Ladies, gentlemen and professional fantasy wrestling fans, WELCOME BACK! You may not know what sound a tree makes when it falls in the woods and no one is around, but you know damn well what a steel chair upside the head sounds like, don't you? DON'T YOU?!?! Now shut the fuck up and lets get down to the ring.
1) Former World's Heavyweight Champion The Persuader stepped into the ring representing Rush Limbaugh and the Deadly Friends. His challenger was none other than "Kingbee" Willy Malone, managed by the Millionaire and trained by the legendary "Kingpin" Billy LaLonde. One would expect nothing less than a barnburner and that is exactly what one got. Persuader dominated and put the 'Bee away in under four minutes. Here's the victory celebration...
3 pts. = Persuader @ 3:19 via pinfall.
As the FUCR cameras swept over the capacity crowd, fans noticed the Denver Broncos starting lineup in the front row, along with some members of the National Guard and former FUCR manager Count Dante. Additionally, there were a number of signs painted with slogans such as "I am Simon Pimpleton's Father" and "I f***ed Cheryl Halstedder and all I got was that ugly kid", among other offensive statements concerning the Grapplecats' manager and his alleged lack of definitive paternal parentage.
2) And speaking of the Amazing Simon Pimpleton, his Grapplecats (World Champion Tiger Nightmare and partner Cobra Jaguar) were up next, taking on the Dog Soldiers (Michael Three-Cheeses and Manitou McIntosh), managed by Poppin' Corn. It took just over THIRTEEN minutes of devastating action and non-stop ass-whuppery before it was over. And when it was over, the Champ proved his dominance, pinning Michael Three-Cheeses.
3pts = Tiger Nightmare @ 13:56 via pinfall
3pts = Cobra Jaguar
After the match, the stable of Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers, rushed the ring. Dr. Matsumoto, Orville Knorville and Lee Harvey Awesome laid boots to the Dog Soldiers and even went so far as to wrap them in smallpox infected blankets! It seems that the god of the white man has no room in his new world for the Great Spirit and those who follow nature's lead...
3) Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ) fought long and hard against Chico Malaise' (Truck Drivor) ... it was almost nine minutes of pain and destruction and we've got the footage to prove it!
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @ 8:41
4) Sgt. Octopus (Truck) proved himself to be a future Hall of Famer last season when he twice defeated Dr. Matsumoto and won the World's Heavyweight Championship. This season... not so much. After last week's humiliating loss to Diesel Injun, this week saw Sgt. Octopus take on another rookie and lose. Of course, this week the former USMC drill sergeant was facing The Chadillac, the protege' of former FUCR General Manager and 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski.
3pts = Chadillac @ 6:01 via pinfall
5) Our main event was a rematch from last week. Former World's Heavyweight Champion Dr. Matsumoto (Jesus Christ) suffered only the 2nd pinfall loss in his career at the hands of Franklin Lloyd Right (Rush Limbaugh) and this week, he intended to get a measure of revenge inside the cold steel confines of Caged Heat! And in just 2:14, Matsumoto did indeed get his revenge... with his feet on the ropes! But there's no instant replay in professional fantasy wrestling, so Matsumoto picks up the win! Now the grapplers are tied at 1-1 ... will we see a decisive winner in the coming weeks?
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @ 2:14 + 1 rematch point
* And that's our show! Now's the time to issue your challenges and speaketh thine shittery on ye olde boards of message... have at it! *
Would you LOOK at that!! THE Cadillac of Rasslers, the cream of the crop, he'll never eat a pig because a pig is a cop, The BEST OF THE BEST... THE CHADILLAC!!
ReplyDeleteSo on that note, I wanna get my stable on the same page. Convincer, KingBee was telling me that of course you're going to win a match of patty-cake. He's demanding a REMATCH and this time in a STEEL CAGE!! Real Men having a REAL BATTLE... alone. Sweating in unison through the guttural grunts of two MEN...... OOPS!!! Sorry, Rush! Didn't mean to get you all hot and bothered with GAY INNUENDO. I know that's the only way you like it, weiners in your butt and all.
