Welcome back, fantasy professional rasslin' fans! Tonight's show may be hazardous to your health, so if you've got a heart condition, we advise you to just stop reading now. Ask someone healthier to read it for you and have them relate it to you in small doses so it's easier to digest.
Those of you who are feeling up to snuff, we hope you enjoy having a fucking hard-on for the next 15 minutes or however long it takes you to read this because this shit is so goddamn awesome, it will... well, it'll make your penis hard. And if you lack a penis, YOU WILL GROW ONE.
1) J.C. Superstar (Welz) has been one of the more dominant stars of the season but the past few weeks have been nothing but a series of setbacks for this promising superstar and perennial contender. Hoping to nip that losing streak in the bud, he challenged this year's Wheezleton Memoriale winner, Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) to a match.
Once again, before the mach began, a crowd of protesters surrounded the ring. Bearing signs and placards which proclaimed them to be among the 99%, they protested "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and his corporate greed. Peaceful though they were, the crowd was painted as thugs and rapists by the likes of Fox News, who make a point to cover FUCR events, and Frank Miller who... Jesus, what the fuck happened to Frank Miller?
It was a hard fought battle that saw the brutality spill outside the ring and into the crowd. Both men were nearly counted out, but the Stepson of a Carpenter was just too much for the Funky Frenchman to handle and J.C. won the match.
3pts = J.C. Superstar via pinfall @6:17
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) and Dr. Spectacular (Profesor Infierno) fought one of the most fast-paced, action packed battles we've seen all season. These two men are constantly overlooked in the World Title race, but consistently prove themselves to be worthy of future consideration. And Wolfsbane won.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @5:04
3) Tokyo Torres (Infierno) returned to action tonight, as did the Phantom Dandy (OUI) - no longer bound to the stipulation of the "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match" he lost to the Thrillionaire last month. Both men will likely be visting a manicurist and a dentist after this match, as they fought tooth and nail.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @4:59
4) Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) has proven himself to be an astonishingly adept technical wrestler on several occasions. The Thrillionaire (Welz) has begun the long, hard climb back to the top of the ladder after losing the World's Heavyweight Championship to Dr. Matsumoto. Both men had something to prove and they proved it by putting on one of the best goddamn wrestling matches we've ever had the pleasure of watching. We can only hope for a rematch.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @3:54
5) And now it's time for the main event. The rematch between World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) ... no frills, no gimmicks; just the two best wrestlers in the world today going at it one more time.
The tension was so thick, you could smash it with the rock hard penis you undoubtedly have after reading and viewing the amazing goddamn wrestling card the stars of FUCR have put on for you today. And the action? Just watch for yourselves...
4pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @6:47
**** Next week, we're hoping to do something a little differently. As the season nears its end and the Slide to Slamarama continues, we'd like to see some tag team action! So every match (or as many as possible) next week will be of the tag team variety!
Now, we don't know how or if this will work, but here's what we'd like to see:
- You can pick your opponent via challenge
- You can pick your teammate
- But you can not pick both your opponent and your teammate (though you are certainly encouraged to ask someone to team up with you)
- If a tag team is already formed, you may challenge them (and hope you get a good partner)
Make sense? We know it probably won't work out quite as perfect as we imagine it in our heads, but if it doesn't, we'll figure it out.
Now get your challenges in! ****
Hey, whaddever happened to that Halstedder dame Nair-in' Romero's mustache off last week? Ain't you gonna get no revenge, Ces?
ReplyDeleteHeh. Then again, you always was one to run from a dame, weren't ya?
A|h, yes ... Another successful title defense for my prized pony, Sgt. Octopus! It looks like the special bootcamp I sent him to with old friend Fred Grandy has made a difference! Yes, when I appeared on 'The Love Boat' in 1977 I got to know Fred. Everyone thought good old Gopher was just a pushover, but he was a beast! Former Navy Seal and enough pent up aggression to solve the energy crisis! Thanks, Fred. You helped get MY special beast back on top! Much like I was on top of Maria Grimm during 'The Proud and the Damned' in 1972! On to the meat and potatos, though ...
