We're back for another amazing week of in-ring action. The comment boards have been lit up like the 4th of July since Profesor Infierno made his return last week to take over Tommy "Child Predator" Huang's stable when child labor officials ruled that he could no longer manage.
In addition, the Phantom Dandy fell short in his bid to win the World's Heavyweight Championship and due to a stipulation conceived by his own managerial team (Opulence Unlimited International), he will don the sexy pleather tights made famous by one "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn in the late 1990s. As a matter of fact, the Phantom Dandy is in action today, teamed with Cesar Romero's Duke Alexander Stallion! Let's get to the action...
Perhaps it was the continued lack of managerial influence on the part of Arcade & Negotiator or perhaps it was a spark that was lit in the heart of the Dandy after his humiliation last week, but the Phantom Dandy and Duke Alexander Stallion defeated Lassiter Arcade & the Negotiator via pinfall @ 8:23
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Phantom Dandy
2) Our next matchup saw Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) challenge Warlock Star (Millionaire) ... the two men were evenly matched with the action seesawing and even spilling outside for a spell.
It was Wolfsbane who took home the "W" in the win/loss column though.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @6:23
3) Next up was Danny Divine (OUI) and Tokyo Torres (Profesor Infierno) in a back-and-forth matchup that went over seven minutes! The quickness of Torres was a perfect match for the handsomeness of Divine but when the referee's back was turned, Duke Alexander Stallion rushed to the ring and put a chloroform-soaked rag over the mouth of Torres! It was an easy victory for Danny Divine at that point and Profesor Infierno suffered a humiliating defeat.
3pts = Danny Divine via pinfall @7:38
4) We at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' don't like to admit defeat. We hate to say we've been proven wrong, but on occasion it does happen. The main event was one of those occasions. We though that JC Superstar (Millionaire) and Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) would have match for the ages. Both men have proven themselves to be competent grapplers but on this day it was JC Superstar who dominated the match, giving Spectacular little room to breathe, let alone get an offensive move in. Again, Profesor Infierno was dealt a humiliating blow.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @4:25.
*** After the match, the lights went out. The long and lonesome sound of a horn warning of danger or imminent impact could be heard echoing through the arena and the distinct tones of a Detroit-born deisel-powered engine rattled everyone's seats. When the lights came on, JC Superstar was in the center of the ring, a pool of blood emerging from underneath his glowing halo. Standing above him was Dr. Matsumoto, the Negotiator and Lassiter Arcade! And with them... returning fantasy wrestling superstar Mick "Truck" Drivor!!!
"As it turns out," Drivor began, "The Brown Hornet's managerial license expired last week!"
The crowd showed their disapproval of the little seen manager, littering the ring with dixie cups and rotten fruit.
"And as it turns out," Drivor continued, "my very own managerial license was recently approved by the VGWA Board of Directors! And it just so happens that this here team of asskickers was in need of a manager! And is just so happens that y'all are invited to eat the shit out of my asshole if you don't like it!"
Then, putting a steel-toed boot directly on JC Superstar's neck, Mick "Truck" Drivor revealed his true mission.
"Y'see, under the FUCR rules - clearly stated in the rulebook - a World's Champion is obligated to give the former champion a rematch for the belt... and since The Thrillionaire never did win that title he holds around his waist, the good Doctor and I aim to cash in on that rematch clause!"
And with that, the credits rolled and the show ended with the stakes raised to unimaginable heights and the face of FUCR forever changed. ***
And we've already got a challenge issued for next week! We'll see the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire (managed by "Millionaire" Matt Welz) defend his title against the former champ, Dr. Matsumoto - now managed by Mick "Truck" Drivor! Rematch rules apply and the match will be worth an additional point. The critics will be silenced or given more ammunition - but we won't know until next Monday!
ReplyDeleteWhat say the rest of you? Have you any mettle you wish to test?
Matsumoto ... Thrillionaire ... MICK "TRUCK" DRIVOR!?!?!
ReplyDeleteMy heart pills... where are my heart ... pills.... ?
Well, well, well ... How did the chloroform taste, Mr. Torres? I learned that trick from Marlene Dietrich during the fiming of 'The Devil is a Woman' in 1935! Of course, we used it for foreplay. It was unfortunate I couldn't find Mr. Von Zeus! I wanted him to have a taste most of all!
