Welcome back one and all! Last season, professional fantasy wrestling celebrated its 5th year of existence. As the door of this anniversary closed, a window was opened. And once those curtains were cast aside and the glass panes raised, all were awed as Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin stepped forward into a sunny future. The future of 2013.
Ladies and gentlemen, these are your FUCR managers for the season.
Mick "Truck" Drivor returns and brings with him a stable of purebred stallions including former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus, the dangerous lone wolf known as Lobo Uno and the 7' tall British-Samoan master of mixed/mystical martial arts known as Chico Malaise'.
The Susan Lucci of professional fantasy wrestling, the Millionaire, once again has his sights set on the Prize. His stable consists of returning World's Heavyweight Champion and Wrestler of the Year J.C. Superstar and a couple of second-generation protégés, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and the man they call Chadillac. Will this finally be his year?
Poppin' Corn is fresh out of the microwave and ready to rumble! Inspired by his deep passion for the legacy of the American Indian, he has contracted the services of Michael Three-Cheeses' Dog Soldiers: Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh.
Child prodigy The Amazing Simon Pimpleton can't grow a mustache, but his scientific skills would undoubtedly convince a 14th century village that he was a high-level wizard. His dream of petting a kitty put him in contact with the Grapplecats - an international cartel of grapplers sporting a feline gimmick.
And fucking Rush Limbaugh's Deadly Friends. Former World's Champion The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Hannibal Murdoch.
But seated on a throne of not gold, but only the grass beneath one's feet, Jesus Christ himself lazily ate of an apple and cast his eye toward the vast and mighty cosmos.
"John the Baptist, I'm booooored,", he intoned. "What plaything can you offer me?"
"The planet earth, your majesty." the man who baptized Jesus in the waters of the river Jordan replied.
And lo, the Messiah did see professional fantasy wrestling. And he saw that it was good. Never one to pass up competition and seeking to regain a measure of pride to the detriment of the reigning World's Champion, the Lamb of God has obtained a manager's license. And at his right hand is the dreaded Dr. Matsumoto, two-time World's Champion and the man who defeated Count Dante in mortal combat. Rounding out his stable of characters are stuntman Orville Knorville and the dark horse known as Lee Harvey Awesome.
Next Friday, the 2013 FUCR season kicks off with DEADLY GENESIS II - our first free-for-view. In keeping with the tradition of a level playing field, the World's Heavyweight Championship will defended in a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match! JC Superstar will step into the ring with the finest representatives of each stable: Dr. Matsumoto, Sgt. Octopus, Michael Three-Cheeses, Tiger Nightmare and The Persuader! That's four World Champions in one match! That's pure insanity! That's Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Tune in February 1, 2013 for results.
* card subject to change
Rush Limbaugh is in your wrestling game? That's sweet. I'm in.
ReplyDeleteHow about some more matches tho?
Click on the "RASSLIN BIDNESS" link just under the FUCR logo. There you will find more details regarding each stable and their point totals.
ReplyDeleteRush Limbaugh is in my wrestling game? That's LAME! I want out!
ReplyDeleteAnd how can a guy wrestle, Jesus Christ Superstar, and be a manager, Jesus Christ, at the same time? That will get awfully confusing quickly.
By all means, my fine feather friend, get out now. Waddle your little duck ass right out of here, since it's clearly easy to confuse "awfully quickly" someone with a brain the size of a shelled cashew.
DeleteYour 'Superstar' is a false idol. Champion, yes. However, no confusion between a man in a costume and a man of the cloth. I have prepared the way for three young men who will become my new Holy Trinity. And this friday it will be a deadly genesis indeed! Much like my father banished two in the begining, my Matsumoto will take your false idols championship and banish you from the garden that is the champions circle! Peacebe with you ...
ReplyDeleteAnother match has been signed for Deadly Genesis II!
ReplyDeleteLobo Uno, Lee Harvey Awesome, Cobra Jaguar, Franklin Lloyd Right, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and Diesel Injun will compete in an 8-man over the top rope battle royal.
(please note that no points will be on the line for this or the World's Championship match)
Well, well, well. It appears that the welfare line is going to be a little bit shorter this season. Unfortunately that means I have to share oxygen with a rabble of talking animals with nothing to say, false idols (or should I say, unemployed hippies), prepubescent urchins (wasn't that done last season?), alcoholic Native Americans waiting for a handout, and meth-addled truckers too busy slurpling unborn Americans from urinals in truckstops. At least there's no gingers around this season.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to the Persuader and Franklin Lloyd RIGHT taking out the garbage this upcoming Friday.
In all seriousness, why is there a duck managing? Clearly ducks are not citizens of this great nation, being as they are the offspring of animals. Just another aspect of the liberal agenda, broadcasting homosexality and bestiality directly into our children's bedrooms. Well, as soon as ol' Rush takes over this scene there's going to be a few changes around here.
Hear me now, and understand me later, freak. The One True God, Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour, would never allow a duck to come into his holey trinity.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping to hear your insights on the state of Fantasy Unliited Championship Rasslin, Mr. Limbaugh.
ReplyDeleteClearly this six-man elimination chamber is the working of a godless, commie liberal conspiracy. Oh, let's level the playing field so everyone has an equal opportunity. Don't let the cream rise to the top, instead, make it easier for the drunks, drug addicts, welfare abusers and those others who refuse to pull themselves up by the bootstraps to obtain (NOT earn) a shot at the World Championship. Try to hurt those such as The Millionaire, who have earned their righteous position through hard work and perseverance. Why do these libarals hate success? Because they can not earn it themselves.
