Welcome to another installment of MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM, brought to you by the fine folks at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin.
We don't know if you've been paying attention to the message boards, but it's been a whirlwind of a week! Several fans raised their voices, demanding a World Championship title defense from the champion, Sgt. Octopus. The Millionaire himself chimed in, demanding a match that made literally NO sense. Unfortunately, having a lot of money means having a pretty sweet legal team, and our representatives have spent the past 24 hours battling it out in an attempt to reconfigure the contracts.
We came up with a doozy that will hopefully satisfy all parties... tonight, the World's Heavyweight Championship will be on the line in the main event! Sgt. Octopus teams with Tokyo Torres against The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade - if any man can pin Sgt. Octopus, they will walk out with the title. (a gentleman's agreement between Cesar Romero and Profesor Infierno guaranteed that if Tokyo Torres scored a pinfall, he would receive a title shot)
As a result of these legal shenanigans we don't have a lot of time for a lengthy write up; instead, we invite you to just watch the action unfold as it did before our eyes.
1) Dr. Matsumoto (Mick "Truck" Drivor) & JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) & Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno)
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @10:09
2) OUI disappeared this week and didn't take part in any challenges or trash talking. As a result, they found their men Danny Divine & the Phantom Dandy up against two unsigned grapplers, Harlan Murphy and Chesterfield Suppleknuckle.
Winners: Suppleknuckle & Murphy via submission @9:59
3) The main event of the morning was the aforementioned match pitting World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and his teammate Tokyo Torres (Infierno) against the Thrillionaire (Welz) and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) ...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @12:44
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
Congratulations to the winning team - unfortunately, The Thrillionaire was so caught up in the excitement, he pinned the wrong man! As a result, the title does not change hands. After the match, as the winners exited the ringside area, two fans who had bought ringside seats splashed their jumbo sized beverages on The Thrillionaire - it was Kurt Neubuling and B.T. Oswald! They offered a string of obscenities to the would-be-champ.
Then, who should appear but Cheryl Halstedder and the OUI stable! Her team attacked the World's Champion and administered a beatdown... the reason? REVENGE! You see, after Sgt. Octopus' victory over Pierre St. Cloud, Cesar Romero was granted one night with Cheryl. She awoke the next day, hungover and noticably missing her most prized possession. That's right - - Romero & Co. had shaved the glorious 1970s-ish pubic thatch for which Cheryl had become famous! As a result, she was humiliated and refused to show her face (or any other part of her) in public. But today, revenge was hers! Bloody revenge in the form of an asswhupping! What will Mr. Romero say about that?
The points are pretty goddamn close and next week is the final show before SLAMARAMA! Who will be the highest scoring wrestler? Who will secure the opportunity to main event the biggest show of the season? Managers, check your scores and make your challenges...
Ghastly. Just Ghastly! More ghastly then when I caught a glimpse of Janis Paige getting undressed dueing 'We Think the World is Round' in 1984! And OUI, you must think the world IS round after the foolish stunt you pulled! Oh, Sgt. O has taken worse beatings than what your lust factory dished out! I'm having my personal assistant and chef, Frankie, putting my darling Sgt. through a series of tortue tests to assure that he is extra vicious next week. My apologies to Mr. Millionaire. I know you want your savior to try and resurrect himself as champion, but please understand, I must deal with OUI. With that said, I know it is customary for the champion to be challenged, but I am going to change the status quo ... Jim, Cheryl, choose anyone from your roster of sin to face Sgt. O. He has a special kind of pain in store for whomever you choose to face him! Miss Cheryl, tisk, tisk ... Your jade garden needed trimming. You should have accepted tit for tat (pun intended)! Next week Jim won't just be frowning because your nether regions will look too young to invade ... he will be witnessing the destruction and end to your outdated product!
ReplyDeleteAs there is no clear-cut #1 contender to Sgt. Octopus' World's Heavyweight Championship, there is no reason he cannot issue a challenge himself.
ReplyDeleteThough we dislike the notion of an open challenge, it IS the final show of the season and there's quite a bit of bad blood between Cesar Romero and OUI. Sometimes, it isn't about #1 contendership; it's about blood, sweat, tears and most of all - heart.
Halstedders? Which member of your stable will it be?
I just notified a most angry Sgt. O. I could only make out a shadow as he was begging Frankie for more pain. Then I heard him giggling with each crack of the boned whip against his flesh. Much like the way I heard Sandra Dee giggle when we gave sadomasicism during 'If a Man Answers' in 1962! I heard him utter, "Oui .. T-L-C .." So Cheryl and Jim, prepare one of your children of lust for a TLC match with the best in the business!