ReplyDeleteI am impressed by your innovative ways, FUCR! A gala tag team affair! Yeeees! Well, Good Professor, it seems that your Mr. Von Zeus and my prancing pony, Mr. Stallion have a venue to team up as you requested! Happy riding to us both. Shall we meet for brunch this week? Come to my personal playground in Beverly Hills for a meal prepared by my personal assistant AND chef, Frankie. We can talk strategy a Greek mythology.
My dashing champion, Sgt. O would like to give the fans an appearance next week even if he's not defending his gold. Never one to shy away from action, Mr. Octopus would like to invite the always devistating Danny Devine to be his partner for next weeks festivities. Cheryl and Jim, I implore you to join me at ringside and cheer our men on to victory. What say you, my dear swinging friends? Shall we fight the good fight together instead of against one an other?
i know one thing and one thing only, if you can't beat em, join em. Dr. Whatsoever...a little prophet by the name of JC Superstar would love to team up with you. I don't care if we crush these losers, or anybody else... I'm just sayin good luck to whoever steps in the ring against these two.
ReplyDeleteLooks like we've got our main event for next week!
ReplyDelete* Duke Alexander Stallion/Maximus Von Zeus vs. JC Superstar/Dr. Matsumoto!
Will Danny Divine accept Sgt. Octopus' offer to team up? Or will the Halstedder's make another choice? Or will someone else sneak in and team up with the champ before OUI has a chance to answer? And who else will form uneasy alliances?
Find out soon! (we hope)
Heh. Looks like the action is really heating up as the season comes to an end. Wow, you might even break double digits today.
ReplyDeleteLosers.
Ahahahaha! I would love to brunch with you, Mr. Romero. In fact, considering my timely arrival on the scene I believe we will have much to discuss. And, as an added bonus and sign of my friendship, I am not only accepting your official choice of Maximus von Zeus as Duke Alexander Stallion's partner, I'm doubling down and cutting in line in front of OUI to announce that as MY official choice of partner for doubles, Tokyo Torres choose Sgt. Octopus as his partner!
ReplyDeleteI believe this is a legal (and diabolical) move, considering my proposition from last week was not official but a suggestion! If I'm correct, Mr. Romero has officially issued his choice, and I am allowed to make my official choice!
ReplyDeleteIndeed it is legal, Profesor. Each manager is allowed to issue only ONE challenge per week. Romero usually issues anywhere between 3 to 7 so we just accept the first one and ignore the rest.
ReplyDeleteSo here's what we've got for next week:
1) Duke Alexander Stallion & Maximus Von Zeus vs. JC Superstar & Dr. Matsumoto
2) Tokyo Torres & Sgt. Octopus vs. ________
Who's next? What's next? Infierno and Romero are both booked up but everyone else is free. Get your challenges in now!
Ahahahaha! Mr. Romero, I believe these upcoming matches should secure some easy points for our respective stables! And if all goes well, it should allow us to sit atop the leader boards securely, much like in your 1929 film "Love That Brute", in which your character Pretty Willie Wetzchahofsky teamed up with former nemesis Big Ed Hanley to rub out their mutual enemies! This can only end well! Ahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteAlright Millionless we will team up for this week and destroy those panty wastes! With JC ridin' shotgun I don't think we can lose. Jesus on the Dashboard O yeah! Whoever wants to team up with the marvelous Lassiter Arcade To take on the phony champ Sgt Octopussy and Toenail Torres we are ready to whip their candy Ass!
ReplyDeleteUPDATED 6/11 CARD:
ReplyDelete1) Duke Alexander Stallion & Maximus Von Zeus vs. JC Superstar & Dr. Matsumoto
2) Tokyo Torres & Sgt. Octopus vs. Lassiter Arcade & ______
Wow, what a turnout.
