It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks for FUCR, but we're continuing on the steady path of awesomeness that we've been known for since 2007.
Our first match was at the behest of the Chadillac and his manager Simon Pimpleton. A proud man and proud manager, they were disgusted with the politicking, complaints, kvetching and quacking which surrounded the World's Championship in the aftermath of the tragedy which took the lives of most of FUCR's roster. As a result, they chose to distance themselves from what they considered a stained title and enter into a tournament for the Hungarian Championship, which was once again declared vacant upon the death of current champion Chico Malaise'.
And in the first round, Chadillac went toe-to-toe with his former stablemate and a former World's Champion and Hungarian Champion in his own right, JC Superstar. After 5 minutes and 18 seconds, the Chadillac pinned the step-son of a carpenter!
6 pts = Chadillac via pinfall @5:18
2) Next up was another first round match in the tournament for the Undisputed Hungarian People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, the oldest title in professional video game wrestling history. Lobo Uno faced off against another former World's Champion in the form of Sgt. Octopus. The match featured over 100 near-pinfalls and spilled outside for a bit. In the end, Lobo Uno put the former Marine Corps drill instructor through a table, rendering him unable to answer the 10 count.
6pts = Lobo Uno via countout @ 12:43
(note: due to the altered nature of the season, we are awarding full points for count-out and DQ victories)
3) The main event was for the vacated World's Heavyweight Championship, a title that has fallen under much scrutiny and much dispute. The Thrillionaire, representing the Millionaire would battle "Kingbee" Willy Malone, a former understudy of the Millionaire now represented by Poppin' Corn!
It was a ladder match. It was insane. It was about 10 minutes long and after the intense battle, it's hard to say that the winner isn't the best wrestler in the world. And that man, for the second time, is "Kingbee" Willy Malone!
(note: due to the fucked-upedness of the title situation and since this isn't really a true rematch, this match is just worth 6 points plus the 1 point title bonus. It is not considered a rematch; simply the FIRST match between these two.)
7pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone @ 10:06
The footage isn't the best, but it's all we've got right now...
After the match, Poppin Corn congratulated his protege' and issued a statement on the microphone. He recognized that the championship has lost a bit of its luster in recent weeks... he promised that in the short time left in this season, "Kingbee" would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was worthy of the honor and prestige of Charles Wheezleton's dream...
And now you need to issue some challenges!
Chadillac will face Lobo Uno to determine a new Hungarian Champion - other than that, it's all up to you!
It seems quite clear to me that the Millionare is, once again, as usual, the victim here.
ReplyDeleteMaybe all of the other managers also lost their stables and have to start over with new wrestlers as well. Why does that make the Millionares struggles any less important? Isn't it clear he has suffered the worst, probably the worst of anyone in the history of this game?
Its like Black Entertainment Televsion. Why isn't there a White Entertainment Television? Why isn't there a WHITE history month? Why don't we have marches for straight marriage?
The Millionaires struggles are just like this only probably worse because they happened to him. Everyone wants to feel sorry for the Indian or the black or the Jew, but why does the rich, cultured white man who has built his fortune spending his parents money get no sympathy? Didn't he also get hurt just as badly as every other manager?
Know that I stand behind you, Millionare. People like you, me and Rush Limbaugh need to stand up for ourselves and I'm glad you did!
God bless America and bless the Millionaire!
And I'm sorry you lost. But I still believe in you, just like I beleve in the American Dream.
ReplyDeleteSemper Fi!
awwww yeah! Puttin' the whoopis on your tookis! SSSHHHIIIITTTT! This is the week we ascend to the throne! Who are we facing again? What's his name?...It doesn't matter what his name is. But after the match, he'll be famous. They'll know him as the man who lost to the Chadillac! Baby...you can drive my car...guess I'm gonna be a star! So...what time is the millionaire gonna get on here for his weekly cry? Don't short out your laptop, you crybaby bitch! Lobo Uno...this week, you get to feel the thunder! You better downshift and take that detour, son...because your playing chicken with disaster!
ReplyDeleteMight as well issue a rematch for that there belt. Let's make this one a cage match. I might as well just go down in flames all together.
ReplyDeleteDANG! With all of this talk of the Millionaire, I should just be Manager of the Year. Nobody's even talking about the other managers.
ReplyDeleteand just out of curiosity, how was his victory worth a whopping 7 points again? ...you know this was the first match against just one guy right?
ReplyDeleteAhem. I agree with my mallardly friend, here. The random rules being bandied about by this weakened federation, remind me of the rampant overregulation that the American federal government perpetrates upon the hardworking, average, Every-Joe America. Who gets so many points, and why?! Next FUCR is going to tell us that Sir Quacksalot can't have his rematch, because that would "disadvantage the other players". Well I tell you, my friends, life isn't fair. Capitalism isn't fair. The world, isn't fair. And clearly FUCR isn't fair. We, as dues paying managers, have had to endure the poor quality of this league for months now. We were promised a rose garden, and have nothing but weeds to show for it! If you look at the points, clearly The Millionaire and myself are the victims of something akin to voter fraud that managed to assure the reelection of Obummer. FRAUD I SAY!!!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Sgt. Octopus will dismantle Jumpin Criminy Superstar.
ReplyDeleteSA-LUTE!
P.P.S. Make sure you check out my google+ profile, I'm up to 71 hard-core fans now!
ReplyDeleteRUSH! RUSH! RUSH! RUSH!
NEXT WEEK:
ReplyDeleteJC Superstar vs. Sgt. Octopus
WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION "Kingbee" Willy Malone vs. The Thrillionaire - Steel Cage rematch!
Lobo Uno vs. The Chadillac for the UNDISPUTED HUNGARIAN COMMONWEALTH PEOPLE'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!