After much delay, our flagship event is finally here! It's been a long and tumultuous season wrought with controversy, chaos and tragedy. But now, the pot at the end of the rainbow has arrived. Before we begin, let's take a look at the point standings and review the matches.
Lobo Uno, managed by Mick "Truck" Drivor, will be accepting the challenge of two time former World's Champion The Thrillionaire, managed by the self-proclaimed "most fucked man in wrestling", The Millionaire. With 48 and 46 points respectively, this 10-point match could set either man over the edge and crown a Manager of the Year.
Our other big match is a champion vs. champion encounter pitting three-time World's Heavyweight Champion "Kingbee" Willy Malone (managed by Poppin' Corn) against former World's Champion and two-time Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Chadillac (managed by Simon Pimpleton).
The match is worth only 3 points, which are enough to cement Poppin' Corn as Manager of the Year, but what's really on the line here is the pride of two legendary wrestling promotions.
It was 2007 when Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton broke away from the VGWA to establish his own title - the World's Championship. And in time, that belt gained prominence over the Hungarian Title; even after FUCR was folded back into the VGWA. Over the following five years, it has been a battle for dominance between these two promotions. And it hasn't been without incident...
Who can forget when VGWA stars such as Monte Altazzar, Pappy, Jon Derby, Manimal, Bronson Thunderhammer, Scissorwolf and others defected to join the ranks of the Nintendo Wrestling Association (and later FUCR)? And who can forget when 50-time Hungarian Champion "Polish Prince" Chad Derdowski nearly bankrupted the NWA when he and Pappy were caught supplying the underage Jenny Glorpp with alcohol?
And who can forget when legendary VGWA performer Blackjack Billy "the Kingpin" LaLonde started his own rival promotion and was briefly awarded control of the World's Championship by the VGWA Board of Directors? What about Monte Altazzar's mysterious death? A death which has yet to be solved?
And now, the second generation of stars takes the stage as men like The Thrillionaire, the Chadillac and "Kingbee" Willy Malone ascend to the heavens of professional fantasy wrestling...
Also on the card tonight, Dr. Sydney M. Basil reveals the TRUTH about Simon Pimpleton's parentage!
1) The first half of our double main event was nearly 12 minutes of non-stop action and pain. Both men knew they were fighting to secure the top spot for their managers and both men knew that they wanted to make the other suffer as much as possible. But in the end, only one man could walk away with the prize and that man was the lone wolf who walks alone and stalks the night as a one-man wolfpack, but not a lame one-man wolfpack like those shitty Hangover sequels - a fucking REAL fucking one-man wolfpack, and that man is LOBO UNO.
10 points = Lobo Uno via pinfall@ 6:35.
Before the 2nd half of the double main event on our two match card could take place, the VGWA Board of Directors took to the ring. They said that the Wrestler of the Year award had already been determined, despite the season not quite being over! This year was a special year, they said and as such, unfurled a rather expensive and fancy looking piece of parchment. The ring bell, it chimed until it rang 29 times for each man who died this season and then some.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wrestlers of the Year for the 2013 season are:
Tiger Nightmare
Cobra Jaguar
Battle Cat
Persuader
Franklin Lloyd Right, the Architect of Pain
Hannibal Murdoch
Orville Knorville
Chico Malaise'
Dr. Matsumoto
Diesel Injun
Michael Three Cheeses
Manitou McIntosh
And now, lets quit all our cryin' and bellyachin' and get to the main event!
2) The match was 2-out-of-3 falls. The participants involved were the alleged illegitimate love child of "Kingpin" Billy LaLonde and Queen Bee, "Kingbee" Willy Malone and his arch rival, the protégé of the most decorated Hungarian Champion ever, The Chadillac. Both the World's Heavyweight Championship and the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Championship of the World, with a lineage dating back to last century, were on the line, though technically, this was not a title unification match as both belts will be defended under separate contracts.
The first fall went to "Kingbee" at 5:28 when The Chadillac tapped out to his Human Torture Rack. The second fall also went to Malone at 7:45 ... same hold. Same results.
3 points and the Hungarian Championship were awarded to Kingbee's manager, Poppin' Corn, bringing his total up to 58 points!
"Kingbee" Willy Malone celebrated in the ring, embracing Chadillac and referring to himself as the Undisputed World's Heavyweight Hungarian Commonwealth People's Heavyweight Champion of the World... a shower of black and yellow confetti littered the ring and the arena.
And then Lobo Uno's music hit.
Accompanied by Mick "Truck" Drivor, who promptly stated that with 58 points of his own, he was tied with Poppin' Corn as the Manager of the Year, the one-man stalking nightmare of wolfocity spit upon "Kingbee" and called his dual championship worthless.
And then Dr. Sydney M. Basil hit the ring.