ReplyDeleteJust give up already.
Alright, Mick... if that is your real name, I'll let Penny Arcade ride the edge of a lightning bolt for one evening and let him team up with The Thrillionaire for one match. It'll be good for him and hopefully empower him to kick some ASS!!
ReplyDeleteSince I didn't issue any challenges this week, can I then have Warlock Star take on the negotiater aside from these 2 tag matches?
* Per the rules, you "issued your challenge" for the week when JC Superstar chose Dr. Matsumoto as his parter.
ReplyDelete* Since you have already issued your alloted number of challenges for the week (one) and we have yet to hear from OUI, we are allowing them until 10pm this evening to issue a challenge or align themselves with an established team. If we have not heard from them by then, The Thrillionaire will team with Lassiter Arcade next week. We don't really expect to hear from them, but one never knows.
* Since THE DAWN OF TIME, wrestlers in FUCR have only been allowed to take part in two matches per week. No, Warlock Star can not take on The Negotiator next week in addition to your two other matches and the two matches Mick "Truck" Drivor's stable have been booked in.
Way to make confusing new rules for the week and then insult the managers who can't decipher your ramblings, FUCR.
ReplyDeleteWhere is Bronson Thunderhammer? Isn't he supposed to be keeping order around here?
Just figured I'd ask. your last post that you recently erased threw me.
ReplyDeleteAnd not to be a TCB, but I believe you mean "MANAGERS in FUCR have only been allowed to take part in two matches per week"... not wrestlers.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWho the hell is TCB? Don't make me regret siding with you in my last post, "Millionaire" Mickey Cesar Welzero.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone in this league not burned away the majority of their brain cells through years of prescription drug abuse?
I need to find a new fantasy pro wrestling league to insult. The caliber of retard in this one just isn't up to my standards.
Mr. Neubuling, we appreciate your commentary, but if we needed any help from you, we would've given you the job as General Manager.
ReplyDeleteMr. Welz, we apologize for any confusion.
Apologizing to Millionless for him being confused? Isn't that sort of like apologizing to a monkey for throwing his shit at you?
ReplyDeleteCorrection: THAT retard is up to my standards.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Trucker.
FINAL 6/11 CARD:
ReplyDelete1) Duke Alexander Stallion & Maximus Von Zeus vs. JC Superstar & Dr. Matsumoto
2) Tokyo Torres & Sgt. Octopus vs. Lassiter Arcade & the Thrillionaire
3) Phantom Dandy & Danny Divine vs. ???? - Mystery Opponents to be revealed next Monday!
Those first two matches look to be AWESOME!! But what's the deal with OUI, they don't show up for a week so they get rewarded with jobbers to rassle? So the less amount of work one puts into this fed gets you an easier ride... this fed sounds more and more AMERICAN than I initially thought. Here I am trying to better the product and putting my stable's ass on the line, while OUI completely skips out and gets their hand held by FUCR. Something doesn't add up!
ReplyDelete**Potential future rule, you don't show up in the message boards for a week (or two to cut one week worth of slack)... neither does your rasslers. OR at least they just don't get points for victories, they could be considered dark matches.**
Since you asked, here's how we've been handling it.
ReplyDeleteIt's really a case-by-case basis, but if a manager misses a week and they are not challenged, they are booked against two unsigned wrestlers chosen at random. There are no jobbers in FUCR. If they win - both of their wrestlers earn points. Hooray. If they lose - no points. Looks like they should've gotten on, huh?
Perhaps the manager was sick? Perhaps their internet service was down? Perhaps they were on vacation and not able to get to a compuer? Perhaps they died? Wouldn't you feel bad talking shit about them if they were dead? Then we'd have to have a memorial show and you'd be the one with egg on your face.
