After much delay, our flagship event is finally here! It's been a long and tumultuous season wrought with controversy, chaos and tragedy. But now, the pot at the end of the rainbow has arrived. Before we begin, let's take a look at the point standings and review the matches.
Lobo Uno, managed by Mick "Truck" Drivor, will be accepting the challenge of two time former World's Champion The Thrillionaire, managed by the self-proclaimed "most fucked man in wrestling", The Millionaire. With 48 and 46 points respectively, this 10-point match could set either man over the edge and crown a Manager of the Year.
Our other big match is a champion vs. champion encounter pitting three-time World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone (managed by Poppin' Corn) against former World's Champion and two-time Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Chadillac (managed by Simon Pimpleton).
The match is worth only 3 points, which are enough to cement Poppin' Corn as Manager of the Year, but what's really on the line here is the pride of two legendary wrestling promotions.
It was 2007 when Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton broke away from the VGWA to establish his own title - the World's Championship. And in time, that belt gained prominence over the Hungarian Title; even after FUCR was folded back into the VGWA. Over the following five years, it has been a battle for dominance between these two promotions. And it hasn't been without incident...
Who can forget when VGWA stars such as Monte Altazzar, Pappy, Jon Derby, Manimal, Bronson Thunderhammer, Scissorwolf and others defected to join the ranks of the Nintendo Wrestling Association (and later FUCR)? And who can forget when 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski nearly bankrupted the NWA when he and Pappy were caught supplying the underage Jenny Glorpp with alcohol?
And who can forget when legendary VGWA performer Blackjack Billy "the Kingpin" LaLonde started his own rival promotion and was briefly awarded control of the World's Championship by the VGWA Board of Directors? What about Monte Altazzar's mysterious death? A death which has yet to be solved?
And now, the second generation of stars takes the stage as men like The Thrillionaire, the Chadillac and "Kingbee" Willy Malone ascend to the heavens of professional fantasy wrestling...
Also on the card tonight, Dr. Sydney M. Basil reveals the TRUTH about Simon Pimpleton's parentage!
1) The first half of our double main event was nearly 12 minutes of non-stop action and pain. Both men knew they were fighting to secure the top spot for their managers and both men knew that they wanted to make the other suffer as much as possible. But in the end, only one man could walk away with the prize and that man was the lone wolf who walks alone and stalks the night as a one-man wolfpack, but not a lame one-man wolfpack like those shitty Hangover sequels - a fucking REAL fucking one-man wolfpack, and that man is LOBO UNO.
10 points = Lobo Uno via pinfall@ 6:35.
Before the 2nd half of the double main event on our two match card could take place, the VGWA Board of Directors took to the ring. They said that the Wrestler of the Year award had already been determined, despite the season not quite being over! This year was a special year, they said and as such, unfurled a rather expensive and fancy looking piece of parchment. The ring bell, it chimed until it rang 29 times for each man who died this season and then some.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wrestlers of the Year for the 2013 season are:
Tiger Nightmare
Cobra Jaguar
Battle Cat
Persuader
Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain
Hannibal Murdoch
Orville Knorville
Chico Malaise'
Dr. Matsumoto
Diesel Injun
Michael Three Cheeses
Manitou McIntosh
And now, lets quit all our cryin' and bellyachin' and get to the main event!
2) The match was 2-out-of-3 falls. The participants involved were the alleged illegitimate love child of "Kingpin" Billy LaLonde and Queen Bee, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and his arch rival, the protégé of the most decorated Hungarian Champion ever, The Chadillac. Both the World's Heavyweight Championship and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, with a lineage dating back to last century, were on the line, though technically, this was not a title unification match as both belts will be defended under separate contracts.
The first fall went to "Kingbee" at 5:28 when The Chadillac tapped out to his Human Torture Rack. The second fall also went to Malone at 7:45 ... same hold. Same results.
3 points and the Hungarian Championship were awarded to Kingbee's manager, Poppin' Corn, bringing his total up to 58 points!
"Kingbee" Willy Malone celebrated in the ring, embracing Chadillac and referring to himself as the Undisputed World's Heavyweight Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World... a shower of black and yellow confetti littered the ring and the arena.
And then Lobo Uno's music hit.
Accompanied by Mick "Truck" Drivor, who promptly stated that with 58 points of his own, he was tied with Poppin' Corn as the Manager of the Year, the one-man stalking nightmare of wolfocity spit upon "Kingbee" and called his dual championship worthless.
And then Dr. Sydney M. Basil hit the ring.
Holding a manila envelope, Basil stated that any and all disputes over awards would simply have to wait... because he had the results from Simon Pimpleton's paternity test in his hand. Basil was joined by Pimpleton and his mother, Cheryl Halstedder. Fans noted that Pimpleton looked older somehow and it was confirmed by both his mother and his doctor that yes, Simon Pimpleton does in fact suffer from Soap Opera Children's Disorder, commonly known as SOCP, a disease which causes a child to age to their teen years rapidly after spending a brief period of time away at summer camp or on a vacation.
Choosing not to waste any more time, Dr. Basil produced the results of the paternity test and it was revealed that Simon Pimpleton's TRUE father was...
...
...
CHARLES "STINKYTEATS" WHEEZLETON
And the crowd. Went. Nuts.
Pimpleton grabbed the microphone. He spit in Malone's face and called him a paper champ. The Chadillac attacked Malone from behind and Lobo Uno put Poppin' Corn in a full nelson. Simon Pimpleton... or should we say SIMON WHEEZLETON declared himself the King of FUCR and now that he was heir to the proverbial throne of professional fantasy wrestling, he chose to become the tiebreaker... the Manager of the Year Award goes to Mick "Truck" Drivor, who wins by decision!!!
The crowd littered the ring with trash as the heels savagely beat both the Champ and his manager, leaving a pile of broken bodies in the ring. Jenny Glorpp joined Simon Wheezleton in the ring and the two began passionately kissing! Simon put his hand up her shirt and brazenly felt her up on live television while Jenny stroked the growing bulge in his pants! It was disgusting! Finally, the show went off the air with Wheezleton, Drivor, Lobo Uno, Chadillac and Jenny Glorpp celebrating while Willy Malone and Poppin Corn were carted out of the arena - championships intact, but pride and bodies badly hurt.
And that's the season, folks! Who says 2013 is bad luck?
Showing posts with label championship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label championship. Show all posts
25.4.13
* RESULTS * 4/25/13 *
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the final show before the biggest free-for-view event of the season - SLAMARAMA! Tonight both titles are on the line, but before we start, lets listen to the VGWA Board of Directors discuss the history of both belts as well as the organization...
It only seems right to honor the memory of the fallen roster by honoring the legacy of the Hungarian Title. A title which was despised by Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton when he broke away from the VGWA, accusing them of bribery, bias, corruption and all manner of foul play. Holding a tournament to crown a World's Champion, Wheezleton stole a prominent VGWA superstar in the form of Monte Altazzar and put the belt around his waist. Other stars defected including Pappy, "Kentucky" Jon Derby and the Manimal.
In time, as FUCR grew, the World's Championship supplanted the Hungarian title as the most prominent singles championship in the minds of the fans. The Hungarian Championship was retired as an active title and became an annual event as FUCR fell under the guidance of Ebeneezer Wheezleton when Charles was struck by a mysterious and completely natural death with no suggestion of foul pay.
Controversy surrounded FUCR for years as ownership was in dispute. Monte Altazzar was killed in a hideous gangland crime which remains unsolved to this day. For a time, the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate managed to wrest control of the World's Championship. But FUCR has always returned, like a phoenix from the ashes.
Now... with the Wheezleton Family's flame extinguished, the traitor Monte Altazzar dead and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World re-activated while the World's Heavyweight Championship is very much disputed due to The Chadillac refusing the belt as well as 3/4 of the roster dying in a freak accident... the two most respected championships both be on the line at SLAMARAMA!
But first - this week's matches!
1) First, the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World was on the line in a three-way dance between reigning champion Sgt. Octopus, former champion The Chadillac and the uncrowned people's champion, Lobo Uno.
It was a 12 minute battle of wills... and in the end, the man trained by 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski was victorious by pinning Lobo Uno.
7pts = Chadillac via pinfall @ 12:14
2) Next, the 3rd and final match in a series. Both men are now 2-time World's Champions and both men are "second generation superstars", having been trained by legends of the business. Ladies and gentlemen, "Kingbee" Willy Malone seeks to regain the richest prize in the sport when he squares off against current champion The Thrillionaire!
It was a match to end all matches. And in the end...
9pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone via submission @ 11:49
After the match, Malone grabbed a microphone and called Chadillac to the ring. The two champions stood face to face... Malone reminded the crowd that Chadillac gave up the World's Championship not too long ago. He reminded the fans that this action caused the title to fall into dispute. He said that when he defeats Chadillac and holds both titles at SLAMARAMA next week, he will erase all doubts.
Chadillac responded with a boot to the face and left Malone lying in the ring.
NEXT WEEK - SLAMARAMA! Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World THE CHADILLAC vs. World's Heavyweight Champion "KINGBEE" WILLY MALONE in a 2-out-of-3 falls lumberjack match!
The main event is set, but you can still issue challenges! Maybe we'll see a tag match? Maybe a mini-battle royal? Maybe a table match? Its up to you!
And don't forget - next week Dr. Sydney M. Basil will reveal the results - who IS Simon Pimpleton's father?
It only seems right to honor the memory of the fallen roster by honoring the legacy of the Hungarian Title. A title which was despised by Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton when he broke away from the VGWA, accusing them of bribery, bias, corruption and all manner of foul play. Holding a tournament to crown a World's Champion, Wheezleton stole a prominent VGWA superstar in the form of Monte Altazzar and put the belt around his waist. Other stars defected including Pappy, "Kentucky" Jon Derby and the Manimal.
In time, as FUCR grew, the World's Championship supplanted the Hungarian title as the most prominent singles championship in the minds of the fans. The Hungarian Championship was retired as an active title and became an annual event as FUCR fell under the guidance of Ebeneezer Wheezleton when Charles was struck by a mysterious and completely natural death with no suggestion of foul pay.
Controversy surrounded FUCR for years as ownership was in dispute. Monte Altazzar was killed in a hideous gangland crime which remains unsolved to this day. For a time, the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate managed to wrest control of the World's Championship. But FUCR has always returned, like a phoenix from the ashes.
Now... with the Wheezleton Family's flame extinguished, the traitor Monte Altazzar dead and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World re-activated while the World's Heavyweight Championship is very much disputed due to The Chadillac refusing the belt as well as 3/4 of the roster dying in a freak accident... the two most respected championships both be on the line at SLAMARAMA!
But first - this week's matches!
1) First, the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World was on the line in a three-way dance between reigning champion Sgt. Octopus, former champion The Chadillac and the uncrowned people's champion, Lobo Uno.
It was a 12 minute battle of wills... and in the end, the man trained by 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski was victorious by pinning Lobo Uno.
7pts = Chadillac via pinfall @ 12:14
2) Next, the 3rd and final match in a series. Both men are now 2-time World's Champions and both men are "second generation superstars", having been trained by legends of the business. Ladies and gentlemen, "Kingbee" Willy Malone seeks to regain the richest prize in the sport when he squares off against current champion The Thrillionaire!
It was a match to end all matches. And in the end...
9pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone via submission @ 11:49
After the match, Malone grabbed a microphone and called Chadillac to the ring. The two champions stood face to face... Malone reminded the crowd that Chadillac gave up the World's Championship not too long ago. He reminded the fans that this action caused the title to fall into dispute. He said that when he defeats Chadillac and holds both titles at SLAMARAMA next week, he will erase all doubts.
Chadillac responded with a boot to the face and left Malone lying in the ring.
NEXT WEEK - SLAMARAMA! Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World THE CHADILLAC vs. World's Heavyweight Champion "KINGBEE" WILLY MALONE in a 2-out-of-3 falls lumberjack match!
The main event is set, but you can still issue challenges! Maybe we'll see a tag match? Maybe a mini-battle royal? Maybe a table match? Its up to you!
And don't forget - next week Dr. Sydney M. Basil will reveal the results - who IS Simon Pimpleton's father?
11.4.13
* APRIL 12, 2013 * RESULTS *
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the abridged results. The WrestleMania weekend took its toll and our own schedule was rushed and cut short. But that didn't stop the action which saw...
1) Sgt. Octopus defeated JC Superstar via pinfall!
6 pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @8:43
2) The Chadillac took on Lobo Uno to determine the new Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World.
6 pts = Chadillac via pinfall @12:12
3) And finally, The Thrillionaire took on the man who defeated him last week - World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone in a steel cage rematch! This time, it was The Thrillionaire who became a 2-time champion!
6 pts + 1 rematch point + 1 World Title point = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 7:43
... and that's this week's show! Short, but as sweet as you can get. Now get your challenges in.
1) Sgt. Octopus defeated JC Superstar via pinfall!
6 pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @8:43
2) The Chadillac took on Lobo Uno to determine the new Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World.
6 pts = Chadillac via pinfall @12:12
3) And finally, The Thrillionaire took on the man who defeated him last week - World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone in a steel cage rematch! This time, it was The Thrillionaire who became a 2-time champion!
6 pts + 1 rematch point + 1 World Title point = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 7:43
... and that's this week's show! Short, but as sweet as you can get. Now get your challenges in.
4.4.13
* APRIL 5, 2013 * RESULTS *
It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks for FUCR, but we're continuing on the steady path of awesomeness that we've been known for since 2007.
Our first match was at the behest of the Chadillac and his manager Simon Pimpleton. A proud man and proud manager, they were disgusted with the politicking, complaints, kvetching and quacking which surrounded the World's Championship in the aftermath of the tragedy which took the lives of most of FUCR's roster. As a result, they chose to distance themselves from what they considered a stained title and enter into a tournament for the Hungarian Championship, which was once again declared vacant upon the death of current champion Chico Malaise'.
And in the first round, Chadillac went toe-to-toe with his former stablemate and a former World's Champion and Hungarian Champion in his own right, JC Superstar. After 5 minutes and 18 seconds, the Chadillac pinned the step-son of a carpenter!
6 pts = Chadillac via pinfall @5:18
2) Next up was another first round match in the tournament for the Undisputed Hungarian People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, the oldest title in professional video game wrestling history. Lobo Uno faced off against another former World's Champion in the form of Sgt. Octopus. The match featured over 100 near-pinfalls and spilled outside for a bit. In the end, Lobo Uno put the former Marine Corps drill instructor through a table, rendering him unable to answer the 10 count.
6pts = Lobo Uno via countout @ 12:43
(note: due to the altered nature of the season, we are awarding full points for count-out and DQ victories)
3) The main event was for the vacated World's Heavyweight Championship, a title that has fallen under much scrutiny and much dispute. The Thrillionaire, representing the Millionaire would battle "Kingbee" Willy Malone, a former understudy of the Millionaire now represented by Poppin' Corn!
