With sadness in our hearts, we bring you the results of the Wheezleton Memoriale. This year, the event will be held with more than just Charles "Stinkyteats" and Ebeneezer Wheezleton in mind... this year, we also honor the twelve FUCR wrestlers who lost their lives.
This year, out of respect for those who died, there will be no points on the line in the Wheezleton Memoriale - save for the 1 point awarded to the winner, who shall be crowned the NEW World's Heavyweight Championship.
The entrants are as follows...
Lobo Uno - Mick "Truck" Drivor
The Thrillionaire - The Millionaire
The Chadillac - The Amazing Simon Pimpleton
Sgt. Octopus - Rush Limbaugh
J.C. Superstar - Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers
and the current reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion, "Kingbee" Willy Malone, represented by Poppin' Corn.
While we recognize that draft didn't exactly shake out to everyone's liking, we ask you to remember that it was, in fact, 100% random and we also ask that you remember The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, Dr. Matsumoto, Orville Knorvil, Chico Malaise', Tiger Nightmare, Cobra Jaguar, Battle Cat, Michael Three-Cheeses, Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh. Remember that they died and respectfully shut the fuck up.
Now, on to the match!
1) Sgt. Octopus pinned JC Superstar @ 4:20
2) Chadillac pinned the Thrillionaire @ 4:32
3) Lobo Uno pinned Kingbee @ 5:22
4) Chadillac pinned Lobo Uno @ 8:15
5) Chadillac pinned Sgt. Octopus @ 9:57 to become the NEW Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion!
The only existing footage of the event is this grainy fan-cam work...
Well, that's it. We've got four weeks left in this, the most bittersweet of seasons and you've got to get your challenges in. It is with heavy hearts that these six competitors continue on their path to yet another season marked with an asterisk in the record books..
It seemed only fitting that Mother Nature would grant me the buzz of the bee along with the World's Championship. It seems only fitting that the white man would find a way to snake away the title and steal the sting from the bee.
ReplyDeleteNo matter. With "Kingbee" Willy Malone in my stable, I demand what is rightfully mine. The sky, the sun, the stars and the earth all belong to no man - red or white. But a rematch for the World Championship is mine to claim. Make it so. And once again, make it a ladder match, so that the King of Bees may again ascend to greatness, this time under my watch.
With the remains of Hannibal Murdoch, the Persuader and FLR still smoldering, Sgt. Octopus stepped up and showed that we only need one Deadly Friend in Rush's stable! In celebration of Sarge's good showing I'm going to pound a fistful of oxycontin, down a fifth of Jack, and angrily shine my gurkin while accusing female law students of being stupid, fat, drug-addled prostitutes. I know, I know! But that's what makes it great! USA! USA! USA!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, this shit's already kicking in. Whoa. Uh...
ReplyDeleteOh... Sgt. Octopus will take on Lobo Uno... banoono... octophoonoooooo... thumfalooooooooooo... Where's my damn viagra... spudoooomooooooo... oh sweet god my fingernails are filled with stars...
How appropriate that a REAL, TRUE American such as Sgt. Octopus would find himself free from the clutches of a pill addicted lot lizard love-making jerkhole such as, Mick "the truck" Driver! and in the hands of a capable manager such as RUSH LIMBAUGH!
ReplyDeleteGo America! I will be rooting for you all the way, now.
Also, gay marriage is an abomination.
Next week looks like this...
ReplyDelete1) Lobo Uno vs. Sgt. Octopus
2) Chadillac vs. "Kingbee" Willy Malone - ladder rematch for the World's Championship
3) Thrillionaire vs. JC Superstar - does anybody want to add a stipulation?
just gimme that TOOT TOOT! Just gimme that BEEP BEEP! Runnin my hands through my fro, bouncin on 24's....! Somebody got a driver's permit...and now I'm drivin' THE CHADILLAC! To coin a phrase from Truck Drivor....BE PREPARED TO GET RUN THE FUCK OVER!!! Oh, and by the way...That's TWO world champs that I've managed this season...RIP TIGER...you will be missed my friend. Meow meow...
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is the Pabst tlkin, but I think the Millionare is owed something. Something great, because Millionares are what MAKE this country great, with their movement and purchasing and thriving the economy.
ReplyDeleteSince the Millionare was SCREWED out of his title and his stable and even his rematch, I think the match between Chadillac and KIngbee should be a 3-wya dance with the THRILLionaire thrown in there, too!
FUCR, the Millinare is a MAN of the People. The Peoples Champ!!!! Give us what we want which is him to get another shot at the gold!
Dadgum, consarnit and so forth...
ReplyDeleteTHAT MINKEY MONKEY IS RIGHT!