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame Danny Divine was injured this week. What a shame there's not a doctor in the house who could clear him to wrestle next Monday. After all, its the final week of the season and it would be splendid if OUI could utilize any member of their stable to challenge Sgt. Octopus in the TLC match.
ReplyDeleteOh wait! I'M A DOCTOR!
In light of my previous statement, and the simply heavenly blowjob Cheryl gave me in the broom closet a few minutes ago, I'm signing a waiver stating the fact that should Danny Divine choose to wrestle, he is medically able to do so!
It's the last week of the season, after all. And Mr. Romero gave me a handjob in the men's bathroom last week. And the poor chap asked so nicely...
Now, who needs a prescription for medical marijuana?
Who are we to argue with a doctor? It looks like OUI has maneuvered themselves into an excellent position (no pun intended) and secured a shot at the World's Championship next week by being challenged!
ReplyDeleteBut which member of their stable will vie for the gold?
Furthermore, WHO will challenge the champion at Slamarama? Here are the current contenders and their point totals:
1) Maximus Von Zeus - 25 points
2) Phantom Dandy - 24 points
3) Duke Alexander Stallion - 23 points
4) Danny Divine - 23 points
5) JC Superstar - 23 points
6) Thrillionaire - 21 points
7) Dr. Matsumoto - 20 points
8) Tokyo Torres - 18 points
9) Conrad Wolfsbane - 12 points
10) Lassiter Arcade - 12 points
Who the hell is that Doctor!?! He's a fraud! I've never heard of him in my life. I don't care if he got sexual favors from people, that doesn't give some imaginary DR the right to waive the FUCR rulebook! DIVINE IS OUT!!
ReplyDeleteBesides, this just might be the opportunity I need to take over this BITCH!! And with that said, JC Superstar wants to challenge MINIMUS VON PIECEOFSHIT!!! I've kicked his ass before, I'm gonna do it again!! Make it a submission only match!
That man is one of the most respected doctors in the field of professional fantasy doctoring and he's been in our employ since Day One. While we don't always agree with his unorthodox tactics or his diagnoses, he works cheap and he keeps the feds off our ass.
ReplyDeleteWe were introduced to your love of the legal system and your adherance to the rulebook last week, Mr. Welz. As such, we will remind you of the final rule in the FUCR rulebook:
"As with real professional wrestling, various situations will call for these rules to be stretched, bent, broken and possibly even ignored altogether. In such events, the FUCR Board of Directors will have final say on the interpretation of the rules "
Thank you and best of luck this season.
**** Here's what next week looks like so far ****
1) JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) - SUBMISSION ONLY MATCH - there will be a 15 minute time limit on this match. If neither man wins in 15 minutes, each will be awarded 1 point with no victor declared.
2) WORLD'S CHAMPION Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. An As-Yet-Unnamed Member of OUI's Stable
WHO'S NEXT?
The rulebook is yours to do with as you please, FUCR Board of Directors - but the World's Heavyweight Championship is still under our jurisdiction.
ReplyDeleteWe dispute Dr. Basil's diagnosis, but our hands are tied. We would like to remind the FUCR fans and managers that Danny Divine is cleared to wrestle in the World's title match and ONLY in the World's title match. Should OUI choose to put Pierre St. Cloud or the Phantom Dandy in said match, Divine will return to the bench.
Also note: If OUI does not leave a comment and/or challenge by 11pm EST tonight, they will be removed from next week's main event and a suitable opponent for Sgt. Octopus will be found.
WOW!! How the hell is somebody supposed to make a push for MANAGER OF THE YEAR when it's in the last 2 weeks when all of the rules that were adhered to every week prior are now being washed away... or forgotten, I can't tell.
ReplyDelete1. Danny DUHvine ranDUMBly gets to wrestle this week when he clearly has to sit. What a doctor says has nothing to do with the FUCR rulebook. NOBODY can wrestle the week after a submission... PERIOD!
2. The Submission only match now has a time limit where each combatant gets 1 meesly point in a draw!?! How the hell is anybody supposed to catch him in the standings then? Looks to me like Inferno is greesing more palms than a Tommy huang GloryHole. And seriously, who gets a major wrestling superstar to submit in 15 minutes? NOBODY!! One has to wear down a body in order to cinch a submission hold for the victory and who can do that in 15 minutes. The ONLY reason I challenged Zeus was to try to catch him, this makes it very much improbably.