OUI has been on the boards consistently since the season started and if memory serves, this is the only time they missed a week. Punishing them for a minor infraction is akin to putting a person in jail for 25 years for posession of a joint. It's AMERICAN, and it doesn't add up.
Now, if the manager misses another week (and again, isn't challenged), then they are likley to be booked in only one match, or perhaps no matches. Look back on the season and you'll see that this is how we handled The Brown Hornet situation. We don't coddle our managers, but we aren't tyrants either.
* In reference to the rest of your case, we offer this - OUI didn't show up this week, but that's only 1/2 the problem. They also did not receive any challenges.
*Romero teamed with Infierno
*Infierno teamed with Romero
*Millionaire teamed with Drivor
*Millionaire again teamed with Drivor
If you want to make the product better, as you claim to be doing, why didn't you team with the Phantom Dandy? Why didn't you challenge him? Why didn't you introduce variety to the show, rather than team with the same manager both times?
Remember, when you point a finger, there are four other fingers pointing back at you.
Actually, there are only three other fingers pointing back at you; the other is a thumb and depending on how you're pointing, it's likely facing the same direction as your pointer finger. But why argue semantics?
I have four fingers pointing straight up my colon right now, and you don't see me complaining.
ReplyDeleteThere would be a thumb too but I gnawed it off when it got caught in a Chinese finger trap.
ReplyDeleteI was just saying more of a second consecutive week to miss. One week is completely understandable, two weeks and it seems your starting to just give up or don't care. That is all, I'm not trying to punish OUI... but let's just say the Brown Hornet shouldn't still be getting potential point matches on their 3rd week missed. That's all.
ReplyDeleteLoathe as I am to admit it, the Millionaire has a somewhat valid point.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it curious that Sgt. Octopus, the so-called "Undisputed Champion of the World" isn't defending his title next week, with so few weeks left in the season?
Instead, we've got a "Tagstravaganza" aka "protecting the champ from having to prove his worth by putting his title on the line"!
Sgt. Octopus is tagging with Tokyo Torres while facing The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade. All four men seem to be worthy contenders to the throne, yet none of them are actually challenging for the title!
I'm all for tag team warfare, but I suspect that FUCR sees a veritable goldmine in Sgt. Octopus action figures and support for troops overseas fighting an unwinnable war that no one wants to be involved in. Whipping up patriotic fervor in the inbred masses as a way to sell tickets and merchandise? I smell a collusion. Further, I see a ... how do you say it? PAPER CHAMP!
As for OUI, this is clearly a front for a prostitution ring. FUCR Board members get perks and OUI gets to do as they please.
I stand with you, Millionaire! Down with this tyrannical regime!
Does anyone recall the week The Millionaire was on vacation? While he was busy smoking fat doobies, his protege' was being HANDED the World's Championship for beating no one!
ReplyDeleteIf you want to get to the bottom of a conspiracy, you look for the people who profit from it. I wonder how many palms the Millionaire had to grease in order to "earn" the championship?
I hate to say it, but I'm starting to lose faith in this federation. Maybe Kurt Neubuling is right...
And finally, I LOVE Cesar Romero!! there, I said it!
