Noted wrestling doctor Sidney M. Basil, MD opened the show by addressing the crowd and addressing the frequent rumors regarding Simon Pimpleton. He recognized the fact that with the recent sadness resulting from the deceased roster and the controversy surrounding the World's Championship, many had forgotten a question which has plagued us all season - "Who is Simon Pimpleton's Father?" Basil assured fans that he had conducted rigorous tests which involved getting semen samples from each and every male fan who bought a ticket to a FUCR show in the past six months. We would have an answer, he said, and we'd have it at Slamarama!
Our opening match pitted two time World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone (Poppin' Corn) against JC Superstar (Jesus Christ) with the winner being given a shot at whichever title they wanted. Poppin' Corn made it clear last week that he intends to cash in that shot against current World's Champion The Thrillionaire... which is good, because Malone won the match!
6pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone via pinfall @ 6:32
The next match was a donnybrook, a slobberknocker and a barnburner rolled into a painful sandwich. World's Champion The Thrillionaire (Millionaire) teamed with Sgt. Octopus (Rush Limbaugh) to take on current Hungarian Champion The Chadillac (Simon Pimpleton) and Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor). The match was especially noteworthy due to the fact that whichever wrestler scored a pinfall would take home the Hungarian Championship as a prize!
We're not gonna lie, folks. This match was goddamn brutal. It spilled outside several times and much blood was shed on both sides. It was a war of attrition which lasted nearly seventeen minutes and only ended when The Thrillionaire brutally beat upon Lobo Uno with a steel chair while Sgt. Octopus (the legal man) distracted the referee. Lobo Uno was counted out and the team of The Thrillionaire and Sgt. Octopus won the match by count out which, due to the altered rules of this abridged and abbreviated season, grants each team member the full six points!
And due to the ruling by members of the VGWA and FUCR Boards of Directors as well as the Hungarian Wrestling Council... Sgt. Octopus is the new Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World!
6pts = Sgt. Octopus
6pts = Thrillionaire
Ladies and gentlemen, we've already got one match booked for next week - the ULTIMATE rematch between "Kingbee" Willy Malone and The Thrillionaire. 8 points and the World's Championship on the line. Two men. One ring. Three counts. Who will emerge victorious?
Everybody else - get your challenges in!
Next week, we will meet again for the final time, kemosabe.
ReplyDeleteSince it is my rematch, the stipulation is mine to decide. And I choose this: A MATCH. No gimmicks, no ladders, no cages, no barbed wire. Two men, stripped to the waist, oiled until their bodies glisten. Hands... touching hands. Reaching out. Touching me. Touching you.
Congratulations to the Profit Makers!
ReplyDeleteWORLD CHAMPION - THE THRILLIONAIRE
HUNGAIRIAN CHAMPION - SERGEANT OCTOPUS
Finaly, American heroes like soldiers, risk takers and money makers are holding all the gold and making fantasy wrestling fans PROUD once again. I'm proud of our good American senaters who vetoed the Muslim faux-Presidents plan to take away our GOD-GIVEN right to bear arms and I'm proud of the new champs of FUCR!
Semper Fi and God Bless America!
You can't take those guns away! The big guns of the FUCR CHAMPIONS! Rush Limbaugh and The Millionaire - making money and winning titles!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if I'm rambling. Just so damn happy!
Yea, are you gonna continue WHINING at him until he stops? Look, if your mom wasn't such a goddamn whore, maybe you wouldn't be such a little piece of shit.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, he didn't pin shit... BUT YOU LOSS!! Maybe if you weren't concerned with being such a fucktard, you would have learned the rules of Professional Fantasy Rasslin and found out there's more than one way to LOSE a match. Let me guess, are the long established pre-set rules out to get you now?
Hell no, Millionaire! You have firmly established the undisputed facts that YOU are the target of those rules! But not more. No longer will the tyrants who rule FUCR keep good Americans and patriots such as yourself down! Finally, the rules have been altered in such a way as to screw someone other than you, the Official Most Fucked Man in FUCR. Now they are doing the screwing to someone who deserves it - a libtard known as Pimpleton! You just keep on keeping on, and don't let anyone even TRY to tread on you!
ReplyDeleteNext week is shaping up to be... well, about as awesome as a show featuring only 6 wrestlers can possibly be. But dammit, we think that's pretty awesome!
ReplyDelete1) "Kingbee" Willy Malone will once again step into the ring with The Thrillionaire, current reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion. It's the 3rd match between these two superstars and will be worth a full 8 points!
2) Chadillac challenges Sgt. Octopus with the hopes of regaining the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World in a rematch of sorts from this week. 7 points on the line!
3) JC Superstar and Lobo Uno are no strangers to each other, having squared off earlier this month. Shit, it's technically a rematch - let's do it for 7 points. Anybody want to add a fucking awesome stipulation? Let's hear it.
REMATCH CITY! It's the end of the season and anything goes!
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ReplyDeleteDear dumbasses,
If anyone at FUCR could manage to get their heads out of their asses long enough to look at a calendar, they'd realize that next week is the final week before the biggest free-for-view event of the season: SLAMARAMA!
SLAMARAMA will be held March 3, 2013 The matches taking place next week will determine the main event: WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION vs. UNDISPUTED HUNGARIAN COMMONWEALTH PEOPLE'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIO OF THE WORLD - both titles are up for grabs in the race to determine who is truly the best in the world.
With that in mind, the Board of Directors of the Video Game Wrestling Alliance must do something we have sworn to never do. We must step down from our lofty perch and interfere in the world of man.
The match between Chadillac and Sgt. Octopus for the Hungarian title MUST be a 3-way-dance with Lobo Uno, the man Sgt. Octopus defeated to win the championship.
So it is written...
That seems pretty fair, actually.
ReplyDeleteGiven the limited time frame we're working with, it only seems right to honor the memory of the fallen roster by honoring the legacy of the Hungarian Title. A title which was despised by Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton when he broke away from the VGWA, accusing us of bribery, bias, corruption and all manner of foul play. Holding a tournament was held to crown a World's Champion, Wheezleton stole a prominent VGWA superstar in the form of Monte Altazzar and put the belt around his waist.
ReplyDeleteIn time, as FUCR grew, the World's Championship supplanted the Hungarian title as the most prominent singles championship in the minds of the fans. The Hungarian Championship was retired as an active title and became an annual event under the guidance of Ebeneezer Wheezleton when Charles was struck by a mysterious and completely natural death with no suggestion of foul pay.
Controversy surrounded FUCR for years as ownership was in dispute. Monte Altazzar was killed hideously. For a time, the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate managed to wrest control of the World's Championship. But FUCR has always returned.
Now... with the Wheezleton Family's flame extinguished, the traitor Monte Altazzar dead and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World re-activated while the World's Heavyweight Championship is very much disputed due to The Chadillac refusing the belt as well as 3/4 of the roster dying in a freak accident... the two most respected championships both be on the line at SLAMARAMA!
...
ReplyDeleteare you drunk?
The Video Game Wrestling Alliance comes clean of their in a roundabout way while their chosen one lies defeated and an American hero has claimed the Hungarian Championship. Dispute all you want, there is no doubt that The Thrillionarie is the World's Heavyweight Champion, and deservedly so. Who aims to gain the most riches from this situation? I do not claim to know, but they obviously seek to gain power through serupticious means and that type of action WIL NOT be tolerated.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to next week and watching the current champs walk out of the arena as reigning champs!