It was a ladder match. It was insane. It was about 10 minutes long and after the intense battle, it's hard to say that the winner isn't the best wrestler in the world. And that man, for the second time, is "Kingbee" Willy Malone!
(note: due to the fucked-upedness of the title situation and since this isn't really a true rematch, this match is just worth 6 points plus the 1 point title bonus. It is not considered a rematch; simply the FIRST match between these two.)
7pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone @ 10:06
The footage isn't the best, but it's all we've got right now...
After the match, Poppin Corn congratulated his protege' and issued a statement on the microphone. He recognized that the championship has lost a bit of its luster in recent weeks... he promised that in the short time left in this season, "Kingbee" would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was worthy of the honor and prestige of Charles Wheezleton's dream...
And now you need to issue some challenges! Chadillac will face Lobo Uno to determine a new Hungarian Champion - other than that, it's all up to you!
Our first match was at the behest of the Chadillac and his manager Simon Pimpleton. A proud man and proud manager, they were disgusted with the politicking, complaints, kvetching and quacking which surrounded the World's Championship in the aftermath of the tragedy which took the lives of most of FUCR's roster. As a result, they chose to distance themselves from what they considered a stained title and enter into a tournament for the Hungarian Championship, which was once again declared vacant upon the death of current champion Chico Malaise'.
And in the first round, Chadillac went toe-to-toe with his former stablemate and a former World's Champion and Hungarian Champion in his own right, JC Superstar. After 5 minutes and 18 seconds, the Chadillac pinned the step-son of a carpenter!
6 pts = Chadillac via pinfall @5:18
2) Next up was another first round match in the tournament for the Undisputed Hungarian People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, the oldest title in professional video game wrestling history. Lobo Uno faced off against another former World's Champion in the form of Sgt. Octopus. The match featured over 100 near-pinfalls and spilled outside for a bit. In the end, Lobo Uno put the former Marine Corps drill instructor through a table, rendering him unable to answer the 10 count.
6pts = Lobo Uno via countout @ 12:43
(note: due to the altered nature of the season, we are awarding full points for count-out and DQ victories)
3) The main event was for the vacated World's Heavyweight Championship, a title that has fallen under much scrutiny and much dispute. The Thrillionaire, representing the Millionaire would battle "Kingbee" Willy Malone, a former understudy of the Millionaire now represented by Poppin' Corn!
It was a ladder match. It was insane. It was about 10 minutes long and after the intense battle, it's hard to say that the winner isn't the best wrestler in the world. And that man, for the second time, is "Kingbee" Willy Malone!
(note: due to the fucked-upedness of the title situation and since this isn't really a true rematch, this match is just worth 6 points plus the 1 point title bonus. It is not considered a rematch; simply the FIRST match between these two.)
7pts = "Kingbee" Willy Malone @ 10:06
The footage isn't the best, but it's all we've got right now...
After the match, Poppin Corn congratulated his protege' and issued a statement on the microphone. He recognized that the championship has lost a bit of its luster in recent weeks... he promised that in the short time left in this season, "Kingbee" would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was worthy of the honor and prestige of Charles Wheezleton's dream...
And now you need to issue some challenges! Chadillac will face Lobo Uno to determine a new Hungarian Champion - other than that, it's all up to you!
27.3.13
* THE WHEEZLETON MEMORIALE *
With sadness in our hearts, we bring you the results of the Wheezleton Memoriale. This year, the event will be held with more than just Charles "Stinkyteats" and Ebeneezer Wheezleton in mind... this year, we also honor the twelve FUCR wrestlers who lost their lives.
This year, out of respect for those who died, there will be no points on the line in the Wheezleton Memoriale - save for the 1 point awarded to the winner, who shall be crowned the NEW World's Heavyweight Championship.
The entrants are as follows...
Lobo Uno - Mick "Truck" Drivor
The Thrillionaire - The Millionaire
The Chadillac - The Amazing Simon Pimpleton
Sgt. Octopus - Rush Limbaugh
J.C. Superstar - Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers
and the current reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion, "Kingbee" Willy Malone, represented by Poppin' Corn.
While we recognize that draft didn't exactly shake out to everyone's liking, we ask you to remember that it was, in fact, 100% random and we also ask that you remember The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, Dr. Matsumoto, Orville Knorvil, Chico Malaise', Tiger Nightmare, Cobra Jaguar, Battle Cat, Michael Three-Cheeses, Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh. Remember that they died and respectfully shut the fuck up.
Now, on to the match!
1) Sgt. Octopus pinned JC Superstar @ 4:20
2) Chadillac pinned the Thrillionaire @ 4:32
3) Lobo Uno pinned Kingbee @ 5:22
4) Chadillac pinned Lobo Uno @ 8:15
5) Chadillac pinned Sgt. Octopus @ 9:57 to become the NEW Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion!
The only existing footage of the event is this grainy fan-cam work...
Well, that's it. We've got four weeks left in this, the most bittersweet of seasons and you've got to get your challenges in. It is with heavy hearts that these six competitors continue on their path to yet another season marked with an asterisk in the record books..
This year, out of respect for those who died, there will be no points on the line in the Wheezleton Memoriale - save for the 1 point awarded to the winner, who shall be crowned the NEW World's Heavyweight Championship.
The entrants are as follows...
Lobo Uno - Mick "Truck" Drivor
The Thrillionaire - The Millionaire
The Chadillac - The Amazing Simon Pimpleton
Sgt. Octopus - Rush Limbaugh
J.C. Superstar - Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers
and the current reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion, "Kingbee" Willy Malone, represented by Poppin' Corn.
While we recognize that draft didn't exactly shake out to everyone's liking, we ask you to remember that it was, in fact, 100% random and we also ask that you remember The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, Dr. Matsumoto, Orville Knorvil, Chico Malaise', Tiger Nightmare, Cobra Jaguar, Battle Cat, Michael Three-Cheeses, Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh. Remember that they died and respectfully shut the fuck up.
Now, on to the match!
1) Sgt. Octopus pinned JC Superstar @ 4:20
2) Chadillac pinned the Thrillionaire @ 4:32
3) Lobo Uno pinned Kingbee @ 5:22
4) Chadillac pinned Lobo Uno @ 8:15
5) Chadillac pinned Sgt. Octopus @ 9:57 to become the NEW Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion!
The only existing footage of the event is this grainy fan-cam work...
Well, that's it. We've got four weeks left in this, the most bittersweet of seasons and you've got to get your challenges in. It is with heavy hearts that these six competitors continue on their path to yet another season marked with an asterisk in the record books..
14.3.13
* RESULTS * MARCH 15, 2013 *
As this week's show opened, the crowd was near-riot. Signs and chanting demanded an answer to a question that has been asked all season... WHO IS SIMON PIMPLETON'S FATHER?
It had been largely assumed that Jim and Cheryl Halstedder, the owner/operator duo who control Opulence Unlimited International, the largest sex toy distributer in North America and some parts of China, were Simon's parents. But as it would turn out, Cheryl couldn't quite promise anyone that she was 100% certain that Jim was the father. And recent DNA tests proved that Jim was not, in fact, the sperm donor who planted his seed in Cheryl's fertile love garden.
So who IS Simon's father? Maury Povich is here tonight and he says he will have an answer! But first, let's get down to the ring where the first round of a tournament to crown NEW World Tag Team Champions is being held...
1) First up, we've got Manitou McIntosh and Michael Three Cheeses, collectively known as The Dog Soldiers taking on The Millionaire's team of former World's Champion JC Superstar and The Chadillac ...
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 10:01
3pts = Chadillac
What you didn't see there was Rush Limbaugh sitting in the front row. While the cameras didn't quite catch it, Rush produced a roll of Sacajawea dollars and struck both McIntosh and Three Cheeses with it, ensuring that The Millionaire's team would secure the win! Immediately after this heinous act, Limbaugh excited the arena through the crowd, surrounded by a team of security officers.
After the match, "Kingbee" Willy Malone hit the ring and all three members of The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team dispensed with the Native American warriors, perhaps finally ending this bitter feud... and another feud has begun? Only time and another week or so will tell.
2) Next, the largely delinquent Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers has been given one more chance by the FUCR and VGWA Boards of Directors as two of his stable members - Orville Knorville and former World's Champion Dr. Matsumoto - have teamed up to take on two members of The Deadly Friends - Franklin Lloyd Right and former World's Champion The Persuader.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @ 14:16
3pts = Orville Knorville
Moments later, Maury Povich was in the ring with Cheryl Halstedder and Simon Pimpleton. They were joined by FUCR's resident physician, Dr. Sydney M. Basil, along with all of the men Cheryl could remember sleeping with during the time period when Simon was conceived...
Count Dante
Charles Minkey
Rush Limbaugh
Mickey Rooney
One by one, Cheryl kissed each man on the cheek, perhaps remembering the glory days of her youth, when she bedded many a young stud and spread her legs like a chef spreads butter. Delicately and evenly across the entire world (or slice of bread, as it were). Though it had been years, it was clear that each man remembered their night or nights of splendor with Cheryl... for what man could forget her loving touch?
Finally, Maury Povich invited Dr. Basil to open the envelope and reveal who Simon Pimpleton's father was. Each man had submitted to a DNA test and in the end, as Dr. Basil opened the envelope to reveal its contents, they each held their breath. Finally, Dr. Sydney M. Basil read the test results, which revealed...
NONE of these men were Simon's father! Cheryl turned a spectacular shade of crimson as the crowd chanted "Slut!" ... Simon burst into tears and quickly removed his sweater and wrapped it around his waist in an attempt to hide the fact that he had clearly soiled his pants. Everyone left the ring in embarrassment leaving fans wondering just who Simon Pimpleton's REAL father was!
3) Finally, the main event. Chico Malaise' and Lobo Uno vs. the self-proclaimed greatest tag team in FUCR - Cobra Jaguar and Battle Cat - the Grapplecats!
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @ 11:03
3pts = Lobo Uno
******
And that's the show for this week! The teams of Lobo Uno & Chico Malaise', Orville Knorville & Dr. Matsumoto and JC Superstar and the Chadillac all advance in the tag team tournament.
It will be a round-robin tournament and each team must do battle ... whichever team leads in victories will be crowned World Tag Team Champions.
We don't care which match takes place next week - we don't even care if ANY of those matches take place next week - we'll leave that to the managers. But if you want the tournament to keep moving, one of you has to issue a challenge!
Everybody else - let's see some fucking singles matches, eh? If you're not in the tournament, you are forbidden from wrestling in tag matches!
*******
It had been largely assumed that Jim and Cheryl Halstedder, the owner/operator duo who control Opulence Unlimited International, the largest sex toy distributer in North America and some parts of China, were Simon's parents. But as it would turn out, Cheryl couldn't quite promise anyone that she was 100% certain that Jim was the father. And recent DNA tests proved that Jim was not, in fact, the sperm donor who planted his seed in Cheryl's fertile love garden.
So who IS Simon's father? Maury Povich is here tonight and he says he will have an answer! But first, let's get down to the ring where the first round of a tournament to crown NEW World Tag Team Champions is being held...
1) First up, we've got Manitou McIntosh and Michael Three Cheeses, collectively known as The Dog Soldiers taking on The Millionaire's team of former World's Champion JC Superstar and The Chadillac ...
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 10:01
3pts = Chadillac
What you didn't see there was Rush Limbaugh sitting in the front row. While the cameras didn't quite catch it, Rush produced a roll of Sacajawea dollars and struck both McIntosh and Three Cheeses with it, ensuring that The Millionaire's team would secure the win! Immediately after this heinous act, Limbaugh excited the arena through the crowd, surrounded by a team of security officers.
After the match, "Kingbee" Willy Malone hit the ring and all three members of The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team dispensed with the Native American warriors, perhaps finally ending this bitter feud... and another feud has begun? Only time and another week or so will tell.
2) Next, the largely delinquent Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers has been given one more chance by the FUCR and VGWA Boards of Directors as two of his stable members - Orville Knorville and former World's Champion Dr. Matsumoto - have teamed up to take on two members of The Deadly Friends - Franklin Lloyd Right and former World's Champion The Persuader.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @ 14:16
3pts = Orville Knorville
Moments later, Maury Povich was in the ring with Cheryl Halstedder and Simon Pimpleton. They were joined by FUCR's resident physician, Dr. Sydney M. Basil, along with all of the men Cheryl could remember sleeping with during the time period when Simon was conceived...
Count Dante
Charles Minkey
Rush Limbaugh
Mickey Rooney
One by one, Cheryl kissed each man on the cheek, perhaps remembering the glory days of her youth, when she bedded many a young stud and spread her legs like a chef spreads butter. Delicately and evenly across the entire world (or slice of bread, as it were). Though it had been years, it was clear that each man remembered their night or nights of splendor with Cheryl... for what man could forget her loving touch?
Finally, Maury Povich invited Dr. Basil to open the envelope and reveal who Simon Pimpleton's father was. Each man had submitted to a DNA test and in the end, as Dr. Basil opened the envelope to reveal its contents, they each held their breath. Finally, Dr. Sydney M. Basil read the test results, which revealed...
NONE of these men were Simon's father! Cheryl turned a spectacular shade of crimson as the crowd chanted "Slut!" ... Simon burst into tears and quickly removed his sweater and wrapped it around his waist in an attempt to hide the fact that he had clearly soiled his pants. Everyone left the ring in embarrassment leaving fans wondering just who Simon Pimpleton's REAL father was!
3) Finally, the main event. Chico Malaise' and Lobo Uno vs. the self-proclaimed greatest tag team in FUCR - Cobra Jaguar and Battle Cat - the Grapplecats!
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @ 11:03
3pts = Lobo Uno
******
And that's the show for this week! The teams of Lobo Uno & Chico Malaise', Orville Knorville & Dr. Matsumoto and JC Superstar and the Chadillac all advance in the tag team tournament.
It will be a round-robin tournament and each team must do battle ... whichever team leads in victories will be crowned World Tag Team Champions.
We don't care which match takes place next week - we don't even care if ANY of those matches take place next week - we'll leave that to the managers. But if you want the tournament to keep moving, one of you has to issue a challenge!
Everybody else - let's see some fucking singles matches, eh? If you're not in the tournament, you are forbidden from wrestling in tag matches!
*******
7.3.13
* FUCR FRIDAY * MARCH 8, 2013 * RESULTS *
As is our norm, the action was insane this week. Insane.
1) It would seem the Prince of Peace has deserted his flock, as Jesus Christ - the alleged Manager of Managers - has been on the boards quite infrequently. Without his guiding hand, his stable has been lost. This week, Lee Harvey Awesome and Orville Knorville take on the most unlikely of teams - arch-enemies JC Superstar and Michael Three Cheeses.