ReplyDeleteIf Cesar Romero loved you back, he'd put that title on the line.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
My, my, my ... As an old friend once said: 'Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god ...' I said, 'James, you should put that piece of poetry into a song.' He replied, 'C'mon ... let's go get some taco's ...' and grinned. I have had this kind of heartache weighing on me. Reminiscing about my dear departed Liz Taylor and when we tripped the light fantastic during our time on 'Julia Misbehaves' in 1948. And now this mix of odd chatter in FUCR ... First, Mr. Neubuling, despite others opinions of you, I have appreciated your banter and fandom. But calling my dear Sgt. O a paper champ? He beat Mr. Matsumoto twice. Never handed anything. Weeks ago when you called Mr. Thrillionaire a paper champ after he was handed the title when Matsumoto didn't show up, well, that made more sense. My apologies to you Mr. Millionaire. I have been an admirer of yours and have hope that you will see fit to help fund one of my many productions. I return the love back to you, sir. Mr. Oswald, you say that if I truly love The Millionaire that I will have Sgt. O put his title on the line. Well, Sgt. O is never one to pass up a title defense. It was FUCR who put together a gala tag team event for this Mondays show. If FUCR wants to change things up and have my dashing Sgt. defend the belt, we here at Romero inc. welcome that dance! And Mr. Neubuling, yes, wartime marketing is a known strategy of the always hungry power, business elite that rule over us all. But I can assure you that we here at Romero inc. have had no part in the shadow that is the unseen hand of slave masters rule. By the way ... Mr. Oswald, are you related to Lee H. Oswald? I'm sorry. I mean Leigh H. Oswald. She worked at a book depository in Burbank and was fired for burning copies of Judy Blume's 'Deenie; Then Again, Maybe I Won't.' She was really just the fall guy (girl) for members of the National Children's Book and Literacy Alliance who wanted all books about masturbation burned. She was a dear old flame.
ReplyDeleteIn closing, if FUCR see's fit to pit my PEOPLE'S champion against one of the coterie of Millionaire's nair do well's, there will be no argument from myself or Sgt. O. Now, where's the after party at?
Ahh, Leigh is my neice. Helluva kid, that one. I respect her for standing up for her beliefs, even if she had to take the fall for hte CBLA.
ReplyDeleteAlso, to answer the Millionaire's question, you are absolutely correct sir: I have no managerial points. I am not a manager of professional fantasy wrestlers. Why would I have any points?
ReplyDeleteHow many engineering degrees do you hold? I hold several. Because that's my job. My chosen profesion and I worked hard to get where I am. I provide a good life for my family as I'm sure you do yours.
However, I am a humble man and try to keep my ears and most importantly, my mind open to new avenues of improvement. If you have a suggestion as to how I could be a better engineer, you are welcome to voice it! I will assess your commentary and either (a) ignore it or (b) integrate your suggestion into my work.
It is my understanding that we, the fans of FUCR, are allowed to voice our opinions on this message board just as you are. As a dedicated fan, I appreciate all the hard work you and all the other managers put forth.
In no way, shape or form did I ever insinuate that the Thrillionaire did not earn his title shot. He absolutely did. However, you can not deny that he beat no one for the title. I simply stated that he was handed the title while you were smoking doobies, a fact.
The fault lies within the FUCR board of directors, not in your impressive managerial skills or the skills displayed by your amazing wrestlers. However, the fact that you are so quick to defend FUCR does seem to indicate some sort of working arrangement between your parties.
Yours truly,
Benjamin Thomas Oswald
BT, the working arrangement is that I work at this arrangement. Nothing more. I want to earn TOP MANAGER OF THE YEAR just like these other Jabronies. Which is why...
ReplyDeleteI have stricken my challenge or collusion (or whatever the hell we were allowed one of this week) to answer THE PEOPLE!! Beacuse the PEOPLE have spoke!! They called for a championship match this week between Sarg. O and the only man the Sarg has tapped out to earlier in this season... that man is actually no man. HE IS A GOD! JC Superstar has decided to descend from his city in the clouds to return with a GOLDEN BELT around his waist for hot chick angels to carry around for him.
FUCR, throw out the rule books and listen to the REAL driving force of this Federation... THE PEOPLE!! For they have wanted and called for this match. Draw up the papers for Sarg defending his belt against JC SUPERSTAR in a Championship match for this next show. It will blow the doors off our previously highest rating ever. Oh... and one more thing. Let's make it a SUBMISSION ONLY MATCH!!!!
MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHquackHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Mr. Welz,
ReplyDeleteYour lawyers have contacted our lawyers and are currently working on coming to an agreement. Hopefully we will have an answer by tomorrow morning and the show will not be postponed.
Thank You,
Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin