Welcome, wrestling fans, to the biggest event of the season (so far). Not only will the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare be defending his title against #1 contender Franklin Lloyd Right, Capitol Punishment is also home to the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix. Dating back to 1998, the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World was the top prize in professional fantasy wrestling for many years. Now, it is defending annually in an ever-evolving tournament.
Here's how it works: Round One will feature stable vs. stable action and more violence than a gaggle of studs let loose in a barn full of fillies. The matches will be fought elimination style and the survivors will each receive 3 points for victory.
Round Two is a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match. The competitors will receive 3 points for each pinfall (or submission) they score and an additional 3 points for overall victory? Confused? Too bad! Let's get to the ring...
1) The first match pitted Jesus Christ, Manager of Manager's stable against Poppin' Corn's Dog Soldiers. These two managers have fought tooth and nail over differences in faith and today, it all comes to a head. And it went down like this:
* Diesel Injun pinned Dr. Matsumoto @ 15:17
* Michael Three-Cheeses pinned Lee Harvey Awesome @ 17:35
* Manitou McIntosh pinned Orville Knorville @ 19:48
3pts = Diesel Injun
3pts = Michael Three-Cheeses
3pts = Manitou McIntosh
2) Next up, The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team took on Grapplecats... but since Tiger Nightmare is in the main event, we're letting him save himself and giving him the match off. So the match ended up going like this...
* Cobra Jaguar made "Kingbee" Willy Malone tap @ 14:51
* Cobra Jaguar was counted out @ 15:12 when an outside-the-ring scuffle with JC Superstar went on a little too long!
* JC Superstar pinned Battle Cat @ 17:08
3pts = JC Superstar
3pts = Chadillac
3) The next match saw the Deadly Friends take on Mick Drivor's team of ... uh... well, we don't have a catchy name for them. But they're really tough. And the same rules applied to the Deadly Friends - we let FLR have the match off to prepare for his title shot. But just as the match was about to start, who should run to the ring but last year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy!
He said there was no way he was going to let the show go on without him and he took the injured Sgt. Octopus' place! As the current reigning Hungarian Champion, we couldn't stop him - plus, he invoked the legendary Bowl Clause in order to insert himself in the match!
* Lobo Uno pinned Persuader @ 16:37
* Phantom Dandy pinned Hannibal Murdoch @ 18:37
3pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = Chico Malaise'
4) Tonight's main event was a classic scientific match-up of epic proportions between Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Tiger Nightmare - the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion. The match saw managers on both sides attempt to cheat in order to score victory. The match saw blood, sweat and tears. And finally, the match saw this...
Your winner and STILL World's Champion: Tiger Nightmare!
3pts = Tiger Nightmare
5) Finally, it was time for the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix finale. Per the rules, only 6 men can enter the Thunderdome, so Diesel Injun drew the short straw in order to leave two representatives from each team. Phantom Dandy, having pulled a hamstring during the previous match, sat this one out. The match went like this...
* Manitou McIntosh started the match against his own partner, Michael Three-Cheeses!
* At 1:00, Lobo Uno entered the fray!
* JC Superstar was next in at the 2 minute mark!
* Chadillac was the next entrant at 3 minutes.
* Finally, Chico Malaise' was buzzed in and the War Games began...
* Lobo Uno pinned Michael Three-Cheeses @ 5:10
* Lobo Uno made the Chadillac tap at 7:06
* JC Superstar pinned Manitou McIntosh @ 7:58
* Chico Malaise' pinned his own partner, Lobo Uno, @ 10:18
Chico Malaise pinned JC Superstar @ 11:54 to win! He was granted possession of the old Hungarian Championship belt by Phantom Dandy. In addition, he has the right to challenge for a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship at any time, under whatever stipulation he chooses!
6pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = JC Superstar
6pts = Chico Malaise
Check the Rasslin' Bidness page to see the month-end score totals! Make a challenge for next week! Remember that Sgt. Octopus and Chadillac are both on the injured list!
What an utter travesty of justice and perversion of the honor of sportsmanship! Frankling Lloyd Right, clearly the superior athlete, was robbed of his rightful title. Really this isn't a surprising turn, as FUCR is pandering to the illegals crowd by turning a bunch of taco munchers into "respectable" Americans. Irregardless, FLR The Architect of Pain deserves, nay DEMANDS that he prove his mettle. Let's not call it a comeback, Franklin's been here for years, let's just make it happen. In a god damned cage with American flags on top, not the damn banner of Mexico like FUCR would like it to be. Time to set the record straight, remember the Alamo!