3pts = Michael Three Cheeses via pinfall @ 9:50
3pts = JC Superstar
It would seem that JC Superstar is finally on the road to redemption and regaining his mojo. And perhaps he even found some new disciples in the form of the Dog Soldiers... but wouldn't you know it? After the match and a quick handshake, Michael Three-Cheeses slapped the former World's Champion in the face. The Dog Soldiers quickly attacked, producing a large, wooden, cross-shaped object from beneath the ring. They proceeded to strap JC Superstar to the object, which was then suspended above the ring until officials drove the Dog Soldiers off and rescued the Superstar. Poppin' Corn looked on with a smile on his face...
2) Lobo Uno had a bone to pick with Cobra Jaguar. And pick it he did! Despite the seemingly endless amount of cheating and chicanery on the part of the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion, Tiger Nightmare, the Lone Wolf who walks the lonely road vengeance with no one beside him but himself won the day.
And if you want to have your socks blown clear off of your tootsies, watch the video. SERIOUSLY. Watch it.
3pts = Lobo Uno via pinfall @ 8:10
3) The Chadillac sustained a fairly severe sprain to his elbow and a mild concussion to his occipital protuberance at the CAPITOL PUNISHMENT free-for-view last week. Nevertheless, he came prepared to fight as he took former World's Heavyweight Champion The Persuader. The match spilled outside of the ring on several occasions, enabling Hannibal Murdoch and Franklin Lloyd Right, the other members of the Deadly Friends, to play havoc upon the Chadillac's injuries. It was far from fair, but the crowd supported the Chadillac's effort.
After the match, ringside officials attempted to help the Chadillac back to the locker room, but he wouldn't have it. He stumbled, he fell and he barely made it... but in the end, he walked back to the locker room of his own accord, proving that he is all man and a yard wide.
3pts = The Persuader @5:12
4) Chico Malaise' won the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix last week and Diesel Injun challenged him - not for the World's Title shot that comes along with winning the Grand Prix, but for the actual Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, a title which has not been regularly defended in over 5 years! The Hungarian League of Professional Grappling Agencies (HLPGA) agreed to put the belt on the line in an official capacity and it. was. ON!
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @7:44 after a particularly brutal matchup.
5) And finally, that brings us to our main event - a rematch from the Capital Punishment free-for-view: Franklin Lloyd Right challenging the World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare, but this time - trapped within the confines of a steel cage! With the Deadly Friends and the Grapplecats barred from ringside, would the outcome of this match turn out any different?
Yes. This time, it only took a little over 2 minutes for Tiger Nightmare to successfully defend his title.
4 pts = Tiger Nightmare via pinfall @ 2:24
And that's our show for this week! All injuries are healed and everyone is back on the active roster next week! Chico Malaise' still has a guaranteed shot at the World's Championship under whatever stipulation he wants! And YOU still have the right to challenge your opponent and hope to win championship gold, the season or both!
1) It would seem the Prince of Peace has deserted his flock, as Jesus Christ - the alleged Manager of Managers - has been on the boards quite infrequently. Without his guiding hand, his stable has been lost. This week, Lee Harvey Awesome and Orville Knorville take on the most unlikely of teams - arch-enemies JC Superstar and Michael Three Cheeses.
3pts = Michael Three Cheeses via pinfall @ 9:50
3pts = JC Superstar
It would seem that JC Superstar is finally on the road to redemption and regaining his mojo. And perhaps he even found some new disciples in the form of the Dog Soldiers... but wouldn't you know it? After the match and a quick handshake, Michael Three-Cheeses slapped the former World's Champion in the face. The Dog Soldiers quickly attacked, producing a large, wooden, cross-shaped object from beneath the ring. They proceeded to strap JC Superstar to the object, which was then suspended above the ring until officials drove the Dog Soldiers off and rescued the Superstar. Poppin' Corn looked on with a smile on his face...
2) Lobo Uno had a bone to pick with Cobra Jaguar. And pick it he did! Despite the seemingly endless amount of cheating and chicanery on the part of the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion, Tiger Nightmare, the Lone Wolf who walks the lonely road vengeance with no one beside him but himself won the day.
And if you want to have your socks blown clear off of your tootsies, watch the video. SERIOUSLY. Watch it.
3pts = Lobo Uno via pinfall @ 8:10
3) The Chadillac sustained a fairly severe sprain to his elbow and a mild concussion to his occipital protuberance at the CAPITOL PUNISHMENT free-for-view last week. Nevertheless, he came prepared to fight as he took former World's Heavyweight Champion The Persuader. The match spilled outside of the ring on several occasions, enabling Hannibal Murdoch and Franklin Lloyd Right, the other members of the Deadly Friends, to play havoc upon the Chadillac's injuries. It was far from fair, but the crowd supported the Chadillac's effort.
After the match, ringside officials attempted to help the Chadillac back to the locker room, but he wouldn't have it. He stumbled, he fell and he barely made it... but in the end, he walked back to the locker room of his own accord, proving that he is all man and a yard wide.
3pts = The Persuader @5:12
4) Chico Malaise' won the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix last week and Diesel Injun challenged him - not for the World's Title shot that comes along with winning the Grand Prix, but for the actual Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, a title which has not been regularly defended in over 5 years! The Hungarian League of Professional Grappling Agencies (HLPGA) agreed to put the belt on the line in an official capacity and it. was. ON!
3pts = Chico Malaise' via pinfall @7:44 after a particularly brutal matchup.
5) And finally, that brings us to our main event - a rematch from the Capital Punishment free-for-view: Franklin Lloyd Right challenging the World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare, but this time - trapped within the confines of a steel cage! With the Deadly Friends and the Grapplecats barred from ringside, would the outcome of this match turn out any different?
Yes. This time, it only took a little over 2 minutes for Tiger Nightmare to successfully defend his title.
4 pts = Tiger Nightmare via pinfall @ 2:24
And that's our show for this week! All injuries are healed and everyone is back on the active roster next week! Chico Malaise' still has a guaranteed shot at the World's Championship under whatever stipulation he wants! And YOU still have the right to challenge your opponent and hope to win championship gold, the season or both!
28.2.13
* CAPITOL PUNISHMENT * Free-For-View * RESULTS! *
Welcome, wrestling fans, to the biggest event of the season (so far). Not only will the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare be defending his title against #1 contender Franklin Lloyd Right, Capitol Punishment is also home to the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix. Dating back to 1998, the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World was the top prize in professional fantasy wrestling for many years. Now, it is defending annually in an ever-evolving tournament.
Here's how it works: Round One will feature stable vs. stable action and more violence than a gaggle of studs let loose in a barn full of fillies. The matches will be fought elimination style and the survivors will each receive 3 points for victory.
Round Two is a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match. The competitors will receive 3 points for each pinfall (or submission) they score and an additional 3 points for overall victory? Confused? Too bad! Let's get to the ring...
1) The first match pitted Jesus Christ, Manager of Manager's stable against Poppin' Corn's Dog Soldiers. These two managers have fought tooth and nail over differences in faith and today, it all comes to a head. And it went down like this:
* Diesel Injun pinned Dr. Matsumoto @ 15:17
* Michael Three-Cheeses pinned Lee Harvey Awesome @ 17:35
* Manitou McIntosh pinned Orville Knorville @ 19:48
3pts = Diesel Injun
3pts = Michael Three-Cheeses
3pts = Manitou McIntosh
2) Next up, The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team took on Grapplecats... but since Tiger Nightmare is in the main event, we're letting him save himself and giving him the match off. So the match ended up going like this...
* Cobra Jaguar made "Kingbee" Willy Malone tap @ 14:51
* Cobra Jaguar was counted out @ 15:12 when an outside-the-ring scuffle with JC Superstar went on a little too long!
* JC Superstar pinned Battle Cat @ 17:08
3pts = JC Superstar
3pts = Chadillac
3) The next match saw the Deadly Friends take on Mick Drivor's team of ... uh... well, we don't have a catchy name for them. But they're really tough. And the same rules applied to the Deadly Friends - we let FLR have the match off to prepare for his title shot. But just as the match was about to start, who should run to the ring but last year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy!
He said there was no way he was going to let the show go on without him and he took the injured Sgt. Octopus' place! As the current reigning Hungarian Champion, we couldn't stop him - plus, he invoked the legendary Bowl Clause in order to insert himself in the match!
* Lobo Uno pinned Persuader @ 16:37
* Phantom Dandy pinned Hannibal Murdoch @ 18:37
3pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = Chico Malaise'
4) Tonight's main event was a classic scientific match-up of epic proportions between Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Tiger Nightmare - the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion. The match saw managers on both sides attempt to cheat in order to score victory. The match saw blood, sweat and tears. And finally, the match saw this...
Your winner and STILL World's Champion: Tiger Nightmare!
3pts = Tiger Nightmare
5) Finally, it was time for the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix finale. Per the rules, only 6 men can enter the Thunderdome, so Diesel Injun drew the short straw in order to leave two representatives from each team. Phantom Dandy, having pulled a hamstring during the previous match, sat this one out. The match went like this...
* Manitou McIntosh started the match against his own partner, Michael Three-Cheeses!
* At 1:00, Lobo Uno entered the fray!
* JC Superstar was next in at the 2 minute mark!
* Chadillac was the next entrant at 3 minutes.
* Finally, Chico Malaise' was buzzed in and the War Games began...
* Lobo Uno pinned Michael Three-Cheeses @ 5:10
* Lobo Uno made the Chadillac tap at 7:06
* JC Superstar pinned Manitou McIntosh @ 7:58
* Chico Malaise' pinned his own partner, Lobo Uno, @ 10:18
Chico Malaise pinned JC Superstar @ 11:54 to win! He was granted possession of the old Hungarian Championship belt by Phantom Dandy. In addition, he has the right to challenge for a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship at any time, under whatever stipulation he chooses!
6pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = JC Superstar
6pts = Chico Malaise
Check the Rasslin' Bidness page to see the month-end score totals! Make a challenge for next week! Remember that Sgt. Octopus and Chadillac are both on the injured list!
Here's how it works: Round One will feature stable vs. stable action and more violence than a gaggle of studs let loose in a barn full of fillies. The matches will be fought elimination style and the survivors will each receive 3 points for victory.
Round Two is a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match. The competitors will receive 3 points for each pinfall (or submission) they score and an additional 3 points for overall victory? Confused? Too bad! Let's get to the ring...
1) The first match pitted Jesus Christ, Manager of Manager's stable against Poppin' Corn's Dog Soldiers. These two managers have fought tooth and nail over differences in faith and today, it all comes to a head. And it went down like this:
* Diesel Injun pinned Dr. Matsumoto @ 15:17
* Michael Three-Cheeses pinned Lee Harvey Awesome @ 17:35
* Manitou McIntosh pinned Orville Knorville @ 19:48
3pts = Diesel Injun
3pts = Michael Three-Cheeses
3pts = Manitou McIntosh
2) Next up, The Millionaire's Million Dollar Dream Team took on Grapplecats... but since Tiger Nightmare is in the main event, we're letting him save himself and giving him the match off. So the match ended up going like this...
* Cobra Jaguar made "Kingbee" Willy Malone tap @ 14:51
* Cobra Jaguar was counted out @ 15:12 when an outside-the-ring scuffle with JC Superstar went on a little too long!
* JC Superstar pinned Battle Cat @ 17:08
3pts = JC Superstar
3pts = Chadillac
3) The next match saw the Deadly Friends take on Mick Drivor's team of ... uh... well, we don't have a catchy name for them. But they're really tough. And the same rules applied to the Deadly Friends - we let FLR have the match off to prepare for his title shot. But just as the match was about to start, who should run to the ring but last year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy!
He said there was no way he was going to let the show go on without him and he took the injured Sgt. Octopus' place! As the current reigning Hungarian Champion, we couldn't stop him - plus, he invoked the legendary Bowl Clause in order to insert himself in the match!
* Lobo Uno pinned Persuader @ 16:37
* Phantom Dandy pinned Hannibal Murdoch @ 18:37
3pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = Chico Malaise'
4) Tonight's main event was a classic scientific match-up of epic proportions between Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Tiger Nightmare - the reigning and defending World's Heavyweight Champion. The match saw managers on both sides attempt to cheat in order to score victory. The match saw blood, sweat and tears. And finally, the match saw this...
Your winner and STILL World's Champion: Tiger Nightmare!
3pts = Tiger Nightmare
5) Finally, it was time for the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix finale. Per the rules, only 6 men can enter the Thunderdome, so Diesel Injun drew the short straw in order to leave two representatives from each team. Phantom Dandy, having pulled a hamstring during the previous match, sat this one out. The match went like this...
* Manitou McIntosh started the match against his own partner, Michael Three-Cheeses!
* At 1:00, Lobo Uno entered the fray!
* JC Superstar was next in at the 2 minute mark!
* Chadillac was the next entrant at 3 minutes.
* Finally, Chico Malaise' was buzzed in and the War Games began...
* Lobo Uno pinned Michael Three-Cheeses @ 5:10
* Lobo Uno made the Chadillac tap at 7:06
* JC Superstar pinned Manitou McIntosh @ 7:58
* Chico Malaise' pinned his own partner, Lobo Uno, @ 10:18
Chico Malaise pinned JC Superstar @ 11:54 to win! He was granted possession of the old Hungarian Championship belt by Phantom Dandy. In addition, he has the right to challenge for a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship at any time, under whatever stipulation he chooses!
6pts = Lobo Uno
3pts = JC Superstar
6pts = Chico Malaise
Check the Rasslin' Bidness page to see the month-end score totals! Make a challenge for next week! Remember that Sgt. Octopus and Chadillac are both on the injured list!
7.2.13
* FUCR FRIDAY * 2/8/13 * RESULTS! *
With Deadly Genesis II in the rear view mirror, we cast our gaze forward to the first FUCR Friday event - and what an event! Newly crowned World's Heavyweight Champion Tiger Nightmare puts his belt on the line against the former champ and last season's Wrestler of the Year, J.C. Superstar. Let's get right to the action...
1) Kicking it all off was a fierce battle between Manitou McIntosh (Poppin Corn) and Hannibal Murdoch (Rush Limbaugh) . It was about as even of a match as either manager could hope for and 100% action from bell to bell. At 5:28, the man who shares his name with not one, but TWO members of the A-Team scored a pinfall.
Hannibal Murdoch = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:28
2) Next up, Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor) and Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers) squared off in another epic battle. It was a rematch of sorts, as these two men were the final competitors in a 6-man over the top rope battle royal which took place last week - a battle royal that Lobo Uno, the lone wolf who walks alone, howling at the moon in the dead of night, won. No quarter asked, none given - this was a war of attrition. But there can be only one and tonight, that one was Lee Harvey Awesome via pinfall. If ever there was a match that deserved rematch, it was this one!