I'm a people and the people have spoken, FUCR! Give that Millionaire another shot! Heck, it's not as though Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers has even been ON the boards all season! He's like Myrna Loy under the covers. Sure, it's enough to make it worth your while, but really you hardly even know he's there. But I've shared more of my personal life than a gentleman should.
I say, if it's on...well then IT'S ON, MUTHAFUCKA"!!! If we're gonna fix it, though...fix it right! As a tribute to our fallen brothers...and as the manager of the champ, I say it would be disgraceful to do anything else but a 5 MAN ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH! Come on FUCR! The WHEEZLETON MEMORIAL MEMORIAL 5 MAN FANDANGO! For the strap! If my man has any clout as champ, and if you have any respect for the lives of the forsaken, then you'll grant this request!
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to have a moment of silence for the 27 lives lost to me, personally, that day...the 9 lives each of The Battlecat, Tiger Nightmare, and Cobra Jaguar. Y'all were the cat's pajamas...
and if you need 6 men for the elimination chamber, well then just yank some guy out of the crowd...give Minkey a shot...he's an old jarhead...we don't care...just make it happen...
ReplyDelete-take away my LIVING stable, give them to my opponents.
ReplyDelete-take away my championship belt, ranDUMBly give it to a manager who didn't earn it. There is NO logical reason to strip my guy of the belt? He did nothing to get it stripped from him!
-take away my rematch clause... how can I rematch when MY GUY (Chadillac) beat MY GUY (KingBee) to win the belt.
I guess this old punching bag is forced to go the way of Jesus Christ Manager of Managers... but not because I'm a pussy like him, it's because CLEARLY fucr does not want me here!!
NO OTHER MANAGER FROM ANY OTHER SEASON HAS BEEN FUCKED MORE THAN THIS.
Good Luck, FUCR! Hopefully none of the other managers get the shaft THIS BAD or you won't have a season to finish.
At least Jesus Christ eventually got down off his cross...but much like him...you sure can turn everything into "whine"! Haha bitch!
ReplyDeleteLove,
The Champ and his manager
easy for you to say, nobody took your champ and conveniently gave it to somebody else.
ReplyDeleteMy only question is: if we are continuing the same season, why wouldn't I have kept the belt? I WON/EARNED IT!!
New season? Sure, start with the belt up in the air.
But Same Season? now let's strip the belt off whatever piece of shit has it now. It didn't stop FUCR then, why would it stop them now?
SEASON... FAIL!!!
I think everyone should just take a shower and calm down. Simon, I brought an extra towel for you, just in case. Oops, it's a washcloth!
ReplyDeleteYou didn't win the belt, Millionaire; "Kingbee" Willy Malone won it. And he lost it yesterday in a 6-man elimination match - a 6-man elimination match that was held because of the fact that with 2/3 of the roster deceased, there was no #1 contender. So whether you had kept him or kept the belt, it wouldn't have mattered.
ReplyDeleteYou're also not the only manager who lost their stable. As a matter of fact, EVERY manager lost their stable. (Except Mick Drivor, who randomly drew Lobo Uno when the contracts were being handed out)
And as a matter of fact, we AGREE with Mr. Minkey and Mr. Rooney - you DO deserve a shot at the title and we want to make next week's match a three-way-dance!
But before we can book that match, we need to know - are you taking your ball and going home, or are you going to sack up and keep playing like the other managers, all of whom are in exactly the same situation as you?
For the first time, we have to agree with Mr. Sandusky... don't get your feathers ruffled!
Wah Wah Wah. O look the pennionairre is crying again. You think your the only one that lost out? My boys were about to win the tag team grand prix championship, the undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Peoples Champion is dead, and last I looked I was kicking your ass for the manager of the year. I just watched part of my former stable almost win the title! So shut the fuck up! Alot of good men have died and rather than wallow in the bullshit that is lost, like you, I am shifting into high gear and Rolling all the way to the top. The rest of this season I am dedicating to Chico Malaise who may well be the last Undisputed Hungarian Commonwelth Peoples Champion ever and one hell of a bad man! So I plan on winning the manager of the year for him. If you want to get the fuck out of the way right now it would probably be a good idea. Roll On!
ReplyDeleteso be it. let there be this... 3-way.
ReplyDeletepuck driver, Buttho Mayonnaise is Jerry Sandusky's fluffer... so go ahead and dedicate your year to guy who collects a pedophile's pre-jizz. you're gross!
and since there's no tag, let's get that hungarian belt back up and running!! MIGHT AS WELL!!!
