Ladies and gentlemen, it was another insane night of action in the FUCR Arena!
Per the rules of Celebrity GM Night, FUCR Superfan Mickey Rooney was given free rein to create whatever stipulations he wanted for each match. And boy, did he ever!
1) The first match featured Hannibal Murdoch (Rush Limbaugh) vs. Diesel Injun (Poppin Corn) - it was a battle of opposing viewpoints as well as a test of skills. And Mickey Rooney demanded that the match be fought under 2-out-of-3-falls rules!
Diesel Injun scored the first pin after 8 minutes and 3 seconds of intense action and a second pinfall at 8:18.
3pts = Diesel Injun via pinfall @ 8:18
2) Lobo Uno & Chico Malaise' (Mick "Truck" Drivor) went up against Dr. Matsumoto & Orville Knorvil (Jesus Christ) in a World Tag Team tournament match. 14 grueling minutes later, we had winners when Chico Malaise' pinned former World's Champion Dr. Matsumoto.
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @ 14:15
3pts = Lobo Uno
3) Manitou McIntosh (Poppin' Corn) vs. JC Superstar (Millionaire) ended in a shocking upset when McIntosh knocked the former World's Champion out cold!
3pts = Manitou McIntosh via KO @ 4:35
4) When Franklin Lloyd Right (Limbaugh) stepped into a steel cage with Battle Cat (Simon Pimpleton), it was assumed that the Architect of Pain would walk out victorious. That assumption was false.
3pts = Battle Cat via pinfall @ 3:16
5) The main event featured "Kingbee" Willy Malone (Millionaire) vs. World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare (Pimpleton) ... Celebrity General Manager Mickey Rooney declared that this title match would be a LADDER MATCH, with the belt suspended 15 feet above the ring. The match was intensity in ten cities. It was a test of wills and a test of strength.
In the end, It was "Kingbee" Willy Malone who snatched the title belt to become the NEW World's Heavyweight Champion!
4pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone @ 13:01
After the match, the arena was filled with yellow and black confetti. Malone's mother, Queen Bee (of the famed Hive) joined him in the ring... as did his alleged father, fantasy wrestling legend "Kingpin" Billy LaLonde! All was well and good and the crowd rejoiced in their new champion... until Chico Malaise's music filled the arena.
Malaise', accompanied by his manager Mick "Truck" Drivor, reminded the fans that the current reigning and defending Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World was also the #1 contender to the World's Championship... and a match was going to take place right then and there!
It took 8 minutes and 8 seconds exactly. It was no-holds barred. It was blood and guts and in the end... "Kingbee" silenced the critics and successfully defended his newly-won championship. (no points were awarded for this impromptu match)
** And that's our show! Time to make your challenges, managers... **
Current World Tag Team Tournament Standings:
Mechanix - 1 victory, 0 losses
Matsumoto & Knorvil - 0 victories, 1 loss
Chadillac & Superstar - 0 victories, 0 losses
We're not going to enforce any rules regarding the World Tag Team Championship Tournament... but we're going to remind everyone that if the team of Chico Malaise' & Lobo Uno win one more match, they'll be awarded the titles. Of course, they'll have to defeat Chadillac and JC Superstar in order to do that.
ReplyDeleteGAME ON!
Hey! Do you think maybe WE could run our own league without you guys butting in all the time?
ReplyDeleteJust a reminder - if Chico Malaise' & Lobo Uno can defeat Chadillac & JC Superstar, they'll be awarded the tag titles! However, if Superstar & Chadillac can defeat the team of Dr. Matsumoto & Orville Knorvil, then we will see the MECHANIX take on THE MILLIONAIRE'S MILLION DOLLAR DREAM TEAM at our next Free-For-View - the Annual Wheezleton Memoriale!
And it's NEXT WEEK! That's right, NEXT FRIDAY marks another fine tradition: the ANNUAL WHEELZETON MEMORIALE with CHEESE, named after the founder of the Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin, Charles Wheezleton and his uncle, Ebeneezer Wheezleton.