Lee Harvey Awesome = 3pts. via pinfall @ 7:24
3) Officially, Cobra Jaguar (Simon Pimpleton) challenged The Chadillac (Millionaire) to a match... unofficially, their teammates Battle Cat and "Kingbee" Willy Malone joined in the fracas to make this a Texas Tornado tag team battle. And the end result...
Chadillac = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 6:11
4) Only one man can lay claim to a pinfall victory over Dr. Matsumoto. That man is former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Mick "Truck" Drivor) ... It is this fact which makes Diesel Injun's(Poppin Corn) victory over the former Marine Corps drill sergeant that much more impressive. Diesel dominated the match due to a heaping helping of interference from Michael Three-Cheeses, who was eventually ejected from the ringside area.
Diesel Injun = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:36
5) Did we say only one man has pinned Dr. Matsumoto? Oh... well... I guess having a guy like The Persuader as your teammate can work in your favor. But make no mistake; while the coaching skills and alleged brass knucks of the Persuader may have helped, the Architect of Pain won this one through skill, determination and a seriously piss-poor attitude.
Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain = 3pts. via pinfall @ 3:16
6) Which brings us to our main event. We've captured the second half of the match and posted it for your viewing pleasure. It was quite a doozy and it was for all the money, marbles and chalk. Last week, Tiger Nightmare, the leader of the Grapplecats, took home the title in a Beyond Thunderdome: War Games Elimination Match. But can he hold on to his crown against the stepson of a carpenter? The man who previously held the belt: J.C. Superstar?
Tiger Nightmare = 3pts. via pinfall @ 5:38 + 1 rematch point.
* And that's the show, folks! We'll be back in just seven short days on February 15, 2013 for another awesome show. Please get your challenges in before Friday night is over and please talk as much shit as you can on the message boards! * And don't forget - if a loser challenges a winner to a rematch, there's an extra point on the line! *
1) Kicking it all off was a fierce battle between Manitou McIntosh (Poppin Corn) and Hannibal Murdoch (Rush Limbaugh) . It was about as even of a match as either manager could hope for and 100% action from bell to bell. At 5:28, the man who shares his name with not one, but TWO members of the A-Team scored a pinfall.
Hannibal Murdoch = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:28
2) Next up, Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor) and Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ, Manager of Managers) squared off in another epic battle. It was a rematch of sorts, as these two men were the final competitors in a 6-man over the top rope battle royal which took place last week - a battle royal that Lobo Uno, the lone wolf who walks alone, howling at the moon in the dead of night, won. No quarter asked, none given - this was a war of attrition. But there can be only one and tonight, that one was Lee Harvey Awesome via pinfall. If ever there was a match that deserved rematch, it was this one!
Lee Harvey Awesome = 3pts. via pinfall @ 7:24
3) Officially, Cobra Jaguar (Simon Pimpleton) challenged The Chadillac (Millionaire) to a match... unofficially, their teammates Battle Cat and "Kingbee" Willy Malone joined in the fracas to make this a Texas Tornado tag team battle. And the end result...
Chadillac = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 6:11
4) Only one man can lay claim to a pinfall victory over Dr. Matsumoto. That man is former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Mick "Truck" Drivor) ... It is this fact which makes Diesel Injun's(Poppin Corn) victory over the former Marine Corps drill sergeant that much more impressive. Diesel dominated the match due to a heaping helping of interference from Michael Three-Cheeses, who was eventually ejected from the ringside area.
Diesel Injun = 3 pts. via pinfall @ 5:36
5) Did we say only one man has pinned Dr. Matsumoto? Oh... well... I guess having a guy like The Persuader as your teammate can work in your favor. But make no mistake; while the coaching skills and alleged brass knucks of the Persuader may have helped, the Architect of Pain won this one through skill, determination and a seriously piss-poor attitude.
Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain = 3pts. via pinfall @ 3:16
6) Which brings us to our main event. We've captured the second half of the match and posted it for your viewing pleasure. It was quite a doozy and it was for all the money, marbles and chalk. Last week, Tiger Nightmare, the leader of the Grapplecats, took home the title in a Beyond Thunderdome: War Games Elimination Match. But can he hold on to his crown against the stepson of a carpenter? The man who previously held the belt: J.C. Superstar?
Tiger Nightmare = 3pts. via pinfall @ 5:38 + 1 rematch point.
* And that's the show, folks! We'll be back in just seven short days on February 15, 2013 for another awesome show. Please get your challenges in before Friday night is over and please talk as much shit as you can on the message boards! * And don't forget - if a loser challenges a winner to a rematch, there's an extra point on the line! *
31.1.13
* DEADLY GENESIS * 2/1/13 * RESULTS
Welcome to the inaugural free-for-view of the 2013 season! Only two matches are in store tonight and no points are on the line (except for the one Championship Point awarded if a new World's Champion is crowned)...
Why waste time? Let's get right to the action. Our first match was a 6-man battle royal with Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor) vs. Diesel Injun (Poppin Corn) vs. Cobra Jaguar (Simon Pimpleton) vs. "Kingbee" Willy LaLonde (Millionaire) vs. Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ) vs. Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain (Limbaugh) ... and we're of the mind that it's better to SHOW than tell.
We've broken the match into two parts. Those of you who enjoy awesome action will want to watch both. Those who just want to see how it ends should watch part two.
Part One
Part Two
* And now it's time for the main event! A Beyond Thunderdome: War Games Elimination Chamber featuring six of the top stars from each stable. Entering randomly at one minute intervals, these men will battle for the richest prize in the sport: the Undisputed World's Heavyweight Championship!
* Two former World's Champions, in the form of Dr. Matsumoto (Jesus Christ) and The Persuader (Rush Limbaugh) , kicked off the action. At the one-minute mark, Michael Three-Cheeses (Poppin' Corn) entered the fray and went straight for Persuader. At two minutes, another former World's Champion, Sgt. Octopus (Mick "Truck" Drivor), took the fight to Dr. Matsumoto before a free-for-all broke out and all four men traded opponents as often as they traded blows.
Until Tiger Nightmare (Simon Pimpleton) entered the ring and teamed with Michael Three-Cheeses in a futile attempt to eliminate the Persuader. At 4:00,the final combatant - reigning World's Heavyweight Champion J.C Superstar (Millionaire) entered the ring and the War Games began!
* At 8:34, Tiger Nightmare pinned Michael Three-Cheeses
* At 9:17, Tiger Nightmare pinned The Persuader
* At the 9:38 mark, J.C. Superstar pinned Sgt. Octopus, just as he did last season when he won the World's Heavyweight Championship!
* J.C. Superstar pinned Dr. Matsumoto @ 10:16... and then there were two.
Congratulations to Tiger Nightmare, the NEW Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion via pinfall @ 11:28.
* And that ends Deadly Genesis II - and begins the new season of Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin! Now it's time to get your challenges in for next week! *
Why waste time? Let's get right to the action. Our first match was a 6-man battle royal with Lobo Uno (Mick "Truck" Drivor) vs. Diesel Injun (Poppin Corn) vs. Cobra Jaguar (Simon Pimpleton) vs. "Kingbee" Willy LaLonde (Millionaire) vs. Lee Harvey Awesome (Jesus Christ) vs. Franklin Lloyd Right, Architect of Pain (Limbaugh) ... and we're of the mind that it's better to SHOW than tell.
We've broken the match into two parts. Those of you who enjoy awesome action will want to watch both. Those who just want to see how it ends should watch part two.
Part One
Part Two
* And now it's time for the main event! A Beyond Thunderdome: War Games Elimination Chamber featuring six of the top stars from each stable. Entering randomly at one minute intervals, these men will battle for the richest prize in the sport: the Undisputed World's Heavyweight Championship!
* Two former World's Champions, in the form of Dr. Matsumoto (Jesus Christ) and The Persuader (Rush Limbaugh) , kicked off the action. At the one-minute mark, Michael Three-Cheeses (Poppin' Corn) entered the fray and went straight for Persuader. At two minutes, another former World's Champion, Sgt. Octopus (Mick "Truck" Drivor), took the fight to Dr. Matsumoto before a free-for-all broke out and all four men traded opponents as often as they traded blows.
Until Tiger Nightmare (Simon Pimpleton) entered the ring and teamed with Michael Three-Cheeses in a futile attempt to eliminate the Persuader. At 4:00,the final combatant - reigning World's Heavyweight Champion J.C Superstar (Millionaire) entered the ring and the War Games began!
* At 8:34, Tiger Nightmare pinned Michael Three-Cheeses
* At 9:17, Tiger Nightmare pinned The Persuader
* At the 9:38 mark, J.C. Superstar pinned Sgt. Octopus, just as he did last season when he won the World's Heavyweight Championship!
* J.C. Superstar pinned Dr. Matsumoto @ 10:16... and then there were two.
Congratulations to Tiger Nightmare, the NEW Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion via pinfall @ 11:28.
* And that ends Deadly Genesis II - and begins the new season of Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin! Now it's time to get your challenges in for next week! *
26.1.13
2013 BEGINS NOW!
Welcome back one and all! Last season, professional fantasy wrestling celebrated its 5th year of existence. As the door of this anniversary closed, a window was opened. And once those curtains were cast aside and the glass panes raised, all were awed as Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin stepped forward into a sunny future. The future of 2013.
Ladies and gentlemen, these are your FUCR managers for the season.
Mick "Truck" Drivor returns and brings with him a stable of purebred stallions including former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus, the dangerous lone wolf known as Lobo Uno and the 7' tall British-Samoan master of mixed/mystical martial arts known as Chico Malaise'.
The Susan Lucci of professional fantasy wrestling, the Millionaire, once again has his sights set on the Prize. His stable consists of returning World's Heavyweight Champion and Wrestler of the Year J.C. Superstar and a couple of second-generation protégés, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and the man they call Chadillac. Will this finally be his year?
Poppin' Corn is fresh out of the microwave and ready to rumble! Inspired by his deep passion for the legacy of the American Indian, he has contracted the services of Michael Three-Cheeses' Dog Soldiers: Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh.
Child prodigy The Amazing Simon Pimpleton can't grow a mustache, but his scientific skills would undoubtedly convince a 14th century village that he was a high-level wizard. His dream of petting a kitty put him in contact with the Grapplecats - an international cartel of grapplers sporting a feline gimmick.
And fucking Rush Limbaugh's Deadly Friends. Former World's Champion The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Hannibal Murdoch.
But seated on a throne of not gold, but only the grass beneath one's feet, Jesus Christ himself lazily ate of an apple and cast his eye toward the vast and mighty cosmos.
"John the Baptist, I'm booooored,", he intoned. "What plaything can you offer me?"
"The planet earth, your majesty." the man who baptized Jesus in the waters of the river Jordan replied.
And lo, the Messiah did see professional fantasy wrestling. And he saw that it was good. Never one to pass up competition and seeking to regain a measure of pride to the detriment of the reigning World's Champion, the Lamb of God has obtained a manager's license. And at his right hand is the dreaded Dr. Matsumoto, two-time World's Champion and the man who defeated Count Dante in mortal combat. Rounding out his stable of characters are stuntman Orville Knorville and the dark horse known as Lee Harvey Awesome.
Next Friday, the 2013 FUCR season kicks off with DEADLY GENESIS II - our first free-for-view. In keeping with the tradition of a level playing field, the World's Heavyweight Championship will defended in a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match! JC Superstar will step into the ring with the finest representatives of each stable: Dr. Matsumoto, Sgt. Octopus, Michael Three-Cheeses, Tiger Nightmare and The Persuader! That's four World Champions in one match! That's pure insanity! That's Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Tune in February 1, 2013 for results.
* card subject to change
Ladies and gentlemen, these are your FUCR managers for the season.
Mick "Truck" Drivor returns and brings with him a stable of purebred stallions including former World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus, the dangerous lone wolf known as Lobo Uno and the 7' tall British-Samoan master of mixed/mystical martial arts known as Chico Malaise'.
The Susan Lucci of professional fantasy wrestling, the Millionaire, once again has his sights set on the Prize. His stable consists of returning World's Heavyweight Champion and Wrestler of the Year J.C. Superstar and a couple of second-generation protégés, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and the man they call Chadillac. Will this finally be his year?
Poppin' Corn is fresh out of the microwave and ready to rumble! Inspired by his deep passion for the legacy of the American Indian, he has contracted the services of Michael Three-Cheeses' Dog Soldiers: Diesel Injun and Manitou McIntosh.
Child prodigy The Amazing Simon Pimpleton can't grow a mustache, but his scientific skills would undoubtedly convince a 14th century village that he was a high-level wizard. His dream of petting a kitty put him in contact with the Grapplecats - an international cartel of grapplers sporting a feline gimmick.
And fucking Rush Limbaugh's Deadly Friends. Former World's Champion The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain and Hannibal Murdoch.
But seated on a throne of not gold, but only the grass beneath one's feet, Jesus Christ himself lazily ate of an apple and cast his eye toward the vast and mighty cosmos.
"John the Baptist, I'm booooored,", he intoned. "What plaything can you offer me?"
"The planet earth, your majesty." the man who baptized Jesus in the waters of the river Jordan replied.
And lo, the Messiah did see professional fantasy wrestling. And he saw that it was good. Never one to pass up competition and seeking to regain a measure of pride to the detriment of the reigning World's Champion, the Lamb of God has obtained a manager's license. And at his right hand is the dreaded Dr. Matsumoto, two-time World's Champion and the man who defeated Count Dante in mortal combat. Rounding out his stable of characters are stuntman Orville Knorville and the dark horse known as Lee Harvey Awesome.
Next Friday, the 2013 FUCR season kicks off with DEADLY GENESIS II - our first free-for-view. In keeping with the tradition of a level playing field, the World's Heavyweight Championship will defended in a 6-man Beyond Thunderdome: War Games match! JC Superstar will step into the ring with the finest representatives of each stable: Dr. Matsumoto, Sgt. Octopus, Michael Three-Cheeses, Tiger Nightmare and The Persuader! That's four World Champions in one match! That's pure insanity! That's Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Tune in February 1, 2013 for results.
* card subject to change
24.6.12
* SLAMARAMA * June 25, 2012 * RESULTS *
Five years ago today, Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton saw his dream made real. With the crowning of Monte Altazzar as the first ever Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion, the dream of breaking down barriers and uniting the various worlds of friends and fantasy wrestling became a truth too powerful to be denied. And today, we congregate to witness and pay homage to the celebration of life, liberty and the pursuit of awesomeness that is Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Welcome to SLAMARAMA 2012.
We'll be doing things a little differently this year. With the point totals so close, we're going to update you between every match, to let you know exactly where each manager stands at that exact moment. Hopefully this will increase the dramatic tension and make for a better overall experience. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will poop themselves.
