The Slide to Slamarama begins here! This season of FUCR is in its final throes and you're all here to witness the bloodbath, retching and heartache. This week, we've allowed Mickey Rooney to issue special stipulations for each match. Let's see what he's got in store for us, shall we?
1) Due partly to Profesor Infierno's lack of presence on the message boards of late and mostly to the fact that Mickey Rooney is probably racist and definitely due to Rooney's irrational fear of skeletons as well as a lack of competition, Profesor Infierno found two of his charges lacing boots to tangle with a couple of bad dudes from South of the Border.
Maximus Von Zeus & Tokyo Torres took on the Mayan Sensation known as Alpha Vega and his partner from Tocula, Mexico - Lobo Uno. It was a fierce Texas Tornado match, putting all four men in the ring at the same time. It was hotter than a habenero inside the ring and out, as the action spilled all over the area. The match went exactly 6 minutes, when Maximus Von Zeus knocked out Lobo Uno, possibly with a loaded glove.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via KO @6:00
3pts = Tokyo Torres also
2) Our next match was a variation on the "Ultimate X" style match made popular in TNA, only seven times as deadly as anything that pussy league would ever put on air. Four poles measuring 15 feet high were raised at the ringposts and barbed wire was strung between them, creating an X above the ring. The barb wire was electrified, to ensure that scaredey cats, chickens and wimps stayed home. And in the center of the X, at the very crux of the biscuit, was a briefcase.
Inside the briefcase was a bevy of documentation. The contract of one Sgt. Octopus was contined within, as well as the guaranteed title shot earned by Pierre St. Cloud upon winning the Wheezleton Memoriale last week. Today, these two men did battle in one of the most dangerous matches to ever exist, and all because Mickey Rooney is a senile old ass.
As an added bonus, Cesar Romero sweetened the pot with a stipulation of his own. If Sgt. Octopus was able to win the match, maintain his career and earn a shot at the World's Championship, Romero would be granted one evening with Cheryl Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International. What makes that stipulation so patently absurd is the fact that the Halstedders are known swingers and Romero is a flaming homosexual. Or so the Hollywood Press reports...
At any rate, the match continued and nearly cost both men their lives, but at the 7:01 mark, Sgt. Octopus climbed the pole, threw Pierre St. Cloud's body onto the electrified barbed wire and brought the whole damned contraption down in the center of the ring. He briskly ran to the center of the ring, snatched up the briefcase and made his way out of the arena.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus @7:01
3) Danny Divine (OUI) defeated the Negotiator (Mick"Truck"Drivor) in a "finishing maneuver match".
3pts = Dannny Divine via finisher @4:36
4) Our next matchup was a 1st blood match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) ... ne'er have these two men met and mayhap ne'er will they again, so devastating was the destruction they wrote upon the pages of each other's faces and the canvas on which they fought. But the fans, bloodthirsty as they are, will clamor for more! Will they give it to us? We can only hope for a rematch. But today, it was the Duke who took home the victory.
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via 1st Blood @7:02
5) The main event was a rematch for the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently in the capable hands of Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor). His challenger was the man he defeated on two previous occasions to win the title, The Thrillionaire (Welz) - this time, it was a ladder match!
Prior to the sounding of the bell, a group of perhaps 15-20 fans entered the ringside area. Surrounding the ring, they simply sat down, each of them facing "The Millionaire" Matt Welz directly in th eye. "We are the 99%" was the slogan on the signs and placards they carried. Seemingly, the Occupy movement has arrived in FUCR and it has landed directly on the lap of the Millionaire.
The match was see saw for the entirity of its 15 minute duration. At one point, four ladders littered the ring. The Thrillionaire lived up to his name with high flying and death defying antics while Matsumoto pretty much just tried to kick the shit out of him. At the 7 minute mark, fans in the front row swore that they saw The Thrillionaire tap out to Matsumoto's Hajukaraju Death Grip, but only the instant replay knows for sure. What we all know is how it ended, and it ended like this...
