For 3 long months now, we've been traveling on that long and lonesome trail they call Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin and today, we reach the final way station before plunging into the dark chasm of chaos known as SLAMARAMA ... and the off season, when battered bodies are healed, bones are mended and brains are hard at work, honing the mental brushes that together paint the grand vista of FUCR on the canvas of our souls.
Its been one of the closest seasons in history, with The Millionaire, Cesar Romero and mid-season replacement manager Profesor Infierno going head to head in the ring and neck and neck in the points. All three managers have crafted newcomers into ring generals almost overnight. Opulence Unlimited International have, having won both the Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix and the Wheezleton Memoriale this season, have managed to become the dark horse candidates. And despite entering the season at a definite disadvantage, former fantasy wrestling superstar Mick "Truck" Drivor has pulled a managerial rabbit out of a hat with some solid victories that nearly put him in contention for Manager of the Year.
But that title will be awarded next week, not tonight.
1) The show opened with a definite crowd pleaser from Tokyo Torres (Infierno) and Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) - everyone was on their feet during this free-for-fiew quality match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @8:52
2) Next was Dr. Matsumoto and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) teaming with the unlikiest of allies, The Thrillionaire (Millionaire) in a 3-on-1 handicap match against this season's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix Champion,The Phantom Dandy.
The Dandy has been through a lot this season. When cashing in his victory, the only stipulation he requested was that the match be fought under "Mr. Ass Pants and Music" rules. And when The Thrillionaire defeated him, The Dandy proudly wore those assless shorts and that mesh t-shirt for the middle portion of the season. Today, he valiantly accepted the challenge put upon him.
Matsumoto and The Thrillionaire are no strangers to each other, having traded the World's Heavyweight Championship and marking themselves as future legends earlier this season. They seemed to attack each other almost as much as they did their opponent.
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
3pts = The Thrillionaire
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto
3) When Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) outlasted 9 other men to take home the Wheezleton Memoriale this season, he never expected that he'd never get to cash in his guaranteed shot at the World's Championship... but then, he never counted on the cunning tactics employed by Cesar Romero and his golden ticket, Sgt. Octopus. The former Marine Corps drill sergeant defeated St. Cloud, claiming the title shot as his victory - and utilizing it later that night, after then-champion Dr. Matsumoto narrowly defeated former champion The Thrillionaire in a grueling 15-minute ladder match.
Sgt. Octopus won the title that night, but Cheryl Halstedder had won the heart of Cesar Romero. His advances were scorned and the two engaged in shaving combat. Last week, Romero, wishing to settle the score once and for all, offered any member of OUI a shot at the World's Championship. A shady doctor was involved, allowances were made, exposed and later retracted... and at the end of the day, the mystery would never be solved because OUI failed to show up at the arena for two weeks in a row!
As a result, the match was made a non-title TLC match, the result of which you can plainly see in the clip below.
3pts = Pierre St. Cloud @6:44 - Sgt. Octopus retains the title
4) In the main event, JC Superstar (Millionaire) and Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) did battle for the second time. Their last meeting saw Superstar go home in defeat and tonight there is only one way to win: when your opponent cannot answer the 10-count.
It was an amazing battle pitting two second-generation gods against each other in the ultimate arena of unarmed combat, the squared circle of the wrestling ring. Unfortunately, the electricity put forth by these two men was such that our cameras were rendered inoperable and we only captured the final seconds of this epic. But in this match, as in all the others, the final seconds are really all that count.
And today those final seconds count for even more, as these two men battle for a spot in the main event of SLAMARAMA, where they will challenge for the World's Heavyweight Championship, the ultimate goal of any professional wrestler. Both men have been at the top of their game all season and both have earned the right to challenge for the greatest title on the greatest stage of them all. But only one can make it...
3pts = JC Superstar via KO @5:40 after dominating the majority of the match.
* And with that, our main event is set at this year's SLAMARAMA. It will be the reigning Undisputed World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus defending against the man who has garnered the most points during the regular season and, JC Superstar.
* The Millionaire and Profesor Infierno enter the event tied with 55 points each.
* Cesar Romero is in the #2 position with 52 points
* OUI has a respectable 50 points
* Mick "Truck" Drivor trails with 41
* Here's how the Free-For-View is going to work: EVERYONE WRESTLES. There are no injuries that cannot be worked through in order to take part in the biggest event of the year. Everything is on the line and everyone must compete.
* We have but two demands:
1) There must be at least one tag match on the card. We don't care if it's contested under Texas Tornado rules or what the stipulation is... hell, we don't even care if it's a 3-on-3 Elimination Match. But someone has got to give us a goddamn tag match and it must feature wrestlers from four different stables!
We're looking for volunteers but if nobody offers, we'll just book it ourselves. But as an incentive: if you offer one of your wrestlers for this match, it will not count as your challenge for Slamarama!
2) There must be a Four-Way Elimination Match, also featuring wrestlers from four different stables. One point will be doled out per pinfall your man scores and 3 points will be given to the winner. Inserting your wrestler into this match does not count as a challenge.
* Outside of that... it's your game. 2-out-of-3-falls? Inferno match? Last Man Standing? Hardcore? Falls Count Anywhere? Ladder Match? Hair vs. Hair? Mask vs. Hair? The stipulations are yours to decide.
* Standard points apply (other than that 4-Way we just mentioned)
Showing posts with label Monday Morning Mayhem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Monday Morning Mayhem. Show all posts
10.6.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * JUNE 11, 2012 * RESULTS! *
Welcome to another installment of MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM, brought to you by the fine folks at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin.
We don't know if you've been paying attention to the message boards, but it's been a whirlwind of a week! Several fans raised their voices, demanding a World Championship title defense from the champion, Sgt. Octopus. The Millionaire himself chimed in, demanding a match that made literally NO sense. Unfortunately, having a lot of money means having a pretty sweet legal team, and our representatives have spent the past 24 hours battling it out in an attempt to reconfigure the contracts.
We came up with a doozy that will hopefully satisfy all parties... tonight, the World's Heavyweight Championship will be on the line in the main event! Sgt. Octopus teams with Tokyo Torres against The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade - if any man can pin Sgt. Octopus, they will walk out with the title. (a gentleman's agreement between Cesar Romero and Profesor Infierno guaranteed that if Tokyo Torres scored a pinfall, he would receive a title shot)
As a result of these legal shenanigans we don't have a lot of time for a lengthy write up; instead, we invite you to just watch the action unfold as it did before our eyes.
1) Dr. Matsumoto (Mick "Truck" Drivor) & JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) & Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno)
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @10:09
2) OUI disappeared this week and didn't take part in any challenges or trash talking. As a result, they found their men Danny Divine & the Phantom Dandy up against two unsigned grapplers, Harlan Murphy and Chesterfield Suppleknuckle.
Winners: Suppleknuckle & Murphy via submission @9:59
3) The main event of the morning was the aforementioned match pitting World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and his teammate Tokyo Torres (Infierno) against the Thrillionaire (Welz) and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) ...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @12:44
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
Congratulations to the winning team - unfortunately, The Thrillionaire was so caught up in the excitement, he pinned the wrong man! As a result, the title does not change hands. After the match, as the winners exited the ringside area, two fans who had bought ringside seats splashed their jumbo sized beverages on The Thrillionaire - it was Kurt Neubuling and B.T. Oswald! They offered a string of obscenities to the would-be-champ.
Then, who should appear but Cheryl Halstedder and the OUI stable! Her team attacked the World's Champion and administered a beatdown... the reason? REVENGE! You see, after Sgt. Octopus' victory over Pierre St. Cloud, Cesar Romero was granted one night with Cheryl. She awoke the next day, hungover and noticably missing her most prized possession. That's right - - Romero & Co. had shaved the glorious 1970s-ish pubic thatch for which Cheryl had become famous! As a result, she was humiliated and refused to show her face (or any other part of her) in public. But today, revenge was hers! Bloody revenge in the form of an asswhupping! What will Mr. Romero say about that?
The points are pretty goddamn close and next week is the final show before SLAMARAMA! Who will be the highest scoring wrestler? Who will secure the opportunity to main event the biggest show of the season? Managers, check your scores and make your challenges...
We don't know if you've been paying attention to the message boards, but it's been a whirlwind of a week! Several fans raised their voices, demanding a World Championship title defense from the champion, Sgt. Octopus. The Millionaire himself chimed in, demanding a match that made literally NO sense. Unfortunately, having a lot of money means having a pretty sweet legal team, and our representatives have spent the past 24 hours battling it out in an attempt to reconfigure the contracts.
We came up with a doozy that will hopefully satisfy all parties... tonight, the World's Heavyweight Championship will be on the line in the main event! Sgt. Octopus teams with Tokyo Torres against The Thrillionaire and Lassiter Arcade - if any man can pin Sgt. Octopus, they will walk out with the title. (a gentleman's agreement between Cesar Romero and Profesor Infierno guaranteed that if Tokyo Torres scored a pinfall, he would receive a title shot)
As a result of these legal shenanigans we don't have a lot of time for a lengthy write up; instead, we invite you to just watch the action unfold as it did before our eyes.
1) Dr. Matsumoto (Mick "Truck" Drivor) & JC Superstar (Welz) vs. Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) & Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno)
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @10:09
2) OUI disappeared this week and didn't take part in any challenges or trash talking. As a result, they found their men Danny Divine & the Phantom Dandy up against two unsigned grapplers, Harlan Murphy and Chesterfield Suppleknuckle.
Winners: Suppleknuckle & Murphy via submission @9:59
3) The main event of the morning was the aforementioned match pitting World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and his teammate Tokyo Torres (Infierno) against the Thrillionaire (Welz) and Lassiter Arcade (Drivor) ...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @12:44
3pts = Lassiter Arcade
Congratulations to the winning team - unfortunately, The Thrillionaire was so caught up in the excitement, he pinned the wrong man! As a result, the title does not change hands. After the match, as the winners exited the ringside area, two fans who had bought ringside seats splashed their jumbo sized beverages on The Thrillionaire - it was Kurt Neubuling and B.T. Oswald! They offered a string of obscenities to the would-be-champ.
Then, who should appear but Cheryl Halstedder and the OUI stable! Her team attacked the World's Champion and administered a beatdown... the reason? REVENGE! You see, after Sgt. Octopus' victory over Pierre St. Cloud, Cesar Romero was granted one night with Cheryl. She awoke the next day, hungover and noticably missing her most prized possession. That's right - - Romero & Co. had shaved the glorious 1970s-ish pubic thatch for which Cheryl had become famous! As a result, she was humiliated and refused to show her face (or any other part of her) in public. But today, revenge was hers! Bloody revenge in the form of an asswhupping! What will Mr. Romero say about that?
The points are pretty goddamn close and next week is the final show before SLAMARAMA! Who will be the highest scoring wrestler? Who will secure the opportunity to main event the biggest show of the season? Managers, check your scores and make your challenges...
3.6.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * 6/04/12 * RESULTS *
Welcome back, fantasy professional rasslin' fans! Tonight's show may be hazardous to your health, so if you've got a heart condition, we advise you to just stop reading now. Ask someone healthier to read it for you and have them relate it to you in small doses so it's easier to digest.