Unfortunately (or quite fortunately, depending on who you are), we have an admission to make. A very grievous error has occured on the part of the FUCR Board of Dirctors, one that we luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you are) caught just before we posted these results. If you're usually someone who skims these results, you might just want to start taking your time to read them right now.
Whilst tallying up the point totals to determine Manager of the Year, Wrestler of the Year and all of the runners up, we came to a startling realization: the FUCR Board of Pointkeepers failed to note Pierre St. Cloud's earnings in the Wheezleton Memoriale on the Rasslin Bidness (managers, stables and points) page. The positive side of this error is that it has made for a very exciting season, with the illusion of a much closer race toward the finish line. The negative side, other than the egg on our faces, is the fact that OUI was denied NINE points. But the error, having been discovered, will now be rectified as we enter the final event of the season.
We apologize for any confusion and furor that may be ignited due to this error. We now give you the point totals as they stand now, wish you all the best of luck and kick off SLAMARAMA!
Opulence Unlimited International leads with 62 points
The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno are tied with 55 points each.
Cesar Romero holds steady in 3rd place with 52 points.
Mick "Truck" Drivor, with 41, stands little chance of winning - but you'd never know that by the way his stable fights tooth and nail!
Now let's get to the scrappin'...
1) Our opening match featured two unlikely team ups: Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) and The Negotiator (Drivor) taking on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - the match was a brilliant opener and incited the crowd to a near riot. You can watch most of it right here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
2) The next match featured Danny Divine (OUI) in action against a man not heard of in fantasy wrestling for some time. A name whispered in secret places where ghouls and goblins frequent. A shadowy figure whose tentacles reach across your soul like nails on an existential chalkboard. A man whose presence is so powerful, it actually shorted out our cameras. As a result, we can't show you the match, but can only present this entrance video, taped at Starrcade a few years ago...
Needless to say, the crowd went wild as GOLAR decimated Danny Divine in record time.
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
3) The cameras still hadn't been fixed when the 4-Way Elimination Match began. The Phantom Dandy, Duke Alexander Stallion, Lassiter Arcade and Maximus Von Zeus went at it like dogs in heat. Except that they were wrestling instead of having sex, and no one's penis got stuck in someone's vagina, necessitating FUCR officials to throw a bucket of water on them to get them apart. Anyway, here's the order of elimination:
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Duke Alexander Stallion @ 6:32 - 1pt
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Maximus Von Zeus @ 8:06 - 1pt
* Phantom Dandy knocked Arcade out @ 10:08 - 4pts
WINNER: Phantom Dandy!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 46
4) The next match featured two former World's Heavyweight Champions and longtime rivals, The Thrillionaire and Dr. Matsumoto, in a TLC match with $25,000 in a briefcase suspended above the ring! The last time these two met, it went over 15 minutes and Matsumoto barely scraped by with a victory. This time, the outcome was decided in less than 5 minutes, prompting many a fan to chant "bullshit!" Nevertheless, we managed to get our cameras operational again and captured the final moments for you here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 55
Millionaire = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 49
5) It only made sense that when Profesor Infierno and The Millionaire once again met in the ring, it would be a battle of magic between Warlock Star and Doctor Spectacular. After all, hadn't these men given us so much magic all season? FUCR officials decided earlier in the day that the contest would be a 2-out-of-3-falls match and it was a fucking barnburner!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 58
Romero = 55
Millionaire = 55
Drivor = 49
6) And there you have it. The season has been decided... or has it?
In light of the fact that OUI has been absent from the message boards for the better part of the past month, we are adding a caveat to their victory and title of Managers of the Year: If a OUI does not issue a statement claiming their prize on the message boards by NOON on Monday, June 25, 2012, they will forfeit the award and it will be given to the runner up! Favor has been on OUI's side this season, and their victories at both of our major events - The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale - may not have paid off in World's Title reigns, but they represent two unique prizes that are quite special unto themselves, as OUI's command of the top spot has proven.
But it may all be for naught if Jim and Carol Halstedder can't be bothered to slip out from beneath their satin sheets and claim the prize they so richly deserve. As Dr. Matsumoto's forfeit of the World's Championship earlier this season has proven, the FUCR Board of Directors, in conjunction with the VGWA, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body of fantasy professional wrestling isn't fucking around this season. If you don't show up, you get the boot.
Speaking of the runners up and potential Managers of the Year... If Sgt. Octopus is successful in his title defense, his manager (Cesar Romero) will be tied with Profesor Infierno at 58 points, in which case a sudden death match will determine the winner. But if JC Superstar is successful, it will propel The Millionaire to the top spot with 59 points!
And the World's Heavyeight Championship still hangs in the balance between Sgt. Octopus and his #1
Contender, JC Superstar. It's been a long, hard road for both men, and their final battle must be decided in the deadliest match of alll - A BEYOND THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH!
So how did it go down? It took only 4 minutes and 12 seconds...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66 - Manager of the Year! (provisional)
The Millionaire = 59
Profesor Infierno = 58
Cesar Romero = 55
Mick "Truck" Drivor = 49
And that's the season! Congratulations to the new World's Heavyweight Champion (and with a grand total of 30 points, the Wrestler of the Year) JC Superstar! And Congratulations to Opulence Unlimited International - the Managers of the Year!
And perhaps, congratulations to The Millionaire, the runner up and potential Manager of the Year if OUI does not claim their prize!
Most of all, thank you to everyone who participated this season, and even to those of you who didn't. Without you, FUCR would be nothing more than a man smoking pot, watching his video game play against itself, recording the matches and posting them online. But because of you, it is a shared tradition of friendship, love, hatred, thinly veiled homosexuality, violence and anger. YOU are what makes the magic happen.
See you next season!
Welcome to SLAMARAMA 2012.
We'll be doing things a little differently this year. With the point totals so close, we're going to update you between every match, to let you know exactly where each manager stands at that exact moment. Hopefully this will increase the dramatic tension and make for a better overall experience. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will poop themselves.
Unfortunately (or quite fortunately, depending on who you are), we have an admission to make. A very grievous error has occured on the part of the FUCR Board of Dirctors, one that we luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you are) caught just before we posted these results. If you're usually someone who skims these results, you might just want to start taking your time to read them right now.
Whilst tallying up the point totals to determine Manager of the Year, Wrestler of the Year and all of the runners up, we came to a startling realization: the FUCR Board of Pointkeepers failed to note Pierre St. Cloud's earnings in the Wheezleton Memoriale on the Rasslin Bidness (managers, stables and points) page. The positive side of this error is that it has made for a very exciting season, with the illusion of a much closer race toward the finish line. The negative side, other than the egg on our faces, is the fact that OUI was denied NINE points. But the error, having been discovered, will now be rectified as we enter the final event of the season.
We apologize for any confusion and furor that may be ignited due to this error. We now give you the point totals as they stand now, wish you all the best of luck and kick off SLAMARAMA!
Opulence Unlimited International leads with 62 points
The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno are tied with 55 points each.
Cesar Romero holds steady in 3rd place with 52 points.
Mick "Truck" Drivor, with 41, stands little chance of winning - but you'd never know that by the way his stable fights tooth and nail!
Now let's get to the scrappin'...
1) Our opening match featured two unlikely team ups: Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) and The Negotiator (Drivor) taking on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - the match was a brilliant opener and incited the crowd to a near riot. You can watch most of it right here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
2) The next match featured Danny Divine (OUI) in action against a man not heard of in fantasy wrestling for some time. A name whispered in secret places where ghouls and goblins frequent. A shadowy figure whose tentacles reach across your soul like nails on an existential chalkboard. A man whose presence is so powerful, it actually shorted out our cameras. As a result, we can't show you the match, but can only present this entrance video, taped at Starrcade a few years ago...
Needless to say, the crowd went wild as GOLAR decimated Danny Divine in record time.
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
3) The cameras still hadn't been fixed when the 4-Way Elimination Match began. The Phantom Dandy, Duke Alexander Stallion, Lassiter Arcade and Maximus Von Zeus went at it like dogs in heat. Except that they were wrestling instead of having sex, and no one's penis got stuck in someone's vagina, necessitating FUCR officials to throw a bucket of water on them to get them apart. Anyway, here's the order of elimination:
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Duke Alexander Stallion @ 6:32 - 1pt
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Maximus Von Zeus @ 8:06 - 1pt
* Phantom Dandy knocked Arcade out @ 10:08 - 4pts
WINNER: Phantom Dandy!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 46
4) The next match featured two former World's Heavyweight Champions and longtime rivals, The Thrillionaire and Dr. Matsumoto, in a TLC match with $25,000 in a briefcase suspended above the ring! The last time these two met, it went over 15 minutes and Matsumoto barely scraped by with a victory. This time, the outcome was decided in less than 5 minutes, prompting many a fan to chant "bullshit!" Nevertheless, we managed to get our cameras operational again and captured the final moments for you here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 55
Millionaire = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 49
5) It only made sense that when Profesor Infierno and The Millionaire once again met in the ring, it would be a battle of magic between Warlock Star and Doctor Spectacular. After all, hadn't these men given us so much magic all season? FUCR officials decided earlier in the day that the contest would be a 2-out-of-3-falls match and it was a fucking barnburner!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 58
Romero = 55
Millionaire = 55
Drivor = 49
6) And there you have it. The season has been decided... or has it?
In light of the fact that OUI has been absent from the message boards for the better part of the past month, we are adding a caveat to their victory and title of Managers of the Year: If a OUI does not issue a statement claiming their prize on the message boards by NOON on Monday, June 25, 2012, they will forfeit the award and it will be given to the runner up! Favor has been on OUI's side this season, and their victories at both of our major events - The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale - may not have paid off in World's Title reigns, but they represent two unique prizes that are quite special unto themselves, as OUI's command of the top spot has proven.
But it may all be for naught if Jim and Carol Halstedder can't be bothered to slip out from beneath their satin sheets and claim the prize they so richly deserve. As Dr. Matsumoto's forfeit of the World's Championship earlier this season has proven, the FUCR Board of Directors, in conjunction with the VGWA, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body of fantasy professional wrestling isn't fucking around this season. If you don't show up, you get the boot.
Speaking of the runners up and potential Managers of the Year... If Sgt. Octopus is successful in his title defense, his manager (Cesar Romero) will be tied with Profesor Infierno at 58 points, in which case a sudden death match will determine the winner. But if JC Superstar is successful, it will propel The Millionaire to the top spot with 59 points!
And the World's Heavyeight Championship still hangs in the balance between Sgt. Octopus and his #1
Contender, JC Superstar. It's been a long, hard road for both men, and their final battle must be decided in the deadliest match of alll - A BEYOND THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH!
So how did it go down? It took only 4 minutes and 12 seconds...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66 - Manager of the Year! (provisional)
The Millionaire = 59
Profesor Infierno = 58
Cesar Romero = 55
Mick "Truck" Drivor = 49
And that's the season! Congratulations to the new World's Heavyweight Champion (and with a grand total of 30 points, the Wrestler of the Year) JC Superstar! And Congratulations to Opulence Unlimited International - the Managers of the Year!
And perhaps, congratulations to The Millionaire, the runner up and potential Manager of the Year if OUI does not claim their prize!
Most of all, thank you to everyone who participated this season, and even to those of you who didn't. Without you, FUCR would be nothing more than a man smoking pot, watching his video game play against itself, recording the matches and posting them online. But because of you, it is a shared tradition of friendship, love, hatred, thinly veiled homosexuality, violence and anger. YOU are what makes the magic happen.
See you next season!
10.6.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * JUNE 11, 2012 * RESULTS! *
Welcome to another installment of MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM, brought to you by the fine folks at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin.
We don't know if you've been paying attention to the message boards, but it's been a whirlwind of a week! Several fans raised their voices, demanding a World Championship title defense from the champion, Sgt. Octopus. The Millionaire himself chimed in, demanding a match that made literally NO sense. Unfortunately, having a lot of money means having a pretty sweet legal team, and our representatives have spent the past 24 hours battling it out in an attempt to reconfigure the contracts.
We came up with a doozy that will hopefully satisfy all parties... tonight, the World's Heavyweight Championship will be on the line in the main event! Sgt. Octopus teams with Tokyo Torres against The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade - if any man can pin Sgt. Octopus, they will walk out with the title. (a gentleman's agreement between Cesar Romero and Profesor Infierno guaranteed that if Tokyo Torres scored a pinfall, he would receive a title shot)
As a result of these legal shenanigans we don't have a lot of time for a lengthy write up; instead, we invite you to just watch the action unfold as it did before our eyes.
1) Dr. Matsumoto (Mick "Truck" Drivor) & JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) & Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno)
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @10:09
2) OUI disappeared this week and didn't take part in any challenges or trash talking. As a result, they found their men Danny Divine & the Phantom Dandy up against two unsigned grapplers, Harlan Murphy and Chesterfield Suppleknuckle.
Winners: Suppleknuckle & Murphy via submission @9:59
3) The main event of the morning was the aforementioned match pitting World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and his teammate Tokyo Torres (Infierno) against the Thrillionaire (Welz) and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) ...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @12:44
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
Congratulations to the winning team - unfortunately, The Thrillionaire was so caught up in the excitement, he pinned the wrong man! As a result, the title does not change hands. After the match, as the winners exited the ringside area, two fans who had bought ringside seats splashed their jumbo sized beverages on The Thrillionaire - it was Kurt Neubuling and B.T. Oswald! They offered a string of obscenities to the would-be-champ.
Then, who should appear but Cheryl Halstedder and the OUI stable! Her team attacked the World's Champion and administered a beatdown... the reason? REVENGE! You see, after Sgt. Octopus' victory over Pierre St. Cloud, Cesar Romero was granted one night with Cheryl. She awoke the next day, hungover and noticably missing her most prized possession. That's right - - Romero & Co. had shaved the glorious 1970s-ish pubic thatch for which Cheryl had become famous! As a result, she was humiliated and refused to show her face (or any other part of her) in public. But today, revenge was hers! Bloody revenge in the form of an asswhupping! What will Mr. Romero say about that?
The points are pretty goddamn close and next week is the final show before SLAMARAMA! Who will be the highest scoring wrestler? Who will secure the opportunity to main event the biggest show of the season? Managers, check your scores and make your challenges...
We don't know if you've been paying attention to the message boards, but it's been a whirlwind of a week! Several fans raised their voices, demanding a World Championship title defense from the champion, Sgt. Octopus. The Millionaire himself chimed in, demanding a match that made literally NO sense. Unfortunately, having a lot of money means having a pretty sweet legal team, and our representatives have spent the past 24 hours battling it out in an attempt to reconfigure the contracts.
We came up with a doozy that will hopefully satisfy all parties... tonight, the World's Heavyweight Championship will be on the line in the main event! Sgt. Octopus teams with Tokyo Torres against The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade - if any man can pin Sgt. Octopus, they will walk out with the title. (a gentleman's agreement between Cesar Romero and Profesor Infierno guaranteed that if Tokyo Torres scored a pinfall, he would receive a title shot)
As a result of these legal shenanigans we don't have a lot of time for a lengthy write up; instead, we invite you to just watch the action unfold as it did before our eyes.