ReplyDeleteSo what I'm trying to say is that FLR demands a rematch against Tiger Nightmare.
ReplyDeleteAnother FUCR event, another promise from the white man lies in tatters on the ground, blowing away in the wind like so many dried leaves of fall.
ReplyDeleteMick "TRUCK" Drivor, you have performed admirably. We congratulate your man Chico Malaise' on his prize. But we remind you that there is one man Chico Malaise did not step into the ring with.
And so, DIESEL INJUN challenges Chico Malaise' for that belt you were presented with. DIESEL INJUN, in accordance with the age old tradition, INVOKES THE SACRED BOWL CLAUSE. We smoke the peace pipe with you and Chico Malaise' must now put the Hungarian Title on the line.
We are not interested in your World's Title shot. You earned that and we value the white man's gold as much as we value the white man's god.
Time to put-em-up or shut-em-up.
Chico Malaise has no problem smoking your bowl and then kicking your ASS! This belt was presented to him because he earned it so if you think your man enough to take it, come get some. Lobo Uno has a score to settle one on one with that little pussy Cobra Jaguar so lets do it to it and keep this roll going! Me and my Mechanix are just getting started and we aint slowing up anytime soon. That's right if your keeping score at home it's Mick & the Mechanix!
ReplyDeleteNow here's a first! We've never had a situation where the #1 contender, after being defeated, challenged for a rematch... but since there's nothing in the rules forbidding it, and Rush Limbaugh is such a persuasive orator, we're going to run with it!
ReplyDeleteIn addition, we've consulted with the Hungarian Fantasy Wrestling Council and we've been given their approval to reinstate the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World as an active title! Ladies and gentlemen, the oldest and most prestigious championship, with a lineage dating back to the 20th century... is back. And we're not ashamed to say that we've got a tear in our eye. Hungarian title matches won't be worth any extra points and the rules concerning this title won't be as strict as the World's Championship, but we think that the honor and glory of this belt is worth a whole lot more than an extra point.
So here's next week so far...
1) TIGER NIGHTMARE vs. FRANKLIN LLOYD RIGHT - steel cage WORLD'S CHAMPIONSHIP rematch - worth 4 points!
2) CHICO MALAISE' vs. DIESEL INJUN - for the Hungarian Championship!
3) LOBO UNO vs. COBRA JAGUAR!
Who's next?
Damn...shut out again? So...a rematch for this loser? In a cage? Cats don,t like cages! And since my man already whipped your defunct ass once, I don't think you get to call any shots! I got a stipulation....if anything, We want a lumberjack match!
ReplyDeleteis it Friday already?
ReplyDeleteYou don't call the shots, PIMPLE-ASS! My man Rush does! Ain't that right Rush, buddy? Ain't that right?
ReplyDeletechadillac challenges persuader.
ReplyDeleteWell little ducky, it looks like you were phoning it in last night! If you recall correctly, the Chadillac injured his penis bone and is ineligible, BECAUSE I SNAPPED IT OFF WITH MY ASS CHEEKS! So why don't you go down to your little practice space, talk to one of your other little wrestlers, and see if one of them has the balls to face me, THE PERSADER!
ReplyDeletePERSUADERRRRRRRRRRRR...
We're pretty sure that The Chadillac was injured by Lobo Uno, but... who knows what happened when the cameras stopped rolling? At any rate, The Millionaire's challenge is rendered null and void.
ReplyDeleteThe question on everyone's mind right now is whether or not Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers will show up to issue a challenge or if he's hiding in a cave behind a rock like last week?
I'm sure he's hiding in a cave with his Taliban friends, hating our freedoms.
ReplyDeleteUpon re-reading the results from CAPITOL PUNISHMENT, we realized that both "Kingbee" Willy Malone and Chadillac were injured, leaving The Millionaire with only one man in his stable.
ReplyDeleteAfter further consultation with FUCR's resident doctor, Sydney M. Basil, MD, the Board of Directors feels that The Chadillac is significantly less injured than Willy Malone. Thusly, his match with the Persuader is ON!
3/8
1) TIGER NIGHTMARE vs. FRANKLIN LLOYD RIGHT - steel cage WORLD'S CHAMPIONSHIP rematch - worth 4 points!
2) CHICO MALAISE' vs. DIESEL INJUN - for the Hungarian Championship!
3) LOBO UNO vs. COBRA JAGUAR!
4) PERSUADER vs. THE CHADILLAC
5) JC SUPERSTAR & MICHAEL THREE CHEESES vs. LEE HARVEY AWESOME & ORVILLE KNORVILLE