Make your challenges... the results will be posted early next week (maybe Wednesday?) and the Free-For-View results will be posted next Friday, March 29, 2013.
Well, WE would like to remind everyone that Chico Malaise's Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World was NOT on the line in that World's Championship match! He is still the Hungarian Champion!
ReplyDeleteTiger Nightmare demands his rematch! What a fluke! Buzzbox Silly Telephone is going down! You know what wasn't a fluke, though? Franklin Lloyd Wrong getting his ass kicked...again by the Grapplecats! Suck it, Rush!
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the managers must be too hung over from partying on the annual FUCR Spring Break Bruise Cruise - only Simon Pimpleton, who is too young to drink, got on to make a challenge. But what a challenge!
ReplyDeleteNext week - the rematch! Newly crowned WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION "KINGBEE" WILLY MALONE vs. TIGER NIGHTMARE! One on one! Mano y mano! Man vs. Man! Bee vs. Tiger!
HOLY CRAP!! Would you look at that!?! KingBee finally decided to show up and SHOW UP HE DID!!!
ReplyDeleteI do have one question, Why were no points awarded for KingBee's 2nd win of the night. If it were a match not suddenly added, it would most definitely be worth points. There is NO reason to take points out of KingBee's pocket... HE EARNED THOSE POINTS JUST AS chicko EARNED HIS WHENEVER SHOT!!
OMG! Is that the FUCR crowd beginning to chant? (faintly off in the distance of FUCR Arena we can hear a climbing chant) "GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS!"
It just seems to be getting louder. It's music to my ears, but I have no idea how the FUCR board of directors can concentrate with all of this screaming from the FUCR stockholders and world-class fans. IT'S A FEVER PITCH!!!
GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS!
Who has more pull here in FUCR, the directors or the FANS who keep this great federation going year after year!?!
Chickhole, Hopefully your rematch will be fruitfull... AS A LADDER MATCH!! Cuz it wasn't the first time!!
ReplyDeleteAnd it seems that since 1 of my guys is already booked, it looks like that precious "tag-team championship" can't take anymore steps until my guys are all good and ready.
Sgt Octopussy, prepare to get your ass handed to you by CHADILLAC!! He may look like a ford focus, but he runs like a CHAMPION... BECAUSE HE RUNS WITH CHAMPIONS!!
Manitobe Macklemore your about to be run down. Chico Malaise, the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Peoples champ is about to take care of business and work his way back up to the top of the heap. It's a long road and you are going to be left in the dust. Looks like the Mechanix will finish the job next week. Roll on!
ReplyDeleteL<isten Rubber Duck...you don't call the shot around here, so take that ladder climb back up it, into your mom's pussy, and shiver with fear until next week, when Tiger Nightmare whips your boy's ass in a NO DQ MATCH for the strap!You try to make rules? WE FUCKING BREAK 'EM!
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to climb a ladder, Simon, I'll hold it steady for you. You can trust me with anything.
DeleteYou've certainly grown a lot since Uncle Jerry last had access to the internet. You look like you've grown ten or eleven years in such a short time. My, you've certainly filled out your britches. Is that a 30'' inseam? Do you have a Tumblr? I'm not sure what a NO DQ is but it sounds exciting. And a strap!
Gotta go, Simon. I ran out of cigarettes and have to pay for internet time by... Well, let's just say I think about you a whole lot here, in both the good and bad times. Good luck, I hope you win. Bye, Simon.
Rush Limbaugh here. Congratulations to the Millionaire, clearly King Bee was robbed. ROBBED I TELLS YA! Irregardless, Franklin Lloyd Right was also robbed, robbed by a little bob-tailed kitten called Battle Cat. He demands a rematch! No gimmicks, no ladders, none of that namby pamby crap. Just good old fashioned squared circle fisticuffs, the American way!