1) Dr. Matsumoto (Mick "Truck" Drivor) & JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) & Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno)
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @10:09
2) OUI disappeared this week and didn't take part in any challenges or trash talking. As a result, they found their men Danny Divine & the Phantom Dandy up against two unsigned grapplers, Harlan Murphy and Chesterfield Suppleknuckle.
Winners: Suppleknuckle & Murphy via submission @9:59
3) The main event of the morning was the aforementioned match pitting World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and his teammate Tokyo Torres (Infierno) against the Thrillionaire (Welz) and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) ...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @12:44
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
Congratulations to the winning team - unfortunately, The Thrillionaire was so caught up in the excitement, he pinned the wrong man! As a result, the title does not change hands. After the match, as the winners exited the ringside area, two fans who had bought ringside seats splashed their jumbo sized beverages on The Thrillionaire - it was Kurt Neubuling and B.T. Oswald! They offered a string of obscenities to the would-be-champ.
Then, who should appear but Cheryl Halstedder and the OUI stable! Her team attacked the World's Champion and administered a beatdown... the reason? REVENGE! You see, after Sgt. Octopus' victory over Pierre St. Cloud, Cesar Romero was granted one night with Cheryl. She awoke the next day, hungover and noticably missing her most prized possession. That's right - - Romero & Co. had shaved the glorious 1970s-ish pubic thatch for which Cheryl had become famous! As a result, she was humiliated and refused to show her face (or any other part of her) in public. But today, revenge was hers! Bloody revenge in the form of an asswhupping! What will Mr. Romero say about that?
The points are pretty goddamn close and next week is the final show before SLAMARAMA! Who will be the highest scoring wrestler? Who will secure the opportunity to main event the biggest show of the season? Managers, check your scores and make your challenges...
3.6.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * 6/04/12 * RESULTS *
Welcome back, fantasy professional rasslin' fans! Tonight's show may be hazardous to your health, so if you've got a heart condition, we advise you to just stop reading now. Ask someone healthier to read it for you and have them relate it to you in small doses so it's easier to digest.
Those of you who are feeling up to snuff, we hope you enjoy having a fucking hard-on for the next 15 minutes or however long it takes you to read this because this shit is so goddamn awesome, it will... well, it'll make your penis hard. And if you lack a penis, YOU WILL GROW ONE.
1) J.C. Superstar (Welz) has been one of the more dominant stars of the season but the past few weeks have been nothing but a series of setbacks for this promising superstar and perennial contender. Hoping to nip that losing streak in the bud, he challenged this year's Wheezleton Memoriale winner, Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) to a match.
Once again, before the mach began, a crowd of protesters surrounded the ring. Bearing signs and placards which proclaimed them to be among the 99%, they protested "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and his corporate greed. Peaceful though they were, the crowd was painted as thugs and rapists by the likes of Fox News, who make a point to cover FUCR events, and Frank Miller who... Jesus, what the fuck happened to Frank Miller?
It was a hard fought battle that saw the brutality spill outside the ring and into the crowd. Both men were nearly counted out, but the Stepson of a Carpenter was just too much for the Funky Frenchman to handle and J.C. won the match.
3pts = J.C. Superstar via pinfall @6:17
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) and Dr. Spectacular (Profesor Infierno) fought one of the most fast-paced, action packed battles we've seen all season. These two men are constantly overlooked in the World Title race, but consistently prove themselves to be worthy of future consideration. And Wolfsbane won.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @5:04
3) Tokyo Torres (Infierno) returned to action tonight, as did the Phantom Dandy (OUI) - no longer bound to the stipulation of the "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match" he lost to the Thrillionaire last month. Both men will likely be visting a manicurist and a dentist after this match, as they fought tooth and nail.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @4:59
4) Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) has proven himself to be an astonishingly adept technical wrestler on several occasions. The Thrillionaire (Welz) has begun the long, hard climb back to the top of the ladder after losing the World's Heavyweight Championship to Dr. Matsumoto. Both men had something to prove and they proved it by putting on one of the best goddamn wrestling matches we've ever had the pleasure of watching. We can only hope for a rematch.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @3:54
5) And now it's time for the main event. The rematch between World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) ... no frills, no gimmicks; just the two best wrestlers in the world today going at it one more time.
The tension was so thick, you could smash it with the rock hard penis you undoubtedly have after reading and viewing the amazing goddamn wrestling card the stars of FUCR have put on for you today. And the action? Just watch for yourselves...
4pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @6:47
**** Next week, we're hoping to do something a little differently. As the season nears its end and the Slide to Slamarama continues, we'd like to see some tag team action! So every match (or as many as possible) next week will be of the tag team variety!
Now, we don't know how or if this will work, but here's what we'd like to see:
- You can pick your opponent via challenge
- You can pick your teammate
- But you can not pick both your opponent and your teammate (though you are certainly encouraged to ask someone to team up with you)
- If a tag team is already formed, you may challenge them (and hope you get a good partner)
Make sense? We know it probably won't work out quite as perfect as we imagine it in our heads, but if it doesn't, we'll figure it out.
Now get your challenges in! ****
Those of you who are feeling up to snuff, we hope you enjoy having a fucking hard-on for the next 15 minutes or however long it takes you to read this because this shit is so goddamn awesome, it will... well, it'll make your penis hard. And if you lack a penis, YOU WILL GROW ONE.
1) J.C. Superstar (Welz) has been one of the more dominant stars of the season but the past few weeks have been nothing but a series of setbacks for this promising superstar and perennial contender. Hoping to nip that losing streak in the bud, he challenged this year's Wheezleton Memoriale winner, Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) to a match.
Once again, before the mach began, a crowd of protesters surrounded the ring. Bearing signs and placards which proclaimed them to be among the 99%, they protested "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and his corporate greed. Peaceful though they were, the crowd was painted as thugs and rapists by the likes of Fox News, who make a point to cover FUCR events, and Frank Miller who... Jesus, what the fuck happened to Frank Miller?
It was a hard fought battle that saw the brutality spill outside the ring and into the crowd. Both men were nearly counted out, but the Stepson of a Carpenter was just too much for the Funky Frenchman to handle and J.C. won the match.
3pts = J.C. Superstar via pinfall @6:17
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) and Dr. Spectacular (Profesor Infierno) fought one of the most fast-paced, action packed battles we've seen all season. These two men are constantly overlooked in the World Title race, but consistently prove themselves to be worthy of future consideration. And Wolfsbane won.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @5:04
3) Tokyo Torres (Infierno) returned to action tonight, as did the Phantom Dandy (OUI) - no longer bound to the stipulation of the "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match" he lost to the Thrillionaire last month. Both men will likely be visting a manicurist and a dentist after this match, as they fought tooth and nail.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @4:59
4) Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) has proven himself to be an astonishingly adept technical wrestler on several occasions. The Thrillionaire (Welz) has begun the long, hard climb back to the top of the ladder after losing the World's Heavyweight Championship to Dr. Matsumoto. Both men had something to prove and they proved it by putting on one of the best goddamn wrestling matches we've ever had the pleasure of watching. We can only hope for a rematch.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @3:54
5) And now it's time for the main event. The rematch between World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) ... no frills, no gimmicks; just the two best wrestlers in the world today going at it one more time.
The tension was so thick, you could smash it with the rock hard penis you undoubtedly have after reading and viewing the amazing goddamn wrestling card the stars of FUCR have put on for you today. And the action? Just watch for yourselves...
4pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @6:47
**** Next week, we're hoping to do something a little differently. As the season nears its end and the Slide to Slamarama continues, we'd like to see some tag team action! So every match (or as many as possible) next week will be of the tag team variety!
Now, we don't know how or if this will work, but here's what we'd like to see:
- You can pick your opponent via challenge
- You can pick your teammate
- But you can not pick both your opponent and your teammate (though you are certainly encouraged to ask someone to team up with you)
- If a tag team is already formed, you may challenge them (and hope you get a good partner)
Make sense? We know it probably won't work out quite as perfect as we imagine it in our heads, but if it doesn't, we'll figure it out.
Now get your challenges in! ****
28.5.12
* MEMORIAL DAY MAYHEM * MAY 28, 2012 *
The Slide to Slamarama begins here! This season of FUCR is in its final throes and you're all here to witness the bloodbath, retching and heartache. This week, we've allowed Mickey Rooney to issue special stipulations for each match. Let's see what he's got in store for us, shall we?
1) Due partly to Profesor Infierno's lack of presence on the message boards of late and mostly to the fact that Mickey Rooney is probably racist and definitely due to Rooney's irrational fear of skeletons as well as a lack of competition, Profesor Infierno found two of his charges lacing boots to tangle with a couple of bad dudes from South of the Border.
Maximus Von Zeus & Tokyo Torres took on the Mayan Sensation known as Alpha Vega and his partner from Tocula, Mexico - Lobo Uno. It was a fierce Texas Tornado match, putting all four men in the ring at the same time. It was hotter than a habenero inside the ring and out, as the action spilled all over the area. The match went exactly 6 minutes, when Maximus Von Zeus knocked out Lobo Uno, possibly with a loaded glove.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via KO @6:00
3pts = Tokyo Torres also
2) Our next match was a variation on the "Ultimate X" style match made popular in TNA, only seven times as deadly as anything that pussy league would ever put on air. Four poles measuring 15 feet high were raised at the ringposts and barbed wire was strung between them, creating an X above the ring. The barb wire was electrified, to ensure that scaredey cats, chickens and wimps stayed home. And in the center of the X, at the very crux of the biscuit, was a briefcase.
Inside the briefcase was a bevy of documentation. The contract of one Sgt. Octopus was contined within, as well as the guaranteed title shot earned by Pierre St. Cloud upon winning the Wheezleton Memoriale last week. Today, these two men did battle in one of the most dangerous matches to ever exist, and all because Mickey Rooney is a senile old ass.
As an added bonus, Cesar Romero sweetened the pot with a stipulation of his own. If Sgt. Octopus was able to win the match, maintain his career and earn a shot at the World's Championship, Romero would be granted one evening with Cheryl Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International. What makes that stipulation so patently absurd is the fact that the Halstedders are known swingers and Romero is a flaming homosexual. Or so the Hollywood Press reports...
At any rate, the match continued and nearly cost both men their lives, but at the 7:01 mark, Sgt. Octopus climbed the pole, threw Pierre St. Cloud's body onto the electrified barbed wire and brought the whole damned contraption down in the center of the ring. He briskly ran to the center of the ring, snatched up the briefcase and made his way out of the arena.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus @7:01
3) Danny Divine (OUI) defeated the Negotiator (Mick"Truck"Drivor) in a "finishing maneuver match".
3pts = Dannny Divine via finisher @4:36
4) Our next matchup was a 1st blood match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) ... ne'er have these two men met and mayhap ne'er will they again, so devastating was the destruction they wrote upon the pages of each other's faces and the canvas on which they fought. But the fans, bloodthirsty as they are, will clamor for more! Will they give it to us? We can only hope for a rematch. But today, it was the Duke who took home the victory.
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via 1st Blood @7:02
5) The main event was a rematch for the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently in the capable hands of Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor). His challenger was the man he defeated on two previous occasions to win the title, The Thrillionaire (Welz) - this time, it was a ladder match!
Prior to the sounding of the bell, a group of perhaps 15-20 fans entered the ringside area. Surrounding the ring, they simply sat down, each of them facing "The Millionaire" Matt Welz directly in th eye. "We are the 99%" was the slogan on the signs and placards they carried. Seemingly, the Occupy movement has arrived in FUCR and it has landed directly on the lap of the Millionaire.
The match was see saw for the entirity of its 15 minute duration. At one point, four ladders littered the ring. The Thrillionaire lived up to his name with high flying and death defying antics while Matsumoto pretty much just tried to kick the shit out of him. At the 7 minute mark, fans in the front row swore that they saw The Thrillionaire tap out to Matsumoto's Hajukaraju Death Grip, but only the instant replay knows for sure. What we all know is how it ended, and it ended like this...
5pts (2nd rematch) = Dr. Matsumoto. Victory @15:17
* Just as the show was about to go off the air, who should appear but Cesar Romero, Cheryl Halstedder and Sgt. Octopus!?!?! The former Marine Corps Drill Instructor held aloft the contract he'd won earlier tonight stipulating a guaranteed title shot under whatever circumstances he deemed fit... and he deemed fit to cash in that shot in a No-Holds Barred First Blood Match!
The battle raged and many fans offered weapons to the combatants. When the two men took their fight to an area populated by a group of soldiers on leave from the current fighting in Chinaraqistan, it was all over but the crying. Some say that a soldier slipped Sgt. Octopus a set of brass knucks. Others swore it was a loaded guitar and some say a loaded gun. But when one of the soldiers got ahold of the Championship Belt and placed it in the hands of the former Marine Corps Drill Instructor, the match ended with a crash as the belt was brought down upon Matsumoto's forehead, unleashing a crimson waterfall.
Your winner and NEW World's Heavyweight Champion ... Sgt. Octopus!!!
1pt = Sgt. Octopus
* After the match, during the victory celebration, Cesar Romero brought Cheryl Halstedder in close for a kiss. The two locked lips and as Romero pulled away, he felt a tingling sensation on his upper lip. Raising a hand to his face, he realized that Cheryl had covered her face in Nair and now... it had burned off his famous mustache! His prize posession, the mustache he refused to shave for three seasons on the Batman televsion series in the 1960s, was GONE! With a laugh, Cheryl blew Romero a kiss and skipped down the entrance ramp, into the arms of her lover. Romero was left in the center of the ring, crying as Sgt. Octopus tried to console him *
Get your fucking challenges in for next week!
1) Due partly to Profesor Infierno's lack of presence on the message boards of late and mostly to the fact that Mickey Rooney is probably racist and definitely due to Rooney's irrational fear of skeletons as well as a lack of competition, Profesor Infierno found two of his charges lacing boots to tangle with a couple of bad dudes from South of the Border.
Maximus Von Zeus & Tokyo Torres took on the Mayan Sensation known as Alpha Vega and his partner from Tocula, Mexico - Lobo Uno. It was a fierce Texas Tornado match, putting all four men in the ring at the same time. It was hotter than a habenero inside the ring and out, as the action spilled all over the area. The match went exactly 6 minutes, when Maximus Von Zeus knocked out Lobo Uno, possibly with a loaded glove.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via KO @6:00
3pts = Tokyo Torres also
2) Our next match was a variation on the "Ultimate X" style match made popular in TNA, only seven times as deadly as anything that pussy league would ever put on air. Four poles measuring 15 feet high were raised at the ringposts and barbed wire was strung between them, creating an X above the ring. The barb wire was electrified, to ensure that scaredey cats, chickens and wimps stayed home. And in the center of the X, at the very crux of the biscuit, was a briefcase.