Those of you who are feeling up to snuff, we hope you enjoy having a fucking hard-on for the next 15 minutes or however long it takes you to read this because this shit is so goddamn awesome, it will... well, it'll make your penis hard. And if you lack a penis, YOU WILL GROW ONE.
1) J.C. Superstar (Welz) has been one of the more dominant stars of the season but the past few weeks have been nothing but a series of setbacks for this promising superstar and perennial contender. Hoping to nip that losing streak in the bud, he challenged this year's Wheezleton Memoriale winner, Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) to a match.
Once again, before the mach began, a crowd of protesters surrounded the ring. Bearing signs and placards which proclaimed them to be among the 99%, they protested "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and his corporate greed. Peaceful though they were, the crowd was painted as thugs and rapists by the likes of Fox News, who make a point to cover FUCR events, and Frank Miller who... Jesus, what the fuck happened to Frank Miller?
It was a hard fought battle that saw the brutality spill outside the ring and into the crowd. Both men were nearly counted out, but the Stepson of a Carpenter was just too much for the Funky Frenchman to handle and J.C. won the match.
3pts = J.C. Superstar via pinfall @6:17
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) and Dr. Spectacular (Profesor Infierno) fought one of the most fast-paced, action packed battles we've seen all season. These two men are constantly overlooked in the World Title race, but consistently prove themselves to be worthy of future consideration. And Wolfsbane won.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @5:04
3) Tokyo Torres (Infierno) returned to action tonight, as did the Phantom Dandy (OUI) - no longer bound to the stipulation of the "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match" he lost to the Thrillionaire last month. Both men will likely be visting a manicurist and a dentist after this match, as they fought tooth and nail.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @4:59
4) Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) has proven himself to be an astonishingly adept technical wrestler on several occasions. The Thrillionaire (Welz) has begun the long, hard climb back to the top of the ladder after losing the World's Heavyweight Championship to Dr. Matsumoto. Both men had something to prove and they proved it by putting on one of the best goddamn wrestling matches we've ever had the pleasure of watching. We can only hope for a rematch.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @3:54
5) And now it's time for the main event. The rematch between World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) ... no frills, no gimmicks; just the two best wrestlers in the world today going at it one more time.
The tension was so thick, you could smash it with the rock hard penis you undoubtedly have after reading and viewing the amazing goddamn wrestling card the stars of FUCR have put on for you today. And the action? Just watch for yourselves...
4pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @6:47
**** Next week, we're hoping to do something a little differently. As the season nears its end and the Slide to Slamarama continues, we'd like to see some tag team action! So every match (or as many as possible) next week will be of the tag team variety!
Now, we don't know how or if this will work, but here's what we'd like to see:
- You can pick your opponent via challenge
- You can pick your teammate
- But you can not pick both your opponent and your teammate (though you are certainly encouraged to ask someone to team up with you)
- If a tag team is already formed, you may challenge them (and hope you get a good partner)
Make sense? We know it probably won't work out quite as perfect as we imagine it in our heads, but if it doesn't, we'll figure it out.
Now get your challenges in! ****
Those of you who are feeling up to snuff, we hope you enjoy having a fucking hard-on for the next 15 minutes or however long it takes you to read this because this shit is so goddamn awesome, it will... well, it'll make your penis hard. And if you lack a penis, YOU WILL GROW ONE.
1) J.C. Superstar (Welz) has been one of the more dominant stars of the season but the past few weeks have been nothing but a series of setbacks for this promising superstar and perennial contender. Hoping to nip that losing streak in the bud, he challenged this year's Wheezleton Memoriale winner, Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) to a match.
Once again, before the mach began, a crowd of protesters surrounded the ring. Bearing signs and placards which proclaimed them to be among the 99%, they protested "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and his corporate greed. Peaceful though they were, the crowd was painted as thugs and rapists by the likes of Fox News, who make a point to cover FUCR events, and Frank Miller who... Jesus, what the fuck happened to Frank Miller?
It was a hard fought battle that saw the brutality spill outside the ring and into the crowd. Both men were nearly counted out, but the Stepson of a Carpenter was just too much for the Funky Frenchman to handle and J.C. won the match.
3pts = J.C. Superstar via pinfall @6:17
2) Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) and Dr. Spectacular (Profesor Infierno) fought one of the most fast-paced, action packed battles we've seen all season. These two men are constantly overlooked in the World Title race, but consistently prove themselves to be worthy of future consideration. And Wolfsbane won.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @5:04
3) Tokyo Torres (Infierno) returned to action tonight, as did the Phantom Dandy (OUI) - no longer bound to the stipulation of the "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match" he lost to the Thrillionaire last month. Both men will likely be visting a manicurist and a dentist after this match, as they fought tooth and nail.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @4:59
4) Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) has proven himself to be an astonishingly adept technical wrestler on several occasions. The Thrillionaire (Welz) has begun the long, hard climb back to the top of the ladder after losing the World's Heavyweight Championship to Dr. Matsumoto. Both men had something to prove and they proved it by putting on one of the best goddamn wrestling matches we've ever had the pleasure of watching. We can only hope for a rematch.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @3:54
5) And now it's time for the main event. The rematch between World's Heavyweight Champion Sgt. Octopus (Romero) and Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor) ... no frills, no gimmicks; just the two best wrestlers in the world today going at it one more time.
The tension was so thick, you could smash it with the rock hard penis you undoubtedly have after reading and viewing the amazing goddamn wrestling card the stars of FUCR have put on for you today. And the action? Just watch for yourselves...
4pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @6:47
**** Next week, we're hoping to do something a little differently. As the season nears its end and the Slide to Slamarama continues, we'd like to see some tag team action! So every match (or as many as possible) next week will be of the tag team variety!
Now, we don't know how or if this will work, but here's what we'd like to see:
- You can pick your opponent via challenge
- You can pick your teammate
- But you can not pick both your opponent and your teammate (though you are certainly encouraged to ask someone to team up with you)
- If a tag team is already formed, you may challenge them (and hope you get a good partner)
Make sense? We know it probably won't work out quite as perfect as we imagine it in our heads, but if it doesn't, we'll figure it out.
Now get your challenges in! ****
28.5.12
* MEMORIAL DAY MAYHEM * MAY 28, 2012 *
The Slide to Slamarama begins here! This season of FUCR is in its final throes and you're all here to witness the bloodbath, retching and heartache. This week, we've allowed Mickey Rooney to issue special stipulations for each match. Let's see what he's got in store for us, shall we?
1) Due partly to Profesor Infierno's lack of presence on the message boards of late and mostly to the fact that Mickey Rooney is probably racist and definitely due to Rooney's irrational fear of skeletons as well as a lack of competition, Profesor Infierno found two of his charges lacing boots to tangle with a couple of bad dudes from South of the Border.
Maximus Von Zeus & Tokyo Torres took on the Mayan Sensation known as Alpha Vega and his partner from Tocula, Mexico - Lobo Uno. It was a fierce Texas Tornado match, putting all four men in the ring at the same time. It was hotter than a habenero inside the ring and out, as the action spilled all over the area. The match went exactly 6 minutes, when Maximus Von Zeus knocked out Lobo Uno, possibly with a loaded glove.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via KO @6:00
3pts = Tokyo Torres also
2) Our next match was a variation on the "Ultimate X" style match made popular in TNA, only seven times as deadly as anything that pussy league would ever put on air. Four poles measuring 15 feet high were raised at the ringposts and barbed wire was strung between them, creating an X above the ring. The barb wire was electrified, to ensure that scaredey cats, chickens and wimps stayed home. And in the center of the X, at the very crux of the biscuit, was a briefcase.
Inside the briefcase was a bevy of documentation. The contract of one Sgt. Octopus was contined within, as well as the guaranteed title shot earned by Pierre St. Cloud upon winning the Wheezleton Memoriale last week. Today, these two men did battle in one of the most dangerous matches to ever exist, and all because Mickey Rooney is a senile old ass.
As an added bonus, Cesar Romero sweetened the pot with a stipulation of his own. If Sgt. Octopus was able to win the match, maintain his career and earn a shot at the World's Championship, Romero would be granted one evening with Cheryl Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International. What makes that stipulation so patently absurd is the fact that the Halstedders are known swingers and Romero is a flaming homosexual. Or so the Hollywood Press reports...
At any rate, the match continued and nearly cost both men their lives, but at the 7:01 mark, Sgt. Octopus climbed the pole, threw Pierre St. Cloud's body onto the electrified barbed wire and brought the whole damned contraption down in the center of the ring. He briskly ran to the center of the ring, snatched up the briefcase and made his way out of the arena.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus @7:01
3) Danny Divine (OUI) defeated the Negotiator (Mick"Truck"Drivor) in a "finishing maneuver match".
3pts = Dannny Divine via finisher @4:36
4) Our next matchup was a 1st blood match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) ... ne'er have these two men met and mayhap ne'er will they again, so devastating was the destruction they wrote upon the pages of each other's faces and the canvas on which they fought. But the fans, bloodthirsty as they are, will clamor for more! Will they give it to us? We can only hope for a rematch. But today, it was the Duke who took home the victory.
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via 1st Blood @7:02
5) The main event was a rematch for the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently in the capable hands of Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor). His challenger was the man he defeated on two previous occasions to win the title, The Thrillionaire (Welz) - this time, it was a ladder match!
Prior to the sounding of the bell, a group of perhaps 15-20 fans entered the ringside area. Surrounding the ring, they simply sat down, each of them facing "The Millionaire" Matt Welz directly in th eye. "We are the 99%" was the slogan on the signs and placards they carried. Seemingly, the Occupy movement has arrived in FUCR and it has landed directly on the lap of the Millionaire.
The match was see saw for the entirity of its 15 minute duration. At one point, four ladders littered the ring. The Thrillionaire lived up to his name with high flying and death defying antics while Matsumoto pretty much just tried to kick the shit out of him. At the 7 minute mark, fans in the front row swore that they saw The Thrillionaire tap out to Matsumoto's Hajukaraju Death Grip, but only the instant replay knows for sure. What we all know is how it ended, and it ended like this...
5pts (2nd rematch) = Dr. Matsumoto. Victory @15:17
* Just as the show was about to go off the air, who should appear but Cesar Romero, Cheryl Halstedder and Sgt. Octopus!?!?! The former Marine Corps Drill Instructor held aloft the contract he'd won earlier tonight stipulating a guaranteed title shot under whatever circumstances he deemed fit... and he deemed fit to cash in that shot in a No-Holds Barred First Blood Match!
The battle raged and many fans offered weapons to the combatants. When the two men took their fight to an area populated by a group of soldiers on leave from the current fighting in Chinaraqistan, it was all over but the crying. Some say that a soldier slipped Sgt. Octopus a set of brass knucks. Others swore it was a loaded guitar and some say a loaded gun. But when one of the soldiers got ahold of the Championship Belt and placed it in the hands of the former Marine Corps Drill Instructor, the match ended with a crash as the belt was brought down upon Matsumoto's forehead, unleashing a crimson waterfall.
Your winner and NEW World's Heavyweight Champion ... Sgt. Octopus!!!