I got a better idea...fuck the Millionaire! Your liitle bitch wrassler can HAVE the World title! I am not going to have the memories of our fallen wrasslers disgraced by a walking taco. So The Chadilllac hearby reliquishes all claims to the World Heavyweight Championship, and the benifits that go with it. I want to hold a belt that actually means something...so I challenge Lobo Uno for the now vacant Hungarian Commonwealth Peoples Heavyweight Championship....a title rich in history and tradition. I've packed a bowl, wolfman...care to smoke this fucking house down? By the way...did I mention I'd like to also make this a LADDER MATCH?!? Now, the millionaire can have a ONE WAY DANCE with himself....he's used to that. Maybe he could wrestle that broom over there...or he could have a knock down, drag out, donnybrook, with his ego and sense of entitlement. we don't care...we refuse to wreslte anyone associated with such a bitch. Strip me...please!!! I wanna shot at the Hungarian Title...make it a 2 man, 3 man, 4 man match...whatever...we don't care. as long as the duck and his tin strap aren't anywhere near my ring.
ReplyDeleteSTRIP YOU??!?!
DeleteBut I, we just can't...
Unnnggghhhhh...!!!
Sorry dick-zit, Lobo's busy that day getting his ass clowned by Sgt. Octopus. This league is falling apart. Between the Duck's tears and Simpleton's crying about the Duck's crying it's looking more and more like this league takes the short bus to the big show each Friday.
ReplyDeleteWhile the white man argues over who has been robbed the most, the Red Man laughs. For who has lost more than he? Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand... The bird will hunt and bee will sting; you can't take the sky from me.
ReplyDeleteIt matters not who we fight or what bauble the white man presents us. The true champion does not beg, nor cry. The true champion lies within... and he fights.
And so we shall.
Simon, you say fuck the millionaire then completely agree with my idea of bringing back the hungarian title. If you hate me so much, why do you LOVE my idea?
ReplyDeleteI think it's because you don't know how to give a proper compliment. "I hate you I hate you... I LOVE YOUR IDEA... I hate you I hate you." A little conflicted, are we, Simon?
We're all a little conflicted, Millionaire. All of us, every one. Except maybe the chief, he seems to have it together.
ReplyDeleteSimon, you ever been to a public pool?
Does that duck even know how to read? The Hungarian Title was reinstated OVER A MONTH AGO! Chico Malaise' was the champ and he defended it successfully against Diesel Injun.
ReplyDelete*******************************************
ReplyDeleteFUCR does not concern itself with politics nor personal squabbles amongst managers or wrestlers. FUCR is here to represent the finest in fantasy athletes in the virtual world.
For the first time ever, a reigning and defending Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion has willingly abdicated the title.
Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin, in addition to the major blow it was dealt when a airplane/tour bus collision killed the vast majority of its roster, is now facing a vacant World's Championship.
Tune in next week for... A SEASON IN TURMOIL!
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ReplyDeleteAccording to the bylaws of the Video Game Wrestling Alliance, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body in the wild world of professional fantasy wrestling, the top two contenders will vie for the vacated World's Heavyweight Championship. These men are "Kingbee" Willy Malone per his rematch stipulation of a ladder match, and The Thrillionaire, being given a shot due to the fact that his manager managed the former World's Champion before the event that forever shook the foundations of fantasy professional wrestling to its core.
Sadly, these events have brought our organization under the harsh lens of scrutiny utilized by other professional fantasy wrestling organizations to discredit the legitimacy of the championship. As such, we are no longer allowed to use the word "undisputed" in our title's title, per the dictates of PFWI - Professional Fantasy Wrestling Illustrated, the premier publication in the world of professional fantasy wrestling.
Regarding the Undisputed Hugarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World... controversy is nothing new to that title, the oldest title in professional fantasy video game wrestling, dating back to 1998. The situation will be dealt with as follows:
Chadillac vs. JC Superstar
Lobo Uno vs. Sgt. Octopus
These matches will be considered the first round in a tournament to crown a new Hungarian Champion.
We wish the best to all competitors and offer our full support to the FUCR Board of Directors, though their jobs are all definitely on shaky ground after all of this.
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It seems quite clear to me that the Millionare is the victim here. Maybe all of the other managers also lost their stables and have to start over with new wrestlers as well. Why does that make the Millionares struggles any less important? Isn't it clear he has suffered the worst, probably the worst of anyone in the history of this game?
ReplyDeleteIts like Black Entertainment Televsion. Why isn't there a White Entertainment Television? Why isn't there a WHITE history month? Why don't we have marches for straight marriage?
The Millionaires struggles are just like this. Everyone wants to feel sorry for the Indian or the black or the Jew, but why does the rich, cultured white man who has built his fortune spending his parents money get no sympathy? Didn't he also get hurt just as badly as every other manager?
Know that I stand behind you, Millionare. People like you, me and Rush Limbaugh need to stand up for ourselves and I'm glad you did!
God bless America!