Five years ago today, Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton saw his dream made real. With the crowning of Monte Altazzar as the first ever Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion, the dream of breaking down barriers and uniting the various worlds of friends and fantasy wrestling became a truth too powerful to be denied. And today, we congregate to witness and pay homage to the celebration of life, liberty and the pursuit of awesomeness that is Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Welcome to SLAMARAMA 2012.
We'll be doing things a little differently this year. With the point totals so close, we're going to update you between every match, to let you know exactly where each manager stands at that exact moment. Hopefully this will increase the dramatic tension and make for a better overall experience. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will poop themselves.
Unfortunately (or quite fortunately, depending on who you are), we have an admission to make. A very grievous error has occured on the part of the FUCR Board of Dirctors, one that we luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you are) caught just before we posted these results. If you're usually someone who skims these results, you might just want to start taking your time to read them right now.
Whilst tallying up the point totals to determine Manager of the Year, Wrestler of the Year and all of the runners up, we came to a startling realization: the FUCR Board of Pointkeepers failed to note Pierre St. Cloud's earnings in the Wheezleton Memoriale on the Rasslin Bidness (managers, stables and points) page. The positive side of this error is that it has made for a very exciting season, with the illusion of a much closer race toward the finish line. The negative side, other than the egg on our faces, is the fact that OUI was denied NINE points. But the error, having been discovered, will now be rectified as we enter the final event of the season.
We apologize for any confusion and furor that may be ignited due to this error. We now give you the point totals as they stand now, wish you all the best of luck and kick off SLAMARAMA!
Opulence Unlimited International leads with 62 points
The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno are tied with 55 points each.
Cesar Romero holds steady in 3rd place with 52 points.
Mick "Truck" Drivor, with 41, stands little chance of winning - but you'd never know that by the way his stable fights tooth and nail!
Now let's get to the scrappin'...
1) Our opening match featured two unlikely team ups: Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) and The Negotiator (Drivor) taking on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - the match was a brilliant opener and incited the crowd to a near riot. You can watch most of it right here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
2) The next match featured Danny Divine (OUI) in action against a man not heard of in fantasy wrestling for some time. A name whispered in secret places where ghouls and goblins frequent. A shadowy figure whose tentacles reach across your soul like nails on an existential chalkboard. A man whose presence is so powerful, it actually shorted out our cameras. As a result, we can't show you the match, but can only present this entrance video, taped at Starrcade a few years ago...
Needless to say, the crowd went wild as GOLAR decimated Danny Divine in record time.
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
3) The cameras still hadn't been fixed when the 4-Way Elimination Match began. The Phantom Dandy, Duke Alexander Stallion, Lassiter Arcade and Maximus Von Zeus went at it like dogs in heat. Except that they were wrestling instead of having sex, and no one's penis got stuck in someone's vagina, necessitating FUCR officials to throw a bucket of water on them to get them apart. Anyway, here's the order of elimination:
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Duke Alexander Stallion @ 6:32 - 1pt
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Maximus Von Zeus @ 8:06 - 1pt
* Phantom Dandy knocked Arcade out @ 10:08 - 4pts
WINNER: Phantom Dandy!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 46
4) The next match featured two former World's Heavyweight Champions and longtime rivals, The Thrillionaire and Dr. Matsumoto, in a TLC match with $25,000 in a briefcase suspended above the ring! The last time these two met, it went over 15 minutes and Matsumoto barely scraped by with a victory. This time, the outcome was decided in less than 5 minutes, prompting many a fan to chant "bullshit!" Nevertheless, we managed to get our cameras operational again and captured the final moments for you here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 55
Millionaire = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 49
5) It only made sense that when Profesor Infierno and The Millionaire once again met in the ring, it would be a battle of magic between Warlock Star and Doctor Spectacular. After all, hadn't these men given us so much magic all season? FUCR officials decided earlier in the day that the contest would be a 2-out-of-3-falls match and it was a fucking barnburner!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 58
Romero = 55
Millionaire = 55
Drivor = 49
6) And there you have it. The season has been decided... or has it?
In light of the fact that OUI has been absent from the message boards for the better part of the past month, we are adding a caveat to their victory and title of Managers of the Year: If a OUI does not issue a statement claiming their prize on the message boards by NOON on Monday, June 25, 2012, they will forfeit the award and it will be given to the runner up! Favor has been on OUI's side this season, and their victories at both of our major events - The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale - may not have paid off in World's Title reigns, but they represent two unique prizes that are quite special unto themselves, as OUI's command of the top spot has proven.