1pt = Sgt. Octopus
* After the match, during the victory celebration, Cesar Romero brought Cheryl Halstedder in close for a kiss. The two locked lips and as Romero pulled away, he felt a tingling sensation on his upper lip. Raising a hand to his face, he realized that Cheryl had covered her face in Nair and now... it had burned off his famous mustache! His prize posession, the mustache he refused to shave for three seasons on the Batman televsion series in the 1960s, was GONE! With a laugh, Cheryl blew Romero a kiss and skipped down the entrance ramp, into the arms of her lover. Romero was left in the center of the ring, crying as Sgt. Octopus tried to console him *
Get your fucking challenges in for next week!
1) Due partly to Profesor Infierno's lack of presence on the message boards of late and mostly to the fact that Mickey Rooney is probably racist and definitely due to Rooney's irrational fear of skeletons as well as a lack of competition, Profesor Infierno found two of his charges lacing boots to tangle with a couple of bad dudes from South of the Border.
Maximus Von Zeus & Tokyo Torres took on the Mayan Sensation known as Alpha Vega and his partner from Tocula, Mexico - Lobo Uno. It was a fierce Texas Tornado match, putting all four men in the ring at the same time. It was hotter than a habenero inside the ring and out, as the action spilled all over the area. The match went exactly 6 minutes, when Maximus Von Zeus knocked out Lobo Uno, possibly with a loaded glove.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via KO @6:00
3pts = Tokyo Torres also
2) Our next match was a variation on the "Ultimate X" style match made popular in TNA, only seven times as deadly as anything that pussy league would ever put on air. Four poles measuring 15 feet high were raised at the ringposts and barbed wire was strung between them, creating an X above the ring. The barb wire was electrified, to ensure that scaredey cats, chickens and wimps stayed home. And in the center of the X, at the very crux of the biscuit, was a briefcase.
Inside the briefcase was a bevy of documentation. The contract of one Sgt. Octopus was contined within, as well as the guaranteed title shot earned by Pierre St. Cloud upon winning the Wheezleton Memoriale last week. Today, these two men did battle in one of the most dangerous matches to ever exist, and all because Mickey Rooney is a senile old ass.
As an added bonus, Cesar Romero sweetened the pot with a stipulation of his own. If Sgt. Octopus was able to win the match, maintain his career and earn a shot at the World's Championship, Romero would be granted one evening with Cheryl Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International. What makes that stipulation so patently absurd is the fact that the Halstedders are known swingers and Romero is a flaming homosexual. Or so the Hollywood Press reports...
At any rate, the match continued and nearly cost both men their lives, but at the 7:01 mark, Sgt. Octopus climbed the pole, threw Pierre St. Cloud's body onto the electrified barbed wire and brought the whole damned contraption down in the center of the ring. He briskly ran to the center of the ring, snatched up the briefcase and made his way out of the arena.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus @7:01
3) Danny Divine (OUI) defeated the Negotiator (Mick"Truck"Drivor) in a "finishing maneuver match".
3pts = Dannny Divine via finisher @4:36
4) Our next matchup was a 1st blood match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) ... ne'er have these two men met and mayhap ne'er will they again, so devastating was the destruction they wrote upon the pages of each other's faces and the canvas on which they fought. But the fans, bloodthirsty as they are, will clamor for more! Will they give it to us? We can only hope for a rematch. But today, it was the Duke who took home the victory.
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via 1st Blood @7:02
5) The main event was a rematch for the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently in the capable hands of Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor). His challenger was the man he defeated on two previous occasions to win the title, The Thrillionaire (Welz) - this time, it was a ladder match!
Prior to the sounding of the bell, a group of perhaps 15-20 fans entered the ringside area. Surrounding the ring, they simply sat down, each of them facing "The Millionaire" Matt Welz directly in th eye. "We are the 99%" was the slogan on the signs and placards they carried. Seemingly, the Occupy movement has arrived in FUCR and it has landed directly on the lap of the Millionaire.
The match was see saw for the entirity of its 15 minute duration. At one point, four ladders littered the ring. The Thrillionaire lived up to his name with high flying and death defying antics while Matsumoto pretty much just tried to kick the shit out of him. At the 7 minute mark, fans in the front row swore that they saw The Thrillionaire tap out to Matsumoto's Hajukaraju Death Grip, but only the instant replay knows for sure. What we all know is how it ended, and it ended like this...
5pts (2nd rematch) = Dr. Matsumoto. Victory @15:17
* Just as the show was about to go off the air, who should appear but Cesar Romero, Cheryl Halstedder and Sgt. Octopus!?!?! The former Marine Corps Drill Instructor held aloft the contract he'd won earlier tonight stipulating a guaranteed title shot under whatever circumstances he deemed fit... and he deemed fit to cash in that shot in a No-Holds Barred First Blood Match!
The battle raged and many fans offered weapons to the combatants. When the two men took their fight to an area populated by a group of soldiers on leave from the current fighting in Chinaraqistan, it was all over but the crying. Some say that a soldier slipped Sgt. Octopus a set of brass knucks. Others swore it was a loaded guitar and some say a loaded gun. But when one of the soldiers got ahold of the Championship Belt and placed it in the hands of the former Marine Corps Drill Instructor, the match ended with a crash as the belt was brought down upon Matsumoto's forehead, unleashing a crimson waterfall.
Your winner and NEW World's Heavyweight Champion ... Sgt. Octopus!!!
1pt = Sgt. Octopus
* After the match, during the victory celebration, Cesar Romero brought Cheryl Halstedder in close for a kiss. The two locked lips and as Romero pulled away, he felt a tingling sensation on his upper lip. Raising a hand to his face, he realized that Cheryl had covered her face in Nair and now... it had burned off his famous mustache! His prize posession, the mustache he refused to shave for three seasons on the Batman televsion series in the 1960s, was GONE! With a laugh, Cheryl blew Romero a kiss and skipped down the entrance ramp, into the arms of her lover. Romero was left in the center of the ring, crying as Sgt. Octopus tried to console him *
Get your fucking challenges in for next week!
20.5.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * RESULTS * MAY 22, 2012 *
We've got a number of wrestlers in the running and today we determine who will challenge Dr. Matsumoto for the World's Heavyweight Championship tomorrow at the Semi-Annual Wheezleton Memoriale Free-For-View. As the Allman Brothers said, we ain't wastin' time no more - let's get down to the ring!
1) Opening the card was Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) vs. Warlock Star (Millionaire) - the action was so quick, we actually had to watch the replay in slow motion to make any sense of what was happening. After over eight minutes of intensity, the match ended like this...
3pts = Lassiter Arcade via pinfall @ 8:11
2) Next up was Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) taking on Danny Divine (Opulence Unlimited International) in a match which spilled outside the ring on several occasions and both men pushed beyond the limits of ordinary combatants. Not unlike the gladiators of old, these grapplers did battle in a most furious manner. Sgt. Octopus was, as usual, a master of the art of greco-roman grappling while Danny Divine proved himself to be a master manipulator of the highest order.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @8:46
3) JC Superstar (Millionaire) took on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) in a clash of styles. Raw brutality went up against speed and technical ecstasy for over 6 minutes. Unfortunately, when a group of rugged, jowl-faced men in red sweaters and domino masks surrounded the ring, the trouble began.
Their blue hats pulled low over their grizzled faces, these doglike men were identified only by the numbers they wore on their shirts, not unlike the numbers a prisoner might wear while incarcerated. The men pulled a bag over the head of "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and carried him out of the arena before security had a chance to react. Security cameras later showed these "boys", as they referred to themselves, tossing the Millionaire in the back of their non-descript van while shouting "Now yer gonna take us to yer vault and let us swim in yer money, you lousy duck!"
All of this distraction allowed Tokyo Torres to hit JC Superstar with Montezuma Fiji's Revenge, his deadly finishing maneuver.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @6:02
4) The long-standing rivalry between OUI and Cesar Romero was in full force tonight when Phantom Dandy (OUI) went toe-to-toe with Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero). The momentum shifted often enough for any sane play-by-play man or color commentator to refer to is as "anybody's game", even spilling outside for a spell. With so much on the line, it shouldn't be the least bit surprising to anyone.
3pts = Phantom Dandy via pinfall @7:25
5) Our main event was a doozy with even more on the line. As of this moment, we have FOUR #1 contenders tied at 6 points each (Superstar, Dandy, Torres and Octopus)... a victory for Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) will catapult him into the #1 position with a grand total of 8 points. But a loss means he's out of the running. The odds are against the gods today as Von Zeus takes on the man currently known as the Greatest Wrestler in the World - Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor).
Before the match even reached the four minute mark, who should hit the ring but the other son of that other god, JC Superstar! The referee, a devout Christian, barely paid him any attention, completely trusting that he couldn't have any wrongdoing on his mind. How wrong he was to put his faith in the son of god! When the ref was distracted, JC struck Von Zeus with a crucifixion nail made of pure gold! 1-2-3 and it was all over.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @3:41
*** And there you have it, folks! JC Superstar cost his greatest rival a shot at the World's Championship and in doing so, secured the right to challenge for the belt for himself and 3 others.
So here's what tomorrow's Free-For-View looks like:
10 superstars will take part in the Wheezleton Memoriale Battle Royale. Each competitor will be awarded 2 points for each man they toss over the top rope and on to the floor below. In addition, the winner will receive 5 points and a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship under whatever stipulation they request.
ALSO: A 10-minute Championship Scramble for the World's Heavyweight Championship featuring Dr. Matsumoto, Tokyo Torres, Phantom Dandy,
Sgt. Octopus and JC Superstar. The only pinfall that counts is the final pinfall and whomever scores it gets to walk out with the gold! Tune in tomorrow for more awesomeness at the Semi-Annual Wheezleton Memoriale in honor of Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton, the founder of the Nintendo Wrestling Alliance, Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' and the founding father of the modern age of professional fantasy wrestling. May he rest in peace.
*** Talk your shit today and tune in tomorrow for the free-for-view! The road to Slamarama begins tomorrow! ***
1) Opening the card was Lassiter Arcade (Mick "Truck" Drivor) vs. Warlock Star (Millionaire) - the action was so quick, we actually had to watch the replay in slow motion to make any sense of what was happening. After over eight minutes of intensity, the match ended like this...
3pts = Lassiter Arcade via pinfall @ 8:11
2) Next up was Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) taking on Danny Divine (Opulence Unlimited International) in a match which spilled outside the ring on several occasions and both men pushed beyond the limits of ordinary combatants. Not unlike the gladiators of old, these grapplers did battle in a most furious manner. Sgt. Octopus was, as usual, a master of the art of greco-roman grappling while Danny Divine proved himself to be a master manipulator of the highest order.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @8:46
3) JC Superstar (Millionaire) took on Tokyo Torres (Infierno) in a clash of styles. Raw brutality went up against speed and technical ecstasy for over 6 minutes. Unfortunately, when a group of rugged, jowl-faced men in red sweaters and domino masks surrounded the ring, the trouble began.