Holding a manila envelope, Basil stated that any and all disputes over awards would simply have to wait... because he had the results from Simon Pimpleton's paternity test in his hand. Basil was joined by Pimpleton and his mother, Cheryl Halstedder. Fans noted that Pimpleton looked older somehow and it was confirmed by both his mother and his doctor that yes, Simon Pimpleton does in fact suffer from Soap Opera Children's Disorder, commonly known as SOCP, a disease which causes a child to age to their teen years rapidly after spending a brief period of time away at summer camp or on a vacation.
Choosing not to waste any more time, Dr. Basil produced the results of the paternity test and it was revealed that Simon Pimpleton's TRUE father was...
...
...
CHARLES "STINKYTEATS" WHEEZLETON
And the crowd. Went. Nuts.
Pimpleton grabbed the microphone. He spit in Malone's face and called him a paper champ. The Chadillac attacked Malone from behind and Lobo Uno put Poppin' Corn in a full nelson. Simon Pimpleton... or should we say SIMON WHEEZLETON declared himself the King of FUCR and now that he was heir to the proverbial throne of professional fantasy wrestling, he chose to become the tiebreaker... the Manager of the Year Award goes to Mick "Truck" Drivor, who wins by decision!!!
The crowd littered the ring with trash as the heels savagely beat both the Champ and his manager, leaving a pile of broken bodies in the ring. Jenny Glorpp joined Simon Wheezleton in the ring and the two began passionately kissing! Simon put his hand up her shirt and brazenly felt her up on live television while Jenny stroked the growing bulge in his pants! It was disgusting! Finally, the show went off the air with Wheezleton, Drivor, Lobo Uno, Chadillac and Jenny Glorpp celebrating while Willy Malone and Poppin Corn were carted out of the arena - championships intact, but pride and bodies badly hurt.
And that's the season, folks! Who says 2013 is bad luck?
Showing posts with label slamarama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slamarama. Show all posts
24.6.12
* SLAMARAMA * June 25, 2012 * RESULTS *
Five years ago today, Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton saw his dream made real. With the crowning of Monte Altazzar as the first ever Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion, the dream of breaking down barriers and uniting the various worlds of friends and fantasy wrestling became a truth too powerful to be denied. And today, we congregate to witness and pay homage to the celebration of life, liberty and the pursuit of awesomeness that is Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
Welcome to SLAMARAMA 2012.
We'll be doing things a little differently this year. With the point totals so close, we're going to update you between every match, to let you know exactly where each manager stands at that exact moment. Hopefully this will increase the dramatic tension and make for a better overall experience. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will poop themselves.
Unfortunately (or quite fortunately, depending on who you are), we have an admission to make. A very grievous error has occured on the part of the FUCR Board of Dirctors, one that we luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you are) caught just before we posted these results. If you're usually someone who skims these results, you might just want to start taking your time to read them right now.
Whilst tallying up the point totals to determine Manager of the Year, Wrestler of the Year and all of the runners up, we came to a startling realization: the FUCR Board of Pointkeepers failed to note Pierre St. Cloud's earnings in the Wheezleton Memoriale on the Rasslin Bidness (managers, stables and points) page. The positive side of this error is that it has made for a very exciting season, with the illusion of a much closer race toward the finish line. The negative side, other than the egg on our faces, is the fact that OUI was denied NINE points. But the error, having been discovered, will now be rectified as we enter the final event of the season.
We apologize for any confusion and furor that may be ignited due to this error. We now give you the point totals as they stand now, wish you all the best of luck and kick off SLAMARAMA!
Opulence Unlimited International leads with 62 points
The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno are tied with 55 points each.
Cesar Romero holds steady in 3rd place with 52 points.
Mick "Truck" Drivor, with 41, stands little chance of winning - but you'd never know that by the way his stable fights tooth and nail!
Now let's get to the scrappin'...
1) Our opening match featured two unlikely team ups: Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) and The Negotiator (Drivor) taking on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - the match was a brilliant opener and incited the crowd to a near riot. You can watch most of it right here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
2) The next match featured Danny Divine (OUI) in action against a man not heard of in fantasy wrestling for some time. A name whispered in secret places where ghouls and goblins frequent. A shadowy figure whose tentacles reach across your soul like nails on an existential chalkboard. A man whose presence is so powerful, it actually shorted out our cameras. As a result, we can't show you the match, but can only present this entrance video, taped at Starrcade a few years ago...
Needless to say, the crowd went wild as GOLAR decimated Danny Divine in record time.
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
3) The cameras still hadn't been fixed when the 4-Way Elimination Match began. The Phantom Dandy, Duke Alexander Stallion, Lassiter Arcade and Maximus Von Zeus went at it like dogs in heat. Except that they were wrestling instead of having sex, and no one's penis got stuck in someone's vagina, necessitating FUCR officials to throw a bucket of water on them to get them apart. Anyway, here's the order of elimination:
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Duke Alexander Stallion @ 6:32 - 1pt
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Maximus Von Zeus @ 8:06 - 1pt
* Phantom Dandy knocked Arcade out @ 10:08 - 4pts
WINNER: Phantom Dandy!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 46
4) The next match featured two former World's Heavyweight Champions and longtime rivals, The Thrillionaire and Dr. Matsumoto, in a TLC match with $25,000 in a briefcase suspended above the ring! The last time these two met, it went over 15 minutes and Matsumoto barely scraped by with a victory. This time, the outcome was decided in less than 5 minutes, prompting many a fan to chant "bullshit!" Nevertheless, we managed to get our cameras operational again and captured the final moments for you here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 55
Millionaire = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 49
5) It only made sense that when Profesor Infierno and The Millionaire once again met in the ring, it would be a battle of magic between Warlock Star and Doctor Spectacular. After all, hadn't these men given us so much magic all season? FUCR officials decided earlier in the day that the contest would be a 2-out-of-3-falls match and it was a fucking barnburner!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 58
Romero = 55
Millionaire = 55
Drivor = 49
6) And there you have it. The season has been decided... or has it?
In light of the fact that OUI has been absent from the message boards for the better part of the past month, we are adding a caveat to their victory and title of Managers of the Year: If a OUI does not issue a statement claiming their prize on the message boards by NOON on Monday, June 25, 2012, they will forfeit the award and it will be given to the runner up! Favor has been on OUI's side this season, and their victories at both of our major events - The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale - may not have paid off in World's Title reigns, but they represent two unique prizes that are quite special unto themselves, as OUI's command of the top spot has proven.
But it may all be for naught if Jim and Carol Halstedder can't be bothered to slip out from beneath their satin sheets and claim the prize they so richly deserve. As Dr. Matsumoto's forfeit of the World's Championship earlier this season has proven, the FUCR Board of Directors, in conjunction with the VGWA, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body of fantasy professional wrestling isn't fucking around this season. If you don't show up, you get the boot.
Speaking of the runners up and potential Managers of the Year... If Sgt. Octopus is successful in his title defense, his manager (Cesar Romero) will be tied with Profesor Infierno at 58 points, in which case a sudden death match will determine the winner. But if JC Superstar is successful, it will propel The Millionaire to the top spot with 59 points!
And the World's Heavyeight Championship still hangs in the balance between Sgt. Octopus and his #1
Contender, JC Superstar. It's been a long, hard road for both men, and their final battle must be decided in the deadliest match of alll - A BEYOND THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH!
So how did it go down? It took only 4 minutes and 12 seconds...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66 - Manager of the Year! (provisional)
The Millionaire = 59
Profesor Infierno = 58
Cesar Romero = 55
Mick "Truck" Drivor = 49
And that's the season! Congratulations to the new World's Heavyweight Champion (and with a grand total of 30 points, the Wrestler of the Year) JC Superstar! And Congratulations to Opulence Unlimited International - the Managers of the Year!
And perhaps, congratulations to The Millionaire, the runner up and potential Manager of the Year if OUI does not claim their prize!
Most of all, thank you to everyone who participated this season, and even to those of you who didn't. Without you, FUCR would be nothing more than a man smoking pot, watching his video game play against itself, recording the matches and posting them online. But because of you, it is a shared tradition of friendship, love, hatred, thinly veiled homosexuality, violence and anger. YOU are what makes the magic happen.
See you next season!
Welcome to SLAMARAMA 2012.
We'll be doing things a little differently this year. With the point totals so close, we're going to update you between every match, to let you know exactly where each manager stands at that exact moment. Hopefully this will increase the dramatic tension and make for a better overall experience. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will poop themselves.
Unfortunately (or quite fortunately, depending on who you are), we have an admission to make. A very grievous error has occured on the part of the FUCR Board of Dirctors, one that we luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you are) caught just before we posted these results. If you're usually someone who skims these results, you might just want to start taking your time to read them right now.
Whilst tallying up the point totals to determine Manager of the Year, Wrestler of the Year and all of the runners up, we came to a startling realization: the FUCR Board of Pointkeepers failed to note Pierre St. Cloud's earnings in the Wheezleton Memoriale on the Rasslin Bidness (managers, stables and points) page. The positive side of this error is that it has made for a very exciting season, with the illusion of a much closer race toward the finish line. The negative side, other than the egg on our faces, is the fact that OUI was denied NINE points. But the error, having been discovered, will now be rectified as we enter the final event of the season.
We apologize for any confusion and furor that may be ignited due to this error. We now give you the point totals as they stand now, wish you all the best of luck and kick off SLAMARAMA!
Opulence Unlimited International leads with 62 points
The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno are tied with 55 points each.
Cesar Romero holds steady in 3rd place with 52 points.
