With Deadly Genesis II in the rear view mirror, we cast our gaze forward to the first FUCR Friday event - and what an event! Newly crowned World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare puts his belt on the line against the former champ and last season's Wrestler of the Year, J.C. Superstar. Let's get right to the action...
1) Kicking it all off was a fierce battle between Manitou McIntosh (Poppin Corn) and Hannibal Murdoch (Rush Limbaugh) . It was about as even of a match as either manager could hope for and 100% action from bell to bell. At 5:28, the man who shares his name with not one, but TWO members of the A-Team scored a pinfall.
Hannibal Murdoch = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:28
2) Next up, Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor) and Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers) squared off in another epic battle. It was a rematch of sorts, as these two men were the final competitors in a 6-man over the top rope battle royal which took place last week - a battle royal that Lobo Uno, the lone wolf who walks alone, howling at the moon in the dead of night, won. No quarter asked, none given - this was a war of attrition. But there can be only one and tonight, that one was Lee Harvey Awesome via pinfall. If ever there was a match that deserved rematch, it was this one!
Lee Harvey Awesome = 3pts. via pinfall @ 7:24
3) Officially, Cobra Jaguar (Simon Pimpleton) challenged The Chadillac (Millionaire) to a match... unofficially, their teammates Battle Cat and "Kingbee" Willy Malone joined in the fracas to make this a Texas Tornado tag team battle. And the end result...
Chadillac = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 6:11
4) Only one man can lay claim to a pinfall victory over Dr. Matsumoto. That man is former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Mick "Truck" Drivor) ... It is this fact which makes Diesel Injun's(Poppin Corn) victory over the former Marine Corps drill sergeant that much more impressive. Diesel dominated the match due to a heaping helping of interference from Michael Three-Cheeses, who was eventually ejected from the ringside area.
Diesel Injun = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:36
5) Did we say only one man has pinned Dr. Matsumoto? Oh... well... I guess having a guy like The Persuader as your teammate can work in your favor. But make no mistake; while the coaching skills and alleged brass knucks of the Persuader may have helped, the Architect of Pain won this one through skill, determination and a seriously piss-poor attitude.
Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain = 3pts. via pinfall @ 3:16
6) Which brings us to our main event. We've captured the second half of the match and posted it for your viewing pleasure. It was quite a doozy and it was for all the money, marbles and chalk. Last week, Tiger Nightmare, the leader of the Grapplecats, took home the title in a Beyond Thunderdome: War Games Elimination Match. But can he hold on to his crown against the stepson of a carpenter? The man who previously held the belt: J.C. Superstar?
Tiger Nightmare = 3pts. via pinfall @ 5:38 + 1 rematch point.
* And that's the show, folks! We'll be back in just seven short days on February 15, 2013 for another awesome show. Please get your challenges in before Friday night is over and please talk as much shit as you can on the message boards! * And don't forget - if a loser challenges a winner to a rematch, there's an extra point on the line! *
So my beloved Matsumoto was defeated with the help of a foreign object ... Well, Mr. Persuader, I don't know if it is possible for the FUCR board to put this together, but I believe the good Dr. Matsumoto should square off against your 'architect of pain.' Let me tell you, Pilot was an architect of pain. You can't conceive of pain on that level. However, Matsumoto would like YOU, Mr. Persuader, to join your architect as a tag team partner so you can feel real pain! Oh, yes ... Matsumoto will bring a partner too - Orville Knorvil! Well, I heard there was a sacred chord, that David played and it pleased The Lord ... And that chord will be a crown of fiery thorns upon your ass, Persuader!
ReplyDeleteAnd supposedly Lobo UNO is worthy of a rematch against Lee Harvey Awesome?!
Well, Mr. Uno, if you want to issue that rematch L.H.A would love to accommodate you. He may have needed 3 bullets to beat you last time, but he will only need 1 this time! I'm being metaphorical and I'm aware it doesn't quite make sense, but then again neither do most of the parables in my favorite book.
ReplyDeleteThe FUCR rulebook clearly states that only managers who drafted pre-made stables can issue tag matches using two members of their stable at the same time. But we do like to accommodate the wishes of our players, so we'll compromise.
ReplyDeleteWe will accept Matsumoto's rematch challenge against Franklin Lloyd Right... and if Rush Limbaugh chooses to make it a tag match by challenging a member of Mr. Christ's stable, so be it.
Simon is still grounded from the internet until we can block those sites he was looking at, but we told him we'd call in his challenge for his wrasslin league...he wanted a snack so we told simon that Tiger Nightmare and Cobra Jaguar can snack on Manitou Macintosh and Michael Three Cheeses this week, in some hot tag action...and Poppin' Corn...Simon jusyt might take a bite of you!
ReplyDeletesssshhhh! I'm back! Yeah...what mom and dad said...Dig It! Welcome to the jungle....I like elephants. Juice please....please...Simon wants juice...Juice. Have some...I have some....please?....
ReplyDelete2/15 thus far...
ReplyDelete1) Dr. Matsumoto vs. Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain
2) Grapplecats vs. Dog Soldiers
Just what I expected, Pussy Daydream using his partner to CHEAT to win that championship belt. I knew you couldn't do it alone, Pussy!
ReplyDeleteActually, how many matches can one rassler come down to the ring for in one night? There were grappelcats all over the place for BOTH of their matches. They're CHEATING all over the place!!
Poppin' Corn, Why don't you try to bride one of your losers to step into the ring against KINGBEE WILLY MALONE!! This guy is gonna DESTROY you!!
Ah yes! Clearly, what we see here my fine friends, is a triumph of the will! A showcase of can do attitude and bootstrap pulluppery! The sky is the limit when we work together, as a community, a proud God-fearing community. What we see today, in the mighty visages of Franklin Lloyd Right and Hannibal Murdoch, not to mention the Persuader, is that no goal is too distant if you have the right people. And I, Rush Limbaugh, self appointed hero of the FUCR, am showing that with the right brains, and just a bit of money, you can put together a championship caliber team made up of an upstanding successful American like Murdoch, an educated black man such as Franklin, and a born again reformed homosexual, like the Persuader. The sky is the limit my fellow Americans. The sky is the limit.
ReplyDeleteOh excuse me, I digress. "Jesus", within my red blooded American heart only the words of our true Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, are held. In addition, being an incredibly rich man, one who makes "The Millionaire" look like a one-ionnaire by comparison, I've found it always to my best interest never to cluster my investments into a single fuck. And you, my friend, are one clustered fuck. So no, you can have your rematch but let's not get all chummy and tag-teamy at this point in the season.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of the Duck, since he's failed to comprehend the proper manner in which to make a challenge, The Persuader is going to teach him a lesson, and I use my challenge to put The Persuader up against Kingbee Willy Malone! Next time, make a MAN'S challenge, Sir Quacksalot.
That's right Dildoionnaire! Sweet Peach Queen Grub Dillhole Baloney is in for a rude, crude and dude on dude awakening at the finely manicured hands of...
ReplyDeleteTHE PERSUADER!!!
Get ready Nancy, because I'm about to fucking bring six ounces of prime beef right up championship alley, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
Millionaire, we understand your concern regarding the Grapplecats presence at ringside and are looking into the situation. However, it was clearly stated at the beginning of the season that one of the advantages of having a pre-drafted stable was the ringside presence we are speaking of. Rest assured though, that our legal team is investigating the situation as we speak.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the challenges issued: Poppin' Corn's team of Manitou McIntosh and Michael Three Cheeses were already booked, so The Millionaire's open challenge can not stand.
And we don't like open challenges anyway.
So here's what next week looks like as of right now...
1) Dog Soldiers vs. Grapplecats
2) Persuader vs. "Kingbee" Willy Malone
3) Dr. Matsumoto vs. Franklin Lloyd Right - rematch!
Rush Limbaugh, Simon Pimpleton and Poppin' Corn are booked solid, but everyone else has at least one wrestler open... will we hear from Mick Drivor or will we book his matches for him?
Mr. Limbaugh, you drive a hard bargain. I had a vision the other night. Much like one I had during my 40 days and nights in the desert ... There was a crucifixion ... Of Franklin Lloyd Right ... In a CELL! We don't have to be 'chummy'as you put it. So why not enter my cathedral of pain in the cell? Unless you have some cheap, gentilian speak to get out of it ... On a side note: Ray Lewis thinks I helped him win the Super Bowl ... I was taking my sunday shvitz, for my sake! If he wants to think I had something to do with it, I'm not talking ...
ReplyDeleteNEXT WEEKS CARD (FINAL):
ReplyDelete1) Dog Soldiers vs. Grapplecats
2) Persuader vs. "Kingbee" Willy Malone
3) Dr. Matsumoto vs. Franklin Lloyd Right - rematch in a barbed wire cage!
4) The Chadillac vs. Sgt. Octopus
5) Lee Harvey Awesome vs. Chico Malaise'
Has it been so long? Was it all a dream? A vision of the mind's eye cast high and lonesome in the desert of antiquity, lost somewhere between wristlocks and wristwatches?
ReplyDeleteOr was it something else? A force of nature aligned with neither good nor evil, but simply a necessity for balance in the universe? Could it be the deadliest man to ever walk the planet earth? A master of the seven most terrifying arts? Hairdresser to the stars and leader of the BLACK DRAGON SOCIETY, a cabal of assassins spoken of only in hushed tones?
Could it be Count Dante?
As a matter of fact, it could. And here I stand, returned to the world of professional fantasy wrestling after so long. I have played many roles in this tale... a puppet, a poet, a preacher and a pauper. And now I return simply as a fan. An observer of this grand tapestry being woven in wonder before my very eyes.
Horseshit.
ReplyDeletePardon my French - I don't normally speak the language of pacifists and quitters, but in this instance I find it necessary to lower myself to the standard of the traitors who occupy this country under the banner of the red, white and blue yet do everything in their power to undermine its strength. But that's what this is, horseshit.
these cats are allowed to surround the ring - to OCCUPY it, if you will - and nothing is done about it I am not a stupid man, I understand meataphors. I understand that the "guns" of JC Superstar are being (over-)regulated by the jackbooted goons of FUCR. Unsuprisingly, the rulebook will not allow JC Superstar another rematch. Justice is set aside for "rights" while the rights of the managers (and fans, I had a sign confiscated by security at a recent live event) is being taken away piece by piece. This tyranny will not stand!
How proud I am of the Deadly Friends and Rush Limbaughs way which is RIGHT and true. A truer American there never was! While I am holed up in my bunker, amassing food and weapons for the coming war, Rush is out there on the front lines, fighting the good fight so the second line of defense like myself can rest easy and continue to memorize the Constitution and understand its true interpretation. Yes, Virginia, there is a United States of America, on nation under the Constitution, the flag and God, with unlimited weaponry and a lack of homosexuality and foreigners for all, Amen.
Sic Semper Tyrannus!
You will not tread on me!
God Bless America!
Semper Fi!
The ramblings of a madman. A psychopath. Limbaugh, will you not set this man free of the spell you've cast upon him with your silver tongue and wicked ways?
ReplyDeleteWicked ways? It was not too long ago that Carol Halstedder came to me with ways more wicked than any woman the Count had ever known. A firey passion burned in that woman's heart and deep within her loins. Something else resided deep within said loins - the lion heart of Count Dante, the Deadliest Man Alive. A seed was planted... 'twas it mine? Is it true that the manage known as Simon Pimpleton may in fact be... Simon Dante?
A mystery for the ages. But perhaps not for long.
What the hell are you talking about? Are you French, "Count" Dante? First of all, Mr. Minke, as a citizen of these United States of America, has a right and the privilege of speaking his mind, it's called freedom of speech, Frenchie. Second of all, I'm not sure what all this talk of hairdressing and siring little Frenchmen has anything to do with wrestling, which is what we're all here for. So please, take your East Village hair and your leather trousers back to wherever it is that you came from. This is an arena of battle, not a catwalk.
ReplyDeleteFinally, the "King" Bee Willy Malone is in for a rude awakening. Fun fact, fellow truth-seekers: all male bees are drones that perform menial tasks in the hive. In fact, there is no such thing as a "king" bee, only queen bees. But I guess that makes sense, considering the Millionaire's stable is nothing but a bunch of Castro Street queens anyway.
And Dr. Matsumoto, are you so thirsty for a beating that you have to go begging to FLR, the Architect of Pain to get your rocks off?
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus... Did I ever tell you I met Napoleon, too? It was during one of my last painkiller binges. I woke up stark naked, half a corn dog wedged under my left tit, and strapped to a bed in the psych ward of LA General Hospital. Napoleon, who was in the next bed, leaned over and said "Gophers make good feces, but cheddar is better!". I though little of him, and I think less of you.
And where is this Poopin' Corn fellow? Speaking of which, not only did I shit out corn last night, but I found a kernel particle between my back teeth this morning while in the shower. I eat and shit out corn. Get it? See you ringside, someday, Kernel Poopinfresh.