3. Well, fine then. If OUI doesn't challenge by 11pm tonight, The Thrillionaire should then get his shot he earned after winning last weeks 4-way tag match. THE FANS HAVE SPOKEN!! I just listen... UNLIKE FUCR!!
FUCR, why must you sully this AMAZING season of fantasy rasslin by throwing out the rulebook just in time for some manager to make a huge push. Instead of The World's Best Fantasy Wrestling... FUCR looks more like the NBA (we'll change rules whenever we feel like it to keep down whoever we feel like) now. FOR SHAME!! Seriously, WOW!
1. "As with real professional wrestling, various situations will call for these rules to be stretched, bent, broken and possibly even ignored altogether. In such events, the FUCR Board of Directors will have final say on the interpretation of the rules "
ReplyDeleteIn other words - it's the final week and Cesar Romero is feuding with OUI. Enjoy the ride. ONE POINT and the inclusion of Danny Divine isn't going to alter the game that much.
2. Because the last time we had a submission match, it went for ONE ENTIRE HOUR and no winner was decided. Each wrestler got one point in that situation and we're going to do the same thing this time around. If you have any more questions, please see the rulebook. Specifically -
"As with real professional wrestling, various situations will call for these rules to be stretched, bent, broken and possibly even ignored altogether. In such events, the FUCR Board of Directors will have final say on the interpretation of the rules "
3. Last week's tag match was not for a shot at the title. The Thrillionaire earned nothing. As a matter of fact, the title wasn't originally on the line until we altered the rules and the match IN YOUR FAVOR. Or to quote the rulebook...
"As with real professional wrestling, various situations will call for these rules to be stretched, bent, broken and possibly even ignored altogether. In such events, the FUCR Board of Directors will have final say on the interpretation of the rules "
We will, however, keep your challenge in mind if we have to book the main event ourselves, as the Thrillionaire has proven himself to be one of the top contenders in the sport.
4. THE THRILLIONAIRE NEVER BEAT ANYONE FOR THE TITLE. Shall we take away the victory point he earned and strike his name from the record books because we didn't follow the rulebook to the very letter?
Or should we look at the final chapter of the rules, which clearly state that "As with real professional wrestling, various situations will call for these rules to be stretched, bent, broken and possibly even ignored altogether. In such events, the FUCR Board of Directors will have final say on the interpretation of the rules"?
Thank you for your time and good luck next week!
I'm afraid I have to agree with my aquatic friend, who is no stranger to "large bills", AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! A fifteen minute limit for what has become perhaps the ONLY legitimate and praiseworthy rivalry this season? Preposterous!!! Where is that fool Neubuling when you need him?
ReplyDeleteThis being the case, I understand that FUCR still records its events on reel-to-reel, and that much film actually cuts quite deeply into FUCR's meager budget! Considering this, I would suggest that I loan FUCR the funds to purchase more Super8 film, or I ask that the Mallardonaire withdraw his request for a submission match, so we can truly see who is the supreme being- although we actually already saw this earlier in the season and it was clearly Maximus von Zeus, so this is really just the Millionaire grasping at straws. Straws that cannot be woven into gold, as the Millionaire clearly is no Rumpelstiltskin!
In conclusion, I believe that the match should be altered, either to withdraw the time limit, change the submission clause, or perhaps make it something more feasible to fit within FUCR's precious constraints, say, First Blood?
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
On to other matters.
Tokyo Torres, in a manner befitting his hard-hitting machismo, will be challenging Conrad Wolfsbane. My apologies Mr. Romero, I do this with all due respect, yet with the strategic vision of General Patton, and the tactical ruthlessness of Hernando Cortez!
As is my pleasure...
I do try to keep my ramblings PC, so please excuse my French when I say "F U, FUCR!"
ReplyDeleteHeh. You like that? That's humor, Neubuling-style.
Allowing a crackpot doctor to waive the injury rule in order to allow Danny Divine a shot at the World's Title in the final week of competition? Makes sense. As long as FUCR or the VGWA isn't held responsible in the event Divine is injured, it strikes me as a way to make money and isn't it all about putting asses in seats? Danny Divine has spent the entire season getting his ass kicked. I want to see him get it kicked again.
But putting a time limit on a match between two of the biggest superstars in the league? At the end of the season?!?!
FUCR, if you're going to waive any rules this week, let this rule be the one you waive! Or at the very least, make it a Last Man Standing Match or something!