Good to hear from you Mr. Limbaugh. I wish you the best of luck this season, but I know that whatever prizes you EARN will be EARNED and not given.
Indeed Mr. Minkey. I have no doubts that my fine stable, The Moral Majority, face an uphill battle this season. Not only do we face the political extremism of the hard core Left Wing fanatics of Jesus' stable, but we face an aggressive media campaign designed to keep the gold in the hands of the radicalized hordes of savages, fresh from their liquor fueled reservation orgies and human sacrifices.
ReplyDeleteBut trust me, The Persuader will have no reservations about doling out the pain to the would-be usurpers of American freedom. Clearly I speak for all of FUCR's fans when I say that we want a clean season based on merit and skill, not knob-shining and homosexual teachers' union conspiracies.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!
ReplyDeleteRush, I know you like hearing the sound of your own voice as you read your posts over and over to yourself, but much like everything else you're spewing about... why does a duck need to be a citizen "of our great nation" in order to compete in FUCR?
ReplyDelete- I'm pretty sure your "Lord and Savior" Jesus Christ isn't an American citizen either.
- And I read on the internet that Popping Corn is Canadian. Damn, Looks like the stupid Americans might be outnumbered.
-And do you really believe Truck Drivor really gives a FUCK about any of this!?! All he does is drive trucks and KICK ASS. He doesn't have TIME for any of this bullshit.
Is this entire season going to be "Left wing" this and "right wing" that and "how dare you call me a conservative?" and all other political jargon crap?
ReplyDeleteFantasy Rasslin Leagues are for escaping those people and their moronic views. This is a forum for laughs and happiness. How much happiness can there be if republicans are around?
It's not too early for him to be abducted and replaced *hint*hint*.
Or not. I guess every federation needs its heel.
So many letters, and all I see is "quack quack quack". Clearly what we have here is a water fowl who has inherited his wealth from hard working parents, suckling off the teat of mommy and daddy duck. It's bad enough that we have hipsters ruining our fine American cities with their vintage clothes and ironic eyeglasses. Now we have to deal with ducks watering down our competitive sports entertainment! "Laughs and happiness"? Oh good sir, please don't insult our fine listeners with your sunshine and rainbow blather. The 60s are over my friend, the hippies lost! And as for replacing anyone, to replace you all it would take would be Ritz cracker crumbs, a box, a stick and some string.
ReplyDeleteFantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin neither condones nor endorses any political ideology. We also do not believe in censoring anyone on these message boards. Whether you want to discuss politics or digging up the corpse of your opponents' grandmother and skullfucking her until her aged skull is rendered unto dust, we're not here to shut you up or shut you down.
ReplyDeleteNow let's all play fair and whatever you do - don't play nice!
That's fine. It'll be just like Ceasar Romero from last season, just read the sentences where he actually mentions rasslin... the rest is just opinions and assholes.
ReplyDeleteOh this is just fucking delicious. Peking duck, anyone? Ha ha! Just kidding, we don't eat that commie food in Rush Limbaugh's FUCR!
ReplyDeleteTally ho!!!
I have been waiting to respond to all of this chatter I am hearing, but the super bowl is upon us and I am getting peppered with requests from Ray Lewis and his friends ... Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, you speak as if you were my father! Well, I have looked in my fathers 'book' and you have a long way to go before you are back in his good graces. I, however, am a forgiving man. I have no duck in my holy trinity, Rush. My holy trinity are three men that I pulled straight from the book of revelations. They mete out justice. They are the 'death bringers.' The cock wil crow many times before you need me, but know that you will need my protection soon. Your fate will be decided by your actions and your 'political' affiliaion will have nothing to do with it nor will it protect you! Hippie, yes. Liberal, who's to say. I am guilty of being many things. But I haven't heard someone run on at the mouth like you since my last supper! No, not that one. My supper last night with Alex Jones. The man has the right ta ta, but the wrong ho ho! And Millionaire, Mr. Romero is a dear friend of the Lords. His tawdry tales were too much to turn away! I heard of some backroom dealings between you and him. It is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom ... Ahh, that was just written to freak people out. Can you spare me some cash? Im DYING to go to the olive garden again! Also, I Poppin Corn is not canadian. He is a native american himself and I appeared and spoke to his acestors. You can rea about it in the book of mormon. I'm feeling that itch in the back of my neck. Tebow is calling. Peace to all ...
ReplyDelete*CLAP*CLAP*CLAP*CLAP*
ReplyDeleteAnd with that... the manager of managers makes his arrival.
now back to the stand O!
*CLAP*CLAP*CLAP*CLAP* etc.
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! Well it looks like the Hippy Christ found at least one sheep for his flock.
ReplyDeleteIt is truly unfortunate that so many liberal types rely on the kind effeminate "Christ", rather than the one true Jesus Christ that made America what it USED TO BE! I'm not sure what you're getting at, Mr. Christ, but you sure seem to be talking quite a bit about crowing cocks and "backroom dealings". Clearly we have here another example of the Liberal Media pushing their homosexual agenda on true Americans!
Thank you.
ReplyDelete