ReplyDeleteSimon, the stip for the match was already set. You have to CLIMB your way to SUCKsess, Ya DUMBASS!!
ReplyDeleteMy GAWD!! Are they still chanting "GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! GIVE KINGBEE HIS POINTS! ..."
The FUCR fans can't stop! I tried to get them to chill out, but they have spoken.
Two things that have long been established in FUCR:
ReplyDelete1) A stable is able to gain up to 6 pts (3pts per match) each week, plus any extra points that come with a title victory.
2) The re-challenger (that is to say, the manager asking for a rematch) is the one who picks the stipulation, NOT the challengee.
Your comments have been noted, Millionaire. But the FUCR Board of Directors can not be bought!
NEXT WEEK'S MATCHES:
ReplyDelete1) Franklin Lloyd Right vs. Battle Cat - rematch
2) Manitou McIntosh vs. Chico Malaise'
3) Chadillac vs. Sgt. Octopus
4) Tiger Nightmare vs. "Kingbee" Willy Malone - Hardcore, No Holds-barred, No DQ re-match for the World's Championship!
Will we hear from Poppin' Corn? And is Jesus Christ even playing any more?
Dammit, we hate to agree with those assholes at FUCR and god knows we feel bad about this, but they're right.
ReplyDeleteSorry, Millionaire. We'll try to make it up to you, brother. Let's talk shop over brunch this weekend. Cool?
Oh and... fuck you, FUCR. The Hungarian Title is on the line in that Malaise'/McIntosh match.
Is the Millionaire Chippewa? Is he Cherokee? I seem to recognize his treatment at the hands of his captors and it is similar to the treatment my people faced.
ReplyDeleteNo matter. If Malaise' wants to put his Hungarian Title on the line, we will take it.
Now, let the Persuader accept the challenge of the leader of our group, Michael Three Cheeses. Let it be done as surely as a bear poops in the woods.
You got it, Chief. Same deal as last time, you bring the squas, I'll bring the blow... er uh, fire water, was it? I don't think it even matters. My trick knee is tingling (you know, the one I injured during Vietnam) which always signals some epic failure. I'm going to interpret this as a sign that the league is no longer solvent and is going to go belly up, and soon. I trust this tingle so much that I'm willing to put my enormous cash reserves into action and put forward an offer to buy FUCR.
ReplyDeleteYou hear that VGWA? I want to put up some cold hard cash and purchase this floundering league, maybe add some pizzazz and bedazzle things up. Maybe turn it into a virtual condo for trust fund hipsters and record stores that sell vinyl toys. So what do you say VGWA? Let's talk turkey. I'll write a number on this napkin and slide it across the table, you circle it and draw a thumbs up and pass it back if you agree.
That's the first option, and I'm sure you'll find that option much more to your liking than my second option. If the FUCR is no longer solvent or is unable to carry on its duties my lawyers have written up a hostile takeover contract that stipulates that "any online fantasy videogame wrestling organization that is unable or unwilling to carry out its stated function is available to be purchased by a private citizen or corporation that is capable of putting forth more than 120% of estimated value". Well, my lawyers and accountants have been doing some digging, and it looks like FUCR isn't worth shit. Well, I have 120% of "shit", so this league better prove that it's in full functioning order, or pretty soon you'll all be participating in Rush Limbaugh Presents Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin in a few weeks.
FUCR, you've been warned. VGWA, let's talk. Millionaire, I like you kid, and you've proven a good protege and sidekick. I'll let you in on this deal with 30% of profits with only a 25.8% buy in. Let's do this.
I don't know, sounds a lil' fishy. A few seasons ago, I dumped a bunch of money into this place just to help finish the season. But I just wanted to help the fed, I didn't want to OWN it. I'm not sure I understand the idea of owning anything you don't know anything about just to turn a profit. That is not how I became a millionaire.
ReplyDelete...but a 22.3% buy-in with the 30% profits sounds a little better to me.
Well this is embarrassing!
ReplyDelete