Inside the briefcase was a bevy of documentation. The contract of one Sgt. Octopus was contined within, as well as the guaranteed title shot earned by Pierre St. Cloud upon winning the Wheezleton Memoriale last week. Today, these two men did battle in one of the most dangerous matches to ever exist, and all because Mickey Rooney is a senile old ass.
As an added bonus, Cesar Romero sweetened the pot with a stipulation of his own. If Sgt. Octopus was able to win the match, maintain his career and earn a shot at the World's Championship, Romero would be granted one evening with Cheryl Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International. What makes that stipulation so patently absurd is the fact that the Halstedders are known swingers and Romero is a flaming homosexual. Or so the Hollywood Press reports...
At any rate, the match continued and nearly cost both men their lives, but at the 7:01 mark, Sgt. Octopus climbed the pole, threw Pierre St. Cloud's body onto the electrified barbed wire and brought the whole damned contraption down in the center of the ring. He briskly ran to the center of the ring, snatched up the briefcase and made his way out of the arena.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus @7:01
3) Danny Divine (OUI) defeated the Negotiator (Mick"Truck"Drivor) in a "finishing maneuver match".
3pts = Dannny Divine via finisher @4:36
4) Our next matchup was a 1st blood match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) ... ne'er have these two men met and mayhap ne'er will they again, so devastating was the destruction they wrote upon the pages of each other's faces and the canvas on which they fought. But the fans, bloodthirsty as they are, will clamor for more! Will they give it to us? We can only hope for a rematch. But today, it was the Duke who took home the victory.
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via 1st Blood @7:02
5) The main event was a rematch for the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently in the capable hands of Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor). His challenger was the man he defeated on two previous occasions to win the title, The Thrillionaire (Welz) - this time, it was a ladder match!
Prior to the sounding of the bell, a group of perhaps 15-20 fans entered the ringside area. Surrounding the ring, they simply sat down, each of them facing "The Millionaire" Matt Welz directly in th eye. "We are the 99%" was the slogan on the signs and placards they carried. Seemingly, the Occupy movement has arrived in FUCR and it has landed directly on the lap of the Millionaire.
The match was see saw for the entirity of its 15 minute duration. At one point, four ladders littered the ring. The Thrillionaire lived up to his name with high flying and death defying antics while Matsumoto pretty much just tried to kick the shit out of him. At the 7 minute mark, fans in the front row swore that they saw The Thrillionaire tap out to Matsumoto's Hajukaraju Death Grip, but only the instant replay knows for sure. What we all know is how it ended, and it ended like this...
5pts (2nd rematch) = Dr. Matsumoto. Victory @15:17
* Just as the show was about to go off the air, who should appear but Cesar Romero, Cheryl Halstedder and Sgt. Octopus!?!?! The former Marine Corps Drill Instructor held aloft the contract he'd won earlier tonight stipulating a guaranteed title shot under whatever circumstances he deemed fit... and he deemed fit to cash in that shot in a No-Holds Barred First Blood Match!
The battle raged and many fans offered weapons to the combatants. When the two men took their fight to an area populated by a group of soldiers on leave from the current fighting in Chinaraqistan, it was all over but the crying. Some say that a soldier slipped Sgt. Octopus a set of brass knucks. Others swore it was a loaded guitar and some say a loaded gun. But when one of the soldiers got ahold of the Championship Belt and placed it in the hands of the former Marine Corps Drill Instructor, the match ended with a crash as the belt was brought down upon Matsumoto's forehead, unleashing a crimson waterfall.
Your winner and NEW World's Heavyweight Champion ... Sgt. Octopus!!!
1pt = Sgt. Octopus
* After the match, during the victory celebration, Cesar Romero brought Cheryl Halstedder in close for a kiss. The two locked lips and as Romero pulled away, he felt a tingling sensation on his upper lip. Raising a hand to his face, he realized that Cheryl had covered her face in Nair and now... it had burned off his famous mustache! His prize posession, the mustache he refused to shave for three seasons on the Batman televsion series in the 1960s, was GONE! With a laugh, Cheryl blew Romero a kiss and skipped down the entrance ramp, into the arms of her lover. Romero was left in the center of the ring, crying as Sgt. Octopus tried to console him *
Get your fucking challenges in for next week!
21.5.12
* the SEMI-ANNUAL WHEEZLETON MEMORIALE * MAY 22, 2012 *
Every year or so (or sometimes more often), the superstars of professional fantasy wrestling gather to pay tribute to the Father of Modern Professional Fantasy Wrestling, Mr. Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton. A man with a dream, Wheezleton broke away from the Video Game Wrestling Association and founded the Nintendo Wrestling Association in 2007. Crowning an undisputed World's Champion was only the first of his many great accomplishments. Today, 5 years later, that title will be on the line and in honor of Wheezleton, a battle royale will take place. But let us not ramble on about the past, let us celebrate the present... in the ring.
The WHEEZLETON MEMORIALE BATTLE ROYALE kicked off with a bang as Dr. Spectacular and Warlock Star entered the squared circle to do battle. 35 short seconds later, Spectacular's feet (and the rest of him) went over the top rope and landed on the concrete floor outside the ring.
The Negotiator made his way to the ring, followed by Lassiter Arcade, the Thrillionaire and Conrad Wolfsbane.
At 4:22, The Thrillionaire, intent on recapturing his World's Championship, tossed his own stablemate over the top rope, eliminating Warlock Star!
Danny Divine and Maximus Von Zeus both entered the ring, eager to toss bitches out and at 7:27, Divine made good on that promise, eliminating Lassiter Arcade.
Duke Alexander Stallion hit the ring and went straight for his old enemy, the Thrillionaire. The two did battle on and off for the remainder of the match.
At 9:00 exactly, Von Zeus eliminated the Negotiator
At 9:52, Danny Divine eliminated Conrad Wolfsbane
Pierre St. Cloud was the last man to enter the ring.
11:20 - Duke Alexander Stallion, preoccupied with the Thrillionaire, paid no attention to Danny Divine, who snuck up from behind and eliminated him!
11:53 - Pierre St. Cloud eliminated Maximus Von Zeus!
11:53 - Danny Divine eliminated the Thrillionaire!
This left but two men in the ring, both of them members of Opulence Unlimited International... Danny Divine and Pierre St. Cloud!
12:48 - Pierre St. Cloud eliminated Danny Divine to win the 2012 Wheezleton Memoriale!
The points break down like this:
Warlock Star = 2pts (1 elimination)
The Thrillionaire = 2pts (1 elimination)
Danny Divine = 8pts (4 eliminations)
Maximus Von Zeus = 2pts (1 elimination)
Pierre St. Cloud = 4pts (2 eliminations) + 5pts (victory)
*** When the season began, the FUCR Board of Directors made a promise to return the days when a #1 contender earned his way to a one-on-one shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship. But the level of competition this season is such that tonight, with the end of the season looming... this night, when there are four men equally worthy of a shot at the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship of the World... on this night, there will be a 10-minute Championship Scramble. ***
5 participants enter the match in random order every two minutes. The object is to score the final pinfall or submission before the 10-minute time limit is up. It does not matter how many pinfalls or submissions you score during the match; only who gets the final one.
First up were Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and J.C. Superstar (Millionaire) . No strangers to combat, these titans tussled back on April 16, just three weeks into the season. Tonight, they meet again to fight for the ultimate prize.
And they were joined by the current World's Heavyweight Champion, Dr. Matsumoto, at the 2 minute mark!
Tokyo Torres, who won the right to wrestle in this match by virtue of defeating J.C. Superstar just yesterday, was next, followed by the Phantom Dandy, the winner of the 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix.
The battle raged. These men, the giants of our sport, realizing a dream. For some, like the Phantom Dandy, it was a shot at redemption. For Tokyo Torres, it was the natural progression of an amazing athelete rising up through the ranks to the main event. For Sgt. Octopus, it was about proving to both the critics and himself that he deserved it. And for J.C. Superstar, it felt like divine right.
But for Dr. Matsumoto, it was about so much more. He won the vacant Championship two months ago in a grueling series of elimination matches followed by a three-way-dance. Beset by a lack of managerial assitence, Matsumoto became a man without a path. A warrior on a journey to nowhere. Enter the Truck. Now, fighting with a renewed vigor and a second title reign, the Matsumoto Dynasty seems to be in full effect... but will the foundation crack under tonight's strain?
The answer, after a full 10 minutes of war, with nary a pinfall nor submissioned scored, the bell rang and Dr. Matsumoto walked out the champion, his reign intact. He fought a battle of attrition and won, allowing no man to pin him nor score a pinfall themselves. He is awarded 3 points.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto for retaining his title @10:00
*** And that's the show, ladies and gentlemen! Make your challenges for next week NOW! "The Millionaire" Matt Welz has already made clear his desire for The Thrillionaire to cash in his guaranteed rematch against Dr. Matsumoto for the title and it'll happen NEXT WEEK! What's next? That's up to you! Be sure to take a look at the current scores while you're at it! ***
The WHEEZLETON MEMORIALE BATTLE ROYALE kicked off with a bang as Dr. Spectacular and Warlock Star entered the squared circle to do battle. 35 short seconds later, Spectacular's feet (and the rest of him) went over the top rope and landed on the concrete floor outside the ring.
The Negotiator made his way to the ring, followed by Lassiter Arcade, the Thrillionaire and Conrad Wolfsbane.
At 4:22, The Thrillionaire, intent on recapturing his World's Championship, tossed his own stablemate over the top rope, eliminating Warlock Star!
Danny Divine and Maximus Von Zeus both entered the ring, eager to toss bitches out and at 7:27, Divine made good on that promise, eliminating Lassiter Arcade.
Duke Alexander Stallion hit the ring and went straight for his old enemy, the Thrillionaire. The two did battle on and off for the remainder of the match.
At 9:00 exactly, Von Zeus eliminated the Negotiator
At 9:52, Danny Divine eliminated Conrad Wolfsbane
Pierre St. Cloud was the last man to enter the ring.
11:20 - Duke Alexander Stallion, preoccupied with the Thrillionaire, paid no attention to Danny Divine, who snuck up from behind and eliminated him!
11:53 - Pierre St. Cloud eliminated Maximus Von Zeus!
11:53 - Danny Divine eliminated the Thrillionaire!
This left but two men in the ring, both of them members of Opulence Unlimited International... Danny Divine and Pierre St. Cloud!
12:48 - Pierre St. Cloud eliminated Danny Divine to win the 2012 Wheezleton Memoriale!
The points break down like this:
Warlock Star = 2pts (1 elimination)
The Thrillionaire = 2pts (1 elimination)
Danny Divine = 8pts (4 eliminations)
Maximus Von Zeus = 2pts (1 elimination)
Pierre St. Cloud = 4pts (2 eliminations) + 5pts (victory)
*** When the season began, the FUCR Board of Directors made a promise to return the days when a #1 contender earned his way to a one-on-one shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship. But the level of competition this season is such that tonight, with the end of the season looming... this night, when there are four men equally worthy of a shot at the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship of the World... on this night, there will be a 10-minute Championship Scramble. ***
5 participants enter the match in random order every two minutes. The object is to score the final pinfall or submission before the 10-minute time limit is up. It does not matter how many pinfalls or submissions you score during the match; only who gets the final one.
First up were Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and J.C. Superstar (Millionaire) . No strangers to combat, these titans tussled back on April 16, just three weeks into the season. Tonight, they meet again to fight for the ultimate prize.
And they were joined by the current World's Heavyweight Champion, Dr. Matsumoto, at the 2 minute mark!
Tokyo Torres, who won the right to wrestle in this match by virtue of defeating J.C. Superstar just yesterday, was next, followed by the Phantom Dandy, the winner of the 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix.
The battle raged. These men, the giants of our sport, realizing a dream. For some, like the Phantom Dandy, it was a shot at redemption. For Tokyo Torres, it was the natural progression of an amazing athelete rising up through the ranks to the main event. For Sgt. Octopus, it was about proving to both the critics and himself that he deserved it. And for J.C. Superstar, it felt like divine right.
But for Dr. Matsumoto, it was about so much more. He won the vacant Championship two months ago in a grueling series of elimination matches followed by a three-way-dance. Beset by a lack of managerial assitence, Matsumoto became a man without a path. A warrior on a journey to nowhere. Enter the Truck. Now, fighting with a renewed vigor and a second title reign, the Matsumoto Dynasty seems to be in full effect... but will the foundation crack under tonight's strain?
The answer, after a full 10 minutes of war, with nary a pinfall nor submissioned scored, the bell rang and Dr. Matsumoto walked out the champion, his reign intact. He fought a battle of attrition and won, allowing no man to pin him nor score a pinfall themselves. He is awarded 3 points.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto for retaining his title @10:00
*** And that's the show, ladies and gentlemen! Make your challenges for next week NOW! "The Millionaire" Matt Welz has already made clear his desire for The Thrillionaire to cash in his guaranteed rematch against Dr. Matsumoto for the title and it'll happen NEXT WEEK! What's next? That's up to you! Be sure to take a look at the current scores while you're at it! ***
14.5.12
*** MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM *** MAY 14, 2012 *** RESULTS ***
We're halfway to the Annual Wheezleton Memoriale and the action is heating up to such a firey intensity, not even the combined efforts of Paula Deen, Gordon Ramsay and Mario Batali could stay in the FUCR kitchen for any length of time, lest they burst into flames and die on the spot. Over the past two weeks, fans have been rocked by the returns of both Profesor Infierno and Mick "Truck" Drivor, as well as the revelation that Profesor Infierno and Jenny Glorpp are not the same person (though OUI has been a bit skeptical of even that!). What type of news will rock you today? Just the same amazing in-ring action that you've come to expect from Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
1) Our first match featured this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner Phantom Dandy (OUI) taking on the submission skills of former Marine Corps Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Fans will recall that the Dandy fell short in his bid to defeat The Thrillionaire for the World's Heavyweight Championship earlier this month and per the match stipulation, is forced to wear a pair of neon short shorts and a mesh tank top. One wonders if OUI actually intended him to lose?
At any rate, he took the fight to the Octopus who, as is his tradition, saluted the servicemen and women serving around the world as well as the ones seated in the front row who probably don't even like wrestling but get free tickets so FUCR can put them in the front row as part of a PR thing to appeal to our redneck fans.
The match was a form of measured brutality which saw momentum shift often and fortitudes pushed to the limit. Sgt. Octopus stuck to his usual style of mat tacticianship (which probably isn't even a word) while the Dandy took it to the top rope far more often than you would expect from a man of his height. Here's how the match wrapped up...
