After much delay, our flagship event is finally here! It's been a long and tumultuous season wrought with controversy, chaos and tragedy. But now, the pot at the end of the rainbow has arrived. Before we begin, let's take a look at the point standings and review the matches.
Lobo Uno, managed by Mick "Truck" Drivor, will be accepting the challenge of two time former World's Champion The Thrillionaire, managed by the self-proclaimed "most fucked man in wrestling", The Millionaire. With 48 and 46 points respectively, this 10-point match could set either man over the edge and crown a Manager of the Year.
Our other big match is a champion vs. champion encounter pitting three-time World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone (managed by Poppin' Corn) against former World's Champion and two-time Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Chadillac (managed by Simon Pimpleton).
The match is worth only 3 points, which are enough to cement Poppin' Corn as Manager of the Year, but what's really on the line here is the pride of two legendary wrestling promotions.
It was 2007 when Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton broke away from the VGWA to establish his own title - the World's Championship. And in time, that belt gained prominence over the Hungarian Title; even after FUCR was folded back into the VGWA. Over the following five years, it has been a battle for dominance between these two promotions. And it hasn't been without incident...
Who can forget when VGWA stars such as Monte Altazzar, Pappy, Jon Derby, Manimal, Bronson Thunderhammer, Scissorwolf and others defected to join the ranks of the Nintendo Wrestling Association (and later FUCR)? And who can forget when 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski nearly bankrupted the NWA when he and Pappy were caught supplying the underage Jenny Glorpp with alcohol?
And who can forget when legendary VGWA performer Blackjack Billy "the Kingpin" LaLonde started his own rival promotion and was briefly awarded control of the World's Championship by the VGWA Board of Directors? What about Monte Altazzar's mysterious death? A death which has yet to be solved?
And now, the second generation of stars takes the stage as men like The Thrillionaire, the Chadillac and "Kingbee" Willy Malone ascend to the heavens of professional fantasy wrestling...
Also on the card tonight, Dr. Sydney M. Basil reveals the TRUTH about Simon Pimpleton's parentage!
1) The first half of our double main event was nearly 12 minutes of non-stop action and pain. Both men knew they were fighting to secure the top spot for their managers and both men knew that they wanted to make the other suffer as much as possible. But in the end, only one man could walk away with the prize and that man was the lone wolf who walks alone and stalks the night as a one-man wolfpack, but not a lame one-man wolfpack like those shitty Hangover sequels - a fucking REAL fucking one-man wolfpack, and that man is LOBO UNO.
10 points = Lobo Uno via pinfall@ 6:35.
Before the 2nd half of the double main event on our two match card could take place, the VGWA Board of Directors took to the ring. They said that the Wrestler of the Year award had already been determined, despite the season not quite being over! This year was a special year, they said and as such, unfurled a rather expensive and fancy looking piece of parchment. The ring bell, it chimed until it rang 29 times for each man who died this season and then some.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wrestlers of the Year for the 2013 season are:
Tiger Nightmare
Cobra Jaguar
Battle Cat
Persuader
Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain
Hannibal Murdoch
Orville Knorville
Chico Malaise'
Dr. Matsumoto
Diesel Injun
Michael Three Cheeses
Manitou McIntosh
And now, lets quit all our cryin' and bellyachin' and get to the main event!
2) The match was 2-out-of-3 falls. The participants involved were the alleged illegitimate love child of "Kingpin" Billy LaLonde and Queen Bee, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and his arch rival, the protégé of the most decorated Hungarian Champion ever, The Chadillac. Both the World's Heavyweight Championship and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, with a lineage dating back to last century, were on the line, though technically, this was not a title unification match as both belts will be defended under separate contracts.
The first fall went to "Kingbee" at 5:28 when The Chadillac tapped out to his Human Torture Rack. The second fall also went to Malone at 7:45 ... same hold. Same results.
3 points and the Hungarian Championship were awarded to Kingbee's manager, Poppin' Corn, bringing his total up to 58 points!
"Kingbee" Willy Malone celebrated in the ring, embracing Chadillac and referring to himself as the Undisputed World's Heavyweight Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World... a shower of black and yellow confetti littered the ring and the arena.
And then Lobo Uno's music hit.
Accompanied by Mick "Truck" Drivor, who promptly stated that with 58 points of his own, he was tied with Poppin' Corn as the Manager of the Year, the one-man stalking nightmare of wolfocity spit upon "Kingbee" and called his dual championship worthless.
And then Dr. Sydney M. Basil hit the ring.
Holding a manila envelope, Basil stated that any and all disputes over awards would simply have to wait... because he had the results from Simon Pimpleton's paternity test in his hand. Basil was joined by Pimpleton and his mother, Cheryl Halstedder. Fans noted that Pimpleton looked older somehow and it was confirmed by both his mother and his doctor that yes, Simon Pimpleton does in fact suffer from Soap Opera Children's Disorder, commonly known as SOCP, a disease which causes a child to age to their teen years rapidly after spending a brief period of time away at summer camp or on a vacation.
Choosing not to waste any more time, Dr. Basil produced the results of the paternity test and it was revealed that Simon Pimpleton's TRUE father was...
...
...
CHARLES "STINKYTEATS" WHEEZLETON
And the crowd. Went. Nuts.
Pimpleton grabbed the microphone. He spit in Malone's face and called him a paper champ. The Chadillac attacked Malone from behind and Lobo Uno put Poppin' Corn in a full nelson. Simon Pimpleton... or should we say SIMON WHEEZLETON declared himself the King of FUCR and now that he was heir to the proverbial throne of professional fantasy wrestling, he chose to become the tiebreaker... the Manager of the Year Award goes to Mick "Truck" Drivor, who wins by decision!!!
The crowd littered the ring with trash as the heels savagely beat both the Champ and his manager, leaving a pile of broken bodies in the ring. Jenny Glorpp joined Simon Wheezleton in the ring and the two began passionately kissing! Simon put his hand up her shirt and brazenly felt her up on live television while Jenny stroked the growing bulge in his pants! It was disgusting! Finally, the show went off the air with Wheezleton, Drivor, Lobo Uno, Chadillac and Jenny Glorpp celebrating while Willy Malone and Poppin Corn were carted out of the arena - championships intact, but pride and bodies badly hurt.
And that's the season, folks! Who says 2013 is bad luck?
2.5.13
PRE-EMPTED, BITCHES!
We're sorry, this week's edition of Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin has been pre-empted as we bring you live coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Please stay tuned and watch your e-mail - SLAMARAMA results will be posted next week!
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