But it may all be for naught if Jim and Carol Halstedder can't be bothered to slip out from beneath their satin sheets and claim the prize they so richly deserve. As Dr. Matsumoto's forfeit of the World's Championship earlier this season has proven, the FUCR Board of Directors, in conjunction with the VGWA, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body of fantasy professional wrestling isn't fucking around this season. If you don't show up, you get the boot.
Speaking of the runners up and potential Managers of the Year... If Sgt. Octopus is successful in his title defense, his manager (Cesar Romero) will be tied with Profesor Infierno at 58 points, in which case a sudden death match will determine the winner. But if JC Superstar is successful, it will propel The Millionaire to the top spot with 59 points!
And the World's Heavyeight Championship still hangs in the balance between Sgt. Octopus and his #1
Contender, JC Superstar. It's been a long, hard road for both men, and their final battle must be decided in the deadliest match of alll - A BEYOND THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH!
So how did it go down? It took only 4 minutes and 12 seconds...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66 - Manager of the Year! (provisional)
The Millionaire = 59
Profesor Infierno = 58
Cesar Romero = 55
Mick "Truck" Drivor = 49
And that's the season! Congratulations to the new World's Heavyweight Champion (and with a grand total of 30 points, the Wrestler of the Year) JC Superstar! And Congratulations to Opulence Unlimited International - the Managers of the Year!
And perhaps, congratulations to The Millionaire, the runner up and potential Manager of the Year if OUI does not claim their prize!
Most of all, thank you to everyone who participated this season, and even to those of you who didn't. Without you, FUCR would be nothing more than a man smoking pot, watching his video game play against itself, recording the matches and posting them online. But because of you, it is a shared tradition of friendship, love, hatred, thinly veiled homosexuality, violence and anger. YOU are what makes the magic happen.
See you next season!
WRESTLER of the YEAR: JC Superstar - 30pts
ReplyDeleteRUNNERS-UP
1) Phantom Dandy - 27
2) Dr. Matsumoto - 26
3) Maximus Von Zeus - 25
4) Thrillionaire - 24
5) Duke Alexander Stallion - 23
6) Danny Divine - 23
7) Tokyo Torres - 21
8) Sgt. Octopus - 17
9) Lassiter Arcade - 17
10) Pierre St. Cloud - 15
WORLD'S CHAMPIONS
1) Dr. Matsumoto - 2 reigns, totalling 43 days
2) Sgt. Octopus - 1 reign, totalling 28 days
3) The Thrillionaire - 1 reign, totalling 20 days
Hey everybody, I made it! The season starts June 25, right?
ReplyDeleteRight?
I don't know what's more ridiculous, the fact that FUCR forgot to add in St. Cloud's points or the fact that OUI is likely to lose their Manager of the Year trophy due to negligence! Hey hippies: put down the peace pipe and MANAGE YOUR STABLE!
ReplyDeleteWOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! What an amazing PPV and SEASON!! I for one and completely blown away on more levels than I care to admit. WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW!
ReplyDeleteFUCR, seriously... can you please fire the a-hole who counts up the points? he was fuckin up all hell damn season. But am I Upset!!?! HELL NO!!! Cuz I'm forced to put all of my bottom dollars in the hopes that OUI accidentally breaks all of their fingers betwixt now and Noon tomorrow. I can smell and taste that MANAGER OF THE YEAR award already as we speak.
And while we are on the topic of Awards... LET'S HEAR IT FOR JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!!! RASSLER OF THE YEAR!!!!!! Nobody Infuego, Oui, Ceasar, or drivor managed can claim that claim. Only a man with a real brain for this amazing sport can lead his rassler to such fame and fortunes.
F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! THE MILLIONAIRE!! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R! F-U-C-R!
I can smell that Manager of the Year award too, Millionaire. It smells like Cheryl Halstedder's rotten fish taco. I don't know exactly what type of business it is they're running, but it seems clear that with their fingers in so many pies, the Halstedders don't put much stock in fantasy wrestling these days. Shame, too: they had talent.
ReplyDeleteCongrats to all involved this season. Mr. Superstar, you have worked your way back from a proverbial 3-day tour of the underworld and have risen to the occasion, winning the World Championship and Wrestler of the Year.
Of note to this longtime fan is the return of Golar to the ring. Good to see him again, even if this footage is 15 years old and we didn't actually "see" him in action.
Surprised. Didn't think this season would last and it turned out very well. One of the best. When does next season start?