Their blue hats pulled low over their grizzled faces, these doglike men were identified only by the numbers they wore on their shirts, not unlike the numbers a prisoner might wear while incarcerated. The men pulled a bag over the head of "The Millionaire" Matt Welz and carried him out of the arena before security had a chance to react. Security cameras later showed these "boys", as they referred to themselves, tossing the Millionaire in the back of their non-descript van while shouting "Now yer gonna take us to yer vault and let us swim in yer money, you lousy duck!"
All of this distraction allowed Tokyo Torres to hit JC Superstar with Montezuma Fiji's Revenge, his deadly finishing maneuver.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @6:02
4) The long-standing rivalry between OUI and Cesar Romero was in full force tonight when Phantom Dandy (OUI) went toe-to-toe with Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero). The momentum shifted often enough for any sane play-by-play man or color commentator to refer to is as "anybody's game", even spilling outside for a spell. With so much on the line, it shouldn't be the least bit surprising to anyone.
3pts = Phantom Dandy via pinfall @7:25
5) Our main event was a doozy with even more on the line. As of this moment, we have FOUR #1 contenders tied at 6 points each (Superstar, Dandy, Torres and Octopus)... a victory for Maximus Von Zeus (Infierno) will catapult him into the #1 position with a grand total of 8 points. But a loss means he's out of the running. The odds are against the gods today as Von Zeus takes on the man currently known as the Greatest Wrestler in the World - Dr. Matsumoto (Drivor).
Before the match even reached the four minute mark, who should hit the ring but the other son of that other god, JC Superstar! The referee, a devout Christian, barely paid him any attention, completely trusting that he couldn't have any wrongdoing on his mind. How wrong he was to put his faith in the son of god! When the ref was distracted, JC struck Von Zeus with a crucifixion nail made of pure gold! 1-2-3 and it was all over.
3pts = Dr. Matsumoto via pinfall @3:41
*** And there you have it, folks! JC Superstar cost his greatest rival a shot at the World's Championship and in doing so, secured the right to challenge for the belt for himself and 3 others.
So here's what tomorrow's Free-For-View looks like:
10 superstars will take part in the Wheezleton Memoriale Battle Royale. Each competitor will be awarded 2 points for each man they toss over the top rope and on to the floor below. In addition, the winner will receive 5 points and a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship under whatever stipulation they request.
ALSO: A 10-minute Championship Scramble for the World's Heavyweight Championship featuring Dr. Matsumoto, Tokyo Torres, Phantom Dandy,
Sgt. Octopus and JC Superstar. The only pinfall that counts is the final pinfall and whomever scores it gets to walk out with the gold! Tune in tomorrow for more awesomeness at the Semi-Annual Wheezleton Memoriale in honor of Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton, the founder of the Nintendo Wrestling Alliance, Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' and the founding father of the modern age of professional fantasy wrestling. May he rest in peace.
*** Talk your shit today and tune in tomorrow for the free-for-view! The road to Slamarama begins tomorrow! ***
14.5.12
*** MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM *** MAY 14, 2012 *** RESULTS ***
We're halfway to the Annual Wheezleton Memoriale and the action is heating up to such a firey intensity, not even the combined efforts of Paula Deen, Gordon Ramsay and Mario Batali could stay in the FUCR kitchen for any length of time, lest they burst into flames and die on the spot. Over the past two weeks, fans have been rocked by the returns of both Profesor Infierno and Mick "Truck" Drivor, as well as the revelation that Profesor Infierno and Jenny Glorpp are not the same person (though OUI has been a bit skeptical of even that!). What type of news will rock you today? Just the same amazing in-ring action that you've come to expect from Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'.
1) Our first match featured this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner Phantom Dandy (OUI) taking on the submission skills of former Marine Corps Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Fans will recall that the Dandy fell short in his bid to defeat The Thrillionaire for the World's Heavyweight Championship earlier this month and per the match stipulation, is forced to wear a pair of neon short shorts and a mesh tank top. One wonders if OUI actually intended him to lose?
At any rate, he took the fight to the Octopus who, as is his tradition, saluted the servicemen and women serving around the world as well as the ones seated in the front row who probably don't even like wrestling but get free tickets so FUCR can put them in the front row as part of a PR thing to appeal to our redneck fans.
The match was a form of measured brutality which saw momentum shift often and fortitudes pushed to the limit. Sgt. Octopus stuck to his usual style of mat tacticianship (which probably isn't even a word) while the Dandy took it to the top rope far more often than you would expect from a man of his height. Here's how the match wrapped up...
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @7:41
2) Next was the long awaited match between Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno) and JC Superstar ("Millionaire" Matt Welz) - the GODWAR that fans have been clamoring for since the first week of our current season. With similar backgrounds and wrestling styles, we knew this match would be a barnburner - and it was. Not only did it set fire to the area barns, destroying livestock and crops, likely leaving the neighboring towns hungry and destitute for the next few years, it also set the very heavens aflame with its awesomeness.
One question remains... can any war, especially one waged between gods, truly be finished after just one match? Or is this simply the first volley in what is to be a long, drawn out conflict? The only way to know is to ask JC Superstar's manager, the Millionaire, if he wishes to schedule a rematch next week to avenge his loss.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:52
3) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) expected the Negotiator (Mick "Truck" Drivor) to be an easy opponent. Honestly, we all did. The Negotiator has been on a losing streak since day one and has yet to prove himself as anything but a total joke in the world of fantasy professional wrestling. Until tonight.
The match raged both outside and in and saw a new kind of passion burning in the heart of the Negotiator. Perhaps it was the fact that with a new manager, the 'Gotiator has had a fire lit under him and has been reminded of what the Eye of the Tiger is all about? We may never know the reasons, but we do know that this is how it turned out...
3pts = the Negotiator via submission @5:30 - the upset of the season!
4) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) were as evenly matched as they are mustachioed. The match was a wrestling clinic, albeit a short one. Spectacular lived up to his name in a match that most people missed as they went to the bathroom, had a smoke or bought another beer in preparation for the main event.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @3:23
5) Next was the match that fans have been clamoring for all month. Dr. Matsumoto, currently undefeated in FUCR, won the World's Heavyweight Championship at the dawn of the season but due was forced to forfeit the title when his former manager, the Brown Hornet, failed to buy him a plane ticket for last month's Title Wave free-for-view event. Tonight, guided by fantasy wrestling legend Mick "Truck" Drivor, Matsumoto hopes to regain the richest prize in the sport - a prize he never truly lost - by taking on the very man he defeated to win the belt in the first place: The Thrillionaire!
Matsumoto made his way to the ring in traditional sumo gear while the Thrillionaire wore his familiar orange tights and Kangol hat. The two men could not have had more different styles and they lit up the ring, each other and the crowd like the fucking 4th of goddamn July.
Briefly.
Dr. Matsumoto was clearly on a mission and he defeated the Thrillionaire in under four minutes to become the World's Heavyweight Champion for a second time! He did so by utilizing his signature submission move, the deadly Kajamajateho - a move that is banned in seven countries!
3pts for victory, 1 point for winning a rematch and a 1 point title bonus add up to ...
5pts = Dr. Matsumoto
*** The Thrillionaire was then carried out of the arena on a stretcher while Mick "Truck" Drivor and his motley crew of henchmen and thugs cavorted about the ring in a merry fashion as if to say "Come and get us, come and get us, come and get us... assholes."
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got just one week to go before the Wheezleton Memoriale and it's anybody's game. Make your challenges and make them count! ***
1) Our first match featured this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner Phantom Dandy (OUI) taking on the submission skills of former Marine Corps Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Fans will recall that the Dandy fell short in his bid to defeat The Thrillionaire for the World's Heavyweight Championship earlier this month and per the match stipulation, is forced to wear a pair of neon short shorts and a mesh tank top. One wonders if OUI actually intended him to lose?
At any rate, he took the fight to the Octopus who, as is his tradition, saluted the servicemen and women serving around the world as well as the ones seated in the front row who probably don't even like wrestling but get free tickets so FUCR can put them in the front row as part of a PR thing to appeal to our redneck fans.
The match was a form of measured brutality which saw momentum shift often and fortitudes pushed to the limit. Sgt. Octopus stuck to his usual style of mat tacticianship (which probably isn't even a word) while the Dandy took it to the top rope far more often than you would expect from a man of his height. Here's how the match wrapped up...
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @7:41
2) Next was the long awaited match between Maximus Von Zeus (Profesor Infierno) and JC Superstar ("Millionaire" Matt Welz) - the GODWAR that fans have been clamoring for since the first week of our current season. With similar backgrounds and wrestling styles, we knew this match would be a barnburner - and it was. Not only did it set fire to the area barns, destroying livestock and crops, likely leaving the neighboring towns hungry and destitute for the next few years, it also set the very heavens aflame with its awesomeness.
One question remains... can any war, especially one waged between gods, truly be finished after just one match? Or is this simply the first volley in what is to be a long, drawn out conflict? The only way to know is to ask JC Superstar's manager, the Millionaire, if he wishes to schedule a rematch next week to avenge his loss.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:52
3) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) expected the Negotiator (Mick "Truck" Drivor) to be an easy opponent. Honestly, we all did. The Negotiator has been on a losing streak since day one and has yet to prove himself as anything but a total joke in the world of fantasy professional wrestling. Until tonight.
The match raged both outside and in and saw a new kind of passion burning in the heart of the Negotiator. Perhaps it was the fact that with a new manager, the 'Gotiator has had a fire lit under him and has been reminded of what the Eye of the Tiger is all about? We may never know the reasons, but we do know that this is how it turned out...
3pts = the Negotiator via submission @5:30 - the upset of the season!
4) Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) were as evenly matched as they are mustachioed. The match was a wrestling clinic, albeit a short one. Spectacular lived up to his name in a match that most people missed as they went to the bathroom, had a smoke or bought another beer in preparation for the main event.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @3:23
5) Next was the match that fans have been clamoring for all month. Dr. Matsumoto, currently undefeated in FUCR, won the World's Heavyweight Championship at the dawn of the season but due was forced to forfeit the title when his former manager, the Brown Hornet, failed to buy him a plane ticket for last month's Title Wave free-for-view event. Tonight, guided by fantasy wrestling legend Mick "Truck" Drivor, Matsumoto hopes to regain the richest prize in the sport - a prize he never truly lost - by taking on the very man he defeated to win the belt in the first place: The Thrillionaire!
Matsumoto made his way to the ring in traditional sumo gear while the Thrillionaire wore his familiar orange tights and Kangol hat. The two men could not have had more different styles and they lit up the ring, each other and the crowd like the fucking 4th of goddamn July.
Briefly.
Dr. Matsumoto was clearly on a mission and he defeated the Thrillionaire in under four minutes to become the World's Heavyweight Champion for a second time! He did so by utilizing his signature submission move, the deadly Kajamajateho - a move that is banned in seven countries!
3pts for victory, 1 point for winning a rematch and a 1 point title bonus add up to ...
5pts = Dr. Matsumoto
*** The Thrillionaire was then carried out of the arena on a stretcher while Mick "Truck" Drivor and his motley crew of henchmen and thugs cavorted about the ring in a merry fashion as if to say "Come and get us, come and get us, come and get us... assholes."