ReplyDeleteMr. Drivor, a welcome back is in order, I suppose. My dear Mr. Stallion would like to welcome you back with a challenge ... Put that Negotiator in the ring and see if he can negotiate his way out of a beating! My guess is he won't be able to. By the way, Barbara Stanwyck and I once hitched a ride from a Mr. Drivor up route 1.He had a flair for the devious. At the first site of his used KY tube, we beat him senseless, left him on the shore, and drove his rig to a speak easy where we sold it to Ronald Coleman for a fair price. He began to run moonshine across the border to Arizona for extra cash since his career was failing. He sold that story to a young Hal Needham. What we got in 1977 was 'Smokey and the Bandit.' I'm guessing that was your kin that we stole the rig from. Don't expect any royalties! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well well well, My dear Professor...watch out for those who lurk in the bush! We shall butter our roll this week with a challenge match featuring The Phantom Dandy VS The Negotiator! I hope you are quick at shifting gears Mr. Drivor, because we just put you in reverse! Oui have spoken...
ReplyDeleteWell, well, well...
ReplyDeleteI salute the gladiatorial combatants who bested my men, bravo! However, let's get to the point shall we? I believe that it's been a long time comin', as it were, but perhaps next week we shall have another test of divinity, when we see Maximus von Zeus and JC Superstar rage across the heavens in a burning tumult of extra-earthly devastation!!!
P.S. "lurk in the bush", ahahahahahaha!!! That is a good one, my hirsute friends! Until next week!
The Negotiator must be a popular guy, because TWO managers challenged him this week! Unfortunately, he is only able to compete once, so it shall be Cesar Romero's challenge, which was issued nearly 3 hours earlier, that will be accepted.
ReplyDeleteHere's how next week is shaping up...
1) WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION The Thrillionaire (Welz) vs. Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) - the rematch of the match that never took place in the first place!
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) vs. The Negotiator (Drivor)
3) Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) vs. JC Superstar (Welz) in one of the most anticipated matches this season! Who is the true god? We'll find out next week!
... and now we await OUI's official challenge to determine the official card for next week.
Was prepared to issue statement regarding OUI's illiteracy when I realized it was pointless: they are no more or less inept than any of the managers on this board. Well done, retards. Welcome back to the cage full of monkeys slinging feces. You'll be right at home here.
ReplyDeleteDespite this, congratulations must go out to Cesar Romero. You managed to only put forth a single challenge and not make a fool of yourself. Whether or not you soiled your adult diaper... well, that depends.
That's right, "Nubey", as you chromosomally-challenged competitors want to call me, makes jokes as well. But I make them at your expense and unlike your jokes, mine are funny. Funny because, as the phrase goes, they are true.
Mickey Rooney, it is with no lack of sincerity that I hope that your caregiver did indeed misplace your heart medication. Perhaps we will be spared your inspid remarks going forward.
Mr. Drivor, I do not know you. Scanning the World title history, I do not see your name, so clearly you are no one of import.
Mr. Duck, I wish you luck. Not really; I don't give a fuck.
Have I left anyone out? I don't wish to be rude. Oh yes, the unparalleled Profesor Infierno. How do you say... AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Well done! Let us hope that this truck driving fellow has as auspicious of a debut as you did. I'm sure Mr. Huang is quite pleased to know you'll be handling his affairs in the same clumsy manner in which you have introduced him to homosexuality.
Failure.
So sorry! When we see a post by Cesar, we just tend to skip over it. You could sail a ship with the breath of that long winded motherfucker! Instead we shall challenge Mr. Romero's Sgt. Octopussy. Maybe, in cutting a promo, he'll talk himself to death, and we will win by forfeit...
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure FUCR is NOW currently the best fed in this goddamn world. I'm super excited for both matches that my rasslers are in this week. The only odd part is both said matches are of PPV caliber. How does one blow their load on a free Monday Morning Mayham when it should be saved for a free PPV? Come On, FUCR, we all know the money's in the free PPVs!! But whatever, it's your fed to once again run into the ground (or worse) just for me to donate $$$ back into it's existence.
ReplyDeleteTruck Drivor, welcome back. I'm excited to have a new manager my stable can get points off of. Dr Gotsnomojo has more ring rust than KANE II. Besides, The Thrillionaire has more panache in one pubic hair than Gotsnomojo has in his entire stupid body. You may be bigger and stronger, but you need moxie to bring all the preparation together to form one Championship Machine!