5pts (2nd rematch) = Dr. Matsumoto. Victory @15:17
* Just as the show was about to go off the air, who should appear but Cesar Romero, Cheryl Halstedder and Sgt. Octopus!?!?! The former Marine Corps Drill Instructor held aloft the contract he'd won earlier tonight stipulating a guaranteed title shot under whatever circumstances he deemed fit... and he deemed fit to cash in that shot in a No-Holds Barred First Blood Match!
The battle raged and many fans offered weapons to the combatants. When the two men took their fight to an area populated by a group of soldiers on leave from the current fighting in Chinaraqistan, it was all over but the crying. Some say that a soldier slipped Sgt. Octopus a set of brass knucks. Others swore it was a loaded guitar and some say a loaded gun. But when one of the soldiers got ahold of the Championship Belt and placed it in the hands of the former Marine Corps Drill Instructor, the match ended with a crash as the belt was brought down upon Matsumoto's forehead, unleashing a crimson waterfall.
Your winner and NEW World's Heavyweight Champion ... Sgt. Octopus!!!
1pt = Sgt. Octopus
* After the match, during the victory celebration, Cesar Romero brought Cheryl Halstedder in close for a kiss. The two locked lips and as Romero pulled away, he felt a tingling sensation on his upper lip. Raising a hand to his face, he realized that Cheryl had covered her face in Nair and now... it had burned off his famous mustache! His prize posession, the mustache he refused to shave for three seasons on the Batman televsion series in the 1960s, was GONE! With a laugh, Cheryl blew Romero a kiss and skipped down the entrance ramp, into the arms of her lover. Romero was left in the center of the ring, crying as Sgt. Octopus tried to console him *
Get your fucking challenges in for next week!
Alas! My stache is gone, but my consolation prize is my beloved Sgt. Octopus continuing the greatest comeback of the season to win not one, but TWO matches and become the new FUCR champion! I haven't felt this glorious since I held gold at the 43rd annual Golden Globe Awards ... and presented it to Richard Chamberlain for best actor in a television series! Cheryl, your tricks will not be forgotten! You'll never beat Bea Arthur and her handjobs! I don't want to forget my precious Stallion ... Apparently asking for help from Aleister Crowley can help you not only defeat so called 'divinity,' but draw blood from him and use it in your next spell! Stallion looked like the Duke of Wellington at the battle of Waterloo when he shed the blood of FUCR's Christ! Undoubtedly, my new champion and conquering Duke will have to look over their shoulder's going into the home stretch to Slamarama. Challenger's, I invite you to dance! My dear Conrad is feeling left out after his brother's in arm's victories so we issue a challenge to the so called Spectacular one. Dr. Spectacular, prepare for pain!
ReplyDeleteThe first match for next week has been signed - Conrad Wolfsbane vs. Dr. Spectacular
ReplyDeleteWow. Everybody showed up for the party, huh?
ReplyDeleteSlow day at the nursing home, Romero? Nobody out on the shuffleboard courts today?
Contrary to popular belief, I do not live in a nursing home. However, I have been known to enjoy a game of shuffleboard now and again. Funny, though, I was at the nursing home today visiting my old flame, Lee Meriwether. We had some good times during the Batman series. Interesting story ... I dubbed her the 'haunted mouth' for her, well, romantic skills shall we say. Years later in 1974, I was part of a project - 'The Haunted Mouth!' A short film done by her then husband!
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! Looks like the stable was celebrating the birth of ME a little too much this weekend. I guess we shouldn't have had JC do his crucifixion bit right down to the crown of thorns the night before, even he needs more than an 8 hour period to heal his raw hamburger... but GODDAMN is it hilarious!!
ReplyDeleteAnd it seems like The Thrillionaire has some wounds to lick before he returns to the championship contendership. No better than to start at the bottom and work his way up.
JC wants to get his heads up in the clouds... SAINT CLOUDS that is. FUCR... draw it up! He ain't nuttin but water vapor that JC is going to blow away the next time he goes home... to heaven!
Two hard fought matches in one night is a lot. Even for someone as hard core as the good Doctor! So I might as well demand my rematch againt Sgt. Octopussy and take my damn belt back. Everyone hits a little bump in the road once in a while, but soon enough we will be back rolling smooth down the highway!
ReplyDeleteLee Meriweather played Catwoman in the 1966 Batman FILM, Romero; not the televsion series, in which Catwoman was portrayed by Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt.