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got just one week to go before the Wheezleton Memoriale and it's anybody's game. Make your challenges and make them count! ***
7.5.12
*** MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM *** MAY 07, 2012 *** RESULTS! ***
We're back for another amazing week of in-ring action. The comment boards have been lit up like the 4th of July since Profesor Infierno made his return last week to take over Tommy "Child Predator" Huang's stable when child labor officials ruled that he could no longer manage.
In addition, the Phantom Dandy fell short in his bid to win the World's Heavyweight Championship and due to a stipulation conceived by his own managerial team (Opulence Unlimited International), he will don the sexy pleather tights made famous by one "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn in the late 1990s. As a matter of fact, the Phantom Dandy is in action today, teamed with Cesar Romero's Duke Alexander Stallion! Let's get to the action...
Perhaps it was the continued lack of managerial influence on the part of Arcade & Negotiator or perhaps it was a spark that was lit in the heart of the Dandy after his humiliation last week, but the Phantom Dandy and Duke Alexander Stallion defeated Lassiter Arcade & the Negotiator via pinfall @ 8:23
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Phantom Dandy
2) Our next matchup saw Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) challenge Warlock Star (Millionaire) ... the two men were evenly matched with the action seesawing and even spilling outside for a spell.
It was Wolfsbane who took home the "W" in the win/loss column though.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @6:23
3) Next up was Danny Divine (OUI) and Tokyo Torres (Profesor Infierno) in a back-and-forth matchup that went over seven minutes! The quickness of Torres was a perfect match for the handsomeness of Divine but when the referee's back was turned, Duke Alexander Stallion rushed to the ring and put a chloroform-soaked rag over the mouth of Torres! It was an easy victory for Danny Divine at that point and Profesor Infierno suffered a humiliating defeat.
3pts = Danny Divine via pinfall @7:38
4) We at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' don't like to admit defeat. We hate to say we've been proven wrong, but on occasion it does happen. The main event was one of those occasions. We though that JC Superstar (Millionaire) and Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) would have match for the ages. Both men have proven themselves to be competent grapplers but on this day it was JC Superstar who dominated the match, giving Spectacular little room to breathe, let alone get an offensive move in. Again, Profesor Infierno was dealt a humiliating blow.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @4:25.
*** After the match, the lights went out. The long and lonesome sound of a horn warning of danger or imminent impact could be heard echoing through the arena and the distinct tones of a Detroit-born deisel-powered engine rattled everyone's seats. When the lights came on, JC Superstar was in the center of the ring, a pool of blood emerging from underneath his glowing halo. Standing above him was Dr. Matsumoto, the Negotiator and Lassiter Arcade! And with them... returning fantasy wrestling superstar Mick "Truck" Drivor!!!
"As it turns out," Drivor began, "The Brown Hornet's managerial license expired last week!"
The crowd showed their disapproval of the little seen manager, littering the ring with dixie cups and rotten fruit.
"And as it turns out," Drivor continued, "my very own managerial license was recently approved by the VGWA Board of Directors! And it just so happens that this here team of asskickers was in need of a manager! And is just so happens that y'all are invited to eat the shit out of my asshole if you don't like it!"
Then, putting a steel-toed boot directly on JC Superstar's neck, Mick "Truck" Drivor revealed his true mission.
"Y'see, under the FUCR rules - clearly stated in the rulebook - a World's Champion is obligated to give the former champion a rematch for the belt... and since The Thrillionaire never did win that title he holds around his waist, the good Doctor and I aim to cash in on that rematch clause!"
And with that, the credits rolled and the show ended with the stakes raised to unimaginable heights and the face of FUCR forever changed. ***
In addition, the Phantom Dandy fell short in his bid to win the World's Heavyweight Championship and due to a stipulation conceived by his own managerial team (Opulence Unlimited International), he will don the sexy pleather tights made famous by one "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn in the late 1990s. As a matter of fact, the Phantom Dandy is in action today, teamed with Cesar Romero's Duke Alexander Stallion! Let's get to the action...
Perhaps it was the continued lack of managerial influence on the part of Arcade & Negotiator or perhaps it was a spark that was lit in the heart of the Dandy after his humiliation last week, but the Phantom Dandy and Duke Alexander Stallion defeated Lassiter Arcade & the Negotiator via pinfall @ 8:23
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
3pts = Phantom Dandy
2) Our next matchup saw Conrad Wolfsbane (Romero) challenge Warlock Star (Millionaire) ... the two men were evenly matched with the action seesawing and even spilling outside for a spell.
It was Wolfsbane who took home the "W" in the win/loss column though.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @6:23
3) Next up was Danny Divine (OUI) and Tokyo Torres (Profesor Infierno) in a back-and-forth matchup that went over seven minutes! The quickness of Torres was a perfect match for the handsomeness of Divine but when the referee's back was turned, Duke Alexander Stallion rushed to the ring and put a chloroform-soaked rag over the mouth of Torres! It was an easy victory for Danny Divine at that point and Profesor Infierno suffered a humiliating defeat.
3pts = Danny Divine via pinfall @7:38
4) We at Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin' don't like to admit defeat. We hate to say we've been proven wrong, but on occasion it does happen. The main event was one of those occasions. We though that JC Superstar (Millionaire) and Dr. Spectacular (Infierno) would have match for the ages. Both men have proven themselves to be competent grapplers but on this day it was JC Superstar who dominated the match, giving Spectacular little room to breathe, let alone get an offensive move in. Again, Profesor Infierno was dealt a humiliating blow.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @4:25.
*** After the match, the lights went out. The long and lonesome sound of a horn warning of danger or imminent impact could be heard echoing through the arena and the distinct tones of a Detroit-born deisel-powered engine rattled everyone's seats. When the lights came on, JC Superstar was in the center of the ring, a pool of blood emerging from underneath his glowing halo. Standing above him was Dr. Matsumoto, the Negotiator and Lassiter Arcade! And with them... returning fantasy wrestling superstar Mick "Truck" Drivor!!!
"As it turns out," Drivor began, "The Brown Hornet's managerial license expired last week!"
The crowd showed their disapproval of the little seen manager, littering the ring with dixie cups and rotten fruit.
"And as it turns out," Drivor continued, "my very own managerial license was recently approved by the VGWA Board of Directors! And it just so happens that this here team of asskickers was in need of a manager! And is just so happens that y'all are invited to eat the shit out of my asshole if you don't like it!"
Then, putting a steel-toed boot directly on JC Superstar's neck, Mick "Truck" Drivor revealed his true mission.
"Y'see, under the FUCR rules - clearly stated in the rulebook - a World's Champion is obligated to give the former champion a rematch for the belt... and since The Thrillionaire never did win that title he holds around his waist, the good Doctor and I aim to cash in on that rematch clause!"
And with that, the credits rolled and the show ended with the stakes raised to unimaginable heights and the face of FUCR forever changed. ***
30.4.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * APRIL 30, 2012 * RESULTS *
The second cycle of the 2012 season begins today. Today begins the road to the Wheezleton Memoriale, so it's only fitting that the show should involve some of the biggest names of fantasy wrestling's rich history. Case in point: 4-time World's Heavyweight Champion The Scissorwolf was seen backstage chatting up The Phantom Dandy.
As the winner of the previous Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix, Scissorwolf is recognized as the last man to hold the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Heavyweight Championship of the World. Today, he passed the Hungarian Championship belt to The Phantom Dandy, this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner. In the world of professional fantasy wrestling, there is no price that can be put on such an honor. But today, The Phantom Dandy seeks to increase his cache' just a little bit more by challenging The Thrillionaire, currently the World's Heavyweight Champion. Honoring the wishes of Opulence Unlimited International, the match will be a "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match", with the loser being forced to don the Assman's mesh tights for the duration of the month - a most humiliating fate.
But enough with the talk! Let's get to the action!
1) Our opening bout pitted Danny Divine (OUI) against JC Superstar (Millioniare) in a steel cage! Never let it be said that FUCR doesn't start things off with a bang! The action was tight and the moves were right, and it was a battle most brutal. In the end...
It was a sloppy mistake and a fast rollup that led to victory for the Superstar.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 5:22
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) and Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) did battle in a submission-only match... but Huang was nowhere to be found! FUCR officials searched high and low for him backstage, but he was unreachable, even by cell phone. Finally, the timekeeper could wait no more and started the match.
The sheer power of Von Zeus seemed as though it would overpower the Stallion, but it was not the case. The Duke fought back until it seemed he could fight no more. No quarter was asked and none was given as these two future legends put it all on the line in a battle of wills. Finally, after 45 minutes of battle with no winner determined, the match was declared a draw and each man was granted 2 points.
2pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
2pts = Maximus Von Zeus
*** Just then, CPS showed up! State officials entered the ring with briefcases full of contracts and legal documents and Tommy Huang in tow! They stated that according to federal and state law, "the Child Predator" Tommy Huang would be forced to abscond from the world of fantasy wrestling! What flies in Singapore doesn't fly in the United States - as such, Huang must give his contracts to a parent or legal guardian. Despite his strict adherence to protocol and insistence on showing no emotion, Tommy Huang seemed near tears at the prospect... until he announced his legal guardian, who would be assuming control of his affairs in the realms of fantasy wrestling.
Entering the ring wearing a plaid jacket and a shit-eating grin, it was none other than Professor Infierno! And hanging on his arm like a cheap piece of jewelry one might buy at Claire's in the local mall after getting their ears pierced was... Jenny Glorpp?!? But how could this be? Wrestling fans were dumbfounded, remembering that when Infierno was last seen, he had been unmasked as Jenny Glorpp!
The truth was revealed when Jenny took the microphone and told the crowd that the woman who was unmasked as Professor Infierno was actually her cousin, PENNY Glorpp, who had kidnapped Jenny and Professor Infierno and held them captive. The two wasted no time attempting to clear their names and tarnished reputations and instead sought to bring Penny to justice (she had fled to San Salvador). Now, with Penny locked up in a Guatemalan jail, the good professor has returned to guide the life of young Tommy Huang and take control of his financial assets, including his stable of wrestlers. ***
3) Appropriately enough, the next match pitted Tokyo Torres (Professor Infierno) against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) ... the former Marine Corps drill sergeant was no match for the quickness of Torres (or the sack of doorknobs Infierno struck him with when the referee wasn't looking) and he lost the match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 4:28
4) Without their manager, the Brown Hornet, to guide them, Lassiter Arcade and Dr. Matsumoto have been engaging in a series of poor career choices. Tonight, they accepted a handicap match against three returning superstars: The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right and Danger Daigoro - collectively known as The Deadly Friends!
The match ended in a DQ for Matsumoto and Arcade when a brawl erupted. No points were awarded and the crowd cheered their old favorites, remembering their glory days in the sport and hoping they'll return for more than just one night. And who knows? Maybe someday they will.
5) Finally, the main event. The 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy, squares off against the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire in a Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match for the gold! It was a seesaw affair with both men giving it their all for the richest prize in the sport. But in the end...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 6:00 exactly!