Did someone bust out a duck call? All I hear is quack quack quack, which sounds a lot like the mewling of a tiny kitten. If my Duck to English dictionary is correct, the Concessionaire wanted to humiliate his little B buddy, and by "B" I mean "butt". So have at it, Trust-fund McDuck.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of rematches, here's one that's actually of interest to the fans, Franklin Lloyd Right will take on Matsumoto for the grand finale! But this time, let there be LADDERS! Not the kind that the OverTheHillionnaire and his tired stable are clamoring for, but a MAN's ladder, a ladder that reaches to the glory of our Lord's heavens, in all his wisdom! So, let the Duck quack on, and let the Architect plan out his path to glory!
And wait, King Bee was actually telling his manager that he'd lose? That's what you said, right AnalThrillionnaire? That King Bee was telling you that he was going to lose to Persuader? Shit, that's embarrassing...
ReplyDelete2/22/13 CARD THUS FAR...
ReplyDelete1) "Kingbee" Willy Malone vs. The Persuader - Steel Cage Rematch!
2) Franklin Lloyd Right vs. Dr. Matsumoto - Ladder Match - Final Rematch!
WHO'S NEXT?
Is this deja vu or am I still experiencing post traumatic stress disorder from my two tours of duty spent face down in the mud, protecting this great nation of ours from the threat of communism in 'Nam? TWO rematches?
ReplyDeleteWebsters Dictionary defines insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Well, I'm not one to call Jesus Christ insane, but clearly the Millionaire's version of bootstrappery (I got that one from you, Rush!) is different than mine.
So be it. God bless America
Semper Fi!
Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out.
In addition, all this talk about Simon Pimpleton's father has got me remembering one weekend before I shipped out... Carol Halstedder in a gingham dress... Roy Orbison on the radio..
Say, you don't suppose I could be his father?
Tiger nightmare & Cobra Jaguar had lotsa fun this week smacking the shit outta whoever that was that we smacked the shit out of. they'd like to do it again this week, so Sgt. Octopussy? Lobo Nono? You got the balls? Cuz we'll bust 'em, tag team style! Mickey Truck-Fucker? Whatta ya' say? I don't think you'll make it in the long haul! as for me and my boys...well, we're nothing short of puuuuurrrrfect!
ReplyDeleteYou're very mature for your age. Did anyone ever tell you that? You ever been to a sauna, Simon?
DeleteGenius or no, Simon Pimpleton is but a child. So we understand that he simply cannot grasp the rule that a manager can only challenge ONE wrestler at a time, unless that manager has a pre-made stable (such as Dog Soldiers, Deadly Friends or Garapplecats) under contract.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, the match will be booked as Tiger Nightmare & Cobra Jaguar vs. Sgt. Octopus and _______ ... And another wrestler from another managers stable will have to volunteer to fill that slot.
If Truck Drivor wishes to use his challenge to fill hat slot with a member of his own stable, so be it.
2/22/13 CARD THUS FAR...
ReplyDelete1) "Kingbee" Willy Malone vs. The Persuader - Steel Cage Rematch!
2) Franklin Lloyd Right vs. Dr. Matsumoto - Ladder Match - Final Rematch!
3) Tiger Nightmare & Cobra Jaguar vs. Sgt. Octopus & _______
*** The Amazing Simon Pimpleton and Rush Limbaugh are completely booked!
*** Jesus Christ Manager of Managers, the Millionaire and Mick "Truck" Drivor are each booked in one match, with one wrestler free each!
*** Poppin' Corn is not booked in any matches!
*** Drivor and Corn have yet to issue challenges!
Get your back up off the wall and GET DOWN ON IT!!!
2/22/13 CARD THUS FAR...
ReplyDelete1) "Kingbee" Willy Malone vs. The Persuader - Steel Cage Rematch!
2) Franklin Lloyd Right vs. Dr. Matsumoto - Ladder Match - Final Rematch!
3) Tiger Nightmare & Cobra Jaguar vs. Sgt. Octopus & Lobo Uno
Will we hear from Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers? Will we hear from Poppin Corn? Let's hope so!
I'm a big fan of Simon Pimpleton, and I think he's going to take the manager of the year award easily. So long as he keeps properly washed and does his stretches. Simon, you might want someone in your corner who can take care of the little things for you. You know, take your calls, write your schedules, wash your body when you get sweaty and salty from a hard day of managing champions? I can do that for you, Simon. I can do that for you, and so much more. Just give uncle Jerry a call sometime, I just got a new dual shower head installed. You'll love it.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think it's hilarious when you say balls. Balls... Oh man...