ReplyDelete* Mick "Truck" Drivor isn't one to waste time!
ReplyDelete* JC Superstar wants to steal a win like it's a crime!
* Conrad Wolfsbane has magic on his mind!
* When will we hear from Infierno and OUI?
Next Week Thus Far...
1) JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Infierno)
3) Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) vs. Sgt. Octopus (Romero) - CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH!
THAT'S IT?!?!
ReplyDelete"Um, I guess I'll take my rematch. Ho hum"
No stipulation? No gimmicks? No ladder match or ring surrounded by broken Legos? No falls-count-anywhere or tables match? No two-out-of-three-falls? NOTHIN'?!?!
After all the hard work I put into this past week, all I get in return is...
"I'll take my rematch."
BAH! Phooey on you and phooey on the whole LOT of you! Back in my day, I'd have already won that belt back and defended it in 5 states!
Mr. Neubuling, you are correct. It is embarrassing when my 'senior moments' are pointed out. When I referred to the Batman days, I was thinking of the movie in '66. My age shows fromm time to time. You are cruel to mock me. However, I believe you would make quite the manager ... someday.
ReplyDeletewhat a holiday weekend! Honey, there ain't no cure for sweet love hangover. Well, maybe we should retire back to our chamber for a little more wine, cheese, and...well...heh heh heh. Next week, let's have a dandy of a time watching the old Phantom haunt the dreams of Tokyo Torres. Tico, we know you were the chinaman who pee'd on our rug at the last soiree' we held, and now we plan to rub your nose in it.
ReplyDeleteOh my! It seems my strategy of "no strategy" has paid off again! I do apologize, but I've recently teamed up with Jaybob and Jomax of intensive Industries and I'm happy to say that living off molded plastic toy royalties is quite the relaxing way to go about la vida! Mr. Romero, may I say that you look quite dashing even sans-mustache! Unfortunately you've chosen the path to failure by again challenging me, but that's "otay" as my good friend Buckwheat is wont to say.
ReplyDeleteOui, you struggle with my stable like a baby struggling with a McDonalds Happy Meal toy. The same toy, upon which said baby soon chokes to death when they somehow manage to release it from it's plasticized packaging!
As I was saying, Mr. Romero, after this upcoming week and you are dealt yet another humiliating defeat by my stable, I would ask that we put aside our differences for one week and combine might by teaming Duke Alexander Stallion with my primary death dealer Maximus von Zeus. I believe that we can achieve quite a bit with this combination. Keep it in mind, and we'll see what happens.
Oh well, I'm off to Cancun to sip margaritas by the sea with Zooey Deschanel! I have to say, Intensive Industries is quite the promotion team, I haven't had to pay for dinner in months!
Oh yes, Mr. Truck Drivor, please do take a bath.
Oh, and one final thing. I believe our smelly friends of the 99% should know that the Millionaire is scheduled to appear at a shareholders' meeting of Wells Fargo Bank this upcoming Thursday. He is scheduled to speak at 11:00AM, right after Mitt Romney, but before the Reptoid representative from the Draconian constellation.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, my fine friends. The Millionaire is not only a registered 1% Republican, but he's also making deals with the REPTOIDS!
Here's next week...
ReplyDelete1) JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Infierno)
3) Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) vs. Sgt. Octopus (Romero) - CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH!
4) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Tokyo Torres (Infierno)
5) The Thrillionaire (Welz) vs. Lassiter Arcade (Drivor)
It was only a matter of time, Inferno.
ReplyDeleteIt appears one of my offspring (while I was away) mentioned that he was a clone of me. As this is true, it's also a secret of sorts that has obviously been let out of the bag. These 99% of whatever they are have been breathing down my back since that moronic clone slipped up.
YES, I'm worth over 7 figures. Yes, I'm sure there are a ton of people out there jealous of me... 99% of you to be exact. Yes, it is true I am of the Arian Space traveling race... BUT I AM NOT A REPTOID!! Those Damn Dirty animals have been following me to both ends of the dimension trying to get a piece of my pie. NO MORE!! They have their slimy tails in everybody else's business (government, religion, media, ETC), BUT NOT MINE!!
