a manager you can either have monuments built in your image or be the dustfucker what cleans it's steps.
Truth will out. Where you rise or where you die falls on your hands. There are those who have already made their legends, so plug your cry-fountains and fight.
As for you, Romero: you just make sure that crusty 'stache of yours is fireproof! Ain't no Inferno Match around here getting anything cheap unless you wear one of them moth-soiled suits you're so fond of. Flick that spent moth love off yourself cuz I want this match to be insane.
Inferno Match in the second week. Out-fucking-standing.
Say my name...
NEXT WEEK'S MATCHES (so far)
ReplyDelete(1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)- INFERNO MATCH!
(2) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Thrillionaire (Welz)
(3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) vs. Warlock Star (Welz)
Will we hear from The Brown Hornet? Will the World's Champion, Dr. Matsumoto, make an appearance next week? Will the Bronson Thunderhammer add a stipulation to the Von Zeus/Star match? Stay tuned...
Thunderhammer? Oh my! Such supple eggs on that man! Being the Easter Benny has its perks, you know. I get to visit your home in the early hours of the morning, lean over you and listen to you sleep while I slip my eggs into your basket without waking you. So many eggs... And with this one, Thunderhammer, I think I'll give you a little bit of a special treat this holiday season. Just like Christ reborn, the FUCR will bathe in the glistening afterbirth of the man-God! I'm going to have to change my suit...
ReplyDeleteHm. Quite a show this week. The old actor and the duck shoot ahead. The boy sits in the middle and the others do nothing. Next week should prove interesting with a new crop of wrestlers being seen for the first time. I look forward to it.
ReplyDeleteI for one hope to see Lassiter Arcade ask for a rematch with Sgt. Octopus.
ReplyDeleteSincerely, I do.
'Sup, Dante.
ReplyDeleteIs that Jenny Glorp and dante reunited? Holy Peaches & Herb! I thought they ate each other on an island or something.
ReplyDeleteI ate my children on an island once, but it was fine, because I'm Easter Benny and we do that from time to time. Hippity hop, hippity hop, hippity hop, Easter's on it's wayyyyyyy. Oui shouldn't talk poorly about old timers just yet, nobody knows who OUI is, but Easter Benny does, and he thinks it's not just. Not just at all...
ReplyDeleteNo no, I just logged in with this account on accident.
ReplyDeleteNEXT WEEK'S MATCHES (so far)
ReplyDelete(1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)- INFERNO MATCH!
(2) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Thrillionaire (Welz)
(3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) vs. Warlock Star (Welz)
As did I! Ah hahahaha! Oui, feel free to suckle at the teat of failure!
ReplyDeleteAhahahahaha!
Accident. On purpose.
ReplyDeleteWhat is reality anyway? Who are we to say?
On purpose. I once found a dead deer in a drainage pipe.
ReplyDeleteIrregardless, i'm with that Dante chap. i'd like to see Lassiter Arcade challenge Sgt. Octopus to a rematch. It could be that we both share similarly follicularly challenged craniums or it could be my abborhence for violence and by extention, the military, but i believer that given the proper motivation coupled with the knowledge gained from their first encounter, Arcade could come out on top this time. I only hope the Brown Hornet is listening.
ReplyDelete"Irregardless" isn't even a word, asshole! It's "regardless", as in "without regard". Goddamn hippies. You know, in my day we were LINING UP to fight. Blasted Japanazis thinking they could steamroll over us. And the Eye-talians were just as bad! Reminds me of a picture I did back in '42 "My Fair Fuerher"... oh wait, that was Tyrone Power's nickname for Cesar Romero during their "tie me up" days. Jeeeeesus Criminey. Hollywood is a sorted tale, I'll tell ya.
ReplyDeleteREGARDLESS, keep your dadgum armchair managing to yourself and let the real managers do their work. Goddamn hairdresser, duck, easter rabbit and now this other schmuck. Where's the respect?
NEXT WEEK'S MATCHES (so far)
ReplyDelete(1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)- INFERNO MATCH!
(2) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Thrillionaire (Welz)
(3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) vs. Warlock Star (Welz)
Will we ever hear from the Brown Hornet?
Who the HELL is the Brown Hornet and why are they slippin' the FIRST WEEK of the triumphant return of our illustrious Fed? Save it for week 5 and onward.
ReplyDeleteThe Millionaire ain't trippin'
ReplyDeleteThe Brown Hornet's slippin'
Only one week in
and he ain't grippin'
reality so tight
and I think its right
for the Board to take the title
from Matsumoto TONIGHT!
If we do not hear from the Brown Hornet soon, his matches will be booked for him.
ReplyDeleteNEXT WEEK'S MATCHES (so far)
(1) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)- INFERNO MATCH!
(2) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Thrillionaire (Welz)
(3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) vs. Warlock Star (Welz)
Looks like business is slow, eh brother?
ReplyDeleteIndeed it does, indeed it does, brother.
The layout is tired, there's no synergy, and marketing is nonexistent!
I know, brother. I know.
Oh well, perhaps we could dip into Intensive Industries' petty cash and give a capital boost to this dog and pony show?
Mayhaps, if we're impressed by week three. I won't have us throwing our capital around, chasing pipe dreams for the sheer humour involved. You do know the saying, brother, "don't cast pearls before swine"?
You'd think, that Opulence Unlimited International, being an actual corporation, would see to something a little bit classier than all this.
True, brother. But we both understand that not every corporation has the, how shall it put it? Perhaps, to borrow a line from the esteemed Mr. Rooney, not every corporate entity has the "moxie" to survive in this business. Face it, sometimes the small business model is superior, at least if one simply wants to "get by", like the little people. Ha!
We'll, we're off for our hot oil massage therapy at Dante's dojo. Don't eat all the hot dogs, Brown hornet!
Ha ha! Yes brother, those wieners may be the most highly valued items in this entire circus!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Can't tell which is which, eh?
ReplyDeletei'm accustomed to that.
If that colored fella don't show up, I can take over his contracts!
ReplyDeleteMy vote is for Optimus Cryme to take over the contracts!
ReplyDeleteWORD!
ReplyDelete