Mick "Truck" Drivor, with 41, stands little chance of winning - but you'd never know that by the way his stable fights tooth and nail!
Now let's get to the scrappin'...
1) Our opening match featured two unlikely team ups: Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) and The Negotiator (Drivor) taking on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) - the match was a brilliant opener and incited the crowd to a near riot. You can watch most of it right here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
2) The next match featured Danny Divine (OUI) in action against a man not heard of in fantasy wrestling for some time. A name whispered in secret places where ghouls and goblins frequent. A shadowy figure whose tentacles reach across your soul like nails on an existential chalkboard. A man whose presence is so powerful, it actually shorted out our cameras. As a result, we can't show you the match, but can only present this entrance video, taped at Starrcade a few years ago...
Needless to say, the crowd went wild as GOLAR decimated Danny Divine in record time.
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 62
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 44
3) The cameras still hadn't been fixed when the 4-Way Elimination Match began. The Phantom Dandy, Duke Alexander Stallion, Lassiter Arcade and Maximus Von Zeus went at it like dogs in heat. Except that they were wrestling instead of having sex, and no one's penis got stuck in someone's vagina, necessitating FUCR officials to throw a bucket of water on them to get them apart. Anyway, here's the order of elimination:
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Duke Alexander Stallion @ 6:32 - 1pt
* Lassiter Arcade pinned Maximus Von Zeus @ 8:06 - 1pt
* Phantom Dandy knocked Arcade out @ 10:08 - 4pts
WINNER: Phantom Dandy!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Millionaire = 55
Infierno = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 46
4) The next match featured two former World's Heavyweight Champions and longtime rivals, The Thrillionaire and Dr. Matsumoto, in a TLC match with $25,000 in a briefcase suspended above the ring! The last time these two met, it went over 15 minutes and Matsumoto barely scraped by with a victory. This time, the outcome was decided in less than 5 minutes, prompting many a fan to chant "bullshit!" Nevertheless, we managed to get our cameras operational again and captured the final moments for you here...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 55
Millionaire = 55
Romero = 55
Drivor = 49
5) It only made sense that when Profesor Infierno and The Millionaire once again met in the ring, it would be a battle of magic between Warlock Star and Doctor Spectacular. After all, hadn't these men given us so much magic all season? FUCR officials decided earlier in the day that the contest would be a 2-out-of-3-falls match and it was a fucking barnburner!
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66
Infierno = 58
Romero = 55
Millionaire = 55
Drivor = 49
6) And there you have it. The season has been decided... or has it?
In light of the fact that OUI has been absent from the message boards for the better part of the past month, we are adding a caveat to their victory and title of Managers of the Year: If a OUI does not issue a statement claiming their prize on the message boards by NOON on Monday, June 25, 2012, they will forfeit the award and it will be given to the runner up! Favor has been on OUI's side this season, and their victories at both of our major events - The Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale - may not have paid off in World's Title reigns, but they represent two unique prizes that are quite special unto themselves, as OUI's command of the top spot has proven.
But it may all be for naught if Jim and Carol Halstedder can't be bothered to slip out from beneath their satin sheets and claim the prize they so richly deserve. As Dr. Matsumoto's forfeit of the World's Championship earlier this season has proven, the FUCR Board of Directors, in conjunction with the VGWA, the oldest and largest governing and sanctioning body of fantasy professional wrestling isn't fucking around this season. If you don't show up, you get the boot.
Speaking of the runners up and potential Managers of the Year... If Sgt. Octopus is successful in his title defense, his manager (Cesar Romero) will be tied with Profesor Infierno at 58 points, in which case a sudden death match will determine the winner. But if JC Superstar is successful, it will propel The Millionaire to the top spot with 59 points!
And the World's Heavyeight Championship still hangs in the balance between Sgt. Octopus and his #1
Contender, JC Superstar. It's been a long, hard road for both men, and their final battle must be decided in the deadliest match of alll - A BEYOND THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH!
So how did it go down? It took only 4 minutes and 12 seconds...
POINT TOTALS
OUI = 66 - Manager of the Year! (provisional)
The Millionaire = 59
Profesor Infierno = 58
Cesar Romero = 55
Mick "Truck" Drivor = 49
And that's the season! Congratulations to the new World's Heavyweight Champion (and with a grand total of 30 points, the Wrestler of the Year) JC Superstar! And Congratulations to Opulence Unlimited International - the Managers of the Year!
And perhaps, congratulations to The Millionaire, the runner up and potential Manager of the Year if OUI does not claim their prize!
Most of all, thank you to everyone who participated this season, and even to those of you who didn't. Without you, FUCR would be nothing more than a man smoking pot, watching his video game play against itself, recording the matches and posting them online. But because of you, it is a shared tradition of friendship, love, hatred, thinly veiled homosexuality, violence and anger. YOU are what makes the magic happen.
See you next season!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)