You all know way too much now. That's why I've been so involved in this rasslin fed, I'm pretty positive that there's no more than 6 people on this planet that even pay attention to FUCR, so in that regard, I think I'm safe. I just hope those asshole redneck racists don't confuse their plight to keep hate and racism alive with my Arian race remaining pure. Our space race need not be mixed with blacks, jews, orientals OR WHITES!! That's right!! We shun ALL OF YOU!! It would be like if a greek god reproduced with a piece of sand.
First, Mr. Drivor, I was sidetracked by thoughts of Lee Meriwether which then led to thoughts of Stefanie Powers ... Anyhow ... I am with Rooney for once. 'You'll take your rematch' and that's it?! My flair for the dramatic is overwhelming right now and, if it pleases the FUCR board, I would like the Octopus - Matsumoto championship match to be special. TLC, inferno, lumberjack? I ask the board to grant this and choose the stipulation.
ReplyDeleteInfierno, you make quite the impression! Well spoken with the perfect amount of mystery. I must say, I'm skeptical about teaming up with your Mr. Von Zeus, but after some thought I have an answer with a question ... Who shall we callenge? I can see it now! We will be like Hal Linden and Harry Morgan on 'Blacke's Magic,' which I guest starred on in 1986! Offering to put our differences aside is quite noble. You've proven to be more Christ-like than J.C. Superstar himself!
Mr. Romero, I truly appreciate your gentleman-like comments! It is very rare to have a manager with such refined class and appreciation for the arts! I dabbled in theater myself a while back, performing in Mexico City with Alejandro Jodorowsky's Panic Theater troupe on a number of occasions.
ReplyDeletePerhaps if The Millionaire were to be persuaded to accept our challenge, and team with a member of OUI's stable for a spectacular orgasmatorium of destructive creation against our Titans? I suppose we will have to wait until next week's results, but..!
Millionaire, OUI: we understand that challenges cannot be made in advance, but consider this! If you have an ounce of self respect you will heed this call, and begin preparations for a rumble of epic proportions! Choose your rasslers, and consider this a pre-challenge! Unofficially, of course, but you know how things go.
Next Week, Alexander Duke Stallion and Maximus von Zeus vs. members of Millionaire's and OUI's stables! As Jean Luc Picard would say, MAKE IT SO!!!
As the saying goes, it is the early bird who gets the worm, Profesor Infierno. Unfortunately, the contracts have been drawn up and next week's card is set (see our above comments).
ReplyDeleteHowever, we have a very special event planned for the June 11 show: a TAGSTRAVAGANZA of sorts, which will find members of opposing stables teaming up to take on members of other normally opposing stables. Stay tuned for further details.
As usual, the Youth of America mean well but are misguided.
ReplyDeleteThe alleged "Millionaire" Matt Welz (I have my doubts as to his actual worth) has been targeted by the 99%. The "Occupy Movement", as FUCR has so succinctly stated, has landed directly on his doorstep.
But what is the Millionaire? Like a benign tumor hanging from the testicle of FUCR, he is an irritant, but ultimately harmless. He likely lives in a cardboard box, he almost certainly isn't even a thousandaire, let alone on the level of JR Ewing and the like. Yet, because of his title, these children make him a target of their scorn.
Has anyone actually paid attention to the comments and behavior of Professor Infierno?
He speaks highly of Mexico and other South American countries. Countries rich in two things: Vacation spots and the trafficking of contraband. As a matter of fact, Infierno is almost constantly making reference to his many vacations which do not allow him the opportunity to make a timely challenge or comment on these boards.
And what then? He demands that the rules be changed in his favor. HE wants to "kick it with his peeps" so he demands a tag match. HE can't make it online because he sleeps all day so his response is to whine and ask for allowances. He asks that FUCR cater to him!
I propose the idea that the skeleton the Professor wears on his bodice and countenance is symbolic of the man who lurks behind the mask - WHITE AS HELL.
Think about it. Much like the misguided 99%-ers, the Professor lives a life of luxury, partying in Cancun or other "Spring Break" resorts, sleeping in, leaving comments from his iPad and - as he is accustomed to getting whatever he wants - regularly asking FUCR to alter the rules in his favor. Why, I bet he slipped that Jenny Glorpp girl some roofees. Just like the spoiled little rich boy that he is.