Oui would like to thank all who stood by us, and supported our bid to take it to the top in this business, and this league. Cheryl...we did it baby! Managers of the Year! The Wheezleton Memoriale...The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix...Phantom Dandy as the runner up wrassler of the year! On a hair, and a prayer....we pulled it out...and sprayed it all over your chests, asses, and faces! Taste the sweet nectar of our victory, y'all! WHOOOOOOO!
ReplyDeleteAnd there you have it. It came down to the wire but we give you your 2012 Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' Managers of the Year, Jim and Carol Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International!
ReplyDeleteWe'll be posting some polls on the right side of the screen concerning other awards. Please vote and we'll post the results later in the week.
Great job, OUI. The one time you get on the boards in the last 3 weeks is to accept the Manager of the Year award. Classy. Nobody can back into championship as well as you can. But hey, a randumb accidental NINE points awarded to you the day of the final PPV would have pushed any of the managers to the top slot.
ReplyDeleteOUI, It seems as tho you really are manager of the year... You are way better than Brown Hornet, Tommy Huang and Mick Drivor.
We wish to stress that those 9 points were not simply given to OUI on the final day, but were earned during the Wheezleton Memoriale, one of our oldest and most prestigious events. It was an error on the part of our point keeping division (which incidentally, was run by Bronson Thunderhammer), who neglected to post the points when they were earned.
ReplyDeleteHaving discovered the mistake, it would have been unfair on the part of the Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin Board of Directors to refuse to give those points to OUI.
Well, the long and winding road has come to an end. I haven't felt this kind of sadness since my final big screen appearance in 'The Right Way' in 1998. A valiant effort was given by all managers and competitors.
ReplyDeleteOui, our rivalry was known world wide and not even my rivalry with Mr. Rooney could compare. Only my rivalry with John Hillerman, over him being picked to play Higgins on 'Magnum P.I.' can come close. You were missed over the past few weeks, but my sweet memory of Jim and Cheryl Halstedder will last until my dying breath.
Mr. Millionaire, what can I say ... You came within an inch of taking home manager of the year honors. Take solace in knowing your sweet saviour lived up to his billing and Rose to become the king of kings in FUCR by besting my dear Sgt. Octopus. Sgt. O has retired and joined the occupy movement out of his fury and embarrassment. Perhaps now we can work on our "Life of Christ" project? Let me know.
Infierno, you were the most myserious of all characters to me, but your refined manners and intelligence won me over. We will accept defeat whilst knowing we provided top notch entertainment for the FUCR fans across the globe! Give little Huang my best and teach him some manners.
Mr. Drivor, you did the best with the hand you were dealt. You had the greatest champion under your wing and you entertained well. Good luck on the road and perhaps we will meet again in a truck stop parking lot among roaming prostitutes and friendly hanjobs.
Farewell, sweet friends. See you in the next life ...
I hope the Millionaire doesn't get an eye infection crying himself to sleep on his enormous gold and ruby encrusted pillow.
ReplyDeleteI don't cry, I pay others to do it for me.
ReplyDeleteIf I hired you, you could make a fortune, Nubes....with all of that crying you do due to how pathetic your non-internet life is and all.
True. When off-line, the vast majority of my time is spent engaged in sexual intercourse with your mother, in all of her various orifaces, leaving precious little time for a social life. How I long for interaction with other human beings! But being balls deep in Mrs. The Millionaire and having a front row seat at every FUCR event is a fair trade.
ReplyDeleteDang, Nubes, even the extraordinarily stupid Lil' Huang even knows that ducks only have a cloaca. That means only one hole... no "various orifices". And are you going to try to screw a duck bill? I don't think it's possible.
ReplyDeleteSo wait, The Millionaire actually IS a duck? This season has ended weirder than I imagined!
ReplyDeleteLet me be honest, I muscled Huang out of his managerial contract simply because I had become bored banging hotties in Cancun. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Congratulations to OUI, you've proven once again that oblivious white people who take part in society only superficially can get everything they want handed to them! You've truly outdone yourselves!
Millionaire, you have proven worthy, and JC Superstar has defeated my primaryu tool. And trust me, Zeus is a total tool!
Truck Drivor, once again you've managed to keep it real with your greasy jeans, 5 Hour Energy Drink-littered dressing room, and serious methamphetamine abuse. I salute you, sir!
Mr. Romero, it's truly been a pleasure. Bring some of your films down to Mexico City sometime, we'll have a screening at my private theater!
FUCR Management, you've made it through another season without totally fucking up everything, and for that I salute you! Until next season, pendejos!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!