Whoa whoa whoa, now Jerry. The boy needs spiritual guidance if he truly wants to succeed in this league, and that guidance can only be supplied by the firm, caressing hand of his ex-Holiness, me!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry Simon my boy. I and my cadre of fully trained and vigorous priests and bishops are lining up one by one right behind you. Victory shall be yours, and the gates of Heaven will split wide open for you, as the Holy Spirit gushes into your soul.
Amen.
Not surprising that where Jesus Christ steps, Pope Ratzinger follows in his footsteps. And when there was only one set of footprints...
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a babe at mother's breast, she told me that of all the promises the white man made, the only one he kept was to take our land. And now, I stand before you naked and poor, but the leader of a great nation. A nation of warriors. Dog Soldiers. Cheyenne Hotamétaneo'o...
A consultation with the pipe and drum brought me a vision. Brother Beaver spoke to me of the building of an immovable object. A spirit that can not waver. Uncle Fish spoke of swimming upstream. And Sister Coyote passed unto me the knowledge of the foot on the ropes...
The accumulated knowledge, combined with sheer skill, will be put into action when Diesel Injun challenges Lee Harvey Awesome to a match.
Jesus Christ, your gamble will not payoff. When you enter the Casino of the Dog Soldiers... you can always bet on Red.
Holy shit, that's funny! Good one Chief. You know, I feel really awful about that whole genocide thing. I just feel dirty, dirty to the core. And you know, when I feel this dirty I just need a long hot shower. Simon, have you ever been to the public pool?
Delete2/22/13 FUCR FRIDAY (FINAL CARD)
ReplyDelete1) "Kingbee" Willy Malone vs. The Persuader - Steel Cage Rematch! Worth 4 points!
2) Franklin Lloyd Right vs. Dr. Matsumoto - Ladder Match - Final Rematch! Worth 5 points!
3) Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare & Cobra Jaguar vs. Sgt. Octopus & Lobo Uno
4) Diesel Injun vs. Lee Harvey Awesome
5) The Undefeated Chadillac vs. Manitou McIntosh
* TOP THREE RANKINGS *
1) Tiger Nightmare - 8
2) Chadillac - 6
3) Dr. Matsumoto - 4
LOL! Simon, you're so funny!
ReplyDeleteRUSH, you must be excited because your TWO favorite people on the planet are now on the message boards, your SOULMATE Jerry Sandusky and the guy who finds you all of your sexual fun, POPE Ratzinger. I can only imagine you 3 running about town like the assholes from clockwork orange, raping and pillaging every kindergarten you can see for miles!!
ReplyDeleteThat was really uncalled for, Bleeding Heart Liberal Communistionaire. But not a huge surprise coming form a trust fund duckling as yourself. I have come to realize that there was no utilization of boostraps, nor hard work in your bank account. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you do not actually speak English. I bet you have an interpreter who translates out your Tejano mumbo jumbo into intelligble English for the rest of us to be able to read.
ReplyDeleteI try to enjoy this sport as pure entertainment but I cannot help but become emotionally invested when those such as yourself secure positions in which you can insult and degrade the traditions of our fine nation. With that in mind I offer my FULL support to The Persuader in his cage match rematch match against your hive minded Kingbee. Like the Communist collective from which your monies have sprung forth he does not think for himself and has no will of his own. Just as you like them. Enjoy your borscht and cabbages. Next week I suspect the Persuader will feast on the rotten carcass of your fallen Berlin Wall.
Do no even ATTEMPT to tread on me!
"Don't ATTEMPT to tread on me!"
ReplyDeleteWho the FUCK are you and what's so great about your tread? You're not even a manager for FUCR so everything you type is completely worthless.
Why is the first sentence in your second paragraph about RUSH LIMBAUGH yet you're calling me out. Get your managers straight, DUMBASS!!
Like I already said... WORTHLESS!!!
Oh my fine duckling. If you knew anything about anything you would know that I'm by no means a supporter of homosexuality, nor Popery. I have however found an interesting website that lays bare you and your communist friends' plot!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.gayducks.org/
Mr. Duck, let me ask you a question? Where did you get your millions?
ReplyDeleteNo, let me ask you another question because I know you got your millions form your parents who probably worked very hard in order for you to live a life full of laziness and siestas. So I pose to you this question, how do you make your money now? Is it through wrestling? Does fantasy professional wrestling pay your bills? Is that your livelihood? Is that how you make money?