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @7:41
2) Next was the long awaited match between Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno) and JC Superstar ("Millionaire" Matt Welz) - the GODWAR that fans have been clamoring for since the first week of our current season. With similar backgrounds and wrestling styles, we knew this match would be a barnburner - and it was. Not only did it set fire to the area barns, destroying livestock and crops, likely leaving the neighboring towns hungry and destitute for the next few years, it also set the very heavens aflame with its awesomeness.
One question remains... can any war, especially one waged between gods, truly be finished after just one match? Or is this simply the first volley in what is to be a long, drawn out conflict? The only way to know is to ask JC Superstar's manager, the Millionaire, if he wishes to schedule a rematch next week to avenge his loss.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:52
3) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) expected the Negotiator (Mick "Truck" Drivor) to be an easy opponent. Honestly, we all did. The Negotiator has been on a losing streak since day one and has yet to prove himself as anything but a total joke in the world of fantasy professional wrestling. Until tonight.
The match raged both outside and in and saw a new kind of passion burning in the heart of the Negotiator. Perhaps it was the fact that with a new manager, the 'Gotiator has had a fire lit under him and has been reminded of what the Eye of the Tiger is all about? We may never know the reasons, but we do know that this is how it turned out...
3pts = the Negotiator via submission @5:30 - the upset of the season!
4) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) were as evenly matched as they are mustachioed. The match was a wrestling clinic, albeit a short one. Spectacular lived up to his name in a match that most people missed as they went to the bathroom, had a smoke or bought another beer in preparation for the main event.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @3:23
5) Next was the match that fans have been clamoring for all month. Dr. Matsumoto, currently undefeated in FUCR, won the World's Heavyweight Championship at the dawn of the season but due was forced to forfeit the title when his former manager, the Brown Hornet, failed to buy him a plane ticket for last month's Title Wave free-for-view event. Tonight, guided by fantasy wrestling legend Mick "Truck" Drivor, Matsumoto hopes to regain the richest prize in the sport - a prize he never truly lost - by taking on the very man he defeated to win the belt in the first place: The Thrillionaire!
Matsumoto made his way to the ring in traditional sumo gear while the Thrillionaire wore his familiar orange tights and Kangol hat. The two men could not have had more different styles and they lit up the ring, each other and the crowd like the fucking 4th of goddamn July.
Briefly.
Dr. Matsumoto was clearly on a mission and he defeated the Thrillionaire in under four minutes to become the World's Heavyweight Champion for a second time! He did so by utilizing his signature submission move, the deadly Kajamajateho - a move that is banned in seven countries!
3pts for victory, 1 point for winning a rematch and a 1 point title bonus add up to ...
5pts = Dr. Matsumoto
*** The Thrillionaire was then carried out of the arena on a stretcher while Mick "Truck" Drivor and his motley crew of henchmen and thugs cavorted about the ring in a merry fashion as if to say "Come and get us, come and get us, come and get us... assholes."
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got just one week to go before the Wheezleton Memoriale and it's anybody's game. Make your challenges and make them count! ***
1) Our first match featured this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner Phantom Dandy (OUI) taking on the submission skills of former Marine Corps Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Fans will recall that the Dandy fell short in his bid to defeat The Thrillionaire for the World's Heavyweight Championship earlier this month and per the match stipulation, is forced to wear a pair of neon short shorts and a mesh tank top. One wonders if OUI actually intended him to lose?
At any rate, he took the fight to the Octopus who, as is his tradition, saluted the servicemen and women serving around the world as well as the ones seated in the front row who probably don't even like wrestling but get free tickets so FUCR can put them in the front row as part of a PR thing to appeal to our redneck fans.
The match was a form of measured brutality which saw momentum shift often and fortitudes pushed to the limit. Sgt. Octopus stuck to his usual style of mat tacticianship (which probably isn't even a word) while the Dandy took it to the top rope far more often than you would expect from a man of his height. Here's how the match wrapped up...
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @7:41
2) Next was the long awaited match between Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno) and JC Superstar ("Millionaire" Matt Welz) - the GODWAR that fans have been clamoring for since the first week of our current season. With similar backgrounds and wrestling styles, we knew this match would be a barnburner - and it was. Not only did it set fire to the area barns, destroying livestock and crops, likely leaving the neighboring towns hungry and destitute for the next few years, it also set the very heavens aflame with its awesomeness.
One question remains... can any war, especially one waged between gods, truly be finished after just one match? Or is this simply the first volley in what is to be a long, drawn out conflict? The only way to know is to ask JC Superstar's manager, the Millionaire, if he wishes to schedule a rematch next week to avenge his loss.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:52
3) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) expected the Negotiator (Mick "Truck" Drivor) to be an easy opponent. Honestly, we all did. The Negotiator has been on a losing streak since day one and has yet to prove himself as anything but a total joke in the world of fantasy professional wrestling. Until tonight.
The match raged both outside and in and saw a new kind of passion burning in the heart of the Negotiator. Perhaps it was the fact that with a new manager, the 'Gotiator has had a fire lit under him and has been reminded of what the Eye of the Tiger is all about? We may never know the reasons, but we do know that this is how it turned out...
3pts = the Negotiator via submission @5:30 - the upset of the season!
4) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) were as evenly matched as they are mustachioed. The match was a wrestling clinic, albeit a short one. Spectacular lived up to his name in a match that most people missed as they went to the bathroom, had a smoke or bought another beer in preparation for the main event.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @3:23
5) Next was the match that fans have been clamoring for all month. Dr. Matsumoto, currently undefeated in FUCR, won the World's Heavyweight Championship at the dawn of the season but due was forced to forfeit the title when his former manager, the Brown Hornet, failed to buy him a plane ticket for last month's Title Wave free-for-view event. Tonight, guided by fantasy wrestling legend Mick "Truck" Drivor, Matsumoto hopes to regain the richest prize in the sport - a prize he never truly lost - by taking on the very man he defeated to win the belt in the first place: The Thrillionaire!
Matsumoto made his way to the ring in traditional sumo gear while the Thrillionaire wore his familiar orange tights and Kangol hat. The two men could not have had more different styles and they lit up the ring, each other and the crowd like the fucking 4th of goddamn July.
Briefly.
Dr. Matsumoto was clearly on a mission and he defeated the Thrillionaire in under four minutes to become the World's Heavyweight Champion for a second time! He did so by utilizing his signature submission move, the deadly Kajamajateho - a move that is banned in seven countries!
3pts for victory, 1 point for winning a rematch and a 1 point title bonus add up to ...
5pts = Dr. Matsumoto
*** The Thrillionaire was then carried out of the arena on a stretcher while Mick "Truck" Drivor and his motley crew of henchmen and thugs cavorted about the ring in a merry fashion as if to say "Come and get us, come and get us, come and get us... assholes."
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got just one week to go before the Wheezleton Memoriale and it's anybody's game. Make your challenges and make them count! ***
30.4.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * APRIL 30, 2012 * RESULTS *
The second cycle of the 2012 season begins today. Today begins the road to the Wheezleton Memoriale, so it's only fitting that the show should involve some of the biggest names of fantasy wrestling's rich history. Case in point: 4-time World's Heavyweight Champion The Scissorwolf was seen backstage chatting up The Phantom Dandy.
As the winner of the previous Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix, Scissorwolf is recognized as the last man to hold the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Heavyweight Championship of the World. Today, he passed the Hungarian Championship belt to The Phantom Dandy, this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner. In the world of professional fantasy wrestling, there is no price that can be put on such an honor. But today, The Phantom Dandy seeks to increase his cache' just a little bit more by challenging The Thrillionaire, currently the World's Heavyweight Champion. Honoring the wishes of Opulence Unlimited International, the match will be a "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match", with the loser being forced to don the Assman's mesh tights for the duration of the month - a most humiliating fate.
But enough with the talk! Let's get to the action!
1) Our opening bout pitted Danny Divine (OUI) against JC Superstar (Millioniare) in a steel cage! Never let it be said that FUCR doesn't start things off with a bang! The action was tight and the moves were right, and it was a battle most brutal. In the end...
It was a sloppy mistake and a fast rollup that led to victory for the Superstar.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 5:22
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) and Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) did battle in a submission-only match... but Huang was nowhere to be found! FUCR officials searched high and low for him backstage, but he was unreachable, even by cell phone. Finally, the timekeeper could wait no more and started the match.
The sheer power of Von Zeus seemed as though it would overpower the Stallion, but it was not the case. The Duke fought back until it seemed he could fight no more. No quarter was asked and none was given as these two future legends put it all on the line in a battle of wills. Finally, after 45 minutes of battle with no winner determined, the match was declared a draw and each man was granted 2 points.
2pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
2pts = Maximus Von Zeus
*** Just then, CPS showed up! State officials entered the ring with briefcases full of contracts and legal documents and Tommy Huang in tow! They stated that according to federal and state law, "the Child Predator" Tommy Huang would be forced to abscond from the world of fantasy wrestling! What flies in Singapore doesn't fly in the United States - as such, Huang must give his contracts to a parent or legal guardian. Despite his strict adherence to protocol and insistence on showing no emotion, Tommy Huang seemed near tears at the prospect... until he announced his legal guardian, who would be assuming control of his affairs in the realms of fantasy wrestling.
Entering the ring wearing a plaid jacket and a shit-eating grin, it was none other than Professor Infierno! And hanging on his arm like a cheap piece of jewelry one might buy at Claire's in the local mall after getting their ears pierced was... Jenny Glorpp?!? But how could this be? Wrestling fans were dumbfounded, remembering that when Infierno was last seen, he had been unmasked as Jenny Glorpp!
The truth was revealed when Jenny took the microphone and told the crowd that the woman who was unmasked as Professor Infierno was actually her cousin, PENNY Glorpp, who had kidnapped Jenny and Professor Infierno and held them captive. The two wasted no time attempting to clear their names and tarnished reputations and instead sought to bring Penny to justice (she had fled to San Salvador). Now, with Penny locked up in a Guatemalan jail, the good professor has returned to guide the life of young Tommy Huang and take control of his financial assets, including his stable of wrestlers. ***
3) Appropriately enough, the next match pitted Tokyo Torres (Professor Infierno) against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) ... the former Marine Corps drill sergeant was no match for the quickness of Torres (or the sack of doorknobs Infierno struck him with when the referee wasn't looking) and he lost the match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 4:28
4) Without their manager, the Brown Hornet, to guide them, Lassiter Arcade and Dr. Matsumoto have been engaging in a series of poor career choices. Tonight, they accepted a handicap match against three returning superstars: The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right and Danger Daigoro - collectively known as The Deadly Friends!
The match ended in a DQ for Matsumoto and Arcade when a brawl erupted. No points were awarded and the crowd cheered their old favorites, remembering their glory days in the sport and hoping they'll return for more than just one night. And who knows? Maybe someday they will.
5) Finally, the main event. The 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy, squares off against the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire in a Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match for the gold! It was a seesaw affair with both men giving it their all for the richest prize in the sport. But in the end...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 6:00 exactly!
*** Now is the time to get your challenges in for next week's show! ***
As the winner of the previous Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix, Scissorwolf is recognized as the last man to hold the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Heavyweight Championship of the World. Today, he passed the Hungarian Championship belt to The Phantom Dandy, this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner. In the world of professional fantasy wrestling, there is no price that can be put on such an honor. But today, The Phantom Dandy seeks to increase his cache' just a little bit more by challenging The Thrillionaire, currently the World's Heavyweight Champion. Honoring the wishes of Opulence Unlimited International, the match will be a "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match", with the loser being forced to don the Assman's mesh tights for the duration of the month - a most humiliating fate.
But enough with the talk! Let's get to the action!
1) Our opening bout pitted Danny Divine (OUI) against JC Superstar (Millioniare) in a steel cage! Never let it be said that FUCR doesn't start things off with a bang! The action was tight and the moves were right, and it was a battle most brutal. In the end...
It was a sloppy mistake and a fast rollup that led to victory for the Superstar.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 5:22
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) and Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) did battle in a submission-only match... but Huang was nowhere to be found! FUCR officials searched high and low for him backstage, but he was unreachable, even by cell phone. Finally, the timekeeper could wait no more and started the match.
The sheer power of Von Zeus seemed as though it would overpower the Stallion, but it was not the case. The Duke fought back until it seemed he could fight no more. No quarter was asked and none was given as these two future legends put it all on the line in a battle of wills. Finally, after 45 minutes of battle with no winner determined, the match was declared a draw and each man was granted 2 points.
2pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
2pts = Maximus Von Zeus
*** Just then, CPS showed up! State officials entered the ring with briefcases full of contracts and legal documents and Tommy Huang in tow! They stated that according to federal and state law, "the Child Predator" Tommy Huang would be forced to abscond from the world of fantasy wrestling! What flies in Singapore doesn't fly in the United States - as such, Huang must give his contracts to a parent or legal guardian. Despite his strict adherence to protocol and insistence on showing no emotion, Tommy Huang seemed near tears at the prospect... until he announced his legal guardian, who would be assuming control of his affairs in the realms of fantasy wrestling.
Entering the ring wearing a plaid jacket and a shit-eating grin, it was none other than Professor Infierno! And hanging on his arm like a cheap piece of jewelry one might buy at Claire's in the local mall after getting their ears pierced was... Jenny Glorpp?!? But how could this be? Wrestling fans were dumbfounded, remembering that when Infierno was last seen, he had been unmasked as Jenny Glorpp!
The truth was revealed when Jenny took the microphone and told the crowd that the woman who was unmasked as Professor Infierno was actually her cousin, PENNY Glorpp, who had kidnapped Jenny and Professor Infierno and held them captive. The two wasted no time attempting to clear their names and tarnished reputations and instead sought to bring Penny to justice (she had fled to San Salvador). Now, with Penny locked up in a Guatemalan jail, the good professor has returned to guide the life of young Tommy Huang and take control of his financial assets, including his stable of wrestlers. ***
3) Appropriately enough, the next match pitted Tokyo Torres (Professor Infierno) against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) ... the former Marine Corps drill sergeant was no match for the quickness of Torres (or the sack of doorknobs Infierno struck him with when the referee wasn't looking) and he lost the match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 4:28
4) Without their manager, the Brown Hornet, to guide them, Lassiter Arcade and Dr. Matsumoto have been engaging in a series of poor career choices. Tonight, they accepted a handicap match against three returning superstars: The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right and Danger Daigoro - collectively known as The Deadly Friends!
The match ended in a DQ for Matsumoto and Arcade when a brawl erupted. No points were awarded and the crowd cheered their old favorites, remembering their glory days in the sport and hoping they'll return for more than just one night. And who knows? Maybe someday they will.
5) Finally, the main event. The 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy, squares off against the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire in a Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match for the gold! It was a seesaw affair with both men giving it their all for the richest prize in the sport. But in the end...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 6:00 exactly!
*** Now is the time to get your challenges in for next week's show! ***
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