We will take all these thoughts into careful consideration. Until then, here's next week's card (for now):
ReplyDelete1) Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) vs. JC Superstar (Welz)
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Tokyo Torres (Infiero)
3) Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. ___________________ (OUI)
Seriously, Nubes AND Inferno agree about the time limit. Hell, everybody is on the same page here except for FUCR.
ReplyDeleteIf you must remove said Submission Only, then do so. But the two best heavyweights should NEVER be put into a 15 minute time limit match, EVER! What if rope break was turned off? I'm just lookin for a slight opportunity for my rasslers to catch the top rassler and 1 point draws don't cut the cake. If I lose, I'll happily take my ZERO points cuz that's what I earned. But if I win...
What about a 1-hour Ironman Match. Tally up the pins and submission after one hour... although that sounds way better as a PPV match.
Blah blah "time limits" blah blah "not fair" blah blah Horse SHIT! Pennynaire if your boy can't get it done in time he don't deserve shit! It's like bein on the road, If I gots to make it to Saint Louie by Tuesday i do what i gots to do. T.C.B. Which is what Lassiter Arcade is gonna do this week against Puke Scallion. Let it Roll!
ReplyDeleteThe Board of Directors has convened and come to a decision regarding next week's show and the variety of stipulations in question.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the Superstar/Von Zeus match: with one week left in the season and the point totals so close, we realize that yes, a clear winner MUST be determined. There's simply too much on the line. Therefore, the time limit will be waived and there will be a winner!
As for the World's Title match: Out of respect for the esteemed Cesar Romero and the ongoing feud between his camp and OUT, we allowed certain liberties to be taken. Since OUI are AWOL once again, those liberties will be rescinded. Danny Divine remains on the injured list.
However, Cesar Romero's challenge to OUI will be upheld and Pierre St. Cloud will take on the champ in a non-title match.
Regarding Mick "Truck" Drivor's challenge to Duke Alexander Stallion - Cesar Romero already has two matches booked, therefore Duke Alexander Stallion will not lock horns with Lassiter Arcade. To quote Avril Lavigne, "why you gotta make things so complicated?"
Since we know Drivor won't get back on to issue a replacement challenge and OUI just pissed away their shot at greatness, here's the final card for next week:
1) JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) - Last Man Standing Match! In order to win, you must beat your opponent until they can not answer the 10-count
2) Sgt. Octopus (Romero) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - TLC Match! (non-title)
3) Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) vs. Tokyo Torres (Infierno)
4) Lassiter Arcade, Dr. Matsumoto & The Thrilionaire vs. the Phantom Dandy - Handicap Match!
... and we may just have a surprise or two in store for you as well! Stay tuned.
Well, looks like FUCR got their heads out of their asses.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I feel about the Octopus/St. Cloud match. On one hand, fuck OUI. After being the dark horse candidate of the season and winning both of the two major events (Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale), they no-show the last two weeks? Fuck them.
On the other hand, final Monday Morning Mayhem. Seems appropo to have a World's Title match, no? Especially considering Romero specifically requested it.
The third alternative: fuck OUI. Did they earn that shot?
Then again, yes they did, through their victory at Free-For-View events. And sometimes, as FUCR said, its about more than "earning" a shot through points.
But... what have you done for me lately?
Fuck OUI.
* with 23 and 25 points respectively, JC Superstar and Maximus Von Zeus will be competing not just for pride, honor and glory but for a spot in the Main Event at SLAMARAMA, to be held on June 25, 2012 - the 5 year anniversary of the World's Championship and the dawn of professional fantasy wrestling!
ReplyDeleteNow was that so hard, FUCR? All of this seems like the makings for a fun and exciting final Monday Mayham Sammich.
ReplyDeleteMan, Nubes... You are really coming around!! Agreeing with me last week, repeatedly saying FUCK OUI... You really DO have a head on your shoulders!!
Seriously, this JC/Zeus matchup has really been the battle of the season! I know some of the other rasslers are in the 23-25 point range, but for these two to be in the thick of it all makes for some exciting fantasy rasslin. Thank You, FUCR!
Yawn.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you complain some more about the poor treatment you've been receiving? That's so much more interesting than all this ass kissing.
Better yet, why not complain about the poor treatment the Phantom Dandy has been recieving? A three-on-one match? That's basically GIVING you points, isn't it? Hmm. Will you be quoting the rulebook today? Or gloating in the victory that was handed to you, not unlike the championship belt that was handed to you earlier in the season?