Because if so, then my opinion on these message boards is FAR from worthless. I am the man who pays your bills. I buy tickets. I buy free-for-views. I buy t-shirts and refreshments at the refreshment stand as well as a bonanza of merchandise including foam fingers, trucker hats, liscenced boxer shorts, breakfast cereals, limited edition autographed posters, scarves, replica belts and what have you.
I PAY YOUR BILLS, FREELOADER! That is precisely why everything I say is so important. While you sit back, having baby after baby and supporting your drug habits with taxpayer money who do you think is paying for that?
Charles Danforth Minkey, Pvt. 1st Class USMC. That's who.
I'll thank you kindly to refrain from treading upon me or the American people any further.
Rush, I'm very much not surprised you're spending time on a website like that. And whoever told you what the movie Clockwork Orange is about needs to watch it again, cuz it's primarily about the Apollo 11 astronauts having everything in the palms of their hands until they realized what the "flight's" actual intentions are... faking it. Then they were psychologically brainwashed to have panic attacks anytime somebody asked them about the faking of the moon landing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should stop watching Brokeback Mountain daily for once and try something different. Try LEARNING... it's fun.
Hey Dummy PRIVATE Pinkey up your ass, if you willingly GAVE your money to FUCR, and I worked for a paycheck from FUCR by being a manager... then I EARNED the money I have. You have NO IDEA what a freeloader is. Enjoy being a private because with smarts like that, your not going to make it any further.
Ha! Good one. I wonder what Simon Pimpleton thinks about all this? I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder if he's bathing.
DeleteYes, he's bathing.
ReplyDeleteDear stupid,
ReplyDeleteWithout FUCR you do not have ajob. Without hardworking Americans keeping the dream of capitilsm alive by buying merchandise made (right here in America which is the only reson I support it) then there is no FUCR. Without no FUCR, you are without job. Hence and thusfore, your employers are the American people. The same ones you steal welfare checks from on the first of every month you freeloader.
Even so, you freeload off of the wreslers you emply. Plus, the taking of the Lords name in vain. It all adds up to your communistic beliefs!
Hey repeat moronic offender,
ReplyDeleteSTOP TYPING!!! I HAVE a job with FUCR. Without FORD, people who work at FORD don't have a job either. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!
And since I receive a large check from FUCR every 2 weeks, I DO NOT receive a welfare check. My checks are way huger than the other managers' because I've been here the longest! SO AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!
Shit Man, if your boss sees this, he's going to reduce you down LOWER than Private, if that's even possible, because of how unbelievably STUPID your comments are!
Either start making sense of just break your keyboard... you give "Americans" a HORRIBLE name!!
Why don't you try making your comments "Private" too?
Now now, there's no need to get angry just because I'm the most popular manager this year, further eclipsing your feathered cloaca. Need proof? Just check out my Google Plus profile, you can already see that my fan base is expanding every day, I call my following the Severed Limbaughs, because they're independent of Liberal dictatorship, and because... well... it sounds cool! Anyway, I don't see any fans clamoring to join the Duck's fan club.
ReplyDeleteRush works hard. He plays hard. And he manages champions even harder.
https://plus.google.com/u/0/111538766076655718358/posts
The Persuader is going to smash King Bee Willy Malone like Mark Rubio smashed Obama's state of the union address! BLAM!
ReplyDeleteFranklin Lloyd Right, The Architect of Pain is going to bury Matsumoto like the liberal press buried the Benghazi story! BLAOW!!!
The Deadly Friends, what's right for you, what's right for America.
Duck, it is clear to me now that you do not speak our language so I am done persueng my point with you. An immigrant who comes to America to make money and refuses to learn our language! I guess it woudnt' be the first time. Just remember when your royaltys and residual checks begin to dwindle, it is because you turned your back on the American People and the fans.
ReplyDeleteAll I hear on this message board is a bunch of little dogs barking and a baby Duck quacking. Rush you have never worked a day in your life and your boys are about to find out what real pain is all about. Maybe you can help them out with some painkillers. I know you have a lot of experience with them. Pennyaire you keep flappin that beak of yours and its gonna get broke. Pretty soon you all will be like nothing more than the mayflys on the Trucks windshield cuz I am about to shift into high gear and roll over all of you.
ReplyDelete