It's Week Three of the season and we're another step closer to determining a #1 contender for the richest prize in the sport, currently held by Tiger Nightmare, the World's Heavyweight Championship. Since 2007, it has been the standard of excellence in professional fantasy wrestling.
And speaking of the World's Champion, he and his partner Cobra Jaguar (managed by the Amazing Simon Pimpleton) kicked off the evening in a grand fashion when they took on Mick "Truck" Drivor's team of Lobo Uno and Sgt. Octopus. If you watch no other videos this season, you MUST see the entrance of the Grapplecats...
And if you'd care to see a bit of the action, you could watch the following...
And if you want to see the victory celebration after Tiger Nightmare pinned former World's Champion Sgt. Octopus after MUCH interference from Battle Cat, watch this...
The Grapplecats have proven themselves to be THE force to reckon with in FUCR, but it is due as much to raw talent as it is to chicanery and devilish tactics. It's as though this three-man wrecking crew is akin to a Feline Freebirds, wreaking havoc and ensuring that if they leave here tomorrow, you will definitely remember them.
3pts = Tiger Nightmare via pinfall @ 12:06
3pts = Cobra Jaguar for being there
2) Next up, The Persuader (Rush Limbaugh) battled "Kingbee" Willy Malone (Millionaire) in a steel cage rematch worth 4 points! It was a short but brutal affair that went a little something like this...
4pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone via pinfall @ 3:56
Will the series go to a 3rd deciding match? Only Rush Limbaugh knows for sure...
3) The Chadillac (Millionaire) has been on a tear as of late, pinning Cobra Jaguar and Sgt. Octopus... but his undefeated streak came to an end at the hands of a man who represents both the Irish and the Native American people who have founded this country - Manitou McIntosh (Poppin' Corn). This victory came in no small part to the interference and machinations of one Poppin' Corn himself, who seems to have taken his recent losses to heart and is striking back with vengeance.
3pts = Manitou McIntosh via pinfall @ 5:56
4) Poppin' Corn and his Dog Soldiers stayed in the ring for the next match - a grudge match between Diesel Injun and Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers). It was just one short week ago that Jesus' Apostles mercilessly attacked the Dog Soldiers and wrapped them in smallpox infected blankets, announcing that the God of the White Man would defeat and supplant the Great Spirit. But it was not to be on this night... for on this night, after a lengthy battle and MUCH interference from Michael Three Cheeses, Diesel Injun scored a pinfall victory!
It would seem that the White Man's God was little match for the Great Spirit of the Chippewa, the Cheyenne, the Oglala and so many others.
3pts = Diesel Injun @ 6:41 via pinfall.
5) And our main event was the final match in a best-of-three series between former World's Heavyweight Champion Dr. Matsumoto (Jesus Christ) and Rush Limbaugh's Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain ... after a standard match and a steel cage match, the only way this score could be settled was by hanging a briefcase 15 feet above the ring. The winner would earn not only the $50, 000 in the briefcase, but also a grand total of 5 points! And the winner, after over 6 minutes of combat...
5pts = Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain
* * * And that's our show, fans! Next week is the final week before the season's 2nd big Free-For-View event, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT! Live from Washington DC, our nation's capitol, this event will be an extravaganza of awesomeness featuring celebrities and stars and most importantly - RASSLIN! So get your challenges in and challenge wisely, for your choices will determine the #1 contender to Tiger Nightmare's throne! * * *
* TOP FIVE RANKINGS *
ReplyDelete1) Tiger Nightmare - 11
2) Franklin Lloyd Right - 8
3) Cobra Jaguar - 6
4) Diesel Injun - 6
5) Chadillac - 6
Franklin Lloyd Right vs Cobra Jaguar! Mano a mano!
ReplyDeleteHouses are built for you to hold councils in. The Indians hold theirs in the open air. I am a Shawnee. My forefathers were warriors. Their son is a warrior. From them I take my only existence. From my tribe I take nothing. I have made myself what I am. And I would that I could make the red people as great as the conceptions of my own mind, when I think of the Great Spirit that rules over us all. I would not then come to Jesus Christ to ask him to tear up the treaty. But I would say to him, "Brother, you have the liberty to return to your own country."
ReplyDeleteAnd so you shall. The Great Spirit wishes you well and bids you farewell. In your stead, we will follow the lead of the corpulent white god and issue a challenge to one of these cats.
Battlecat... adorn yourself in the vestiments of battle. For you shall step into the ring with the Diesel Injun. Perhaps forevermore, and nevermore again.
Next week's matches thus far:
ReplyDelete1) Franklin Lloyd Right (Limbaugh) vs. Cobra Jaguar (Pimpleton)
2) Diesel Injun (P. Corn) vs. Battlecat (Pimpleton)
Who's next... YOU?!?!
Seems the Truck and his boys have hit a small speed bump lately. We the only way to get movin is to take on the fastest car on the road. Chadillac Chico Malaise is gonna run you right off the road and straight to the junkyard where you belong!