Oh, I'm sure that he's VERY concerned about the plight of the indiginous peoples peoples of some tiny Latin American country, insofar as it suits him to spout Marxist rhetoric while wearing his Che Guevarra t-shirt at the local rave, trying to impress a drunken English Lit major with big tits.
Well played, Infierno. But I'm on to your game and hopefully I've enlightened the rest of the FUCR managers and fans to your tactics.
You make me sick, sir. Feel free to give Jane Fonda the finger for me when you see her and Tim Robbins at your next Hollywood swaree'.
Cesar Romero IS quite a gentleman. His way with words is reminiscent of the legendary JT Lash. I bet we wouldn't like Romero when he's angry though.
ReplyDeleteNubuling's comments toward Doctor Inferno make sense. I have to admit it. The guy is a big fat jerk, but he may be on to something.
Ah, Mr. Neubuling, FUCR's answer to a question no one asked! Yet unlike the petulant Lisa Simpson, you add nothing of value to this site. But since you've felt it necessary to make a public ass of yourself, I have included below a summary of my discussions relating to the tag team matchup. Once you relieve your rectal cavity of your cranium, perhaps you can reread my comments, and realize that I was speaking of challenges "after this upcoming week". In effect, as I made abundantly clear in my comments (if you had taken the time to read them), I was speaking of possibilities for next week, after this upcoming monday night's matches. Now, I understand that someone with limited creativity such as yourself has a hard time coming up with innovative ideas, as is evidenced by your canned responses on this board, but please, sir, do try to keep up with the professionals? I now turn to the evidence of your unmitigated dumbassery:
ReplyDelete"... Mr. Romero after this upcoming week and you are dealt yet another humiliating defeat by my stable, I would ask that we put aside our differences for one week and combine might by teaming Duke Alexander Stallion with my primary death dealer Maximus von Zeus..."
"I suppose we will have to wait until next week's results, but..!"
"Millionaire, OUI: we understand that challenges cannot be made in advance, but consider this! If you have an ounce of self respect you will heed this call, and begin preparations for a rumble of epic proportions! Choose your rasslers, and consider this a pre-challenge! Unofficially, of course, but you know how things go."
I know this is difficult for you to understand, Mr. Neubuling, but please do try to keep your bullshit limited to one or two brief paragraphs. We are incredibly busy men and women. And I do apologize if my ability to multitask confounds you. It is perfectly reasonable for a man of my intellectual capacities to plan out a managerial strategy with one hand, while gently fondling the perky breasts of a young chica with the other.
And with that, I return to my office/cabana to... multitask with Conchita and Isabella.
Adios, putos!
Hm. I concede the point. You DID, in fact, mention setting up matches for next week. I suppose it's due to the fact that you're living in the future, using your iPad to keep up with Mother Jones and your rich friends.
ReplyDeleteNote, however, that you did not deny your inherent caucasionality, nor the privilige it has given you. Note that while you deny asking FUCR to alter next week's card, you never deny being a spoiled rich frat boy suckling at the teat of hardworking Americans who earned their riches and the unfortunate brown-skinned semi-savages we've taken under our feathery eagle's wing and forced to work for pennies on the dollar. Note that you do not deny exploiting those people for your own gains.
You're a traitor to the Constitution, Professor. It may be a scrap of paper to you, but it means a whole lot more to me. It's an idea. It's a dream. A lot of people have picked themselves up by the bootstraps over the past 235 years, striving to make something for themselves while pampered dandies such as yourself whine and cry, texting your friends about how hard it is to keep up with a 25 hour work week.
I'm sorry you had to wait in line overnight for those Snow Patrol tickets. If that's the hardest hardship you've had to endure, you can thank a fucking veteran and wipe your tears with that shit toilet paper you call the Communist Manifesto!
Sic Semper Tyrannus!
Thank god somebody had the guts to say it.
ReplyDeleteBravo, Mr. Neubuling.
Penny Arcade and St Cloud of Smoke, You're both going to lose to rasslers from my stable!! Prepare for defeat!!
ReplyDelete