Inferno, JCS is going to literally KILL Zeus in the ring and much like Lazarus, bring him back from the dead just because he likes "competition". Cuz there can only be enough room for 1 head of a religious sect in this fed... and his name is JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!! not whimpy whimp Peus.
Anywhoo, OUI... I couldn't agree more about Ceasar. My intern just scans them until he mentions something about rasslin.
I LOVE how this season is just starting to fire up!!
Thank you, OUI. We understand the oversight and appreciate your quick response.
ReplyDeleteMr. Welz, you pose an interesting question. Why do we give away Free-For-View quality matches on our weekly show when we could charge nothing for them and increase our profit margin?
Firstly, it is clearly stated in the rules that a former champion has the right to attempt to regain the title, as long as it is done during the reign of the man who defeated him. These rules are created and enforced by the Video Game Wrestling Alliance, the oldest and largest governing body in professional fantasy wrestling. The belt is in their jurisdiction - they are gracious enough to allow us to promote shows with their champion and as such, we are subject to their rules.
Secondly, we believe in giving the fans what they want. A lot of fans paid nothing for the Title Wave Free-For-View, expecting a World's Title match. They didn't get that match and believe it or not, a sizable portion of them demanded a refund! Admittedly, they have a point. They paid nothing for that match and when it didn't take place... well, wouldn't you be upset if you were in their shoes?
Thirdly, we believe in the spirit of competition. A great man once said "to be the man, you have to beat the man". There's a lot of fans who believe Dr. Matsumoto doesn't deserve and never did deserve to hold that belt; but there are just as many who feel the same way about the Thrillionaire. The World's Championship is the most prestigious belt currently defended in professional fantasy wrestling - we don't want to tarnish its good name, so it is in the best intrests of FUCR, the VGWA and the World's Championship itself to defend that title against all top contenders, lest there be any controversy over the validity of the champion.
We hope this answers your question and we look forward to next week's card!
1) WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION The Thrillionaire (Welz) vs. Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) - the rematch of the match that never took place in the first place!
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) vs. The Negotiator (Drivor)
3) Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) vs. JC Superstar (Welz) in one of the most anticipated matches this season! Who is the true god? We'll find out next week!
4) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Sgt. Octopus (Romero)
The 5th and final match of the card will be determined by our board of directors and will feature the stables of OUI and Profesor Infierno. Suggestions from either manager, as well as fans, are welcome.
Rising from dust of a stable in disarray and riding onto the scene to point the way. Like a GPS from hell showing the path of destruction through FUCR, the Truck is rolling! Dollar-menunairre you are going to be the first to get run down. I don't give a shit what day of the week it is I got a log book to fill with championship gold,whenever wherever. Ceasar Salad romeo you jumped in the way like the c-list actor who gets killed in the first reel that you are. just like anyone else that gets in my way as I "Roll On Down The Highway."
ReplyDeleteY'all are a bunch of gol-durn longwinded turkeys! Turkeys, I says! If you spent half as much effort rasslin as you do jawin', you'd ALL be world champeens by now!
ReplyDeleteAfter careful consideration, we have booked the final match for next week's card. We've attempted to keep things as fresh as possible and book a matchup we do not believe has taken place yet.
ReplyDelete1) WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION The Thrillionaire (Welz) vs. Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) - the rematch of the match that never took place in the first place!
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) vs. The Negotiator (Drivor)
3) Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) vs. JC Superstar (Welz) in one of the most anticipated matches this season! Who is the true god? We'll find out next week!
4) Phantom Dandy (OUI) vs. Sgt. Octopus (Romero)
5) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) vs. Pierre St. Cloud (OUI)
Oui, Oui, Oui ... You want to tempt fate again! Classy as you may be, it won't help you against my refocused Octopus!
ReplyDeleteAnd Mr. Drivor, I will never admit to being anything below B list! It doesn't appear that I am being killed off like I was in 'The Shadow Laughs' in 1933! I am a giant in the game! If not for the Millionaire - and I believe he is paying off referee's and manager's in some cases - I would be right at the top! Much like I was in 'Cheating Cheaters' in 1934.
Rooney, no they wouldn't. cuz they'd have to beat the most electrifying man in fantasy sports entertainment!!
ReplyDeleteDennis Rodman?
ReplyDeleteDennis Rodman is going to be wrestling? It's just like early 2000's WCW!
ReplyDelete