*** Now is the time to get your challenges in for next week's show! ***
As the winner of the previous Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix, Scissorwolf is recognized as the last man to hold the Undisputed Hungarian Commonwealth Heavyweight Championship of the World. Today, he passed the Hungarian Championship belt to The Phantom Dandy, this year's Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner. In the world of professional fantasy wrestling, there is no price that can be put on such an honor. But today, The Phantom Dandy seeks to increase his cache' just a little bit more by challenging The Thrillionaire, currently the World's Heavyweight Champion. Honoring the wishes of Opulence Unlimited International, the match will be a "Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match", with the loser being forced to don the Assman's mesh tights for the duration of the month - a most humiliating fate.
But enough with the talk! Let's get to the action!
1) Our opening bout pitted Danny Divine (OUI) against JC Superstar (Millioniare) in a steel cage! Never let it be said that FUCR doesn't start things off with a bang! The action was tight and the moves were right, and it was a battle most brutal. In the end...
It was a sloppy mistake and a fast rollup that led to victory for the Superstar.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 5:22
2) Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) and Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) did battle in a submission-only match... but Huang was nowhere to be found! FUCR officials searched high and low for him backstage, but he was unreachable, even by cell phone. Finally, the timekeeper could wait no more and started the match.
The sheer power of Von Zeus seemed as though it would overpower the Stallion, but it was not the case. The Duke fought back until it seemed he could fight no more. No quarter was asked and none was given as these two future legends put it all on the line in a battle of wills. Finally, after 45 minutes of battle with no winner determined, the match was declared a draw and each man was granted 2 points.
2pts = Duke Alexander Stallion
2pts = Maximus Von Zeus
*** Just then, CPS showed up! State officials entered the ring with briefcases full of contracts and legal documents and Tommy Huang in tow! They stated that according to federal and state law, "the Child Predator" Tommy Huang would be forced to abscond from the world of fantasy wrestling! What flies in Singapore doesn't fly in the United States - as such, Huang must give his contracts to a parent or legal guardian. Despite his strict adherence to protocol and insistence on showing no emotion, Tommy Huang seemed near tears at the prospect... until he announced his legal guardian, who would be assuming control of his affairs in the realms of fantasy wrestling.
Entering the ring wearing a plaid jacket and a shit-eating grin, it was none other than Professor Infierno! And hanging on his arm like a cheap piece of jewelry one might buy at Claire's in the local mall after getting their ears pierced was... Jenny Glorpp?!? But how could this be? Wrestling fans were dumbfounded, remembering that when Infierno was last seen, he had been unmasked as Jenny Glorpp!
The truth was revealed when Jenny took the microphone and told the crowd that the woman who was unmasked as Professor Infierno was actually her cousin, PENNY Glorpp, who had kidnapped Jenny and Professor Infierno and held them captive. The two wasted no time attempting to clear their names and tarnished reputations and instead sought to bring Penny to justice (she had fled to San Salvador). Now, with Penny locked up in a Guatemalan jail, the good professor has returned to guide the life of young Tommy Huang and take control of his financial assets, including his stable of wrestlers. ***
3) Appropriately enough, the next match pitted Tokyo Torres (Professor Infierno) against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero) ... the former Marine Corps drill sergeant was no match for the quickness of Torres (or the sack of doorknobs Infierno struck him with when the referee wasn't looking) and he lost the match.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 4:28
4) Without their manager, the Brown Hornet, to guide them, Lassiter Arcade and Dr. Matsumoto have been engaging in a series of poor career choices. Tonight, they accepted a handicap match against three returning superstars: The Persuader, Franklin Lloyd Right and Danger Daigoro - collectively known as The Deadly Friends!
The match ended in a DQ for Matsumoto and Arcade when a brawl erupted. No points were awarded and the crowd cheered their old favorites, remembering their glory days in the sport and hoping they'll return for more than just one night. And who knows? Maybe someday they will.
5) Finally, the main event. The 2012 Hungarian Heritage Grand Prix winner, The Phantom Dandy, squares off against the World's Heavyweight Champion, The Thrillionaire in a Mr. Ass Pants and Music Match for the gold! It was a seesaw affair with both men giving it their all for the richest prize in the sport. But in the end...
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 6:00 exactly!
*** Now is the time to get your challenges in for next week's show! ***
23.4.12
*** APRIL 23, 2012 * MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * RESULTS ***
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to FUCR Week Four. Today, we determine a definitive #1 Contender to the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently held by Dr. Matsumoto. We're not messing around; we're getting right to the action...
1) Warlock Star (Matt Welz) put his unpredicable antics up against the high-flying stylings of Tokyo Torres (Tommy Huang) ... with dangerous results. The action spilled outside within seconds of the bell ringing as these two went pillar to post for over 5 minutes. But in the end, it was the combination of lucha libre and japanese skills that won out.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 6:50
2) Lassiter Arcade (Brown Hornet) proved that although his manager is nowhere to be found, his skill is not diminished in the least. He went toe-to-toe with Jormungander tonight and after a brutal battle, came out victorious. Here's a look:
3pts = Lassiter Arcade via pinfall @ 8:36
3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) took on Danny Divine (OUI) in a barnburner that set the wrestling world on fire. Divine proved himself as a man worthy of divinity... but he is no god.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:26
4) Cesar Romero and the folks at Opulence Unlimited Incorporated have been at odds for nearly the entire duration of the season. Several weeks ago, Conrad Wolfsbane found himself set on fire when he faced Pierre St. Cloud and today, the two men square off in a no-DQ, falls-count-anywhere match!
And today, Wolfsbane managed to get some measure of revenge by pinning his foe outside the ring, directly in front of the announce table. The match was fast, furious and fairly evenly paced, but Wolfsbane had the eye of the tiger and would not be denied.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @ 7:24
5) Last week, The Thrillionaire (Welz) defeated Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) to become one of four #1 contenders to the World's Championship. Today, thanks to Stallion's request for a rematch, one of these men will earn not 3, but FOUR points and a shot at the World's Championship.
The match, like last weeks', was a brutal affair that pushed both men to their limit. It has to be seen to be believed, which is why we've posted the final few minutes of this contest... buckle your seat belts and tighten your pampers, because this one is going to blow your mind and your colon.
4pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 8:36
* And with that, the Thrillionaire has cemented his position as the top contender to the throne in which Dr. Matsumoto is currently seated. *
1) Warlock Star (Matt Welz) put his unpredicable antics up against the high-flying stylings of Tokyo Torres (Tommy Huang) ... with dangerous results. The action spilled outside within seconds of the bell ringing as these two went pillar to post for over 5 minutes. But in the end, it was the combination of lucha libre and japanese skills that won out.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 6:50
2) Lassiter Arcade (Brown Hornet) proved that although his manager is nowhere to be found, his skill is not diminished in the least. He went toe-to-toe with Jormungander tonight and after a brutal battle, came out victorious. Here's a look:
3pts = Lassiter Arcade via pinfall @ 8:36
3) Maximus Von Zeus (Huang) took on Danny Divine (OUI) in a barnburner that set the wrestling world on fire. Divine proved himself as a man worthy of divinity... but he is no god.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @5:26
4) Cesar Romero and the folks at Opulence Unlimited Incorporated have been at odds for nearly the entire duration of the season. Several weeks ago, Conrad Wolfsbane found himself set on fire when he faced Pierre St. Cloud and today, the two men square off in a no-DQ, falls-count-anywhere match!
And today, Wolfsbane managed to get some measure of revenge by pinning his foe outside the ring, directly in front of the announce table. The match was fast, furious and fairly evenly paced, but Wolfsbane had the eye of the tiger and would not be denied.
3pts = Conrad Wolfsbane via pinfall @ 7:24
5) Last week, The Thrillionaire (Welz) defeated Duke Alexander Stallion (Romero) to become one of four #1 contenders to the World's Championship. Today, thanks to Stallion's request for a rematch, one of these men will earn not 3, but FOUR points and a shot at the World's Championship.
The match, like last weeks', was a brutal affair that pushed both men to their limit. It has to be seen to be believed, which is why we've posted the final few minutes of this contest... buckle your seat belts and tighten your pampers, because this one is going to blow your mind and your colon.
4pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @ 8:36
* And with that, the Thrillionaire has cemented his position as the top contender to the throne in which Dr. Matsumoto is currently seated. *
16.4.12
* MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM * APRIL 16, 2012 * RESULTS *
We're edging ever closer to Title Wave, the first Free-For-View event of the season with this, the third week of the season. The race to become the #1 contender to the World's Heavyweight Championship, currently held by Dr. Matsumoto, is heating up faster than Spring Break. Let's take you down to the ring for the lowdown...
(1) Have you ever heard of the Champion of the World opening a wrestling card? That's exactly what happened when Dr. Matsumoto teamed with Lassiter Arcade to accept the challenge of Harlan Murphy and "Flank Steak" Harvey Madison.
Matsumoto and Arcade are both managed by the Brown Hornet, who has only made one appearance in FUCR as of this writing. With no challenges issued and none given, the FUCR Board of Directors was once again forced to book the Hornet's charges against two uncontracted competitors.
The match opened with Arcade and Madison going tooth and nail: Arcade's technical prowess an odd balance to Madison's power. Madison and Murphy acted as a fairly competent team and Arcade held them off well. After several tags and even, back-and-forth combat, Lassiter Arcade was finally able to tag in his partner. Within seconds of tagging in, Matsumoto had locked Harvey Madison in a dangerous Asian submission hold with an untranslatable name and within seconds of that, Madison was tapping out.
3pts each = Dr. Matsumoto & Lassiter Arcade via submission @ 4:48
(2) Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) took on The Phantom Dandy (OUI) in what can only be described as a match of attrition. The two men were evenly matched at the outset, both standing near the 7 foot mark and posessing musculature to match. Power move upon power move was displayed, with the Dandy showcasing a nimbleness that had to be seen to be believed.
The match ended like this...
After the match, Von Zeus once again made some disparaging remarks about JC Superstar in reference to who was the true son of a god. "I'll deny you three times, Superstar, and when I meet your mother, this cock's gonna crow all night long!" Von Zeus said, in reference to some Biblical text.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @ 4:36
(3) The feud between Opulence Unlimited International and Tommy "Child Predator" Huang didn't stop there! In the next match, Danny Divine took on Dr. Spectacular.
This was a pier-sixer the likes of which hadn't been seen in at least a week. Ne'er were two men more evenly matched and at any given point, either man could've won. FUCR officials did a quick search online to determine if the first names of either of these men were Stephen, because the match was that even! On a side note, Dr. Spectacular's name is Steven. Same name, different spelling.
Anyway, there can be only one, and in this case it happened to be Dr. Spectacular, who scored a pinfall after hitting Divine with the Eye of Agamotto.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @6:26
(4) The next match pitted #1 contender Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) against the hottest up and comer in the sport: The Thrillionaire, managed by "The Millionaire" Matt Welz. Shunning the wealth, stocks and bonds that made his mentor so famous, the Thrillionaire treats excitement like a precious diamond or a gold mine... and there were weird scenes inside the gold mine today!
The action kicked off at 100 mph as soon as the bell rang and quickly spilled outside. On several occasions, both men were nearly counted out. On several occasions, both men attempted dangerous, death-defying moves outside the ring from the top rope and on several occasions, both men were hurt. The Thrillionaire dominated the match at first, but the pendulum swung in the opposite direction and Duke Alexander Stallion, perhaps recognizing that a win would very likely cement his claim to #1 contendership, rallied to gain the upper hand.
