* RESULTS * MARCH 15, 2013 *

As this week's show opened, the crowd was near-riot.  Signs and chanting demanded an answer to a question that has been asked all season... WHO IS SIMON PIMPLETON'S FATHER?

It had been largely assumed that Jim and Cheryl Halstedder, the owner/operator duo who control Opulence Unlimited International, the largest sex toy distributer in North America and some parts of China, were Simon's parents.  But as it would turn out, Cheryl couldn't quite promise anyone that she was 100% certain that Jim was the father.  And recent DNA tests proved that Jim was not, in fact, the sperm donor who planted his seed in Cheryl's fertile love garden.

So who IS Simon's father?  Maury Povich is here tonight and he says he will have an answer!  But first, let's get down to the ring where the first round of a tournament to crown NEW World Tag Team Champions is being held...

1)  First up, we've got Manitou McIntosh and Michael Three Cheeses, collectively known as The Dog Soldiers taking on The Millionaire's team of former World's Champion JC Superstar and The Chadillac ...



3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 10:01
3pts = Chadillac

What you didn't see there was Rush Limbaugh sitting in the front row.  While the cameras didn't quite catch it, Rush produced a roll of Sacajawea dollars and struck both McIntosh and Three Cheeses with it, ensuring that The Millionaire's team would secure the win!  Immediately after this heinous act, Limbaugh excited the arena through the crowd, surrounded by a team of security officers.

After the match, "Kingbee" Willy Malone hit the ring and all three members of The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team dispensed with the Native American warriors, perhaps finally ending this bitter feud... and another feud has begun?  Only time and another week or so will tell.

2) Next, the largely delinquent Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers has been given one more chance by the FUCR and VGWA Boards of Directors as two of his stable members - Orville Knorville and former World's Champion Dr. Matsumoto - have teamed up to take on two members of The Deadly Friends - Franklin Lloyd Right and former World's Champion The Persuader. 



3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @ 14:16
3pts = Orville Knorville

Moments later, Maury Povich was in the ring with Cheryl Halstedder and Simon Pimpleton.  They were joined by FUCR's resident physician, Dr. Sydney M. Basil, along with all of the men Cheryl could remember sleeping with during the time period when Simon was conceived...

Count Dante
Charles Minkey
Rush Limbaugh
Mickey Rooney

One by one, Cheryl kissed each man on the cheek, perhaps remembering the glory days of her youth, when she bedded many a young stud and spread her legs like a chef spreads butter.  Delicately and evenly across the entire world (or slice of bread, as it were).  Though it had been years, it was clear that each man remembered their night or nights of splendor with Cheryl... for what man could forget her loving touch? 

Finally, Maury Povich invited Dr. Basil to open the envelope and reveal who Simon Pimpleton's father was.  Each man had submitted to a DNA test and in the end, as Dr. Basil opened the envelope to reveal its contents, they each held their breath.  Finally, Dr. Sydney M. Basil read the test results, which revealed...

NONE of these men were Simon's father!  Cheryl turned a spectacular shade of crimson as the crowd chanted "Slut!" ... Simon burst into tears and quickly removed his sweater and wrapped it around his waist in an attempt to hide the fact that he had clearly soiled his pants.  Everyone left the ring in embarrassment leaving fans wondering just who Simon Pimpleton's REAL father was!

3) Finally, the main event.  Chico Malaise' and Lobo Uno vs. the self-proclaimed greatest tag team in FUCR - Cobra Jaguar and Battle Cat - the Grapplecats!



3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @ 11:03
3pts = Lobo Uno

****** 
And that's the show for this week!  The teams of Lobo Uno & Chico Malaise', Orville Knorville & Dr. Matsumoto and JC Superstar and the Chadillac all advance in the tag team tournament. 

It will be a round-robin tournament and each team must do battle ... whichever team leads in victories will be crowned World Tag Team Champions.

We don't care which match takes place next week - we don't even care if ANY of those matches take place next week - we'll leave that to the managers.  But if you want the tournament to keep moving, one of you has to issue a challenge! 

Everybody else - let's see some fucking singles matches, eh?  If you're not in the tournament, you are forbidden from wrestling in tag matches! 

*******