Nice work, FUCRs.
Karl Neubuling. Telling it like it is once again.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I do, folks. Free of charge.
Consarnit, Neubuling... lay off, man! Listening to you bitch all season has been worse than providing the voice of Santa Claus in 2005's "The Happy Elf", which went straight to DVD.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell ya what - howsabout you and me lacin' boots and squarin' off in a cage match!?!? At SLAMARAMA!?!?!
Eh? I'll ride you like I rode Judy Garland in Thoroughbreds Don't Lie (1937).
HAHAHAHAHA! My granddaughter showed me how to use IMDB, Romero! Eat it!
ROONEY'S RULES, MOTHERFUCKAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHS!!!
Giving me points would involve getting points without a match. Phantom Dandy is a bad man and I'm not taking him lightly. Hopefully my teammates aren't as well. So NO, these are NOT free points.
ReplyDeleteRooney, if I intended to renew my professional fantasy wrestling license, I wouldn't waste my time doing it for the likes of you. Give me a real opponent; not a withered old man. Maybe then I'd consider it.
ReplyDeleteWelz, you know damn well what I'm talking about.
Who is this welz you keep referring to, Nubes? Is it another one of Inferno's aliases?
ReplyDeleteGIRLS! GIRLS!
ReplyDeleteYou're all beautiful, in ways that the black eye of makeup and in-fighting can never diminish. Let us now focus on the upcoming battles which have been laid before us...
Two men - nay, GODS among men will descend from the heavens to do battle once again as JC Superstar and Maximus Von Zeus strive to earn the right to headline the most glorious event of the season - SLAMARAMA!
One of the jewels of Hollywood's Golden Age and a pop culture icon has not only taken a former Marine Corps drill sergeant to the highest heights one can attain in professional wrestling, he has also done battle with an organization comprised of the sexiest folks fantasy wrestling has to offer. Next week, it all comes to a head as Sgt. Octopus battles Pierre St. Cloud.
A man as filthy as the streets he drives to earn his living has returned and brought respectability to a stable like the legendary phoenix rising from the ashes of defeat.
And then there's our fans, who entrench themselves in the battlefields of FUCR like no other sport. Love them or hate them, they are the backbone of what we do.
We're looking forward to next week and then - SLAMARAMA. With the points so incredibly close, this season is anybody's game and we suspect the Manager of the Year (and even Wrestler of the Year) will not be decided until that day, June 25, 2012 - the 5 year anniversary of the crowning of the first ever World's Heavyweight Champion, the late Monte Altazzar (may he rest in peace)
This is clearly a case of Kurt Neubuling being a limp wristed pansy. Hey Neubey! Maybe you oughtta wrestle Cesar Romero! Haw haw! I bet he'd like that.
ReplyDeleteI have backbones.
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet they're delicious! My, my... is it easter yet? Come here and take the carrot under this cardboard box propped up by a stick...
ReplyDeleteAll of this talk is making me dizzier than Shirley Temples mint juleps! Yes, she was 'too young' to drink, but she made a SUPERB mint julep. During 'The Little Princess' in 1939, she played cupid between Anita Louise and myself. Shirl's insight was far beyond her years. A couple of her drinks and 'Nita and I were higher than Don Ameche during 'Happy Landing' in 1938! What memories ...
ReplyDeleteMr. Rooney, I don't know what this 'IMDB' you speak of is, but my stories are my memories. I believe you to be nipping the bottle a bit. Perhaps even taking that same halucinitory liquid you were taking during 'The Twinkle in God's Eye' in 1955! Coleen Gray told me all about it.That box propped up by a stick, I know it's your home, but you need not live that way. I am extending an olive branch to you, my dear nemesis! Come, let me help you!
Mr. Infierno, it will be most pleasurable having Mr. Wolfsbane tangle with Mr. Torres. Your respect is appreciated. However, you will be tasting something less palatable than Frankie's brunch - defeat.
Oui shall dedicate our victory next week over Sgt. Hentai to the late great Monte Altazzar! And Cesar, I gotta say thanks, old boy. The new smoother, creamier Cheryll is a pleasant change of pace. I save 15 minutes alone of post coital gargling time. Those pesky scratchers can really stick themselves to the back of a man's tongue.
ReplyDeleteMonte Altazzar is to fantasy rasslin as George Bush Jr. is to American History... both worlds would be better without!
ReplyDeleteDo you mean George W. Bush? Is that another one of Infierno's aliases?
ReplyDelete