Sees were saws and saws were see'd as these two went at it like a couple of prize bulls fucking a Halston cow in a China shop. That doesn't even make sense, but if you could've seen this action, you'd be stupefied and at a loss for metaphor too! Sweet jesus, it went outside again! This was a match the year candidate.
Without warning, The Thrillionaire won.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @8:26
(5) Our main event saw the Romero/Welz feud kick into high gear as the former drill sergeant and master of submission maneuvers, Sgt. Octopus, took on the son of Yahweh, J.C. Superstar. Before the match started, Sgt. Octopus executed his customary pre-match ritual of saluting whatever servicemen happened to be in the crowd and making the sign of the cross. Midway through this gesture, he glanced over at his opponent who was standing in the corner, arms folded and shaking his head. "Not today", the Superstar promised.
The match was a barnburner and several women fainted during it. Like several other matches this evening, these two men seemed fairly evenly matched, but in the end...
Ironic that the master of submission accepted a loss to a submission move, no? As a result, Sgt. Octopus will be out of action next week.
3pts = JC Superstar via submission @4:35
* And that leaves us with 4 #1 contenders! JC Superstar, Maximus Von Zeus, the Thrillionaire and Duke Alexander Stallion have 6 points each... but there's still one more Monday Morning Mayhem before Title Wave. Will another contender arise? Will the much-anticipated GodWar between Superstar & Von Zeus ever take place? Will various challenges, rematches and strategic blocking keep all of these men on the bench next week? Only time, and your challenges, will tell - so get them in now! *
(1) Have you ever heard of the Champion of the World opening a wrestling card? That's exactly what happened when Dr. Matsumoto teamed with Lassiter Arcade to accept the challenge of Harlan Murphy and "Flank Steak" Harvey Madison.
Matsumoto and Arcade are both managed by the Brown Hornet, who has only made one appearance in FUCR as of this writing. With no challenges issued and none given, the FUCR Board of Directors was once again forced to book the Hornet's charges against two uncontracted competitors.
The match opened with Arcade and Madison going tooth and nail: Arcade's technical prowess an odd balance to Madison's power. Madison and Murphy acted as a fairly competent team and Arcade held them off well. After several tags and even, back-and-forth combat, Lassiter Arcade was finally able to tag in his partner. Within seconds of tagging in, Matsumoto had locked Harvey Madison in a dangerous Asian submission hold with an untranslatable name and within seconds of that, Madison was tapping out.
3pts each = Dr. Matsumoto & Lassiter Arcade via submission @ 4:48
(2) Maximus Von Zeus (Tommy Huang) took on The Phantom Dandy (OUI) in what can only be described as a match of attrition. The two men were evenly matched at the outset, both standing near the 7 foot mark and posessing musculature to match. Power move upon power move was displayed, with the Dandy showcasing a nimbleness that had to be seen to be believed.
The match ended like this...
After the match, Von Zeus once again made some disparaging remarks about JC Superstar in reference to who was the true son of a god. "I'll deny you three times, Superstar, and when I meet your mother, this cock's gonna crow all night long!" Von Zeus said, in reference to some Biblical text.
3pts = Maximus Von Zeus via pinfall @ 4:36
(3) The feud between Opulence Unlimited International and Tommy "Child Predator" Huang didn't stop there! In the next match, Danny Divine took on Dr. Spectacular.
This was a pier-sixer the likes of which hadn't been seen in at least a week. Ne'er were two men more evenly matched and at any given point, either man could've won. FUCR officials did a quick search online to determine if the first names of either of these men were Stephen, because the match was that even! On a side note, Dr. Spectacular's name is Steven. Same name, different spelling.
Anyway, there can be only one, and in this case it happened to be Dr. Spectacular, who scored a pinfall after hitting Divine with the Eye of Agamotto.
3pts = Dr. Spectacular via pinfall @6:26
(4) The next match pitted #1 contender Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) against the hottest up and comer in the sport: The Thrillionaire, managed by "The Millionaire" Matt Welz. Shunning the wealth, stocks and bonds that made his mentor so famous, the Thrillionaire treats excitement like a precious diamond or a gold mine... and there were weird scenes inside the gold mine today!
The action kicked off at 100 mph as soon as the bell rang and quickly spilled outside. On several occasions, both men were nearly counted out. On several occasions, both men attempted dangerous, death-defying moves outside the ring from the top rope and on several occasions, both men were hurt. The Thrillionaire dominated the match at first, but the pendulum swung in the opposite direction and Duke Alexander Stallion, perhaps recognizing that a win would very likely cement his claim to #1 contendership, rallied to gain the upper hand.
Sees were saws and saws were see'd as these two went at it like a couple of prize bulls fucking a Halston cow in a China shop. That doesn't even make sense, but if you could've seen this action, you'd be stupefied and at a loss for metaphor too! Sweet jesus, it went outside again! This was a match the year candidate.
Without warning, The Thrillionaire won.
3pts = The Thrillionaire via pinfall @8:26
(5) Our main event saw the Romero/Welz feud kick into high gear as the former drill sergeant and master of submission maneuvers, Sgt. Octopus, took on the son of Yahweh, J.C. Superstar. Before the match started, Sgt. Octopus executed his customary pre-match ritual of saluting whatever servicemen happened to be in the crowd and making the sign of the cross. Midway through this gesture, he glanced over at his opponent who was standing in the corner, arms folded and shaking his head. "Not today", the Superstar promised.
The match was a barnburner and several women fainted during it. Like several other matches this evening, these two men seemed fairly evenly matched, but in the end...
Ironic that the master of submission accepted a loss to a submission move, no? As a result, Sgt. Octopus will be out of action next week.
3pts = JC Superstar via submission @4:35
* And that leaves us with 4 #1 contenders! JC Superstar, Maximus Von Zeus, the Thrillionaire and Duke Alexander Stallion have 6 points each... but there's still one more Monday Morning Mayhem before Title Wave. Will another contender arise? Will the much-anticipated GodWar between Superstar & Von Zeus ever take place? Will various challenges, rematches and strategic blocking keep all of these men on the bench next week? Only time, and your challenges, will tell - so get them in now! *
9.4.12
* APRIL 9, 2012 RESULTS *
The second week of action is upon us and what a week it is! New superstars take the stage and last week's victors attempt to edge themselves a little closer to that big brass ring we like to call the World's Heavyweight Championship. Let's get down to the ring to see how it all played out...
(1) The Millionaire has been itching for a chance to get his protege', JC Superstar, into the ring with Maximus Von Zeus to prove who is the real god and who ranks among the children of a lesser god. But that'll have to wait until next week. Today, it will be Warlock Star who accepts the challenge of Von Zeus.
The only living man to have been born in the heart of a black hole (that's W. Star) takes on a man who was sired by a virgin woman who happened to find herself picking lillies in a field when Zeus, from high on his throne on Mount Olypmus, deigned her worthy to carry his seed. Taking the form of a great white buffalo, Zeus penetrated her heretofore untouched womanhood with the power of his godlike lightning rod. And like the drunken frat boy that he is, Zeus deserted the woman like so much spent jism scattered across the cosmos. Nine months later, Maximus Von Zeus was born and tonight, that baby entered the ring to do battle with Warlock Star.
The match began simply enough, with both opponents seeming fairly matched. Star's nimbleness seemed more than a match for Von Zeus's height and girth. But eventually, Von Zeus gained the upper hand and with the speed of Mercury, squashed the living shit out of Warlock Star.
Maximus Von Zeus = 3pts via pinfall @ 4:38
After the match, Von Zeus mockingly made the sign of the cross as if to say "Come and get it, Superstar". He then touched his side and his wrists, looked directly at the camera and stated "Call me Doubting Thomas, but I think you're full of shit, Superstar!" The cameras cut to commercial as he laid a crucifix in the center of the ring and proceeded to expose himself. God only knows what he intended to do, but this is a family show and we won't be having any of that here!
(2) Next up was a punishment of sorts for the elusive Brown Hornet. Despite managing Dr. Matsumoto, the reigning World's Heavyweight Champion, the Hornet has been sequestered in secrecy, refusing to grant interviews or speak on the message boards. As such, the Board of Directors deemed it necessary to book two of the Hornet's charges, Lassiter Arcade and The Negotiator, in a match against GRAPPLECATS - the team of Tiger Nightmare and Battle Cat.
It must be said that Lassiter Arcade ranks among the finest technical wrestlers in the world. His style and grace, when pitted against Tiger Nightmare and the ox-like Battle Cat, was a vision to behold. The Negotiator, despite his name, couldn't argue his way out of a paper bag. Strength gave way to talent and teamwork as the 'cats found new ways to outthink this lumbering lummox. And when that didn't work, the GRAPPLECATS cheated, using a bag of catnip to incapacitate their opponents and score the pinfall.
Tiger Nightmare pinned the Negotiator @ 9:51
After the match, Dr. Matsumoto hit the ring! Displaying the speed and skill that have catapulted him to the highest prize in the sport, he decimated GRAPPLECATS and left them lying in the ring. Can there be any doubt that Matsumoto deserves to be called the best in the world?
(3) The Thrillionaire has been training under the tutilage of Matt Welz for several years, working out in his secret gym in a training regimen that can only be described as sinister and macabre. But the Phantom Dandy, managed by OUI, is a master of the macabre - he's a goddamn skeleton in a tux! These two men went at it tooth and nail, even taking it outside the ring for a brief spell, brawling into the crowd.
As evenly matched as they were, on this day, it was the Thrillionaire who took home the victory.
The Thrillionaire = 3pts via pinfall @7:28
(4) Next was the Inferno Match, pitting Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) against Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) . The ring ropes were set ablaze and the only way to obtain victory was to set your opponent on fire.
The ring bell didn't chime for this match - it tolled! Flames licked skin and seared flesh as temperatures reached 500 degrees. At one point, St. Cloud jammed something into Conrad Wolfsbane's eyepatch, causing the empty socket to ooze blood and pus. It was this act which enabled St. Cloud to take home the victory in this epic encounter, setting his opponent ablaze!
Pierre St. Cloud = 3pts via the burning @ 12: 34
(5) Our final match saw Tokyo Torres (Tommy Huang) against Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) - and it was intense, to say the least. It was intensity in 10 cities as these evenly matched competitors gave their all.
And in the end? ...
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via pinfall @ 4:30
This victory catapults Duke Alexander Stalllion into the #1 contenders's spot! But his position is tenuous at best, with two weeks remaining until TITLE WAVE, our first big Free-For-View event!Is anyone able to unseat the Duke from his throne? Only time and your challenges will tell!
(1) The Millionaire has been itching for a chance to get his protege', JC Superstar, into the ring with Maximus Von Zeus to prove who is the real god and who ranks among the children of a lesser god. But that'll have to wait until next week. Today, it will be Warlock Star who accepts the challenge of Von Zeus.