I returned and came here to FUCR not to work miracles, but to accomplish something without the wave of my hand or twitch of my nose. I wat to try and mete out justice with the sword, so to speak, and use a holy trinity of the flesh! Rush, as I have looked upon you over the years I have come to a conclusion: I liked you better when you were so high on oxycontin you did't realize you were pleasuring yourself to Peter North's homosexual film debut. Your spirit was pure then. You saw more clearly. Tnk what you will of me, my dear ... For whether or not members of my stable see victory over yours in the ring, justice will be meted out until you see the error of your way, dear boy! You talk of a 'true Christ' you are in league with. I can see you are clearly in league with a false prophet. Who is this other messiah you are dealing with? No matter. Because you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengence upon thee! I love that movie ...
ReplyDeleteLet me make this clear ... I am Poppin Corn. A great Chief who ruled the independent wrestling circuit in the 1980's. My people have wrestled for many hundreds of years , but have never had to wrestle a demon like this Rush man. You speak ill of my name, but my great mother named me after the first thing she looked upon after my birth just as she named my brother, two dogs fucking .. and what she saw was a carnival man giving bags of a glorious gift to children an spreding joy. It was popping corn ... I wish to bring that same joy to the fans of FUCR. However, my brothers, led by my nephew, Michael Three Cheeses, will make there duty to make sure you are the joyless one, Mr. Rush, for your mockery. Who is this Jesus man? He looks like someone who was in a super bowl commercial!
ReplyDeleteI must say that I was never one for religion... because it's goddamn stupid. But this "Jesus Christ: Manager of Managers" guy seems pretty on point. I like his ways. Maybe someday we could work on a project together.
ReplyDeleteAnd this Poppin Corn guy... FUCR should look into awarding this fellow a couple bonus points since he's the first native american manager to grace our wonderful fed. And NO RUSH, he shouldn't get free handouts, but his people have been persecuted like a MO FO! You NOR your people have been persecuted ever. In fact, I'd bet ALL of the persecuting ever done over time has been from you and your family. ALL OF IT!!
I'm getting some conflicting feelings here. A hardworking, all American millionaire who doesn't understand the persecution our people have been subject to? What about the laws in place by jackbooted thugs who wish to take away our Constitutional right to carry a small arsenal on my person? The taxes I am expected to pay in order to sustain roads I will never drive upon? The money I pay in order for immigrants to come to this country and sponge off of us by filling up our emercency rooms and eating at our welfare shelters - shelters intended for down on their luck but otherwise hardworking and Godfearing white men!
ReplyDeleteSir, I do not know what kind of Millionaire you claim to be, but you are verging on offending me! I served two tours of duty in Vietnam and I do NOT take kindly to Hollywood liberals such as yourself demeaning the Spirit of America!
I am interested to hear what Rush has to say about this! Is it okay if I call you Rush, Mr. Limbaugh?
Also, best of luck to the Persuader and Franklin Lloyd right this Friday! And also to Sgt. Octopus - Semper Fi, brother. Once a Marine...
ReplyDeleteWow, it's starting to look like a Rainbow Coalition rally here. Is Jesse Jackson somewhere around here?
ReplyDeleteChief, I'm not interested in your mom handling corn bags or nut sucks, just stick to rasslin'.
"Jesus", you just keep your meat sword in its scabbard and I won't let the Persuader take a loan out on your ass in exchange for one his his two month chips from AssAholics Anonymous.
Landfillionaire, quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack FUCK YOU quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack PENIS quack quack quack quack quack quack quack POOR MANAGEMENT quack quack quack quack quack quack.
Dear Mr. Minkey, I think it best if we keep it formal, you wouldn't want to appear biased in your comments. The "Millionaire" is a millionaire in the sense that George Clooney, Hanoi Jane (Fonda), and Robert Redford are "millionaires", yet somehow seem to think that because they've got a few pennies to rub together they know better than the rest of us how this country should work. Clearly he doesn't know the history of Affirmative Action or he would not be able to spout such outlandish liberal jibberish! The George Soros crowd can take a flying leap! There's a reason why my profile is racking up the followers whereas the duck is only followed by a troop of squawking ducklings.
3. Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
ReplyDeleteA: You can park in the handicap zone.
Get it?!
Drivor...I play with trucks till I'm done...then I blow em up with fireworks...this week you and your dork friends go BOOM! Former Big Hat & Soap on a Rope...you are a buncha freaks! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! You best watch out, cuz I'm drinking milk...and when I get older, I'll be kicking sand in your face! BOO YAH!!! P.S...What's a pinko commie?
ReplyDelete