ReplyDeleteNext week's matches thus far:
ReplyDelete1) Franklin Lloyd Right (Limbaugh) vs. Cobra Jaguar (Pimpleton)
2) Diesel Injun (P. Corn) vs. Battlecat (Pimpleton)
3) Chico Malaise' (T. Drivor) vs. Chadillac (Millionaire)
*** Fans, we hope you're enjoying this season as much as we are! And we hope you're taking the time to watch the matches that we've posted. We try to keep them at a manageable length (usually two minutes or under) so they don't take up your whole night. And even at that short length, FUCR still features almost as much wrestling as 3 hours of Monday Night Raw! ***
Well well well...it seems as though i've been blocked this week. Good, that means y'all are paying attention...and those who take on my Grapplecats are paying dues...in the form of ass whippings! It's tough at the top. Being that I can't pick who's ass I want to kick this week, maybe the board will see fit to make Battlecat's match with Diesel Injun this week a chickasaw street fight! Got the balls, Popcorn Chicken? FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE! Why? Because Battlecat can beat your boy's ass...anywhere! Whatta ya say?
ReplyDeleteOh my! Simon you really are amazing! You seem to be getting older and more mature by the day. Before you know it you'll be a fully grown and mature sixteen year old capable of making all sorts of decisions and will be ripe for all sorts of young man adventures, depending on the state you're in. Have you ever been on a road trip Simon?
Deleteand Rush...you must be back on drugs. Cobra Jaguar will be deconstructing FLR at the joints! Better save him some oxycotin!
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh, those cheeks...
DeleteSlow down, Jerry. Those ample cheeks are for the Good Lord and the Good Lord only. It would be wrong and a sin to... to... to even think about caressing them with your fingertips, tousling that adorable sandy hair, running your fingers through it, putting warmed holy oil on your hands and massaging those strong, young shoulders. Simon, when was the last time you confessed? You should come down to the Vatican sometime, we have a new confessional that you can try out, there's even a slot to receive communion immediately after you tell all your dirty secrets about touching yourself.
DeleteJC Superstar would like to battle Michael 3-cheeses.
ReplyDeleteAnother white man, another broken promise. And this one, like the others, breaks even the rules he himself makes. So be it. It was our people who taught the Chickasaw how to fight. Do you think us so foolish as to teach them all we know? Like the mighty beasts of destruction you have set loose upon us, Diesel Injun will terminate your Cat of Battle and leave his splattered carcass on the side of the road.
ReplyDeleteMillionaire. Your coins mean nothing when compared to the richness of nature. You seem to pit another false prophet against us when we so handily disposed of one last week? So be it. He too shall wander the path of the Great Bear and palaver with the Honey Badger. No fuck asked; none given.
Simon, the only thing your cats grapple with is their sexuality.
ReplyDeleteNext week's matches:
ReplyDelete1) Franklin Lloyd Right (Limbaugh) vs. Cobra Jaguar (Pimpleton)
2) Diesel Injun (P. Corn) vs. Battlecat (Pimpleton)
3) Chico Malaise' (T. Drivor) vs. Chadillac (Millionaire)
4) JC Superstar (Millionaire) vs. Michael Three Cheeses (P.Corn)
5) Hannibal Murdoch (Limbaugh) vs. Orville Knorville (Jesus Christ)
6) Dr. Matsumoto (Jesus Christ) vs. Sgt. Octopus (Drivor)
Two young lions of the sport meet for the first time to determine the course of the future when Hannibal Murdoch takes on Orville K'norville!
ReplyDeleteSgt. Octopus was the only man able to defeat Dr. Matsumoto last season and he did it twice. The Doctor vows revenge and Sgt. Octopus promises to end his losing streak once and for all!
Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain, is heavily favored to take the top spot and challenge Tiger Nightmare for the World's Heavyweight Championship at Capital Punishment... but in order to secure his spot, he must defeat another member of the Grapplecats: Cobra Jaguar! Does the Architect have the right stuff? Can Cobra Jaguar protect his partner's title? Only one way to know...
COME BACK NEXT WEEK!
It seems to me, almost unfathomable, that Franklin Lloyd Right could do any less than rightfully assend to his rightful place as the token champion of the right thinking peoples of the United States of America. Those who follow the Constitution, et al. Still, knowingof the despicable tactics most commonly perpetrated by Simon Pimpleton (a Jew?), it seems only right to wish still wish him luck. Best of luck, Mr. Right. I hope the Persuader has your back. I know he will.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to Sgt. octopus defeating Dr. Matsumoto next week! Semper Fi, Sarge - I wish I could of served under you during my two tours in 'Nam, when I defended this country from the scourge of Communism as I still do today.
Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh ... and with that, I have returned. Spending some time with Keith Richards and before I know it, I'm face down in a pile of my own vomit, in a cocaine haze for a week ... On top of that, I was obliged to attend the bar mitzvah of Woody Allen's grandchild, so forgive my absence. Seems that my Matsumoto has been placed in a match that I see no challenge for. I suppose that is the FUCR boards way for absentees. So be it! Poppin' Corn, it seems that you are beginning to see the light of lights. We will see if you can keep walking the straight and narrow and earn a place in my kingdom! And Mr. Mikey, your defense of a phantom scourge was in vain. You lost. Just as the man you idolize will lose to the man who puts the C in communism! In vino veritas ...
ReplyDeleteThe light I see is the light of Sister Luna, who guides my path at night and Mother Rao, who lights the day. Your light is a false one. As Diesel Injun proved, Lee Harvey Awesome was just a patsy - his tale was one of paranoia and conspiracy, no more real than the passing of gas or the calm of wind on a summer's eve.
ReplyDeleteGod damnable hippies! Go hug an ewok.
ReplyDelete