The only living man to have been born in the heart of a black hole (that's W. Star) takes on a man who was sired by a virgin woman who happened to find herself picking lillies in a field when Zeus, from high on his throne on Mount Olypmus, deigned her worthy to carry his seed. Taking the form of a great white buffalo, Zeus penetrated her heretofore untouched womanhood with the power of his godlike lightning rod. And like the drunken frat boy that he is, Zeus deserted the woman like so much spent jism scattered across the cosmos. Nine months later, Maximus Von Zeus was born and tonight, that baby entered the ring to do battle with Warlock Star.
The match began simply enough, with both opponents seeming fairly matched. Star's nimbleness seemed more than a match for Von Zeus's height and girth. But eventually, Von Zeus gained the upper hand and with the speed of Mercury, squashed the living shit out of Warlock Star.
Maximus Von Zeus = 3pts via pinfall @ 4:38
After the match, Von Zeus mockingly made the sign of the cross as if to say "Come and get it, Superstar". He then touched his side and his wrists, looked directly at the camera and stated "Call me Doubting Thomas, but I think you're full of shit, Superstar!" The cameras cut to commercial as he laid a crucifix in the center of the ring and proceeded to expose himself. God only knows what he intended to do, but this is a family show and we won't be having any of that here!
(2) Next up was a punishment of sorts for the elusive Brown Hornet. Despite managing Dr. Matsumoto, the reigning World's Heavyweight Champion, the Hornet has been sequestered in secrecy, refusing to grant interviews or speak on the message boards. As such, the Board of Directors deemed it necessary to book two of the Hornet's charges, Lassiter Arcade and The Negotiator, in a match against GRAPPLECATS - the team of Tiger Nightmare and Battle Cat.
It must be said that Lassiter Arcade ranks among the finest technical wrestlers in the world. His style and grace, when pitted against Tiger Nightmare and the ox-like Battle Cat, was a vision to behold. The Negotiator, despite his name, couldn't argue his way out of a paper bag. Strength gave way to talent and teamwork as the 'cats found new ways to outthink this lumbering lummox. And when that didn't work, the GRAPPLECATS cheated, using a bag of catnip to incapacitate their opponents and score the pinfall.
Tiger Nightmare pinned the Negotiator @ 9:51
After the match, Dr. Matsumoto hit the ring! Displaying the speed and skill that have catapulted him to the highest prize in the sport, he decimated GRAPPLECATS and left them lying in the ring. Can there be any doubt that Matsumoto deserves to be called the best in the world?
(3) The Thrillionaire has been training under the tutilage of Matt Welz for several years, working out in his secret gym in a training regimen that can only be described as sinister and macabre. But the Phantom Dandy, managed by OUI, is a master of the macabre - he's a goddamn skeleton in a tux! These two men went at it tooth and nail, even taking it outside the ring for a brief spell, brawling into the crowd.
As evenly matched as they were, on this day, it was the Thrillionaire who took home the victory.
The Thrillionaire = 3pts via pinfall @7:28
(4) Next was the Inferno Match, pitting Conrad Wolfsbane (Cesar Romero) against Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) . The ring ropes were set ablaze and the only way to obtain victory was to set your opponent on fire.
The ring bell didn't chime for this match - it tolled! Flames licked skin and seared flesh as temperatures reached 500 degrees. At one point, St. Cloud jammed something into Conrad Wolfsbane's eyepatch, causing the empty socket to ooze blood and pus. It was this act which enabled St. Cloud to take home the victory in this epic encounter, setting his opponent ablaze!
Pierre St. Cloud = 3pts via the burning @ 12: 34
(5) Our final match saw Tokyo Torres (Tommy Huang) against Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) - and it was intense, to say the least. It was intensity in 10 cities as these evenly matched competitors gave their all.
And in the end? ...
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via pinfall @ 4:30
This victory catapults Duke Alexander Stalllion into the #1 contenders's spot! But his position is tenuous at best, with two weeks remaining until TITLE WAVE, our first big Free-For-View event!Is anyone able to unseat the Duke from his throne? Only time and your challenges will tell!
1.4.12
*** MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! APRIL 2, 2012 ***
Welcome back, rasslin' fans, to the greatest show on the interwebs! The official start of the 2012 season begins NOW! Let's get down to the ring to check out the action...
(1) The show kicked off in style as Jim and Carol Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International led Danny Divine to the ring for his match with Tokyo Torres (managed by Tommy "the Child Predator" Huang).
We couldn't have booked a more appropriate match to start the show and you couldn't find two more evenly matched combatants. Divine and Torres went at it tooth and nail, with Divine showcasing his flamboyant catch-as-catch-can style and Torres taking flight from the top turnbuckle on numerous occasions. In the end, it was Tokyo Torres who scored a pinfall with a Northern Lights Suplex.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 7:03
(2) Next up was the masked man known as Warlock Star, managed by longtime fantasy wrestling enthusiast and participant, "The Millionaire" Matt Welz. Warlock Star claims not to have been born by woman, but rather forged in the heart of a black hole. Does that make him a better wrestler? It did tonight when he took on The Negotiator, managed by the Brown Hornet. It was over with a schoolboy rollup at 4:22.
3pts = Warlock Star via pinfall @ 4.22
(3) Next up was Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Tommy Huang). These two grapplers tried to do their best to outdo each other when it came to style and panache', but after an intense bout that went just shy of the 4-minute mark, it was the Duke who outdid his opponent in wrestling ability
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via pinfall @ 3:57
(4) While we would hesitate to call the match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) a squash, we will say this: St. Cloud got plenty of offense. Only problem was, the man they call Superstar shrugged it off as though it was the pestering of a bothersome toddler. St. Cloud certainly doesn't suck, but he did in this match. Of course, what is a mere saint when compared to the son of the fucking LORD? Superstar won, appropriately enough, with a crucifix pin.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 4:13
(5) The main event featured Lassiter Arcade (Brown Hornet) squaring off against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Both of these seasoned pros are well-versed in the wrestling arts. Their bodies bear the scars of many a hard fought battle. Lean and supple, these men came greased and ready for combat.
And combat was exactly what they treated the fans to! Armbars, wristlocks and suplexes abounded. Many a submission hold was applied and countered. Countless reversals were had and there were nearfalls aplenty. Finally, after over NINE MINUTES of grappling, in which no quarter was asked and none was given, we had a victor. It could've been either man on any given day, but on this day, it was the former Marine Corps drill sergeant known as Sgt. Octopus who took home the victory.
Giving a heartfelt salute to the group of Desert Storm veterans in the front row, Sgt. Octopus exited the area as Lassiter Arcade hit the showers.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @ 9:03
*** All was said and done... or was it? With mere minutes left to go in the show, the VGWA Board of Directors appeared on the entrance ramp. Making their way to the ring with the characteristic lack of speed that is the trademark of old men, the Board of Directors entered the squared circle with an announcement. Wheezing and coughing, they kept their statments brief.
Old men can run a boardroom. They can fanagle stocks and bonds and even perpetrate various forms of sexual harrassment against their nubile secretaries, despite lacking the ability to fornicate without the assistance of FDA approved chemicals. They can bitch and complain and tell you to get off their lawn. They can offer commentary on "the way things used to be" and how much better it was in their day, but the one thing that old men cannot give is the day-to-day supervision that a wrestling promotion needs. As such, the Video Game Wrestling Alliance Board of Directors, in conjunction with Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin, has appointed a new General Manager to oversee the league. That man's identity can be discovered by watching this video...
Now is the time to get your challenges in ! And if you're angry enough to issue a rematch, let's hear it!
The 2012 season has begun!!!!!!
(1) The show kicked off in style as Jim and Carol Halstedder of Opulence Unlimited International led Danny Divine to the ring for his match with Tokyo Torres (managed by Tommy "the Child Predator" Huang).
We couldn't have booked a more appropriate match to start the show and you couldn't find two more evenly matched combatants. Divine and Torres went at it tooth and nail, with Divine showcasing his flamboyant catch-as-catch-can style and Torres taking flight from the top turnbuckle on numerous occasions. In the end, it was Tokyo Torres who scored a pinfall with a Northern Lights Suplex.
3pts = Tokyo Torres via pinfall @ 7:03
(2) Next up was the masked man known as Warlock Star, managed by longtime fantasy wrestling enthusiast and participant, "The Millionaire" Matt Welz. Warlock Star claims not to have been born by woman, but rather forged in the heart of a black hole. Does that make him a better wrestler? It did tonight when he took on The Negotiator, managed by the Brown Hornet. It was over with a schoolboy rollup at 4:22.
3pts = Warlock Star via pinfall @ 4.22
(3) Next up was Duke Alexander Stallion (Cesar Romero) vs. Dr. Spectacular (Tommy Huang). These two grapplers tried to do their best to outdo each other when it came to style and panache', but after an intense bout that went just shy of the 4-minute mark, it was the Duke who outdid his opponent in wrestling ability
3pts = Duke Alexander Stallion via pinfall @ 3:57
(4) While we would hesitate to call the match between JC Superstar (Welz) and Pierre St. Cloud (OUI) a squash, we will say this: St. Cloud got plenty of offense. Only problem was, the man they call Superstar shrugged it off as though it was the pestering of a bothersome toddler. St. Cloud certainly doesn't suck, but he did in this match. Of course, what is a mere saint when compared to the son of the fucking LORD? Superstar won, appropriately enough, with a crucifix pin.
3pts = JC Superstar via pinfall @ 4:13
(5) The main event featured Lassiter Arcade (Brown Hornet) squaring off against Sgt. Octopus (Cesar Romero). Both of these seasoned pros are well-versed in the wrestling arts. Their bodies bear the scars of many a hard fought battle. Lean and supple, these men came greased and ready for combat.
And combat was exactly what they treated the fans to! Armbars, wristlocks and suplexes abounded. Many a submission hold was applied and countered. Countless reversals were had and there were nearfalls aplenty. Finally, after over NINE MINUTES of grappling, in which no quarter was asked and none was given, we had a victor. It could've been either man on any given day, but on this day, it was the former Marine Corps drill sergeant known as Sgt. Octopus who took home the victory.
Giving a heartfelt salute to the group of Desert Storm veterans in the front row, Sgt. Octopus exited the area as Lassiter Arcade hit the showers.
3pts = Sgt. Octopus via pinfall @ 9:03
*** All was said and done... or was it? With mere minutes left to go in the show, the VGWA Board of Directors appeared on the entrance ramp. Making their way to the ring with the characteristic lack of speed that is the trademark of old men, the Board of Directors entered the squared circle with an announcement. Wheezing and coughing, they kept their statments brief.
Old men can run a boardroom. They can fanagle stocks and bonds and even perpetrate various forms of sexual harrassment against their nubile secretaries, despite lacking the ability to fornicate without the assistance of FDA approved chemicals. They can bitch and complain and tell you to get off their lawn. They can offer commentary on "the way things used to be" and how much better it was in their day, but the one thing that old men cannot give is the day-to-day supervision that a wrestling promotion needs. As such, the Video Game Wrestling Alliance Board of Directors, in conjunction with Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin, has appointed a new General Manager to oversee the league. That man's identity can be discovered by watching this video...
Now is the time to get your challenges in ! And if you're angry enough to issue a rematch, let's hear it!
The 2012 season has begun!!!!!!
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